Wife now only wants adoption after failed shared motherhood IVF attempt as she wants to feel like the baby is also hers

[synn91]

Hi all,
I really need advice.
My wife and I (same sex couple) have recently tried to complete an IVF cycle - shared motherhood. She was donating her egg to me and I would carry the baby. Unfortunately this did not work and she had no eggs when the collection took place.
It was always offered that I would then try with our donor sperm. Since this has happened, my wife had said to me that the only way she would want a child with me is through adoption.
She said she would request a divorce if I became pregnant through IVF with our donor sperm as she wouldn't feel like the baby was hers too.
I've told her she comes first and if she wants to adopt we can do that but part of me feels really hurt and let down.
Am I wrong to feel like this? My head is a mess and I would really appreciate some impartial advice as family are kicking off about it and are telling me to go ahead with the treatment. Thanks in advance.

Im agreeing with you, OP has lol all over her replies.

But ‘the biological baby of the woman she loves and married with a donor’ would feel more your baby than hers (to her) where as an adopted baby is equally both of yours in the same way. I did think that she doesn’t share your sentiments with family is about love not blood but that wouldn’t line up with adoption. So I think there’s a possibility it’s about vulnerability or control.

This is way overcomplicated. If you both wanted a child it should have been a priority years ago. The fact that your DW has very specific stipulations around the egg is the issue. You could have done IUI five years ago and saved money on IVF and had multiple children by now. I would advise you to very quickly figure out what YOU want to do. Time is going fast and you need to think about what you want your future to look like: would you be okay never having children because your wife has specific needs for how that child will come about?

Also, change clinics. I am shocked that they didn't manage expectations around the egg retrieval at her age and that they are pressuring you now. What was your wifes AMH in the weeks leading to her IVF treatment?

You are both being nasty with your comments. It isn't advice when you're being judgemental.

I don’t think you understand how parental responsibility actuay works.

I feel the need to reiterate: 2 weeks ago this woman, having completely messed about her hormonal system with weeks of injections, went under a general anaesthetic, had an invasive procedure, and woke up to find out, there are no eggs, there will never be any eggs. Give her a break! What she says now might not be what she feels in a few months' time.

Adoption and fostering is not for everyone. It will be a disaster until OP and her wife reconcile their fertility. Kids and babies in care are not society's last chance saloon. Adoption failure is horrid for all parties and should not be done on a whim.

There's nothing judgemental in saying a relationship under the kind of pressure that brings ultimatum and threats is not one to bring a child into.

It seems to came here to find people to tell you she should bend to your wishes, again not a place to have a child.

We have a lot of people in our family who were adopted. It isn't something we are "doing on a whim".

I think the clinic, to whom you gave lots of money, were grossly unfair not to prepare you for this possibility, as sadly at her age it is a plausible outcome. I don't suppose she has any male relatives that would be happy to donate sperm, to give a biological link to her?

My friend felt like this. She didn’t want a donor egg as there would be a genetic link to her husband and not to her. I understand her views and so did her husband. They went on to adopt and are all very happy together.

I don't want her to bend to my wishes. Can you stop posting on here please as your input is not helping. Thanks.

Would you and her be open to adopting a child, or only a baby?

We would prefer a baby or a child under 18 months

The clinic seem unethical to take a 45yo woman's money when the chance of success was so slim.

They have the best success rate in the area

She’s a dog in a manger

Yes, you just want to hear what you want to hear. Good luck.

Sorry?

Why?

But a good success rate at 45 is still only 3%

Because we would. None of your business. Please stop posting on here, thanks.

The adoption board is lovely OP if you do ever need to pop in.

I thought the person who gave birth was automatically the mother? Obviously if it was the partners egg then she would also legally be the other parent.

But I do agree that she was happy as long as it was her egg, her genetics.

My ex adopted my child from a previous relationship. He obviously had nothing to do with planning the birth or the conception, but it has not made one bit of difference to their relationship. That's her Dad. She's treated no differently than any of our other children and never has been.

I can only imagine how upsetting this has been for both of you, but I hope it's just a case of how she's feeling right now and needs a bit of time, because I'm not sure how much I could trust someone with an adopted child if they weren't willing to accept a baby that was biologically their wife's.

Maybe when you’ve both had time to digest the news from the egg retrieval and effectively grieve the baby you had planned your wife might feel differently about you carrying with your own egg if adoption doesn’t work out.

Theres no upper age limit on adoption but afaik they are (in some areas at least) less likely place younger children with older parents. I think if you search on here there’s some threads as I’ve read about it a few times. But do it in your own time and at your own pace, there’s no rush to get everything immediately planned and sorted now.