Wife now only wants adoption after failed shared motherhood IVF attempt as she wants to feel like the baby is also hers

[synn91]

Hi all,
I really need advice.
My wife and I (same sex couple) have recently tried to complete an IVF cycle - shared motherhood. She was donating her egg to me and I would carry the baby. Unfortunately this did not work and she had no eggs when the collection took place.
It was always offered that I would then try with our donor sperm. Since this has happened, my wife had said to me that the only way she would want a child with me is through adoption.
She said she would request a divorce if I became pregnant through IVF with our donor sperm as she wouldn't feel like the baby was hers too.
I've told her she comes first and if she wants to adopt we can do that but part of me feels really hurt and let down.
Am I wrong to feel like this? My head is a mess and I would really appreciate some impartial advice as family are kicking off about it and are telling me to go ahead with the treatment. Thanks in advance.

Well she obviously won’t do “absolutely anything” will she

OP I think your wife is being incredibly unfair. You were willing to carry her biological child which you would presumably have loved equally. Why is she not willing to do the same and love a child that is her wife’s biologically. That’s inexplicable. Jealousy?

Whatever the reason, as a Counsellor she must know she’s behaving badly in so far as her my way or the highway, and I’ll divorce you threats.

Yes adopting is family too, but as a Mum sorry to say, there’s a chance your marriage might not last. In 40 years time think about what if it doesn’t? Will you have regrets, sliding doors 🚪 about not conceiving your own child when you had a chance to? Odds are low, but at least you’ll know.

It is possible you can and should decide to do this alone. Personally I wouldn’t be threatened, given ultimatums or be told no without a proper explanation. Not being able to bond or love the child is rubbish and a red herring, she’s closing off and speculating - unless she feels she will resent the child and you being biologically related (quite happy when it was the other way round though??).

Your call, but there’s plenty more lovely women out there (last thing you’ll want or feel like) but this could be your only chance to have your own child. Might be you call it time on the marriage and try.

You must feel quite alone at times just now even though married. That’s not fair or right.

FWIW too think you should let your wife see this thread.

It’s not your hope to try again with your eggs and donor sperm that’s the problem, it’s her attitude and reaction to it that is. Surely as a Counsellor she has the tools to work through that and get on board?

Can I ask why it didn't bother you that she was 'the other mum', and why you think she would have been less of a parent? Did she know you felt that way?

You'd rather use donor eggs than your own healthy eggs? You'd rather have a child deliberately with no genetic link to either of you than a child who could be your biological child? You'd want to use an egg that could be used by a genuinely infertile woman and have another woman go through the risk of egg donation just so your wife doesn't have a hissy fit!?!?

It would still be a problem, children in care are not a salve to infertility. The child that the OP wants hasn't been conceived, the adoption process takes about a year, the family that the OPs is wish baby has a family right now. Its too soon for ultimatums and my child centric approach is being seen as abuse. I will not stop reminding prospective adoptive parents of their responsibilities, not the supposed pie in the sky rights. I dont care that my very restrained pragmatism ruffles feathers. You need to be made of very tough stuff. Two weeks after EC is bot the time.

sorry you have been through this ivf outcome - it is bitterly disappointing.

could you try the same again? Or it it likely she won’t produce eggs again? It can really vary cycle to cycle.

my husband and I have always felt like we would adopt if we couldn’t both be parents - I think we would both feel a bit unsettled if only one of us was related to the baby. Also adoption feels exciting and very important too.

but this is something you need to agree on. I assume she is just very upset at the moment and needs time?

I have seen failed IVf break a few marriages. It’s sad but sometimes people can’t move on from what they thought would be their life to a new reality and decide to go and live life an entirely different way rather than be reminded of the heartache the ivf failure caused. In her case her chance of being bioogical mother are completely over, I think she is giving you an out clause. You can’t go and have the donor if you want to stay it will be a total violation of trust and the child will be resented. If you adopt then you may resent that choice too.

OP - what a sorry situation

iVF mum here so I get the emotional rollercoaster
but I don’t get your wife’s mindset about adoption over your egg ???
that just doesn’t make sense to me, and I can see why your head is in a mess -

when I was desperate for my baby, I remember thinking that my partner - if he didn’t want to go down the IVF road with me - would be a deal breaker -
I would have been heartbroken but for me motherhood outweighed the relationship -
luckily he was on board, although initially said he would be OK child-free

Not read the entire thread, but is there no chance to do another egg collection?

If you got any eggs, the you do a egg collection and the clinic just takes the best embryo with telling you who's they used? Easier for men o guess to mix sperm.

I'm sorry your in this situation. There's nothing wrong in IVF so ignore the hurtful comments.

Unless your wife is relying on emotional support from family members, I’d honestly keep them out of any discussions. It isn’t helpful.

Your wife's point of view is crazy. I can only guess you don't know many lesbian mums - I do and the ones who don't carry the child are no less connected to it. I would go ahead with your treatment and take her up on that offer of a divorce.

But she’ll be feeling devastated and scared and may be inferior to OP in someway / insecure. It doesn’t justify it but she’s probably in an unusually bad place right now. OP will be suffering too, of course, but if guess everyone is different and she’s probably feeling awful about not having eggs for harvesting.

What the actual fuck are you looking for from that comment?

Thank you so much. Xx

Wow. Feel better for that? Kindness is free.

She is being unfair but she’s hurting, grieving for what now won’t be able to happen. You need to park the conversation, not just for a week or so but a few months IMO. Take time for you both to heal.
However, and I’m not saying this to upset you but if in a few months you both still feel the same way there won’t be a happy ending, your marriage will be over. You will either resent her for adopting and not having a child that is biologically related to you or she will resent you if you do have IVF, that’s if she hasn’t left before then. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.

Because she was fine with it, she had always known she was gay, knew that there was potential that she might not be the biological parent and she didn’t feel the same way as me luckily so she was happy for me to be the biological mum.

We waited too long though, so we made the decision that it made the most sense now we’re ready to start trying for her to be, but it’s a complex emotion. I would have preferred it to be me, but ultimately we want a child and we want to give ourselves the best chance and I’ve had enough time to readjust my expectations

Hi OP, I'm a lesbian mother by donor and by adoption, and we did indeed have issues caused by me being a bio mother and her not. I just want to say two things:first, my heart goes out to you. This is very, very hard. Second, give yourselves some time. Your wife is reeling from finding out she can't be a biological mother, you are reeling from what she said to you.

Let the dust settle, then have some counselling. I can't recommend counselling enough for you at this stage. It will also stand you in good stead if you do go for adoption (they really like evidence that you are resourceful in dealing with your issues, and they will definitely want to know that you are dealing with the grief of accepting you won't be going the bio route).

You have time. I know it doesn't feel like that, but at 35 you can afford to take a few months out to let the feelings out and then have some counselling. 36 is still an ok age to try getting pg with donor sperm. And it is positively youthful for a potential adopter.

Do dm me if you want to talk further. And best of luck.

my guess is that if you listen - actually listen- to her concerns, don’t minimise and provide a LOT of reassurance, she will come round to the idea of using your eggs.

She is going through a lot. Even if you were chilled about the idea of not having your own biological children it’s a simple reality that the vast majority of people want to have their own kids - she’s not an anomaly here. She is probably worried that the child will have a better bond with you than with her. Hear her out and do your best to reassure her that she will be equally involved in the raising of the child etc.

I‘m posting not because I’ve got much in the way of wisdom but because I’m appalled at some of the posters on here. Truly. I hope they feel good about themselves.
@synn91 its a horrible situation to find yourself in and I am sure your wife is really struggling with this situation and this has caused her to (in my view) make a very extreme and rash statement. After all, it is your wife who strictly speaking has found out she is infertile. This is very sad.
Honestly on a level playing field I feel she is being unfair but of course this situation is fundamentally unfair. I don’t have the answer but I don’t doubt that she would love your baby if you had a baby that was genetically yours, because she loves you. It’s just hard for her to reconcile her feelings with the current situation. Let her sit with it for a while I think. Maybe discuss again. After all you can be a biological mother and it isn’t fair to discount that entirely.

This situation is very difficult, but you need to prioritise the needs of the child above your own your and above your wife's.

You have the chance for your child to be genetically linked to your family. It might not be important to you, but it might be very important to them.

There are situations where this is not possible and donor eggs are used, but that isn't the case here. Please imagine explaining to your child the reason they are not genetically linked to either of you is because one of their parents prioritised their own needs and wants over the child's.

I am posting this as a mother of a donor conceived child.

Getting a healthy baby in the UK via adoption is very very rare. I know one family who adopted primary-aged siblings who were removed from their biological family and another family who adopted a toddler who was removed from their drug-addicted biological parents (this child has had a very secure middle-class upbringing, but has never settled at school, has been excluded from several schools, and has impulse control challenges—they are about to age out of secondary school, and I worry about what their next steps/prospects will be).

The easiest way to a) guarantee that you are successful in becoming a family, and b) not have the challenges of past trauma (it has to be REALLY serious before Childrens Social Services actually remove a child) and possible exposure to drugs in utero, is to go through surrogacy yourselves, whatever that looks like, even if it means that it’s with your younger eggs.

Ah. IVF is shit. Spanners in the works that you didn’t think would come up. I would give it time. She’ll be hurt, embarrassed, annoyed and deflated and the hormones don’t help neither. If you’re usually probably solid she might come round to thinking that just because she can’t use her eggs doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have a chance to try. After all we only get one life and not many years to have a chance at motherhood. It’s probably not the right time to discuss. My honest advice would be to book a holiday together and enjoy just you two again, then discuss later. And book into the IVF counsellor too. I hope it works out for you both x

What a difficult situation. I feel for you both. There is no perfect answer. However, as you are probably aware, babies given up for adoption are rare these days, and most of the ones who are available are quite likely to have some problems due to the early experiences that caused them to be in care.