In-laws shared beds with 4 year old DD and used my bedroom while babysitting

[Jfhsjdhrhdb]

I’ve changed my name because I’ve told a couple of people in real life about this and don’t want the link.

My DH and I have been away for a couple of nights without the kids (9 and 4). His parents looked after the kids the last two nights. We have 3 double bedrooms and then one kid’s bedroom with bunk beds.

We had one of the doubles set up as the spare room that the in laws always sleep in, with the usual fresh bedding etc. The second double has my 9 year old in. The third double is mine and my husband’s bedroom, the bedroom with bunk beds is where my 4 year old sleeps.

On the second night my DH parents (my children’s grandparents) decided that my 4 year old should sleep in the spare room with Grandpa (my FIL). My MIL got into my and DH bed (our bedroom not ready for guests, no clean bedding, things like medication left out).

I’m furious. Partially because I don’t think it’s appropriate for a grandfather to decide to sleep in a bed with his granddaughter who is 4. I’ve asked her whether it was ok. She understands the PANTS rules. She said that grandpa kissed her on the lips.

Secondly my MIL getting into my bed is a massive breach of privacy.

I don’t like my PIL so that may be clouding my judgement, but how they acted isn’t ok, right? What do I (my DH) do?

Ok the way this is written has caused the responses , but if I rewrite it like this

my 4 year old would not sleep and wanted her grandfather to help her, he couldn’t get her to go to sleep and she only wanted him. So in the vain hope they all got some sleep he took her into his bed and as no space my mil moved into ours.

rhe lips thing is weird, but id really before accusing this man of paedophilia as posters are urging, id be really sure of what happened.

Where did he "insist" on sleeping with her?

When either of my DGCs are sleeping over and aren't settling, someone lying with them makes them feel more secure, and they eventually drop off. More than once I've fallen asleep next to them. I'm not sure why that explanation seems to be being ruled out.

I would feel horrible. I wouldn’t want my young child sleeping in a bed with any man other than their father. You’re not wrong at all for feeling unhappy about this!

Our gc are younger but in that scenario if looking at a second night of disturbed sleep we would have put 4 yr old girl in guest bedroom with me and grandpa would have been sent to one of the bunk beds.
In the very immediate your DH needs to talk to his parents about the various boundaries you want in place and slower time you need to see if your dd can tell you what did and didn’t happen.

@Jfhsjdhrhdb

How did you find out about your FIL kissing his granddaughter on the lips? Did your daughter volunteer this? Did your FIL volunteer this? Or something else?

We have our grandchildren overnight all the time and quite honestly sometimes they all bed hop. In the ideal world none of this would happen but your reaction says more about you than them. My DH and I always sleep separate and when the grandchildren stay 2 of them sleep well and never wake up 2 are bad sleepers and it's a lottery as to who wakes up in what bed. You've roused the pitchforks with this thread but perhaps take a breath. This is a man you presumably trust implicitly? After all you left your DC with him for over 48 hours. I'd be upset at sleeping in my bed but I can also see how that came about. One of our granddaughters loves her Grandad and he has a knack for getting her off for naps and to sleep shed choose him over me everyday

I would be deeply concerned by this and frankly would be calling the police.

I agree.

It s important to find out what happened before involving police.

Like another poster, I can think of innocent reasons for this happening and would not automatically jump to anything awful.

I’d want to be sure because once that allegation is out it cannot be put back in.

As absolutely awful as it would be if something terrible happened to your child, it would be devastating for him to be accused of this if everything was completely innocent.

My ex’s family kiss on the lips. It was certainly weird to me as my family don’t do shows of affection. It is second nature to them though.

Understand your concerns re dd sleeping with fil and dislike of mil using your bed......But it could all be very innocent and normal to them.
Tread carefully, because there will be no coming back from you accusing them of things that didn't happen.
A few sensitive questions with your dd may help the situation.
Kissing on the lips is a difficult one, I'm not keen with kids cos of their bugs, but my little grandson kisses me on the lips and id hate to upset him!!

Yes I think she’s raised the pitch forks too due to how it’s written. And people are now egging her on he’s a full on paedo, granny knows about it and vacated the bed to allow abuse.

when in reality this was probably they were all knackered and the 4 year old wouldn’t sleep and only wanted grandad.

You have to deal with the totality of the OP not try to find excuses for half the incident. Its all the same incident.

I would not be okay with this. Have you asked your partner if kissing on the lips is something his parents did with him as a child? How did your daughter tell you about the kissing - was it unprompted? I think even children that age can feel uncomfortable about a situation and want to tell someone to see what their reaction is.

I think you have jumped to conclusions. My kid always wants to sleep in the big bed whenever we are on holiday or something is different because he feels safer that way. If kids are unsettled and need comfort - they might have just said fine sleep here. My kid also prefers my dad rather than my mum, they have a close bond, not with my mum. In fact all their grandkids are much closer to my dad and my mum.

Would the same be thought of if this was say an aunt? If something like that happened when I was looking after a nephew - I would totally hit the roof. It's bad enough you get them to look after your kids - but then you think they are pedos???

Does it mean that sexual abuse doesn't happen? Of course it does. But to assume that every man is a pedo is a bit much. So without any other indication - yes, your dislike of them is clouding your judgment.

I get that you might not have been pleased about them using your bedroom. However, for the future - if someone is looking after your kids- just assume they will go everywhere! I have to assume that with my kids' friends, let alone anyone else. Kids know no boundaries - and therefore, people who look after them also have to go everywhere. It's annoying yes, but not surprising.

Well the 4 year old would have to be on the bottom bunk for safety, and I'm not sure I would want to climb up and sleep on a top bunk so I don't see a problem with that. In hindsight it would have been better if the 4 year old was in with the grandmother but perhaps she trusts her husband 100% so never thought anything of it.

I took the kids out for a bike ride by themselves when we got back so I could gently talk to her. I asked her if Grandpa kissed her. She said ‘yes on the lips’. I talked to her about the pants rules and she said there wasn’t anything else.

And yes - how are you meant to comfort a kid in a bunk bed? Sorry they seem very awkward.....and if I was older - I woldnt want to climb up on the top. It's far too small and annoying for an adult. My father would absolutely not be able to sleep on a top bunk if my 4 year old needed comfort and was sleeping on the bottom one. Not sure that I would do that as an aunt either.

It's a really serious accusation. You would need to be able to give a solid factual account to the police police if they were to take you seriously. Sharing a bed and a kiss on the lips are what the OP has at the moment. As you say, different families have different standards. My dad kissed me on the lips as a child and my mum didn't like it at all.

Also this is a 4 year old saying that so not really reliable we try and avoid kissing anywhere but forehead as they are plague ridden germ factories at that age.

You clearly have an agenda

Your four-year old sounds quite clear. Do you feel reassured, OP?

I agree with you, I do think it’s this. They are a very kissy and huggy family.

What I don’t appreciate is coming back from my break, finding out that this happened, and having to get into checking on my DD to make sure nothing happened.

I personally feel there is a mountain being made put of a mole hill here.
I wouldnt care who slept where your dd4 properly settled better in your bed so they stayed with her.
As for grandpa kissing on the lips shes 4! She will grow out of this,when shes ready she will the. Start giving her xheek or forehead, just for context at 15 i had a major migraine being sick ect i slept in bed with my grandpa whete he kept his eye on me! (Until i was 7 we shared a bed with my siblings having a sleep over,watching Strictly!)I see zero issues!

I think you need to clarify exactly what happened and why, and discuss with your husband. All families do things differently and DD may have been unsettled and asked her grandpa to stay. I don’t think it’s acceptable for your MIL to go into your bedroom at all, let alone sleep there.
I would feel uncomfortable about the whole situation to say the least.

Revolting specimen. Kissing a kid on the lips is bad enough but sharing a bed too? I would have gone ballistic at them and h too if he didn't sort it out.
But then it doesn't take much to set my anger off around anyone who is messing about / bullying anyone who is vulnerable.

Presumably you wanted GF to stay in the room with 4yr old until she fell asleep.

Maybe he tried this?

Are they just not clued up about things?

Think that things are acceptable because they are GPs?

How insistent have they been about looking after the kids overnight?

You didn't have to agree!