I am going to cancel my holiday - friends think I am silly.

[Willowcosmos]

I had the most wonderful friend since schooldays sadly she died suddenly. I saw her every week and I will miss her so much. Her elderly father has arranged the funeral - he did it in a rush without consulting her siblings and friends. It is right in the middle of the week I am on a solo coach trip to Portugal
I have made the decision to go to the funeral- I can’t bear the thought of not being there and I just wouldn’t enjoy the trip.
My other friends think I am crazy - they say I will lose all my money as insurance won’t cover it ( about £800) and that my friend would want me to go and that it’s just for a few hours and what’s the point …but I know it’s what I really want - I am not religious - I know my friend won’t know but just deep down - I want to be there -
I guess what most people will think but would anyone do the same.

You don’t need permission, OP. I’m sorry for your loss. I had tickets for one of the big finals at the Paris Olympics but passed mine on so that I could attend (online, as I was already in Paris) the funeral of a colleague who’d died very suddenly.

I am very sorry for your loss. If it were my best friend, I would do exactly the same as you, even though I know she'd be cross with me. I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself knowing I was in the 'wrong' place. Do what's right for you

Awwww, really sorry to hear this. You can book another holiday next year. Do what you feel is right. Xx

On the one hand she won't know any different but if you were her, would you want your friend to still go on the trip? Probably and life has to go on.
However if you will forever regret not going to the funeral then you won't enjoy the holiday and you have to do what's right for you. Yes it's a lot of money and a trip to lose just for a couple of hours but it is only money. But she won't be aware that you weren't there. If you were a good friend to her whilst she was alive then that's what counts. You can keep her in your memory wherever you are.
The alternative is to go on holiday as planned and then visit where she's been laid to rest/cremated at a later date and do something in memory of her later.
I'm sorry you've lost your dear friend. Some people would love to have one dear friend in their lives and you seem like you were one to her.❤️

What does it matter what anyone else thinks? Your friend, your money, your holiday, your choice. The end.

Personally if it were me I’d go on my holiday, but I don’t have any attachment to funerals (I don’t have a religion and my own family doesn’t hold funerals at all) so the funeral itself wouldn’t mean much to me and I’d have other ways of mourning / remembering my friend in private which for would be more meaningful. But that’s neither here nor there because you’re not me and you obviously feel totally differently.

Do what feels right for you and ignore people who think they know better than you what’s best for you. They don’t know better. You do.

I'm sorry for your loss. I perfectly understand your dilemma, but I think you've already made up your mind to forego your holiday. Some friendships are too special, be the friend alive or dead, to let anything else stand in your way.

I'm Irish so maybe there's a cultural element to it but I can't think of anyone who would go on holidays in these circumstances - or who wouldn't think pretty poorly of you for not prioritising your friends funeral. 800 in the grand scheme of things is really not that much money. I think your instincts are exactly right OP

il’m not someone who would necessarily attend funerals but when my sister died, it was nice to see the range of people who came to the funeral. I think with someone you’ve been so close to, you won’t regret going.

Thank you everyone - you are right - I think I have already made my mind up - I can always go to Portugal again- but I will never be able to say my goodbye again - I feel it’s the last thing I can do for her.

You need to do what's right for you. I know what's right for me, but that's me.

I didn't hold a funeral for my dad. We were very very close and a funeral wouldn't have resolved any of my grief. The memories, the values, the conversations - these I hold on to, and I send a thought his way when I'm doing something he would have has an opinion on. A ceremony wasn't somewhere I would find him.

But that's me. Not you. And you do what's right for you x

I was just coming in to say exactly this.
100% you should cancel. I could not imagine going on holiday in this scenario.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

it doesn’t matter what your other friends think - it’s how you think and feel. FWIW I would do the same as you in the circumstances.

Before you fully cancel contact the company and explain - they may be able to offer a credit against a future trip with them.

You are the only person who can answer that question, as to how you would feel if you did or didn't go.

One thing I would say though, could you perhaps offer to help her dad, or her siblings? I've been to too many funerals now where the celebrant/vicar sits down with family, gets a few highlights of that person's life and creates a eulogy based on a person they know nothing about, it can be quite sad as someone who knows them well to listen to their life boiled down to a long monologue of where they went to school, what they did for work etc, most of which can be largely irrelevant to what made that person special (and sometimes incorrect), just for the sake of filling a 35 minute time slot.

The nicest ones I've been to, where they really capture the spirit of the person, are the ones where family and friends have all had some personal input into the order of service, by way of poems, readings, music and stories etc, also, nice pictures as a visual tribute, which her dad may not have access to.

He may need some help but not want to ask for it.

When my dad lost his sister (the woman who basically raised him) the funeral was when he was on holiday. He made the decision to stay on the holiday and went and sat by the sea at the time of the funeral to say his goodbyes. His nephew (her son) understood this and was ok with it.
You have to do what you feel is right OP. Don't listen to others. Sorry for your loss.

With love I think you are too - my best friend would want me to take a pause at a sad time - and raise a glass to her somewhere lovely. I would go, I would want my friends to go in same circs.

I am so sorry OP.
What a shock.
This happened to me 6 years ago and I can honestly say it really knocked the stuffing out of me. So shocking.
6 years later and there are still days I find it hard to believe.

I can well imagine you want to be there with those that loved her.

Mind yourself, it will take a good while to accept it is real.

I would do the same OP - I'm very sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your loss OP 😔💐

It’s entirely your decision. Only you can make it. There’s no right or wrong.

If I were the deceased, I’d probably want my friends to get out and travel the world and don’t miss any opportunity. But as a living person, I think I would want to attend the funeral of a best friend. I know in my heart if I were to be on a holiday and back home the funeral of my best friend was taking place I’d be in bits.

And I’m not religious. I’m an atheist. I don’t think missing a funeral is disrespectful. People have to do what they need to do. We all grieve and remember the deceased in entirely different ways. So please don’t feel guilty about doing one thing or the other. You wouldn’t be silly for cancelling. Money always comes back.

❤️

(edited for typos)

This ^

I totally understand your thought process and I would do the same. Its not crazy. Its the final act of love and respect you want to pay. You need to do this.

I'm so sorry for your loss

My best friend from childhoods friend died unexpectedly earlier this year. I love about 300 miles away. I was supposed to be on a 4 day break with my DH when I discovered the funeral date. I made the decision to miss the break with DH and drive down to be with my best friend as I had fond memories of her Mum being very kind to me when I was a child and I wanted to support my friend who I knew was devastated as she had a trip planned to see her Mum 2 weeks after she died unexpectedly of a massive heart attack with no warning. I can go on a 4 day break with DH another time. My friend and her sister were both glad I went to funeral. I knew I had to be there. You feel you have to be at funeral of your dear friend. You can go to Portugal another time but have only this 1 chance to be at your friends funeral.

Her Mum died not friend.

Edited!!

did not see your previous post

I would go to the funeral. I also wouldn't judge anyone who made a different choice but for such a close friend, I would want to be there.

It will also be a chance for you to connect with her family, friends, and colleagues who cared about her —those who share your grief. That's important.

Absolutely i’d do the same thing. I lost a close friend 1.5yrs ago, still struggling with the loss. She chose to not have a funeral and that was hard, though we did have a gathering when we scattered her ashes.