I’m still the scarlet woman after 16 years.

[Bilbosnaggins]

I met dh 16 years ago when I was 30. He was 25 and had a girlfriend of 4/5 months at the time.

I met him on a Friday night at a gig, we chatted for a few hours. We swapped numbers. The next day, we arranged to meet again on the Monday. He finished things with the girlfriend the day after we met at the gig, telling her that he’d met someone else the night before and that he wanted to finish their relationship, which they did.

I had no clue about any of this, until we met up on the Monday and now dh told me that he had been briefly been seeing someone else, but that he’d ended things with her the day after we met. For what it’s worth, I’d also been dating someone for a couple of months, I broke that off too.

His sister did not take it well and 16 years and two children later, she still won’t be in the same room as me. She will literally up and leave her parents house when I walk in. Dh has had it out with her a few times over the years, but she just says he’s a cheater and he’s a bad as me. PIL have told her to grow up and stop being so ridiculous many, many times. As has her now husband, who is lovely and who we have a good relationship with.

She’d met dh previous girlfriend once, briefly, when they bumped into her. His parents had never met her, they were just seeing each other, it was 5 months when Dh was 25, not serious at all.

According to MIL, it was all very childish afterwards, with declarations of “you’ll always be a part of my kids lives!” on social media (her children were toddlers at the time and had never met Dh girlfriend). MIL tried her best to shut it all down at the time, telling her she was being ridiculous.

Dh hasn’t really had a relationship with her since as she was so awful about me. They’ve only really said hello at a couple of family funerals. We also lived 300 miles away from dh family until a few years ago when we moved to the area they are from.

Long story short, it’s my lovely father in law’s 80th birthday next week and all he wanted was to go away for a few days to a holiday cottage with all his family.

SIL will not go if I, the homewrecking scumbag is going.

I have offered not to go. I love my parents in law dearly, and dh can take the children. PIL won’t hear of me not being there. But SIL won’t listen.

I know she has issues of her own as just be before I met dh, her husband cheated on her with her friend and left her with two small children. I get it, I really do. Dh has tried to reason with her that seeing someone for a few months and breaking it off as soon as you’ve met someone else is in no way comparable to your husband having an affair and leaving you.

I just can’t believe something so stupid has ruined their family relationship for the last 16 years!

I can understand how these things happen, even if it seems batshit.

I was married for 33 YEARS and ex-H's family (mostly SiL and his brother) said it would never last. Well it "only" lasted 33 years, and many people had died by then, but his remaining family welcomed him back with open arms, at last he had seen what I was really like and could now rejoin the fold. We have adult children they've never seen.

Anyway, worked well for me as I couldn't stand any of them, but I felt and still do feel sad for ex-H. He didn't deserve that. I think the difference is that the rest of the family are supporting you OP. Its a difficult one but I'd let PiL call it.

You sound lovely.

She sounds nuts. Like properly, certifiably, whoop-ding insane.

There is no more to the story.

Shes since remarried. Her husband is lovely. He will bring her children to PIL house to see my children.

MIL has spoken to him about it before, he just said she didn’t agree with the “cheating” when we met. I don’t think he wants to get involved to be honest.

She sounds nuts OP. I would give her the wide berth. Seems jealous of you/ unhappy you have joined her family? Sorry op you deserve better!

She is nuts - really nuts. Just go. Nothing you do or don't do will make her normal. If she won't go that's on her not you or your dh.

Fair play to her dh because I'd have run a bloody mile from someone as irrational as her. Once she runs out of steam with you she'll be behaving like this with her kids or their significant others.

It sounds utterly batshit. She is nuts… unless the story is different from her perspective.

I’d want to have a conversation with her about it and find out if there is some misunderstanding somewhere or some unaligned info. As an adult 16 years older than when this started, is there a chance she can now have a sensible conversation about it.

Gosh she sounds hard work. I was envisioning she was friends with the ex gf or they shared stories of being cheated on. But to have bumped into her once it definitely sounds like projecting her issues. How your dh hasn’t yelled at her there was no cheating I don’t know.
I think probably don’t go but tell PIL why - that you don’t want to be in way of them all being together and then have another celebration or meal with FIL just your family.

When you met your partner at the gig or during the time before you both broke off the other relationships was there any kind of physical / sexual contact, eg. kissing or was it more a case of flirting and swapping numbers? It sounds like your partner got the idea from the initial encounter that you were interested in a relationship with him could you clarify how that perception was established for context? It would be helpful in deciphering SIL's behaviour.

I tried to have a conversation about it a couple of years in, when we were getting married. She wouldn’t see me (and we were living at the other end of the country then so it wasn’t way), so I wrote an email, saying I would love to put all this behind us. That no one had cheated and we would love her to come to our wedding. Dh didn’t really want her to come, but said it was up to me.

She didn’t reply but told MIL she would come.

She then blanked me and dh all day, scowled through the ceremony - I wish I could show some of the photos here, they are something to behold! - got pissed at the reception and started telling my friends “once a cheater always a cheater, won’t be long until he cheats on her too!” FIL put her in a taxi and took her back to the hotel, he was mortified and dh was so upset.

Does it really matter? They were both in extremely short relationships ( 4.5 months/2 months) that they ended before they started dating each other and it's 16 years ago. Different if her brother had been in something long term especially with children, but he wasn't.

It is absolutely none of SIL's business, it never was and she's ridiculous.

We just chatted at the bar for a few hours. We didn’t even kiss. Swapped numbers. Text goodnight/it was lovely to meet you when we both got home.

He said he broke it off the next morning with the girl he was seeing as it just felt special with me.

At the risk of making anyone puke, I knew I’d marry him and he said yep, I knew too. God, that sounds tragic, I am the least romantic person on Earth, but there was something there. You know when you meet someone, even just a friend and something feels right?

PIL won’t hear of me not being there

It’s their weekend so what they say goes.

Have a lovely time!

In that case it sounds like there has been a misunderstanding, the SiL doesn't have the correct information.

The problem with you not going is that it gives the deranged sister rather than the parents, the result that she wants and nothing changes. The PIL want you there, they know that she's not behaved rationally. Clearly she has blown it all out of proportion due to her own husband cheating, and she needs help getting perspective. The problem now is that she doesn't want it, she's grown comfortable in her persecutory role making you and DH "baddies".

Don't be her enabler, when the people who matter have a better grip on reality and want you there. If she can't deal with the truth, then that's her problem, not yours. Sad.

She is ruining your fil’s holiday regardless and should be informed of that fact. She is putting herself before him and is unforgivably selfish. Do not pander to her, it won’t rescue his holiday. You have all been invited, the ball is in her court - to be a selfish, stupid woman, or to make her father happy. Her choice.

If she won’t tolerate your DH going, you MUST go. Do not deny your DH the last chance to spend time with his dad (as you are very heroically and kindly giving her) because she is batshit. She can choose to ruin her last chance to spend quality time with her dad but she can’t be allowed to ruin your DH’s chance.

She did though. He told her the truth, that he’d broken it off with his girlfriend the day after he met me. Before we’d even gone on a first date.

She said he shouldn’t have broken it off, that it was the wrong thing to do. He should have stayed with her and not perused things with me.

MIL said she started posting all over Facebook that her brother was a cheater (dh wasn’t on SM, even back then, so didn’t see anything), was tagging the ex girlfriend saying that she would always be in her children’s lives.

MIL said she never saw the ex girlfriend responding to any of it and SIL took it all down after a few days as her friends had commented telling her not to put her bothers business on Facebook.

Yeah I know. I would put dh first, of course I would.

In your position, I think I would gently explain the issue to your Fil and Mil do what he (they) wants you to do. I do get that this might be painful for him but he is going to know anyway and given that its about him, then surely its his choice? Not in an "its her or me" way but in a away that makes clear that you love him and want him to have the best holiday possible, that you can see that having you both there will be difficult if not impossible and you will be happy to step back for him.

As for your Sil fuck her.

I am going out with MIL tomorrow, I’ll talk it through with her.

She sounds really unpleasant and honestly you should go. I mean this kindly and gently but a bit firm too, stop giving SIL headspace. Try to find ways to move ahead from this 16 year battle. I think you sound lovely and have a bit of humour too. Use that as your secret weapon and enjoy time with your family (as it is yours now and your FIL is your children’s GP).

There are always weird family members around who are stuck in their ways and completely unreasonable.

SIL sounds like hard work and I bet her parents are sick to the back teeth with her childish dramas. Let her miss the event, her issue completely.

I was fully prepared so say FAFO when I read the thread title … but she is bonkers
Is she as much of a moral crusader in other aspects too?

even if you and DH had a full blown affair, his sister is absolutely batshit!

I'm sorry that you've had all this hassle, it sounds extremely unreasonable. I had a SiL who was very possessive of her brother (my ex) she saw me as some kind of rival / intruder this was one of the reasons I broke up with him, hard to have someone like that around giving you bad vibes when you join a family...

What a ridiculous woman. She clearly still has issues with her ex husband and has chosen to project that outwards onto you for all these years rather than deal with it herself. She has made herself bitter and missed out on an important sibling relationship.

I am not sure that it’s possible to salvage anything from the relationship after all this time. You are being very generous to indulge her and be so kind as to contemplate leaving the way free for her to have this holiday with her father. It is a great shame that the family dynamic is being shaped wholly by her holding this unhealthy resentment.

Could there be a halfway house for the holiday? You stay somewhere apart from the rest but make sure you have time you can spend with PIL? Hopefully even Maleficent would find that acceptable?