I’m still the scarlet woman after 16 years.

[Bilbosnaggins]

I met dh 16 years ago when I was 30. He was 25 and had a girlfriend of 4/5 months at the time.

I met him on a Friday night at a gig, we chatted for a few hours. We swapped numbers. The next day, we arranged to meet again on the Monday. He finished things with the girlfriend the day after we met at the gig, telling her that he’d met someone else the night before and that he wanted to finish their relationship, which they did.

I had no clue about any of this, until we met up on the Monday and now dh told me that he had been briefly been seeing someone else, but that he’d ended things with her the day after we met. For what it’s worth, I’d also been dating someone for a couple of months, I broke that off too.

His sister did not take it well and 16 years and two children later, she still won’t be in the same room as me. She will literally up and leave her parents house when I walk in. Dh has had it out with her a few times over the years, but she just says he’s a cheater and he’s a bad as me. PIL have told her to grow up and stop being so ridiculous many, many times. As has her now husband, who is lovely and who we have a good relationship with.

She’d met dh previous girlfriend once, briefly, when they bumped into her. His parents had never met her, they were just seeing each other, it was 5 months when Dh was 25, not serious at all.

According to MIL, it was all very childish afterwards, with declarations of “you’ll always be a part of my kids lives!” on social media (her children were toddlers at the time and had never met Dh girlfriend). MIL tried her best to shut it all down at the time, telling her she was being ridiculous.

Dh hasn’t really had a relationship with her since as she was so awful about me. They’ve only really said hello at a couple of family funerals. We also lived 300 miles away from dh family until a few years ago when we moved to the area they are from.

Long story short, it’s my lovely father in law’s 80th birthday next week and all he wanted was to go away for a few days to a holiday cottage with all his family.

SIL will not go if I, the homewrecking scumbag is going.

I have offered not to go. I love my parents in law dearly, and dh can take the children. PIL won’t hear of me not being there. But SIL won’t listen.

I know she has issues of her own as just be before I met dh, her husband cheated on her with her friend and left her with two small children. I get it, I really do. Dh has tried to reason with her that seeing someone for a few months and breaking it off as soon as you’ve met someone else is in no way comparable to your husband having an affair and leaving you.

I just can’t believe something so stupid has ruined their family relationship for the last 16 years!

She's probably hoping you don't go, then in her silly mind, she will have won.

It struck me slightly differently. If Op just says ok fine you go, I actually think it takes all the breath out of SIL's protest. She then has no reason not to go and no reason to blame OP. Yet everyone knows it is SIL being ridiculous. I think it's more of a checkmate than going.

That is a really good message.. and it ought to work. It would work with most people.
But I don't think it will on her.. she sounds relentless.
I think the phase "It is for your Dad" (which is perfectly reasonable BTW) will particularly set her off.. She will say how dare she say its for my Dad, she doesn't have the right etc.
I actually think that if OP does go.. SIL will turn up. She's been using this to create drama and get attention and sympathy for her grievances in this way for years. If she stays at home, she won't get the attention she wants. I think its become a sort of wierd hobby for her, she's created an enemy by singling out the family outsider and making everyone work around it, or take it into account somehow. It's very extreme...and aggressive.
She needs urgent therapy IMHO

I can top that. I was a scarlet woman.
At a family get together ( my husband’s family) his sil. brought his wedding photos of his first wedding to show me.7

I agree OP sounds lovely

declarations of “you’ll always be a part of my kids lives!” on social media (her children were toddlers at the time and had never met Dh girlfriend).

That is absolutely hilarious - her kids had never even met her!!!

She has obviously backed herself into a corner of her own stupidity and thinks she will lose face if she backs down after all these years.

Your FiL's wishes come first, not the nutter's, so you should go if he wants you too.

Wow, what an odd response. He did absolutely the decent thing. You can't help when you meet someone and I don't believe people should spend their lives in unhappy relationships. I also hate cheaters but you didn't kiss and when he knew there was a spark he ended things so he could pursue it. If he was in a long term relationship/ marriage or with kids, then yes leaving time would be appropriate but a few months in your 20s...

Clearly her response is not rational or proportional and is actually about her ex husband. She may have gone too far down this path to walk it back.

While you would have every right in the world to say fuck you, the fact you are willing to give grace and space to allow time with her father shows what a great person you are. Honestly, i would talk it through with MIL and offer once that you don't mind and are willing to step back with love and arrange something separately and you won't take it as anything but if she says they want you there then that's all there is to it.

@Bilbosnaggins she says she won’t go if you go but I bet she does. She is just trying to exert control. Best thing to do is honestly go anyway.

She is punishing her father. What a self-centered, self-righteous asshat!

Goodness, I wonder what the 5 month ex would think of all this? Confusion? Relief it never went further, if this is what the familyis like?

I hope things go well with MIL tomorrow.

Go. It’s a her problem and bowing to her just gives her the attention she craves. They’ve said they want you there. If she wants to act like a five year old that’s on her.

Go. It’s a her problem and bowing to her just gives her the attention she craves. They’ve said they want you there. If she wants to act like a five year old that’s on her.

You shouldn't need to as your sil shouldn't be so ridiculous but can you explain to yoru mil what you've said about your feelings about your dad.

It's hard to imagine how you're going to feel if you've not lost anyone. She might not realise just how big the regret can be. For some.it downt affect them but others just feel lost.

You're not taking it away, she is, she is being cruel to her father by making his 80th birthday all about her. If she says anything else to you tell her that it's not your fault that her husband left her for another woman, maybe she should analyse what could have been behind that decision.

I could understand her upset if they had been together a couple of years, she was intertwined with the family and they had become close and dh just broke things off, or of dh had met me and continued seeing her for a while.

If this had been the case, your SIL would still be acting like a complete nutcase !!!

But not going so that the soppy SIL can go is not facing facts, is allowing her to continue to control the family dynamics. When FIL eventually dies, will she expect you not to accompany her brother to the funeral? She's been allowed to get away with too much for too long.

What else could there possibly be? That OPs DH was secretly married with a child. That not only seems unlikely but even if he was 16 years have passed fgs.

Im usually very anti OW (cheating ex) but this is completely and utterly bonkers. This wasn't a long term relationship with family involvement. Your DH did the right thing when he met you there was no overlap. She seriously needs help. She's soured the whole family and asssumably the cousins don't have a relationship. How sad. And how miserable and bitter for her.

It's time you stopped pandering to her. She deserves to feel regret if she misses out because of her strange views. She's treating you and your husband appallingly. Her own husband must feel embarrassed surely.

The cousins do have a relationship, thankfully.

I don’t have any family at all (my mum died when I was a child, no siblings and I only had my dad), so I made it very clear that I didn’t want anyone’s feelings towards me robbing my children of a family.

We used to live a long way from everyone, but we used to visit and pIL would pick up sil children, or they would bring them up for a weekend to visit us.

Since we’ve all lived in the same town, sil now husband will bring her older children and thier two children together to PIL so they can see our children.

You should go on the holiday, your PIL want you there. If SIL chooses not to go then so be it. You said even if she goes and your DH goes SIL will be miserable so you may as well go and make it an enjoyable time for FIL. By giving in to SIL you are enabling her to be a brat, you should just carry on as normal and she can do what she likes. With regards to it may be her last time with her dad, it may also be your last time with your FIL, you both have (different) reasons to be there. If everyone else carries on as normal and basically ignores her bad behaviour she may well change her behaviour.

OP can't prevent her SiL controlling the dynamics. The woman will treat OP badly and create a toxic atmosphere.
The only people who can control the dynamics are the hosts who could tell SiL she must behave properly or not attend.
They are the ones who need to face facts and accept that while their daughter mistreats other guests, those guests are within their rights to stay away. They want OP there and putting up with insults she's endured for years because they want everyone together. We'll sometimes what you want isn't fair on someone else and you have to accept that.

Is she jealous or angry about something else even more ridiculous, so this is just the reason she gives to make herself look righteous....even though she is clearly insane?

She definitely sounds unhinged and projecting onto you. But for 16 years is scarily unhealthy.
I also wouldn't go if I were you, if simply for the fact its to a place that means something to their childhood. She doesn't deserve you to be the bigger person, but in this instance I would book myself a nice little treat week away at a Spa.

You’re not taking it from her, she’s choosing not to go. Awful thing to do to her father and very stupid thing to do to herself but that’s on her. It’s good of you to understand she was clearly a bit traumatised by being cheated on by her husband and the father of her children but she’s had plenty of time to come to terms with it and get her thoughts straight.

I’m not a shrink, nor have I played one on the Telly, but it sounds like your SIL has a classic case of transference. Your DH’s having dated someone until he met you, then immediately breaking off the prior relationship in no way equates to what she went through with her ex-husband, no matter how close she was or wasn’t to her brother’s ex-girlfriend.

Since she’s stated that she’s not going if her brother does, and his parents want everybody to come, go with a clear conscience. You are not responsible for how anyone acts, only yourself (and your own minor children). If she goes anyway, say you know her dad is happier having her there, and you’re glad to see her, and leave it at that. Not engaging in her fantasy world, but acting like the grownup in the room could give her the space she needs to return to reality.