In-laws shared beds with 4 year old DD and used my bedroom while babysitting

[Jfhsjdhrhdb]

I’ve changed my name because I’ve told a couple of people in real life about this and don’t want the link.

My DH and I have been away for a couple of nights without the kids (9 and 4). His parents looked after the kids the last two nights. We have 3 double bedrooms and then one kid’s bedroom with bunk beds.

We had one of the doubles set up as the spare room that the in laws always sleep in, with the usual fresh bedding etc. The second double has my 9 year old in. The third double is mine and my husband’s bedroom, the bedroom with bunk beds is where my 4 year old sleeps.

On the second night my DH parents (my children’s grandparents) decided that my 4 year old should sleep in the spare room with Grandpa (my FIL). My MIL got into my and DH bed (our bedroom not ready for guests, no clean bedding, things like medication left out).

I’m furious. Partially because I don’t think it’s appropriate for a grandfather to decide to sleep in a bed with his granddaughter who is 4. I’ve asked her whether it was ok. She understands the PANTS rules. She said that grandpa kissed her on the lips.

Secondly my MIL getting into my bed is a massive breach of privacy.

I don’t like my PIL so that may be clouding my judgement, but how they acted isn’t ok, right? What do I (my DH) do?

Poor police. My FiL shared a bed with my 4-year old and kissed her on the lips. Those are the only facts OP has and they are not evidence of sexual abuse. Bad advice.

When our grandchildren stay over with us, one or other of them wants to sleep in our bed and it's musical beds until they fall asleep (and so do we - it's hard work and a responibility being left in charge!) I think perhaps your in-laws wanted everyone to have a peaceful nights sleep and were simply being practical. My 4 year old grandaughter adores her grandad and will fall asleep within minutes of his gentle and loving presence. And we know plenty of families who are lip kissers. There is nothing wrong with it if everyone is OK with it. If you're not, you need to tell your in-laws. Please don't rush in like a bull in a china shop accusing them of all sorts of nonsense as has been suggested by others. Leave it a while and then think about how you want to address it.

i just can’t imagine how broken hearted someone would be if this was the allegation and they were simply being loving grandparents. Even having that aired by family would be awful.

Of course there are evil people about and they deserve everything coming to them but this could be entirely innocent.

The stain of being accused when innocent has dreadful ripples. It would be noticed and then there would be the ‘no smoke without fire’ brigade piping up and before you know it, the accusation would be true.

The hurt and possible repercussions would be immeasurable.

And there would be no coming back.

I always kissed my children on the lips

Sounds like you know it is actually innocent from your last update. Be very careful therefore with accusations, very likely to alienate not just the grandparents but also possibly your husband with a false accusation against his dad.

You need help

Do you suspect your FIL if having sexually abused your DH as a child?

If so, then I can see why you're upset.

If not, why do you think that he is-as you clearly imply- sexually attracted tour four year old?

If you seriously think this, then you must never let him into your home again or indeed see him under any circumstances and in any situation.

If not, then what a load of suspicious, mean minded bollocks.

How would you feel if your husband implied this about your dad or indeed if, in the future, your daughter implied that your husband was sexually attracted to her child?

However, if you have any firm suspicion for feeling that your father in law is a paedophile, then-as I say, never see him again and maybe report your suspicions to the police.

If you don't want to do this-and it would be your duty to do so-why not?

DH is presumably male? Unlike DD4.

Anger management coaching may help.

Well I don’t think this should be a thing

Obviously it could be a red flag but I don’t think it has to be.

Sometimes my 3 year old needs someone with her to fall asleep or if she wakes in the night. Me, DH, DC3 and 9 month old stayed with my parents a couple of weeks ago for a few days. My 3 year old sleeps in a double bed there and has been going through a nightmare stage up and down all night and me and husband are exhausted, my parents took a night each sleeping with my 3 year old and we all got better sleep for it. So I don’t think it has to be a red flag. I also grew up in a family that kissed on the mouth, I remember naturally stopping as a teen with everyone except my nanna and Ganda, who I carried on with for a few more years, as it was habit with them still and completely innocent.

edit to say, the sleeping in your bed but thing would really annoy me though but I can see how it could happen so one of them got sleep. Would you feel the same if it was your mum?

I would not be happy with any of this at all, and I certainly would never allow an overnight with your ILs ever again.

It's lucky nothing happened with your DD, but I think there are red flags there. For a start, if it was DH and I doing this babysitting I would be in bed with the little one and DH would be snoring peacefully next door. I don't know any couples where this would not be the case. I think that is suspicious and although I wouldn't go to the police, it would make me more watchful in future.

It could all have been completely innocent, kids were unsettled and wakeful, and people were just tired, but that gives you the perfect excuse to get out of anything similar in the future.

@Jfhsjdhrhdb you need to speak to your H about this and really fill in some gaps before deciding what to do about it

I dated someone a long time ago, we were in our mid twenties and all their family were kissing their 2-3 years old nieces on the lips, him including, grandparents. i was horrified!

Why?

You didn't actually urgently need to check anything IMO, I would assume all was well if I had left them with loving, trusted GPs.
I think you should have said thanks for looking after them, sorry they didn't sleep, well done for finding a solution.

it’s only my opinion? I don’t think we should kiss children, even our own, on the lips.

I think if I was in the OP's situation I'd just make sure the children weren't left in their care again.

This, my mum once did the same. But we had 3 additional clean and newly appointed ensuite guests rooms, all with super king beds - as well as the kids rooms and the guest room I’d allocated to my parents, but she decided to sleep in mine (also unwashed bedding). I found that weird and it was my Mum 🤷🏼‍♀️

Right ho!

Paedophiles will usually abuse whatever pre-pubescent child falls into their clutches.

But, if I take your point, surely the man's own son must have some inkling and I don't for one second believe that if her father in law is a paedophile, that he will have done nothing about it until right now.

That's not what these monsters do.

The OP seems convinced and, if I was as convinced as she was, I would be on my way to the police because my daughter might not be the only victim and if my husband didn't like it, I would divorce him.

That is what a normal woman would do.

However, I don't think she will.

Why might that be?

Only two options.

1. She is a disgrace to believe this and not involve the law-how will she feel if he abuses another child down the line

OR

2. She doesn't believe it at all and is just creating shit for the sake for it, Billy Big Bollocks, trying to lay down the law.

The thing is @Jfhsjdhrhdb this is Mumsnet and you will get a ton of oddballs/weirdos telling you that a Grandfather sharing a bed with your 4 year old and kissing her on the lips is totally normal.
Please read some other threads, these oddballs/weirdos minimise weird, even abusive behaviour by men all of the time. This is not a normal space to get advice on things like this.

It is inappropriate behaviour. MIL shouldn't have got into your bed. Grandad could've stayed with little one in her room until she fell asleep and where on earth were they when he kissed her on the lips? I'm getting the sense that theres zero boundaries and people with no boundaries make me nervous. Especially round children.

---

Hes the child's grandfather and he slept next to her to help her feel safe. My husband often lies down next to his small grandchildren and we have one that always puckers his lips up for a kiss. Stop being so hysterical.

Yikes, that’s totally unacceptable!!! Even if you were a size 20, it’d be unacceptable!

After all this you have a legitimate reason not to want to have anything to do with them! They are rude and disrespectful to you and they clearly have boundary issues! How does DH feel about the whole thing?

Yes, but why?

Inappropriate! Stay in the room, yes. Sleep with her, no. She puckers up, give her a kiss on the cheeks! Never on the lips from a grown man!