Wife now only wants adoption after failed shared motherhood IVF attempt as she wants to feel like the baby is also hers

[synn91]

Hi all,
I really need advice.
My wife and I (same sex couple) have recently tried to complete an IVF cycle - shared motherhood. She was donating her egg to me and I would carry the baby. Unfortunately this did not work and she had no eggs when the collection took place.
It was always offered that I would then try with our donor sperm. Since this has happened, my wife had said to me that the only way she would want a child with me is through adoption.
She said she would request a divorce if I became pregnant through IVF with our donor sperm as she wouldn't feel like the baby was hers too.
I've told her she comes first and if she wants to adopt we can do that but part of me feels really hurt and let down.
Am I wrong to feel like this? My head is a mess and I would really appreciate some impartial advice as family are kicking off about it and are telling me to go ahead with the treatment. Thanks in advance.

Would she and you be willing to try you donating the egg and her carrying the baby?

Or is it that she wants to be the “biological” mum out of the both of you or neither of you is “biological”?

Because if that’s the case then actually I think your family are right. Why can’t you be the egg donor in the marriage?

How do you felL about divorce and being a single parent?

What does it have to do with your family?. I wouldn't want a child with anyone who tolerates their family "kicking off" about how it's to be created.

Why was the original decision that you'd carry the baby taken?

How is your relationship otherwise?

Parenthood tends to widen cracks in relationships rather than bring couples together.

These are decisions you really, really need to be on the same page for.

Neither conceiving or adopting a child into a relationship which isn’t entirely rock solid is a good idea.

My wife is 10 years older than me and is unable to carry the pregnancy due to a pre-existing health condition. The reason why we chose shared motherhood was so she could have a genetic link and I would carry, therefore us both being a part on bringing the baby in to the world. We are absolutely solid as a couple but this comment has really thrown me.

I guess it depends on both your reasons, but it all seems a bit “if I can’t have it, neither can you”. At ten years older than you, unless you are early 20s, it’s no surprise there might be an issue with egg harvesting. This is all presumably about the relationship between you and how she would feel if you had a biological child and she didn’t.

Neither of you are wrong. She’s drawn her line in the sand and you have every right to feel how you do about it.

I understand her position. She wants to feel an equal parent be that shared motherhood or neither of you being a biological parent. I think it’s easy for you to dismiss that when you have the option of being the only biological parent. However I can see that you would want that opportunity if you can achieve it but it would hurt her.

Divorce seems a reckless comment to make but she obviously feels strongly. I have no idea of what happens in such situations should you carry a donor sperm baby and then the marriage breaks down in the future anyway. Would you have more rights?

You might think you are solid but I would be very wary.

Do you really think someone who requires a genetic link to the point shed begrudge you one.... is actually going to wholeheartedly embrace a child (likely with some trauma and the complications of open contact) who isnt genetically hers????

To me, family is about love, not blood. I'm 35 but she's much healthier than me in regards to gynae scans etc so it might not have even worked with me anyway but the chance would have been nice. I feel like if I say I want to go ahead and try IVF for myself, she will leave and if it doesn't work, I'll be divorced with no child anyway. The whole thing is a mess 😭 everything else was perfect until now. We've been together 10 years and never had any issues.

it’s sad but i can see where she is coming from. it’s like she’d be the step mum and you the real mum.

Counselling - you need to talk this through. It’s a complex issue with high emotions.

What a mess. Don’t have a baby together.

The irony is she is a counsellor. We've spoken with the clinic but all they care about is money. They haven't helped us at all.

Not helpful, thanks.

Not helpful, thanks.

How old are you and have you had any assessment of your own fertility?
Has this just happened, or is this something that your partner has had time to think about it? It is devastating to have no eggs for collection (been there), and is often something that has not occurred to people.

How much do you want children and is there a chance that you could feel as your partner does in 10 years time?

is there any reason to think that you would even need IVF if you wanted to conceive? It would be easier and cheaper if not required, therefore giving you more potential attempts.

Have you any idea what would actually be involved in adoption, or is it something that you have just said in passing as an alternative? It is a very rigorous assessment process and children in the system almost certainly have come from very difficult backgrounds.

Whilst your marriage is very important, you do also need to think about what you as an individual want or would attempt (nobody can guarantee outcomes) and that may be different to you as part of a couple.

It probably the best advice here though. You shouldn't be involving a child in this.

All I wanted was advise, not abuse. I should never have asked.

This is a very sad, emotional situation.
I knew a lesbian couple where only one could carry a baby due to the other having had cancer - and she also had fertility issues. It took a long and difficult journey for them to have their lovely child. Both were mum, the biology of it made no difference. Although sadly the non carrying mum has since died which is so sad for all of them.
I do see where your wife is coming from. And you too. Neither is right or wrong. Do let the dust settle and emotions calm down before broaching this.

I can see her point.
With Plan A you would have been equal parents.
With this plan there is a risk that you would 'pull rank' consciously or subconsciously as being the primary parent. Or she would feel the 'lesser' parent regardless.
With adoption you are back to being equal again.

Shes 45 and trying to harvest eggs????

Come now...the dr who took your money should be ashamed.

Pre children I'd have said the following is bullshit but post children i can confirm.its true....😬
I would take a child over a partner any day

I vote do the sperm donor....!!!

How is that abuse? You family are 'kicking off' over a very intimate thing in your relationship and you're thinking about having a child against your wife's wishes. My considered advice is don't.

I know a good number of lesbian couples who have children and absolutely none of them feel this way. The non birth mum is present from conception to scan to birth to sleepless nights etc and it's really nothing like being a step mum. You might compare it to adoption but it's also completely different to that because the non birth mum is part of the decision to have the child and the birth mum is her partner/wife!

This is so tricky OP. It's all well and good to decide beforehand "if this doesn't work, we'll try this" but the reality is very different as your wife is discovering.

I tend to think that if this is really important to her and you don't mind (in your post you say that family isn't about blood) then why not let her have her way? The divorce comment was a bit nuclear though.

Your family need to keep out of it. This is between you two.

At 45, your wife’s chances of successful egg harvesting and a live birth (even with you carrying the pregnancy) must have been very low. I hope you can work through this issue with her. Unfortunately counsellors can have blind spots when it comes to their own personalities. 💐💐

In all honesty if you were to go for adoption this issue would come up during the assessment and need a LOT of probing and questioning. It’s possible that the adoption agency wouldn’t support you as adoptive parents right away because of this potential unresolved tension within the relationship and what it says about parenting or future expectations.
I don’t have any answers, I would be very upset myself. Counselling would probably have to be the route to go down. She’s entitled to her feelings as you are to yours but issuing such stark declarations (adoption or divorce) would worry me about the current state of your relationship or buried issues that might not be resolved if ignored. Post adoption grief is very real-could you handle the realization you won’t have your own pregnancy or have had a go at it if you go forth with adoption? Would there always be a sense of ‘what if’ or resentment towards your wife? I’m sorry to ask such hard questions but they need answering before you go any further