In-laws shared beds with 4 year old DD and used my bedroom while babysitting

[Jfhsjdhrhdb]

I’ve changed my name because I’ve told a couple of people in real life about this and don’t want the link.

My DH and I have been away for a couple of nights without the kids (9 and 4). His parents looked after the kids the last two nights. We have 3 double bedrooms and then one kid’s bedroom with bunk beds.

We had one of the doubles set up as the spare room that the in laws always sleep in, with the usual fresh bedding etc. The second double has my 9 year old in. The third double is mine and my husband’s bedroom, the bedroom with bunk beds is where my 4 year old sleeps.

On the second night my DH parents (my children’s grandparents) decided that my 4 year old should sleep in the spare room with Grandpa (my FIL). My MIL got into my and DH bed (our bedroom not ready for guests, no clean bedding, things like medication left out).

I’m furious. Partially because I don’t think it’s appropriate for a grandfather to decide to sleep in a bed with his granddaughter who is 4. I’ve asked her whether it was ok. She understands the PANTS rules. She said that grandpa kissed her on the lips.

Secondly my MIL getting into my bed is a massive breach of privacy.

I don’t like my PIL so that may be clouding my judgement, but how they acted isn’t ok, right? What do I (my DH) do?

I think it’s less bad than everyone else. Kiss on lips would not sit right but some people do it. Swapping bed etc possibly doing what we all do to try to get a good night. She is 4. I think DH needs to calmly find out why it all happened and then I think you either never ask again or put in place v clear rules. Get DH to say you are both unhappy with what happened.

This. I'd never leave Grampa alone with either DC ever again. I'd certainly be avoiding both in-laws for a very long time.

@Jfhsjdhrhdb You are being unreasonable because you should never leave a child with someone you do not trust to such an extent that you have to reiterate the "pants-on" rule! That is a big mistake. It doesn't matter if its a family member or close friend, you must deeply trust them to look after a child and you clearly did not.

YANBU about your bed, your MIL sleeping in your bed when a guest room was already made up is a huge breach of privacy. If you don’t trust them to respect boundaries, they shouldn’t be babysitting again. Your DH needs to address this firmly with them.

If the FIL had stayed in thr little girl's bedroom then yes that would be a possibility. It's the fact he took her into the guest bedroom and slept with her in there. She wasn't in her own bed.

I would be demanding explanations assp if it were my dd.

Maybe she wouldn’t sleep in her own bed?
lots of people jumping to conclusions here.
If the op did not trust these people, surely she wouldn’t have left her children with them?
Only the op knows if she trusts them or not.

I was sexually abused by my paternal grandfather from very early childhood (so young that I don't actually remember it starting) and the situation described by the OP is making me feel physically sick.

Sorry, OP, but I think you should seek advice on how to speak to your DD about this to find out if anything happened other than the kiss on the lips, although that's creepy enough.

And to those who don't understand why the OP should leave her children with people she doesn't particularly like - that's a non-issue. Setting aside what happened this time, not getting on with your children's grandparents doesn't automatically mean that there's any risk or problem.

A terrible accusation to make

Surely if the 4 yo couldn’t sleep granny should have slept with her , that is what I think most normal people would do

Take your DC on holiday with you next time.

Yes op may, but sadly many kids are abused by extended family members. Op may or may not trust them, but given the circumstances I would be asking for an explanation regardless.

Fil could have slept in the other bunk bed if the child wouldn't sleep alone.

How will your husband react to you essentially accusing his dad of being a paedo?

I would be evaluating calling the police. That's not okay at all. Very worrying.

There's only one way to deal with this and it's going to be difficult. Your DH is going to have to tell his parents they can't look after your DC again because they changed the arrangements you had made without talking to you.

Your MiL has been especially foolish not to have seen how concerning it would be for you that your 4-year old had slept in a bed with her grandfather when she was in another room.

I think you are probably taking a big jump in horrible imagination here. Just because you don't like them it doesn't mean they are child abusers. I wouldn't think my parent sleeping in my bed was a breach of my privacy at all, I would just think it was an available bed. Slightly odd when you had other available beds but they didn't go through your drawers! And probably the sharing was because their grandchild was upset and they thought it would settle them. He might have lain on the bed to read her a story and fallen asleep or any other innocent explanation. Yes, it could be awful but more likely to not be.

I think OP needs to understand more before taking that step.

Absolutely this. Even if the granddaughter asked him too, most men would know that it would be inappropriate to share a bed with the girl. And no reasonable women would let it happen, if only to protect her partner from the potential for false accusations.

Unfortunately most child abuse is by close family members. It is very worrying that your FIL slept alone with DD rather than your MIL.
Your husband needs to have a very serious talk with his parents and I would never be leaving the kids alone with them again.

I wouldn't love it but I don't see an issue unless you have previous worries about FIL?

Oh my gosh. I would be off the scale.

Not sure on advice. Never again comes to mind

We don’t know what’s gone on here, people sexually abuse children so you cannot say it’s not likely. We don’t know. I can think of a million innocent explanations too though. And I cannot imagine pretty much accusing my FIL of being a paedo without any evidence and how much that would blow up my relationship with them and my DP. So no I wouldn’t confront until you’ve had time to speak to DD alone

I would be absolutely furious. Beyond furious.

OP, what is your gut feeling about FIL, before and after this incident? In my immediate family there was serious SA by an immediate family member. I can’t tell you how awful the fallout was for the victims - we are very lucky they are still
here, the mental health impact has been enormous. All I can say is that if you have the slightest suspicion, I would a thousand times upset the GF and GM rather than risk my daughter. I have a a four year old DD and if I found this had happened the GF would never be alone with her again. Don’t let people tell you it’s normal if all your instincts are screaming it’s not. In our family, the wife was an enabler - not an accomplice, just a willingly blind eye because she didn’t want to disrupt her comfortable life. People can be very blind when they choose to be. The fact GM let GF sleep with your DD doesn’t mean you can trust him. Asking a young child about SA can be very tricky - you don’t want to ask leading questions - it may be worth taking advice on how to approach this with her. What does your 9 yo say? It’s a horrible position to be in.

I’d spend time exploring this carefully with your 4 year old in a really casual manner. Did you have a nice time with grandma and gd? What did you do? Why did you want gd to sleep in your bed? What was it like? And gently/brielfy explore what the kiss was like…but all in a very casual way and don’t force discussion if she isn’t in the mood. It might genuinely sound very innocent. Though I think it is very odd. It might just be poor judgment born out of naivety?? Also discussion with DH of course and what he makes of it…..
but I wouldn’t want them to babysit again….

This thread seems to have escalated very quickly! I don't think I would have minded if my Dad had spent a night with my daughter at age 4, I would assume she was having difficulty settling and he went in and fell asleep next to her. Perfectly reasonable. I assume your MIL spent the night in your bed as that was the only other option?
It appears your dislike for them is clouding your judgement and I would ask your husband to speak to them to make sure it was all okay and mention that next time (although I doubt it will happen again!) they don't use your bedroom.

But FIL and the child were in the spare room. He took her from her own room which had two bunk beds. He could easily have slept In her room in the other bunk. My question would be why didn't he.