Wife now only wants adoption after failed shared motherhood IVF attempt as she wants to feel like the baby is also hers

[synn91]

Hi all,
I really need advice.
My wife and I (same sex couple) have recently tried to complete an IVF cycle - shared motherhood. She was donating her egg to me and I would carry the baby. Unfortunately this did not work and she had no eggs when the collection took place.
It was always offered that I would then try with our donor sperm. Since this has happened, my wife had said to me that the only way she would want a child with me is through adoption.
She said she would request a divorce if I became pregnant through IVF with our donor sperm as she wouldn't feel like the baby was hers too.
I've told her she comes first and if she wants to adopt we can do that but part of me feels really hurt and let down.
Am I wrong to feel like this? My head is a mess and I would really appreciate some impartial advice as family are kicking off about it and are telling me to go ahead with the treatment. Thanks in advance.

My husband and I tried surrogacy, my eggs, his sperm. The surrogate did not get pregnant. This wonderful lady offered to do a straight surrogacy, which would have had more chance of a pregnancy. (Her egg, my husband's sperm). I was more than happy with this, but my husband wanted the child to be both of ours and did not want to go ahead. Such an enormously emotive time to navigate. I feel that you both have to be 100% on the same page, however much you want a child. I really hope it works out for you both

When we went through IVF, I couldn’t imagine my DH not being a dad so I gave him the option of a divorce and to walk away and try find someone else to conceive with.. that’s love (I think). So when the dust has settled, if she is still insisting you can’t be a biological mum then I would be reconsidering the relationship.

If a lesbian couple use reciprocal IVF, thar doesn't make the carrying mother a surrogate- in the sense that she's bringing up the baby and an equal partner. It's not that uncommon..more risky health wise but that's a different issue.

Yes, 3 people are connected to the child in different ways : but this happens in other cases, eg. When a straight couple use a sperm donor.

That's so true. I know someone who had twins with her egg and a sperm donor as her husband was infertile and you wouldn't know. He is their Dad, there's SO much love there.

It’s not a surprise that her 45 year old eggs weren’t viable. It makes me uneasy that she wanted you as a surrogate - her egg but you do the hard stuff (pregnancy and delivery and recovery) - but isn’t happy if you use your own eggs. If she wanted to be a mum then you getting pregnant with your own younger eggs would be the best solution. Your partner sounds very controlling.

Thanks for the reply. She's not controlling at all, very much the opposite. She has such a kind soul, just going through hell at the moment. We wanted shared motherhood and did everything in our power to make it happen.

Have you had equally specific conversations about how you wparent; how you would approach parental leave, finances and work/childcare?

What devastating news. What she is saying sounds like fear and panic over not feeling connected to a child that would be genetically yours but not hers. I second the suggestions of counselling. There is huge joy to be found in seeing your partner in your children. Any baby would love both their mummies equally. She needs to grieve the child she thought you were going to have, and then you two can speak about other options for making a family.

Yes, of course. We are both professionals and work shifts. Work are very supportive. We have no concerns on a practical basis.

I had a friend in this situation too. Her husband can be controlling so I can see why she didn't want to give him that power, though she would never admit that. I have also heard of lesbian couples who have one child each or one has a child biologically and when they separate they take the child and the non bio mum is not allowed contact. It happens.

This is it really. I was devastated when I was diagnosed with severe DOR and floated the idea of donor embryos but my partner rightly said, at least one of us can be related via the donor egg route. From the child’s POV, at least they know half their genetic line.

OP, let the dust settle, then come back to this. It’s a highly emotional topic at the moment and some space is needed before big decisions.

I know my partner and I were in a similar situation, I know how OPs wife must be feeling. Its quute beyond the legality of things.

I think you need to give your wife space and time to process this.

She's just found out she doesn't have eggs, she is infertile. That's a huge blow (you said early tests were positive) and she might have all sorts of feelings of failure, not being a real woman/proper mum and all that. This could also be feeding any existing insecurity she had about being 10 years older than you?

She will be frightened that you will have a baby with a man, you won't need her at all, she will be utterly redundant whilst you have a life with a child. This is so painful to her that she is actually telling you she would have to leave you rather than cope with it.

She needs to be able to express these fears, and you need to give her lots of reassurance and help her visualise the role she would play in a child's life if you conceived with a sperms donor; how much you would need her there.

Yes it is far beyond the legality, it’s about connection and identity and grieving something you have lost. Which is why I pointed out that it’s unlikely due to the concern of not having legal rights to the child. Because she will know that’s not the case.

Adoption isn't a simple answer. They would have a lifetime of attachment trauma to contend with. If you want to have a baby you will have to tell your wife that is what you want. Adopted or not, a baby needs a primary carer. They can't be shared just to validate each parent. This is true for straight and lesbian couples. If you carry the child, you would be the primary carer whilst it's a baby and that's just a fact. Babies don't know that they are there to validate the other parent, they just need to be around the person who carried them.

Where did you hear of these couples? Were they married or in a civil partnership? Tjese scenarios sound really far-fetched to me.

Please don't spread incorrect information. If OP is married to her partner, or in a civil partnership, her partner as the non bio mum would have automatic parental responsibility which would definitely be taken into account in divorce.

https://www.sharpfamilylaw.com/female-same-sex-partnerships-understanding-legal-parental-responsibility/

Is adopting a small baby going to be an option? Depending on where you can based, the preference is that it’s a realistic age gap between parent and child and by the time the process is in place and checks, your wife would be in late 40s which is less realistic. Failed IVF is so heartbreaking so sending you much care. It sounds like you’re both hurt and in a place where it is difficult to think objectively so I do think some space for you to discuss this together would be useful. Also, to remind yourselves that it’s a child involved - their needs would be paramount throughout an adoption process.

Is surrogacy an option? Would she be ok with donor eggs?

What is the source of your disappointment with adoption? Is it the lack of pregnancy or the lack of genetic connection?

What people who have never had a child sometimes don't understand is that the love comes from caring for the child and raising it, not from the genetic link. If you had a child with a sperm donor, initially there might be some awkwardness as the baby will be very reliant on its birth mother, and your partner may feel pushed out, but by the time the child is 3 or 4, if not earlier, your DP will have her own unique and irreplaceable relationship with the little person. That little person won't know or care that mum No. 2 is not the "real mum". The little person will decide for herself or himself how they feel about the adults in their lives.

You become a parent by parenting. Not by conceiving, not by egg or sperm donation, and not by giving birth.

What a difficult situation.

Does your wife really understand that becoming a parent by birth and by adoption are completely different? It certainly doesn’t sound like it

Im sorry this is happening to you. Why don’t you try and agree to spend a period of time recovering and mourning from your attempt to share the pregnancy?

Both of you will need time to move on from the imagined potential baby before you can clearly plan next steps.
Making hasty decisions or promises now might end up causing more pain and upset in the future.

Also, keep in mind that while your partner might come first now, she won’t when you do finally have a child. Sending all my best to both of you. Good luck.

No, not married or CP.

I completely agree with @YourLoftyCyanZebra and I think that you were needlessly rude and dismissive of what they said, and the same for the other posters who have pointed out to you that based on your posts you and your partner are not suitable to be adopters. I think the fact that if anyone points this out to you, your response is "kindness if free" "compassion is free" further indicates that you don't have the emotional maturity to adopt.

My view, reading your posts, is that neither of you should consider adoption. I would also suggest you look into how many disruptions there have been, especially recently. I think that it is extremely likely, based on your posting that you would be part of those statistics. And I think that you really need to understand better why more than one poster has said this, and why, exactly why, your partner has reacted the way she has reacted.

It is likely that there are people who were adopted reading this who feel a deep fury at your posts. It would be good for you to try to understand why that might be too.

I don't think you would be able to parent as a couple at all, to be perfectly honest. And yes I do believe that I am being compassionate and kind saying this.

In relation to eggs there is a lot of information available about how to improve your egg situation, to do with diet, weight, supplements. Have you both looked into this and made recommended changes?

If you want to pursue this together or as singles, I do think you need to understand thoroughly more than one poster has given you advice to not adopt.

Sorry, have you been in this situation too? And do you know OPs wife?

From a fellow IVF mother here I can tell you now that you need to change clinics!
Do you have the finances to self fund? Is her AMH good and was it her first round? Most people take at least 3 rounds to get the stims correct for their body.