I’m still the scarlet woman after 16 years.

[Bilbosnaggins]

I met dh 16 years ago when I was 30. He was 25 and had a girlfriend of 4/5 months at the time.

I met him on a Friday night at a gig, we chatted for a few hours. We swapped numbers. The next day, we arranged to meet again on the Monday. He finished things with the girlfriend the day after we met at the gig, telling her that he’d met someone else the night before and that he wanted to finish their relationship, which they did.

I had no clue about any of this, until we met up on the Monday and now dh told me that he had been briefly been seeing someone else, but that he’d ended things with her the day after we met. For what it’s worth, I’d also been dating someone for a couple of months, I broke that off too.

His sister did not take it well and 16 years and two children later, she still won’t be in the same room as me. She will literally up and leave her parents house when I walk in. Dh has had it out with her a few times over the years, but she just says he’s a cheater and he’s a bad as me. PIL have told her to grow up and stop being so ridiculous many, many times. As has her now husband, who is lovely and who we have a good relationship with.

She’d met dh previous girlfriend once, briefly, when they bumped into her. His parents had never met her, they were just seeing each other, it was 5 months when Dh was 25, not serious at all.

According to MIL, it was all very childish afterwards, with declarations of “you’ll always be a part of my kids lives!” on social media (her children were toddlers at the time and had never met Dh girlfriend). MIL tried her best to shut it all down at the time, telling her she was being ridiculous.

Dh hasn’t really had a relationship with her since as she was so awful about me. They’ve only really said hello at a couple of family funerals. We also lived 300 miles away from dh family until a few years ago when we moved to the area they are from.

Long story short, it’s my lovely father in law’s 80th birthday next week and all he wanted was to go away for a few days to a holiday cottage with all his family.

SIL will not go if I, the homewrecking scumbag is going.

I have offered not to go. I love my parents in law dearly, and dh can take the children. PIL won’t hear of me not being there. But SIL won’t listen.

I know she has issues of her own as just be before I met dh, her husband cheated on her with her friend and left her with two small children. I get it, I really do. Dh has tried to reason with her that seeing someone for a few months and breaking it off as soon as you’ve met someone else is in no way comparable to your husband having an affair and leaving you.

I just can’t believe something so stupid has ruined their family relationship for the last 16 years!

She massively projected her relationship breakdown onto her brother. Hugely. Madly. And now she’s backed herself into a corner from which she cannot escape. And she knows it too. She’s FURIOUS about this.

That’s the source of her anger now - it’s not your relationship; she’s furious with herself but can’t take responsibility because that would mean egg on her face, so she has to blame you.

You can’t reason with crazy. Go. Your SIL is the only person responsible for her decisions.

meow! 😼

I agree with @Pulledbluecurtain : have a talk with your MIL OP and explain you'd love to be there for him, but also that you are conscious it is important SIL spends the time with him. Your MIL sounds as though she will be understanding - and maybe even relieved.

There's no need for more than one child in the room.

I actually think you should go. Even if you're not there but DH is she's likely to have the slapped arse face all weekend and that will ruin it for PIL.

The ILs know how ridiculous she's being. It's not as if they're taking her side. Whilst FIL may not get what he'd really like - both his kids there and having a good time - if it has to be you or her I think he'll have a much more enjoyable time with you and DH and the DGCs. And it sounds like if the ILs had to choose, they'd rather you were there than her.

Remember FIL's reaction at your wedding. He's not going to want a repeat of that, but he'll probably get it either way if she's there.

She's insane, not normal behaviour at all. Has anyone in the family tried to get her to seek help for her mental health? I dont understand how in 16 years she can't have realised the ridiculousness of it all.

I bet the ex would have thought those facebook posts were OTT aswell. As if she would want to stay in the lives of kids she hadn't met for a relationship lasting just a few months 😂

You are being very thoughtful of a woman who has treated you terribly for 16 years OP. But don't put her feelings above those of the rest of the family who loves you. Would your DH regret that he cant have his whole family and loving wife on this last trip with his parents? His feelings trump hers. She is making the 1 causing issues. Not you or your DH

Utterly bizarre behavior from SIL. Don't engage with it.

Not only should you go, you should wear a bright red dress and a letter A.
She's nuts!

Surely this can't be the only batshit thing SIL has done - someone capable of transferring her grief over her own DH cheating onto your DH (who didn't cheat) for 16 YEARS has to be unstable in other areas, surely?

Was the exGF showing signs of becoming famous or something? SILs desire for her to 'remain in the children's lives' makes sense if there would be some advantage to them over doing so. But someone who'd never even met them?

She has to have behaved in an unhinged way to other people too.

I hope it can all be resolved so your PIL have a nice holiday and someone tells the crazy SIL she is the one ruining her parents probable last holiday.

I am very anti cheater but this lady is bonkers.

How may dates did they even go on? 5/6? So maybe spent less than 100 hours together 🤣.

Did they even say they were exclusive?

I thought dating was just a few meet ups to decide if you wanted to take it further. Then you may be exclusive and then you may be serious about one another. If during this process you realise s/he is not the one then you end it because you realise you don’t want another date. For all you know she may have been dating other people if it wasn’t exclusive. You SIL may have created 16 years of shitty relationships with her family for a woman who was dating a few people.

Assuming he can even remember how many hours they spent together I’d include that in a note.

Was she always dramatic? I fully understand her trauma from her cheating husband (it shows you how much this type of behavior can destroy numerous lives). She may have a form of PTSD due to infidelity. I’d research that and ask her mother or father to help her. EMDR may assist. It’s not your job of course but assuming she hasn’t always been this way I’d suggest it as it may help.

Just go and ignore her.

FWIW, I was the 'scarlet woman'.

DH left his first wife after discovering that she'd slept with a colleague. He married me 10 years later - 8 yrs after the divorce.

Unfortunately for me, I was a good bit younger and had worked in the same department as my eventual husband and over the years it became clear that his daughter really didn't approve. (I'm not sure whether my husband was aware, but a few digs were made at me.) Mind you, her mum had done a very good job of concealing what had happened - her affair partner became a 'good friend' and then her 'partner' before he died. (She's now with Man Number 4.)

The irony is this: the age gap between the daughter and her partner is the same as that between my late husband and me...Plus the daughter actually was the OW and had met her husband through work. Maybe she was projecting.

In your case, I think it is the case that your SIL can't punish the other woman, so she's trying to punish you instead.

Ironically, I imagine your SIL’s unhinged facebook posts probably helped her too, she must have thought I’ve dodged the in laws from hell! Seriously weird behaviour.

True

Op you are just lovely. What a selfless and kind outlook ❤️

Oh I would definitely be going on this holiday, you have done nothing wrong and if she chooses not to go as an adult , then that is entirely on her, her saving face is clearly more important to her than anything else, including her Fathers feelings. If she is still pulling this childish manoeurve, 16 years and another wedding for her later, it really says a lot about what a completely selfish and self absorbed creature she is.

Your SiL is only going to go if you don't. But she's only going to know that you're not attending if someone tells her that, presumably MiL or FiL, as she doesn't speak with her brother. So I'd get MiL or FiL to tell her that you're not coming, so that they expect she will be. Then, of course you can have a change of heart and turn up. What's she going to do?

I do think your PIL could have been more firm with her over the years that this behaviour is unacceptable. It affects them as well as you. And tried to get her some help / counselling etc

She sounds fucking nuts.
Has no one suggested / insisted she gets some therapy to unpick why this stirs such an extreme reaction in her still, 16 years on?
It strikes me that her unresolved issues around cheating must rear their head in her own marriage? If she is this upset about you, which has fuck all to do with her, does she also struggle with trust, jealousy, paranoia with her DH?
None of which is your problem really OP but this attitude of hers towards you is not on at all and someone needs to tell her in no uncertain terms to get a grip and seek help because it’s not normal

You're the woman who corrupted him and stole his innocence.

Until you he was her sweet baby brother. Then he grew up.

There's a thing here where she hasn't really dealt with that, and she is associated it with her own life experience. It couldn't be her baby brother being less than perfect. He'd never do that without being led astray.

That age gap probably explains a lot.

If you in-laws ever got the chance to ask why she's still trying to split her brother and his wife up after 16 years, it'd be interesting to know her response.

In some ways it's a shame your DH isn't able to contact the earlier gf and get her to put SIL straight, though she's so entrenched in her position (and I agree with those who have said it's projection) that she still wouldn't listen. What a sad situation, she really is souring what could be a lovely family.

... so she'd still be spoiling the holiday for them. Don't do that to your PIL, it sounds like they don't deserve that.

She’s bonkers and needs to get therapy to get over being cheated on. How sad for your elderly pil having to deal with this not being able to go on holiday all together because of her. I have an equally toxic dsis who I have been nc with for 3 years due to her financially abusing dm and it makes me sad that dm due to dsis hasn’t seen me or her only 2 young adult dgc for the last few years and will pass away knowing we are nc rather than supporting each other but like you i have done nothing wrong and you can’t change other people’s behaviour only how you respond and react to them

Is there anything else it could be?! Jealous of you for some other reason? I agree she really does need psychiatric help. It’s giving baby reindeer 😳

You are being more generous than SIL deserves - but I think you have really thought it through and agree that by not going, you can at least feel you gave crazy SIL the chance to spend that time with her Dad as it appears she really lacks the emotional maturity to move on from this.
Very sad for PIL that she couldn’t make an effort just for a few days to give FIL what he’d like.
You sound incredibly kind 💐

I think the age difference between you and DH is significant. Sil is 7 years older than her brother, you are 5 years older. She might say her objections to you are due to the imaginary cheating, but I think the truth might be that she saw you as a rival and threat as you are closer in age to her than him and therefore (in her mind) replacing her.

she’s obviously quite unhinged. Forgive me if I’ve missed it, but others have suggested you going for part of the weekend. Is that an option?