Wife now only wants adoption after failed shared motherhood IVF attempt as she wants to feel like the baby is also hers

[synn91]

Hi all,
I really need advice.
My wife and I (same sex couple) have recently tried to complete an IVF cycle - shared motherhood. She was donating her egg to me and I would carry the baby. Unfortunately this did not work and she had no eggs when the collection took place.
It was always offered that I would then try with our donor sperm. Since this has happened, my wife had said to me that the only way she would want a child with me is through adoption.
She said she would request a divorce if I became pregnant through IVF with our donor sperm as she wouldn't feel like the baby was hers too.
I've told her she comes first and if she wants to adopt we can do that but part of me feels really hurt and let down.
Am I wrong to feel like this? My head is a mess and I would really appreciate some impartial advice as family are kicking off about it and are telling me to go ahead with the treatment. Thanks in advance.

Thank you. I suggested using donor eggs and we had already chosen our sperm donor together so I don't see why that situation would be a problem for her x

Or as others suggest embryo adoption ?

My wife and I did this, used my egg, she carried.

I wasn't super attached to the idea of having a genetic link and before we started the process would have been ok with of using my wife's egg, her carrying.

However, going through the egg retrieval process and getting no eggs would have been devastating and I definitely would have needed some time to process before changing plans.

If my wife had suggested she would just go ahead without my agreement, that would have been a huge betrayal and I would have been talking about divorce. That's not a decision you make alone when you're married.

If you're suggesting that you might do that, you're already making her feel that she doesn't count as much as you do, and probably playing into her fears about not being seen as an equal mother. What other decisions about the baby are you/ your family going to make without her agreement?

Even if she is a counsellor, she is not able to treat herself. You two need professional couples counselling asap to work through this.

Really? By that logic lesbians who are the non bio mother (plenty don't do reciprocal IVF, after all, which had been shown to be more dangerous) are only stepmums, not 'real'. I don't think that's true.

I can see why she's upset but I think this is unfair for OP.

But in terms of genetics, the child can only ever 'belong' to one of them. If OP's wife had been able to carry a baby conceived of OP's egg, that wouldn't change its genetic heritage although I understand it would be an immensely bonding experience during the pregnancy.

Exactly this, but I feel like a stranger's child would be less hers than the biological baby of the woman she loves and married with a donor chosen by us both? This is what I'm struggling with 💔

I would never ever have chosen a partner over the chance to have a baby.
Being pregnant, giving birth, holding that tiny baby is the most amazing thing a woman’s body can do -to give life to another human being.
The whole shift of priorities and emotions -I can’t put it into words apart from to say I had to fight hard to get a baby and its left me with health issues but I wouldn’t have given that up for anybody or anything.

It's only been 2 weeks. I know this has been tough for you too but I think you need to give her more time and try not to panic. She's essentially grieving.

Being carried by OP's partner would affect it epigenetically also.

Thank you for your reply.

I am absolutely not going to do that, nor would I ever. The decisions we make are made as a couple. I just can't get my head around how she feels. We're talking but nothing is making sense.

This has disaster written all over it, imho.

But - it could just be a kneeejerk reaction, as mentioned above. But threatening to leave, I dunno, that strikes me as more than heartbreak at the ivf.

How long do you have to decide this? Can you cool it for a month or so?

Best of luck to you both x

Adoption isnt "an alternative way of getting a baby".
Youre likely to have a child with at least some level of additonal needs, and potentially a high level of additional needs which arent always initially apparent.
That is great if its what you are looking for in life, parenting children with complex needs is extremely rewarding, but be sure that you are prepared for that if its the route you are deciding on.

Hi, OP. I'm also lesbian and we want children. We are both 42. Haven't started IVF yet, but we have friends and know other couples who experienced this. I get both your point of view and your partners. It's already hard enough being in a lesbian relarionship when it comes to society aknowledging the relationship in itself but when it comes to having children it can be even harder to deal with this. Some lesbians I know want to either have a biological bond with their children (like your partner) or to addopt and be in an equal position. I think this is especially comprehensible when both would very much like to carry the baby and one can't. In your shoes I'd addopt.

Hi, thank you so much xx

Thank you

Thank you. The clinic are pressuring us to make a decision quickly but we have said we need to leave it for a couple of months. Time is not on our side so we need to make a decision soon.

Lol, okay, someone else agrees with you, no need to make it a thing. It's not about being right. It's about advice and being compassionate.

I think the whole thing needs to be parked until Easter next year.

I’m sorry you’re both going through this. In my experience, emotions run incredibly high around IVF and infertility. You’re both in the early days of processing that your plan to carry your partner’s genetic baby hasn’t worked. That’s really rubbish for both of you, and there will be lots of complex feelings that can be difficult to articulate and process.

I wouldn’t rule out your partner coming round to the idea of you using your eggs. Do you have any friends or acquaintances who have had a baby this way? It can help to see the reality of other family’s day to day lives when it feels so abstract for you before you have DC.

For what it’s worth, I know a fair few people bringing up babies and older children that they aren’t genetically related to but their partner is, and the reality of it has invariably been positive for them. When you’re faced with that tiny baby, you do just largely get on with loving them, playing with them, soothing them etc.

Says the woman who called advice she didn't want to hear abuse.

Parked? Why Easter?

Could you use a donor egg and you still carry.

It wasn't advice, thanks

I know a couple where one had ivf and carried the baby and the other chose the donor. Might this be an option?

How long is it since you found this information out?

She may be stinging with the knowledge that she can't ever have a baby and because she can't have that, she doesn't want that for you either.

It sounds like your love for her may be unconditional - but I'm not sure hers is for you.

It's for you to decide what level of pain you can tolerate but it sounds as though you may be giving more to this relationship than she is.

I hope you find a way through. Even if she's a therapist, it sounds like she could really do with talking this through with someone and with you, in couples therapy and alone.

It's a lot to take on board.