Wife now only wants adoption after failed shared motherhood IVF attempt as she wants to feel like the baby is also hers

[synn91]

Hi all,
I really need advice.
My wife and I (same sex couple) have recently tried to complete an IVF cycle - shared motherhood. She was donating her egg to me and I would carry the baby. Unfortunately this did not work and she had no eggs when the collection took place.
It was always offered that I would then try with our donor sperm. Since this has happened, my wife had said to me that the only way she would want a child with me is through adoption.
She said she would request a divorce if I became pregnant through IVF with our donor sperm as she wouldn't feel like the baby was hers too.
I've told her she comes first and if she wants to adopt we can do that but part of me feels really hurt and let down.
Am I wrong to feel like this? My head is a mess and I would really appreciate some impartial advice as family are kicking off about it and are telling me to go ahead with the treatment. Thanks in advance.

How long ago was the attempted harvest? could she be having a knee jerk reaction?

It is unfortunately not something you can compromise on so it looks like you need to think hard about what you want more, your wife, or the chance of motherhood.

I'm 35, I've had tests with the clinic and her results were better than mine initially.
The EC happened 2 weeks ago and since then, she's made this comment.
We are both absolutely desperate for children, we would do anything to become parents.
We are fully aware of the adoption process. My dad and cousin were adopted and she has adopted members in her family.
Everything had changed in the space of 2 weeks and it's really thrown us. The IVF process so far has been heartbreaking.

Oh come ON, @synn91

If someone told me that if I don't do what they want they'll divorce me.....I'd run for the hills. And she's a COUNSELLOR you say? Fuck!

ask yourself some questions like…

What do you want op?
if you go on to adopt would you ever “get over” not having a baby yourself?

would the thought of not even trying yourself get to you?

if you do adopt who would be the primary care giver to the adopted child? If it wouldn’t be you? Would this bring up hurt as you didn’t get the chance to have a baby yourself?

if she is willing to leave you because you had a child then why is that acceptable to you to stay in the relationship?

why is it ok for her to have her egg used and not yours?

Is fostering an option first or is it because of her age you think adoption is the best option straight away?

what could you deal with better the adoption and never having your own or having your own but a divorce?

It was 2 weeks ago.
She is always my number one but my whole life has been turned upside down.

Would she be open to embryo adoption. That way neither of you is the generic parent

We did discuss this but I would still be carrying. This is an option though, thank you.

You and your partner are not suitable for adoption, if you don't believe me, please show this thread to the adoption agencies that you try. Children are not commodities, children that are in care do not need or want your unresolved situation. Its unfair to you and more importantly, them. I'm sorry but your desperate wanting and her buts and roadblocks aren't gonna cut it with most agencies.

Everything should be in the best interest of the baby. "Experiencing motherhood" isn't always positive or fun - it can even be very traumatic actually. Agree on planning for a healthy baby, whatever method you use even if it is adoption.

Oh my goodness, did you seek fertility advice before begining this venture ? At 45 it is no surprise there were no viable eggs, if motherhood was important to either or both of you why have you waited until now to begin this journey ?

I disagree.
Just because they aren't suitable right now 2 weeks after a failed ivf attempt, doesn't mean that in 6months to a year after thoughtful discussion that they won't be suitable then.

Also be aware that the pre-egg collection hormones can make anyone a bit “crazy”, particularly combined with a failed egg collection. I wasn’t at my best going through (eventually successful) IVF. Unmumsnetty hugs.

That's not for you to judge, thank you. We are both professionally qualified women who are feeling the worst we have ever felt in our lives and in emotional turmoil over a failed IVF attempt. Compassion costs nothing.

I didn't say they wouldn't, right now they are reeling and no reputable UK agency will disagree with my stance.

No agency takes anyone on 2 weeks after failed ivf.

IVF is brutal. Your wife will still be full of hormones and she will be feeling very fragile
emotionally. Give her a few weeks to feel herself again

We did yes, from the specialist clinic we paid £18k to and my medical colleagues. We waited so long because we couldn't afford IVF treatment. We had to save up for years.

Has she a brother who could donate sperm to you the she would have a familial link?

I'm struggling to understand your wife's mindset - why a baby that would not be genetically related to either of you would be more 'hers' than a baby that was genetically yours plus a sperm donor. Please do put me right if I'm wrong but I thought since you are married, any baby that either of you gives birth to will have you both as parents by default, as would be the case with the husband of an opposite sex couple even if he wasn't the bio dad..

This is such a hard thing and I sympathise with both of you hugely. But if my DH had been infertile and said he wasn’t willing for me to use donor sperm I think I’d feel very hurt.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. What a cruel and selfish ultimatum.
Parents are parents, regardless of genetics. I hope she is just reacting emotionally out of disappointment and will get over herself. People often try to exert control over something/someone when in a situation where there is so much they cannot control because they can't deal with the loss of it. One for the counsellor's counsellor to unpick I think.

I share PPs reservations about continuing the relationship and having a child within this dynamic.

You both need to explore these feelings, probably in therapy and see if you can work through them.

Otherwise some difficult choices are ahead.

That could get complicated though - a man involved in your lives in other ways, would be a biological parent and may have strong feelings about the child before and after the birth.

That is shit, I am so sorry 18K is a complete rip-off. Would you consider using donor eggs ? How would you wife feel about that ?

My compassion is with kids and babies in care and getting the best outcome. I don't doubt you're in a world of pain but you both need to slow down, adoption because my wife will divorce me isn't great. I'm not saying never, I actually think you and your wife can have the family you want but 2 weeks post EC isn't the time to think of adoption or divorce. Im sorry that Im so harsh, close to my heart and I hadn't considered yours x

I guess the wife is feeling that an adopted child is equally 'theirs' whereas if OP provides the egg and carries the baby then the child is more OP's?