Wife now only wants adoption after failed shared motherhood IVF attempt as she wants to feel like the baby is also hers

[synn91]

Hi all,
I really need advice.
My wife and I (same sex couple) have recently tried to complete an IVF cycle - shared motherhood. She was donating her egg to me and I would carry the baby. Unfortunately this did not work and she had no eggs when the collection took place.
It was always offered that I would then try with our donor sperm. Since this has happened, my wife had said to me that the only way she would want a child with me is through adoption.
She said she would request a divorce if I became pregnant through IVF with our donor sperm as she wouldn't feel like the baby was hers too.
I've told her she comes first and if she wants to adopt we can do that but part of me feels really hurt and let down.
Am I wrong to feel like this? My head is a mess and I would really appreciate some impartial advice as family are kicking off about it and are telling me to go ahead with the treatment. Thanks in advance.

I disagree. Objectively I think I’d feel better with a strangers child that we’d both adopted over my partners child that I had no link to. I can understand the logic of her egg and you carrying; and it seems your egg and her carrying isn’t possible, so I can see why she now feels adoption is the best step for her.

There’s a big difference between choosing a donor you think you’ll never have to use; and actually using one to conceive a child that you won’t have any genetic link to.

From your perspective; I can also see why you’d prefer to push ahead with your eggs and have that biological connection… so it’s not easy and I don’t think there’s a compromise that works if I’m honest. It’s a huge thing for either of you to give up.

I'm so sorry for the shit situation you're both in. As someone who did a lot of IVF, explored adoption and eventually had a baby through IVF, other people's opinions can be so hurtful.

What I would say is that adoption is a completely different prospect to embryo adoption or donor eggs. And a different proposition to people of our generation who were adopted back when people progressed with unwanted pregnancies and gave children up for adoption. Now any adopted child will be a child from trauma. That's not less than but it's totally different, not just having a baby by a different route.

Honestly I think this isn’t how babies are made really. This situation is all about you two and what you want rather than the future baby’s best interests. The only thing I can think this would compare to really would be the father being jealous of the mother carrying the child and people would say that was a huge red flag for future issues and abuse tbh.

This scenario wouldn’t happen, so it would be an odd concern.

I'm sorry you're in this position. We did reciprocal IVF, so I do understand the benefits.

You should be furious with the clinic - to let someone at 45 think they had anything but the tiniest chance of success is inhumane and unethical. Depending on how they communicated with you about the tiny chance of success, it might be worth a complaint to HFEA.

In the meantime, she's experiencing a hormone crash (from drugs she should never have been on) and her loss of her dream. I would park the conversation for a week or two, and she might be more reasonable.

@synn91

Hi, I am not a lesbian and I cannot advise what to do.

I just wanted to share my own experiences.

When my first child born I had been married three years (with my partner six). I was nearly 40 and desperate for a family. We had a small amount of fertility treatment.

After that we trued fir abother abd had a miscarriage abd then had several years IVF with donnor eggs.

I am sure you know the age of the egg provider is key, we had three rounds of unsuccessful donnor egg treatment.

After that we waited six months and went for adoption. Our son joined us aged three about six months later.

Complex situation OP and I feel for you both.
I can appreciate your wife's POV. In her shoes, this might make me feel like I was an outsider. Complex emotions all around.
The difficulty is that if your wife is totally against you bearing a child with a sperm donor, it can't happen.
In these circumstances, adoption is the best way forward but you are likely to feel resentment.
I wish you both the best

In that scenario presumably they were using the wife's egg as well as the husbands sperm, here there was always going to be sperm donation. The woman here is happy to not use her wife's egg but won't let her carry a baby unless it was her egg that was used. It just doesn't seem to be child centred and more 'if I can't put my genes in a baby then you can't either'.

Either way, if you're happy with adoption in either scenario then you're happy with strangers egg/sperm, so why wouldn't you be happy with your child actually being related to the person you love? You'll still legally be the parent the same way if you both adopt.

I hope the clinic, taking your money for egg retrieval from a 45 year old woman, we're very honest about your chances. I am also confused as to the pressure they are exerting over you niw? What are they needing you to do?

She does realise that adoption is no walk in the park doesnt she?

Assuming you are in the UK - the process is very intrusive and very drawn out. The kids (even the babies) come with an awful lot of baggage and trauma. Your relationship needs to be rock solid to get through it all.

We adopted 2 girls 24 years ago - ages 10 to 21 were really, really hard. It almost broke us as a couple. Eldest has terrible attachment disorder - she moved out at 17 and we rarely see her as she has contact with her birth family and has sadly fallen into a routine she was removed from.

Youngest has had huge issues with drugs (nature rather than nurture there).

Adoption isnt for the fainthearted.

Clearly she disagrees

Of course it wouldnt, but being the non-biological parent it may have crossed her mind, which would be a contributing factor of why she has decided she would now like to adopt instead

What @Mistachio said is harsh. I wouldnt have said it myself but its not abusive.

Strangely she agrees as long as the OP isn't biologically related to the child. She's fine with an adopted child.

New technologies brings up all these options and not always for the best. In the past one woman using a sperm donor is the type of arrangement that lesbians would use if they wanted to raise a child together. Some supposedly still do this as it’s simpler with presumably fewer potential issues.

What about the child though, I as a child l would want one biological parent!

Essentially you’re in the same situation as a straight woman with an infertile or not interested in kids partner. Which is you need make a decision as to which is more important to you: to have your own kid or this particular partner.

Both choices are valid.

I understand the logic that a child of yours would theoretically feel more like “hers” than an adoptive child.

But I guess in a female couple there may be an issue of jealousy for her if the baby was yours but not hers and she can’t have one. Which can’t be remedied at this stage by one baby each. Potentially like watching a sister have a baby you couldn’t.

I am married to a woman. We’re trying to conceive. I always imagined that I’d be the pregnant one, firstly because she’s my first same sex relationship and secondly because we’d initially agreed I would carry. My DW is a few years younger than me and her BMI is in the range for treatment, mine isn’t. So it will be her carrying and it’s been an adjustment for me. I’m still not completely ok with that. So I have sympathy for your wife. It means you’re the ‘other mum’.

I don’t blame your wife for having those boundaries. It’s now up to you if you are ok with that or not

If being a mother is important to you, i think you need to try the IVF.
Adopting is very rarely a situation of getting a healthy, newborn baby. Thats the hens teeth scenario and the child everybody wants.
It is typically a child who was removed from bio parents and deemed unable to ever go back due to some form of neglect and abuse, and they can have really challenging behaviour. Some will have fetal alcohol syndrome or have been born an addict thanks to a mother who didn't stop using during pregnancy, and can have lifelong impact from that.
My cousin and his wife were never able to have a second baby, got approved to foster with intent to adopt, and got placed with a 5 year old girl. They lasted 9 months of fostering and gave her back as they couldn't cope with the severe behaviour and anger/physical violence issues that stemmed from the trauma that put her in the system in the first place.

And all that is assuming that as a couple you even qualify, the criteria is pretty strict, especially depending what your wifes health condition is. (Heart disease i believe is often a no) They rightly prioritise the childs needs, rather than the adopting parents wants, and not everyone or the partnership they're in, is determined suitable to adopt.

I'm very sorry shared motherhood has not been viable for you, but your wifes rash reaction could end up costing both of you the chance of motherhood. Love doesn't need biological relation, she'd be a true mum just being there and comitted from conception, genetic link or not.

I'm an adoptive parent and we went through a lot of hoops to get there. I lost my fertility through cancer. They are quite strict about fertility and if one of you is fertile and have not tried to conceive they are likely to say no. So you will need to soul search a lot. But getting advice once the dust settles is what you may need to do so you can make informed choices.
We got DD at 17 months and she has not been easy (now nearly 17). She has multiple NDs and unfortunately her birth mother managed to find her via SM and has caused many many issues. We love her to bits, but she and her past has tested every inch of our beings.

And I have grown up with friends and family who are adopted. They handle things differently these days and the system is not ready to handle the complexities of SM. I'd not recommend it unless it was the very last option. You have to be ready for parenting X 100.

I do understand your wife's thoughts, and your thoughts.

When our treatment first failed i would easily have thrown my partner under the bus for a baby! Hormones did a lot of wrecking!

But now, married 25 years, with our children aged 16 and 21, I would not alter how things worked out abd are so pleased I stuck with my husband!

Please get some counselling together, and alone. Find a way forward.

I would not change either of my kids but in terms of a baby, or a child, if you both want a healthy baby or toddler, a baby with known genetics of mother and donor father is a much safer 'bet' than a baby or child adopted, from the care system.

None of this seems like a great situation for any potential baby.

Legally she has the same rights as the bio parent and she will know that being a lesbian going through IVF

It's a shame that shared motherhood was the only way you would consider it, given that the delay has likely caused her fertility to drop beyond the point of feasibility. You could have used donor sperm 5 years ago. I think she's been really quite selfish actually.

Easy as that!?