Wife now only wants adoption after failed shared motherhood IVF attempt as she wants to feel like the baby is also hers

[synn91]

Hi all,
I really need advice.
My wife and I (same sex couple) have recently tried to complete an IVF cycle - shared motherhood. She was donating her egg to me and I would carry the baby. Unfortunately this did not work and she had no eggs when the collection took place.
It was always offered that I would then try with our donor sperm. Since this has happened, my wife had said to me that the only way she would want a child with me is through adoption.
She said she would request a divorce if I became pregnant through IVF with our donor sperm as she wouldn't feel like the baby was hers too.
I've told her she comes first and if she wants to adopt we can do that but part of me feels really hurt and let down.
Am I wrong to feel like this? My head is a mess and I would really appreciate some impartial advice as family are kicking off about it and are telling me to go ahead with the treatment. Thanks in advance.

Everyone we know who's been through IVF have been successful with shared motherhood. The only couple who didn't do it that way got a divorce. Not promising.

It sounds like the threat that you might is there though? You really need to give yourselves more time to grieve and process the change of plans before making any decisions.

I'd be willing to bet there is compromise to be found here, you're both just not in the right place to find it.

It's a really emotional time for you both, and it's so easy to get gridlocked in these situations focus on each other for now and come back to the decisions re next steps in a a month or two.

Parked - as in left to rest and not discussed much or at least not with a decision in mind while you both mull things over and think about things
Easter - as that is around 6 months away.

Whatever you do or don't do next is a big decision, and in the hormonal and emotional turmoil of right now is not the time to take that decision.

This all sounds so sad op. Your wife has been told she'll never have a biological child and she's grieving. It sounds like a bit of a knee jerk reaction to say "well if I can't have it you can't have it either". Maybe her views will change a bit or she'll be more open to talking when the dust settles?

We have adoption in our family, dh's dad is a step-dad, biology doesn't matter so much to us because we have the best people in our family without blood connections. But not everyone sees it that way.

I hope you find a way through together.

I would never do that, not sure how it sounds like I would but the love and respect for my wife and my integrity as a human being would stop me from going behind her back.

I hope we can find compromise.

That's sound advice, thank you so much x

This

I doubt she cares that much about having kids if shes waited age 35-45 before trying and given up straight away.
Seems a bit much for a baby to have sperm donor mum and effectively surrogate

I think it’s quite a nasty thing she’s done. As she was happy for you to have no biological connection to the baby and has only mentioned this now theres no egg. I think it’s quite an important thing to mention in an IVF journey.

that she also jumped to a nuclear option rather than a proper discussion is such a combative way to go.

the reality is as a same sex relationship biology takes a backseat to any procreation joirmey. So her willingness to deal in absolutes is also weird. She’s 45. Her biological chances always pretty low which the Dr should’ve been much clearer about

Does you understand it’s likely to be a baby with donor sperm and your egg, or no baby at all?

Adoption is not some easy replacement for a biological child. It’s unlikely that even if approved to adopt a newborn baby will be placed with you. You may have an older child with significant needs. If this is what you are up for then of course that’s all well and great, but it is completely different to your own biological child.

I would give her time for the bad news to settle OP and have a serious discussion in a few months time. If she has not changed her mind you need to decide what you want her to do - a relationship with her but no child, or the possibility of a child but no relationship with her.

@synn91 I don’t think you’re wrong to feel hurt. What you’ve both been through is huge, physically, emotionally, and symbolically, and it’s all still very raw. When someone’s hopes for shared motherhood collapse in such a sudden way, people can react from a place of grief rather than clarity. Your wife has lost the path she thought would make her feel fully connected to a child, and she’s panicking. But threatening divorce if you became pregnant isn’t a fair or stable foundation for making decisions together. That’s not a boundary, that’s distress talking.

Before either of you make any big decisions, it’s worth letting things settle. You’ve been together ten years and describe yourselves as rock solid. That deserves space, not ultimatums. When the shock and grief ease, you may both be able to talk about what family could look like in a way that honours both of you,whether that’s adoption, IVF, or something else.

But right now, you’re allowed to feel hurt. She’s grieving her loss of shared motherhood, but you’re grieving the sudden loss of yours too only its her and not nature that has blocked your chance and she needs to appreciate that..

I'm really sorry. It is really difficult. I think you need to step away from your family. Its difficult because they become invested but it's none of their business and complicates things for you. In any other situation with trying they wouldn't have any input, ivf feels different because of the process.

I did three rounds of IVF and ended up with one viable egg and the transfer failed. It was very difficult as it feels like your body has let you down. I think 2 weeks after the process of attempted retrieval her hormones are still likely to be all over the place.

I definitely think you need to step away and not rush into a decision. It's very hard as I feel like at this point you're both dealing with complicated feelings and also feeling desperate and panicking. Take a few months for things to settle and discuss it between you and cut out the outside noise.

I hope you manage to sort things out and come to an agreement.

Bit much? Lol okay. We waited this long as neither of us had the money to go through IVF.

Using your eggs with sperm doner is the safest way for you to have a baby.

It's a terrible ultimation to put to you. No other advice. Take care 💐

Two weeks ago, your wife, following having to had to inject a shitload of hormones, went through an operation and then had to deal with the devastating news there were no eggs, there will never be any eggs. Why are your family kicking off and telling you to just go ahead and try to get pregnant now? And why should being a counsellor mean that she shouldn't insist that her spouse trying to get pregnant without her consent is a marriage-ending decision?

How old were they? 45 is quite old to be trying to harvest eggs. You should have been told it was unlikely to work.

You said blood doesn’t matter so why not go down the adoption route, what’s stopping you if you see no difference? I think though given emotions are high it’s best to take a break from all this so clear heads can hopefully prevail.

I’m sorry this is happening, OP.

My cousin made this work with her wife. One of them carried the baby AND is the genetic mum… I don’t even remember which of them it was, it matters so little. The child has been brought up in total harmony and neither mum is the main mum, iyswim.

Child is now about nine years old 😍

I hope you can resolve this

Its really not a laughing matter is it?

She’s bloody selfish . She wants to be the biological mum so that if anything happens she’ll have the child. That’s why she won’t let be the biological mum and have the baby. She wants the control. Don’t have kids. She’s too old sadly.

Who's laughing? I gave genuine advice that I don't think this couple are in a position to have a child and was accused of abuse.

45 was unlikely to ever have success - did your clinic not share results for that age group? It would be in single figures as a percentage of cycles undertaken.

your eggs at least have a chance. Is there definitely no way she could carry?

edited for spelling

I wouldn’t want a child with someone who is happy for them to be the biological parent and not me, but refuses for me to be the biological parent.

It's not abuse. It's badly worded as it sounds harsh but there's some sense in there. You're both in a very emotional place where there's no great solution. It needs a lot of thought and discussion before you go any further, and of course the clock's ticking which isn't helping 💐

This is a complicated one, and your wife will clearly be reacting to the failed cycle - 2 weeks is very raw

I went through 3 egg retrieval cycles including the first one a failure, & couples I know have had min 2 ivf cycles to get to a baby, so ‘failure’ is the norm not the exception

That said: you need to think of your OWN future. In your shoes I would be making some embryos with your donor sperm & then making a decision about whether or not to carry them

I chose not to, and only froze eggs, by the time I met a suitable partner I was too old (late 40s) & he was too. Early 40s would have been different

everyone has their own lines & if you don’t want to adopt you don’t have to

Personally, I think your wife is being selfish/sour grapes if this is her view long term (not now, she is grieving!). This may however be the start of a wedge in your relationship which only time will reveal

You need to think about what you want and at 35 you don’t have lots of time to play with

You could have a chat with a family solicitor to discuss options and how to secure parental rights for your wife if you did IVF , she might feel more comfortable knowing there's a plan to secure her as an equal parent with rights etc..
You could also look into adoption without any commitment, I believe agencies even run information events for that purpose because adoption involves so much that people don't realise.

Nobody else's opinion matters, you have to be a solid team though in what you want, especially going into adoption.

Don’t make any decisions just yet. Give it some months and then maybe go and talk to a psychologist who specialises in ivf and same sex relationships.

but id be wary of agreeing to anything especially adoption right now. Any decision you make under this stress as well as an ultimatum will not be neutral or weighed up properly.

Making any decision under threat of an ultimatum is tainted. You will always question it.