Wife now only wants adoption after failed shared motherhood IVF attempt as she wants to feel like the baby is also hers

[synn91]

Hi all,
I really need advice.
My wife and I (same sex couple) have recently tried to complete an IVF cycle - shared motherhood. She was donating her egg to me and I would carry the baby. Unfortunately this did not work and she had no eggs when the collection took place.
It was always offered that I would then try with our donor sperm. Since this has happened, my wife had said to me that the only way she would want a child with me is through adoption.
She said she would request a divorce if I became pregnant through IVF with our donor sperm as she wouldn't feel like the baby was hers too.
I've told her she comes first and if she wants to adopt we can do that but part of me feels really hurt and let down.
Am I wrong to feel like this? My head is a mess and I would really appreciate some impartial advice as family are kicking off about it and are telling me to go ahead with the treatment. Thanks in advance.

Sorry I tried to go through all the comments so I'm sure it's been mentioned but have you looked at mitochondrial donation treatment? The baby would have dna of both you and your wife

I have a lot of experience of adoption, I won't stop advocating for those children and familes, I understand you're hurting Immensely but I am not even being combative to you. Please don't shut out my voice. You have assumed im against you adopting, im not bit you both need to realise that however crap its been, adoption is not the right of the childless. I am a person that you don't know, yet you've judged me. Do better.

OP, I'm sorry that your ivf failed. It's such a gruelling process and the emotional side of it failing is horrendous. I think you should get this post moved across to the infertility threads or adoption. Some posters on here are seriously lacking in emotional IQ, and will be harmful to you at this delicate time.

What kind of percentages were they quoting to you when it came to likelihood of pregnancy using her eggs?

I understand both sides but if a baby is wanted for both of you id of thought that you having IVF would be a definite.
This is an emotional one some serious feelings to be aired out just dont let family get involved its between the two of you not your family.
I dont know counselling .. maybe don't have kids life plan change it depends how much you both really want a child x

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

But to echo the posters who said I can't believe they took your money without being REALLY clear on the statistics of 45yo eggs producing live births.

I was counselled I'd probably need donor eggs for the best chance at 38!

Best of luck, however you proceed.

I think this might be a reaction to a very emotional situation. Why don’t you try and relax for a couple of weeks, put a pin in your next steps and just see how you both feel when things have calmed down.

The baby that you want hasn't even been conceived yet, your fertility journey will and should be looked at. You want what you think will be a blank slate but that wont be the truth. Children and babies in care right now need more than you and your wife can offer right now. That's not to say that it will always be the case but right now your relationship is fragile for a very good reason . You both need time, and i know its not on your side....your clinic took your money and bullshitted you. I am not your enemy.

I was struck by two comments you made. First is that she always comes first (I'm wondering why you are discounting your own needs / wishes) and second is that you'd both do anything to be parents - well obviously she wouldn't if she's prepared to walk away if you get to use your own egg. I can understand that she is disappointed in her own IVF results, but if she truely loves you surely she would prefer to mother your baby than that of a stranger (through adoption). It is also medically safer for a woman to carry a baby from her own egg. I wonder if your wife may be worried that you would have more legal entitlement to the child than she would and she could be hurt / lose access to the baby in the future? Either way, you sound like a lovely lady and I really hope it works out for you both and you get an opportunity to have a baby together xx

difgi one, she just must have realised it would be a very long shot having a baby at 45. I thought you couldn’t have ivf in this country with your own eggs after 43 anyway. Did the clinic not advise, I am in a same sec couple. Though I have 3 biological children so I accept I am in a different situation, I have no genetic link to my new child. I love them ten same as my genetic children. I would not adopt in my mid 40s. It’s a tough route.

Agree with this, spot on. It's coming across as "well if I can't have a biological link to the baby then neither can you"...conversation needed.

I dont think either of you are "wrong".

But I do think its selfish for her to say either its genetically mine or neither of ours. Sounds like shes worried if youre bio mum and carrier that you two will have a bond shes excluded from.

But equally I would say you were going to be pregnant with her baby not yours. So although youd have carried the baby, genetically the baby wouldnt be yours so to you whats the difference between adoption and you essentially being a surrogate for your DP?

I know you think people are "abusing" you saying dont have a child. But kindly, atm they are offering reasonable advice.

I think you need to pause. I think you need to talk to her about why you carrying the baby is a problem unless its hers? I think you need to think about whether there is an issue about wanting to be pregnant or a family? Is the issue the ultimatum? Has this made you realise a biological child is important to you? If you had to choose do you want ivf or your relationship?

Id be thinking about and discussing those before having any baby

If I can’t have it, no one can.

OP, I understand why you have come here for impartial thoughts as your family are "kicking off" and confusing you. But this only happened a couple of weeks ago. You need to pause the conversation for a few more weeks. Sleep. Recover. Then discuss and reassess at the end of the summer. Your wife, who has no genetic children of her own, has undergone a procedure that has now told here she will never have genetic children of her own. That is her situation and only someone who has been in it can come close to understanding what a grieving process that is, after a huge hormonal disruption when she's probably already in perimenopause anyway. She may change her mind about you trying with a sperm donor. She may change her mind and say she doesn't want children at all. Give it a while to process, but no so long you rule out your own fertile possibilities. Give it a while, then talk, then decide what you really want to do for you. She has every right not to want you to introduce a child into your marriage without her consent. While she's recovering, you also take your time to think about what really, truly, is the most important thing for you no matter what her final decision is.

There is another choice. Remain childless. Many couples do and live fulfilled, and very useful, lives. Better that than mess about with the confused emotions of a child for the sake of satisfying a biological urge. A child is more than an accessory.

It may be that she just needs some time. You definitely should see a couple's counsellor about this. Do you have any other lesbian couple friends who have had a baby who you can talk to?

My wife was worried that she wouldn't feel like a 'real mum' to our baby, as I was both the gestational and biological mum. That changed the moment our baby was born- they have been besotted with each other for the last three and a half years (and she is currently the favourite mummy!).

You're welcome to PM me if you want to ask any more questions.

I'm sorry this happened to you both. 2 weeks is still really raw, so I wouldn't make any decisions now. IVF hormones are really strong and at 45 your wife was probably on a really high dose. Unfortunately the odds were very against her but having her hopes dashed is obviously devastating.

Did the clinic manage expectations adequately? The clinic I went to won't use own eggs after 43 because success is so unlikely at that point. Had you discussed what you would do if the treatment didn't work and what next steps would be?

Give it time before discussing in detail again. Parenthood isn't going to look like you first imagined but it is still possible. Once your wife works through her grief you can look at the possibilities.

Also to add re thinking about what YOU want

I only know one FF couple who have gone down this route, after approx 8 years together

Since having a child the younger of the pair (who is the egg donor & carried) has been v controlling about the child claiming it’s ‘hers’. My friend is the other woman in the couple: being married she has equal parental rights but it IS a battle & their romantic relationship has ended and become a co-parenting one with a lot of strain. This is no different to a lot of MF couples (& MM for all I know)

If your DW is still like this in a few months I might question her motives. A biological link to at least one of you would be healthy for the child & in a loving marriage should not be an issue. I’ve known couples have to use donor eggs/sperm & it’s not been a big issue

Tbh you may find that a donated embryo and you carrying is actually the best possibility of a pregnancy: it’s too soon to make decisions while all this is raw but once things settle down think about YOURSELF and what you want before it’s too late

You are more likely to find a loving partner as a solo parent than you are to become a parent once a couple more years have gone - you need to decide what is ultimately right for you and if it’s not adopting then that’s ok

Its all s bit fucked up , the threats of divorce if you get pregnant but it was perfectly ok the other way around

fsmily kicking off

If the IVF attempt was only 2 weeks ago(!) then I would give her a bit more time to come to terms with not being able to contribute her egg.

She might feel differently once the disappointment and shock has settled. She probably feels betrayed by her body.

Ok, maybe I misunderstood what you meant in your OP about your family saying you should go ahead with the treatment. I took that to mean doing an IVF round solo was something you were considering. Glad to hear you're not.

Remember it's the two of you against the problem, not each other.

I have a same sex couple friend. Her partner got pregnant with her brothers donated sperm so they would both have a genetic link

If this was a mixed sex couple I’m sure people would understand a man not wanting to jump into sperm donation if he’s just found out he couldn’t father a child.

This is comparable and I do understand both sides. Just something to work through I think as no one is right or wrong.

Does your dw have concerns that if the relationship btoke down in the future for whatever reason that she will have no legal right to the child, whereas if you were to go down the adoption route route this wouldnt be a problem?

family are kicking off

Why on earth do they think this is anything to do with them??

I appreciate they want to support you but this is none of their business and they need to be told firmly to butt out of any decision that is made.