In-laws shared beds with 4 year old DD and used my bedroom while babysitting

[Jfhsjdhrhdb]

I’ve changed my name because I’ve told a couple of people in real life about this and don’t want the link.

My DH and I have been away for a couple of nights without the kids (9 and 4). His parents looked after the kids the last two nights. We have 3 double bedrooms and then one kid’s bedroom with bunk beds.

We had one of the doubles set up as the spare room that the in laws always sleep in, with the usual fresh bedding etc. The second double has my 9 year old in. The third double is mine and my husband’s bedroom, the bedroom with bunk beds is where my 4 year old sleeps.

On the second night my DH parents (my children’s grandparents) decided that my 4 year old should sleep in the spare room with Grandpa (my FIL). My MIL got into my and DH bed (our bedroom not ready for guests, no clean bedding, things like medication left out).

I’m furious. Partially because I don’t think it’s appropriate for a grandfather to decide to sleep in a bed with his granddaughter who is 4. I’ve asked her whether it was ok. She understands the PANTS rules. She said that grandpa kissed her on the lips.

Secondly my MIL getting into my bed is a massive breach of privacy.

I don’t like my PIL so that may be clouding my judgement, but how they acted isn’t ok, right? What do I (my DH) do?

Well the obvious answer is don’t ask them to look after the kids at your home again . Have they said why they did this ?

I would go absolutely ballistic tbqh. How dare they do that, there is no reason why 1. Your FIL specifically would need to sleep beside your 4yo DD, and 2. Why your MIL would need to sleep in YOUR bed, and 3. Why the fuck he kissed her on the lips.

I would look much further into this and would not trust them to care for my DC in my absence again. Your DH downplaying it and dismissing your worries is a cause for concern. All of this is extremely sus. The kiss on the lips is really strange to me. Would definitely take this further, regardless of who's feelings may get hurt.

Well yes absolutely. They don’t get to look after the kids again.

The kids struggled to get to sleep the first night without us. Apparently my 4 year old asked Grandpa to help her get to sleep on the second night. But in my head that doesn’t mean ‘spend all night in bed together and MIL goes to sleep in my bed’

It's weird and also the kissing on the lips doesn't sound ok either.

Also weird that you'd go away and leave two people you don't like, to look after your kids.

And you were very lucky the youngest didn't get hold of the medication that was left out.

Don't let them look after your kids again.

I would be very angry and upset by this too.

What was their explanation for the sleeping arrangements?

Well. My reasons for not liking them are more about things like them giving me a book for Christmas called ‘how to lose weight’ (I’m a size 8, but even if I wasn’t it’s never ok to get someone something like that for Christmas!)

I don’t think for a second my MIL would have just slept in my bed without us having said it was ok beforehand.

Jesus!! I’d be livid too! Get your DH to sort it, but in no uncertain terms!

The grandpa wouldn't be allowed near my children ever again so werid. As for the MIL sleeping in your bed wtf.

What does your DH have to say?

Is it possible they are used to sleeping in separate bedrooms at home (eg because of snoring)? They may have found that they couldn't sleep the first night when sharing a room. For that reason I'd be sympathetic about MIL wanting to sleep in your room. Although that doesn't explain why DC2 shared a room with FIL.

Where does it say her DH is downplaying it?

OP I wouldn’t be happy with this at all. Hugely inappropriate and they wouldn’t be left alone with the kids again.

Thanks. It’s useful to have outside opinions to know I’m reacting appropriately.

Grandpa kissed a four year old on the lips and insisted on sleeping in a bed with her? What the actual fuck? I'd be going nuclear about this. Absolutely zero excuse for that behaviour. Really sickening.

The reason doesn't matter.

The fact is you don't like them, therefore imo it's strange to allow them to look after your kids and especially overnight.

Sorry but grandpa is giving pedophile vibes.

For info they are still here, staying for dinner. I’m so angry but I need my DH to handle it and he wants to have a conversation with them away from the kids. Or do I mention it now? The children are here though.

@Jfhsjdhrhdb As for sleeping in your bed univited ; rude and breaking boundaries but forget about that. The major thing here is your daughter sleeping with Fil and the kissing on mouth. I would see a child psychologist specialised on SA to talk with your daughter. You need to know if she was abused in order to help her. Obviously keep the Pils away from your life for time being.

I don't normally think a kid climbing into bed with grandparents is a bad thing, but this is weird.

I would tell them to leave immediately. God knows what he's done to your daughter !!!!

Tell them to get out and leave immediately and tell them exactly why.

I agree but that train has already passed so let's focus on what the OP should do moving forwards.

Hi OP. I would be furious if my MIL slept in my bed given I had set her up in the spare room.

Your husband needs to take the lead here and talk with his parents about how many boundaries were crossed. There will be cross words and pushback but it cannot be left unsaid.
Possible script:
We need to be clear that what happened while we were away wasn't okay. We had specifically arranged sleeping spaces for everyone, and there was no reason for anyone to sleep in our bed. Our bedroom and bed are private to us, and not to be used without our explicit permission.
We also are uncomfortable with our four-year-old sharing a bed with an adult. Please don't believe you can make decisions about the children's sleeping arrangements without discussing them with us first.
These are our boundaries as parents, and they are not up for debate. We expect them to be respected without exception. If they cannot be, then we will need to reconsider whether we can be confident you can safely ook after the children in the future.

Overall i absolutely hate adults kissing kids on the lips, think it’s just wrong!

Well clearly she needs to stop allowing them to look after her children moving forwards.

And keep any medication locked away.