Would you lend money to family for private surgery costs?

[BarefootOnSand]

A relative has been told she needs an operation. It’s nothing life threatening but she is having some symptoms including pain and has been told she will probably need to wait about 10 months, possibly longer, for the op.

She has seen a specialist privately who agrees she needs the operation and it could be done in 3-4 weeks.

She has approached my partner to ask if we could lend her the money. My partner said no but she has asked him to think about it, talk to me and has suggested an amount she could pay back each month. Based on the estimated amount for the op and the amount she can pay back, it would take almost 5 years for us to get the money back. There is also the possibility of it costing more if there are any complications. We can afford it but don’t like lending money to anyone. The last time we lent money to another family member, we only got about half of it back and that was much later than agreed.

What would you do? It’s hard to say no because she is family and we can see she is suffering with symptoms but we also don’t want to lend money. We don’t know if we will get it back and are worried about her needing more. We could say all our money is tied up and we have kids at university which cost a lot so we have reasons we could give. We don’t want things to be awkward but I think they will be now if we say no. We don’t think she would get a loan due to financial issues in the past but she has been stable more recently so maybe she would and we should suggest trying to get one.

My partner is seeing her at the weekend and I’m sure she’ll ask again so we need to decide.

Perhaps you can offer to part-pay some if she takes out one of the hospital's payment plans. But I'd only give as much as you feel you can afford or want to give as an outright gift in that case. I don't think anyone would hold it against either you or your DH if you didn't offer her anything. While she may be in pain, 10 months (especially if she makes it known she's happy to go on the waiting list for cancellations at short notice) isn't never.

OP said he died 8 years ago

Ds21 came t be a couple of days ago, to say he had a moral dilemma. His friend has had to contribute to his nans funeral and he only had £100 to last him until the end of the month- fuel and food. He said I want to lend him the money but dad said never to lend to friends. I asked what he thought was the right thing to do and he said to lead it to hm. I asked how he'd feel if he didn't get it back, he said fine, I won't miss it. So he's leant him £100.

I know it's not the same as paying kkk's for surgery, but it sill comes down to your own personal values. Would you seriously leave someone in pain for 9 months when you can take it away? I certainly couldn't.!

Could you offer to go guarantor or something on the hospital finance to make sure she’s approved?

There are lots of people, the world over who are in pain and need money through no fault of their own, if you want to help out.
OP has said that she or her husband are not related to his step mum, nor do they love her and she has made some bad choices in her life.

It would probably depend on what could happen in those 10 months. Some things like hips and knees can deteriorate a lot in that time and mobility may be much harder regain.

Going guarantor means they will probably end up paying.

It isn't OP's fault or responsibility that she is pain. Maybe if she had been more responsible with money in the past, she'd have the money for the private surgery or at least be able to either get a loan or set up a payment plan.

The fact of the matter is that most people have to wait for non life threatening surgery and no one is entitled to someone else's money.

As someone who had to wait for NHS surgery, I would say no honestly. If she is struggling she could reach out to her GP and if it was affecting her severely, she could ask the GP if her surgery could be expedited which may save time, she could also ask to go on a short notice cancellations list for surgery.

And until then she could ask the GP for better help in controlling her pain until she gets to her surgery.

Unless you can afford to lose the money, then I would encourage her to ask her Doctors for help managing her health if the only fix is surgery

Apologies if this has been mentioned, I have only read the OP‘s responses – could you ask your relative to try and take out a personal loan via her bank?

If her bank is reluctant to lend her the money, I would take that as a sign that you would probably probably not get the money back as planned. Also, if her payment plan depends on her being well enough to work, etc..

No - because if it was urgent, it would be fast tracked. In the grand scheme of things 10 months is ok.

No I wouldn’t.
What happens if the op doesn’t go exactly as planned and she ends up staying for an extra week in the private hospital? Who will pay for that?
If it was to be paid back in 6-12 months I may consider it but not 5 years.
Paying back that slowly shows how it wouldn’t be a priority.
A 10 month wait is frankly nothing on the NHS.
She needs to speak to pain management about managing her pain levels .
She could also speak to her NHS consultant's secretary and say she can take a last minute cancellation.
But no. I wouldn’t be lending it. I doubt you would see it again.

What’s the procedure op?
If it’s something like gallbladder that can be managed with a zero fat diet until nhs surgery then I’d be less obliged to help. if it was something more serious like a ruptured disc and they were unable to walk or sleep then I’d be more inclined to help relieve their suffering if I could afford it.

I don't know how these things work, but let's say somehow she can fund the surgery privately, does that fee cover everything like post op drugs when discharged, blood tests, later scans to see if everything's ok, follow up consultations and so on? Maybe the initial fee does, I don't know, or maybe she can transfer to NHS post surgery, I don't know if she can do that either.

Would you be comfortable offering an amount you would never get back? then you could say to her “sorry we’ve most of our money tied up (in the kids, for the kids, just splashed out on a holiday for later next year but now we’ve paid the deposit committed to making payments or losing the lot) but we could loan you £half/ £1/3 if that would be helpful? We have been burned in the past so we would expect you to sign a note stating the loan and repayments.”

if you never want to loan to family or avoid being asked by other family members I would say the bit about being burned in the past so no lending but would offer a small sum as a gift 🤷‍♀️

I find it strange that her husband died 8 years ago but she still asks his son to lend her money ? Did she raise him ? Unless your DH has had frequent contact what's the likelihood that she would feel any obligation to return the money . I think she's a bit cheeky to ask, not take first refusal and still wants you to consider changing your mind .

10 months isn't a long wait. I've a similar wait for my second full hip replacement. I'm in a lot of pain and having to manage that.

I would look into the payment plans mentioned or wait for the 10 months.

I believe there may be financing options available directly through the hospital, certainly if private. It might be better for her to explore that as an option (perhaps with your help). Then repayment is to a third party and won’t compromise your own relationship.

Would you be a guarantor for someone you weren’t related to that had a history of financial problems?

TBH OP when I first read it, I was thinking a sibling or parent and thought I probably would.

When I read SM I thought it would have to be a very special and successful relationship (and some are) for that to be as strong an inclination.

I think respect doesn't really cut it it for this sort of request at that sort of amount, and I think her payback timetable sounds a bit limp. Surely she has something she could sell once she is up and about again after it - and well within five years.

One problem is that right now she has it as priority one. So of course she will truly believe that she will pay it all back, after all she is in pain and will pay anything to get it fixed.

However, once it is fixed it wont be a priority because she isnt in pain anymore. She wont have that constant reminder that she has now, so it will slide down the priority list after social life and holidays because she will be able to enjoy them after the op. So she will probably pay, good as gold, during her recovery period but chances are it will drift after that.

I read a psychology article about it, about how when a problem is solved the people who helped solved it are not as important to the person with the problem as they were when the problem was happening. It seemed to be borne out by the evidence.

It sounds like she has been in your life for a long time so although she is your husband's stepmum presumably your children consider her to be their grandma
I am remarried and my husband has been on my grandchildren's lives since they were born - my children would absolutely want to help him out if he was in this situation

You are right to not want to lend money for this. It's not a good feeling to have someone who is recuperating from an operation and not in the best of health to be diverting their income to you when you are already so much richer than her. What I would do in your situation would be to work out an amount that you are prepared to give her, no repayments required. Possibly about a third of the amount she has asked you to lend if a sibling or someone very close, probably no more than a tenth if distant. But don't actually hand it over until she has secured similar promises/other loans for the remainder of what she needs.

Money loans between family always spoil relationships and cause way more bad feeling than they should. Be generous and give, or hoard what is yours and don't give, but either way do not lend.

OK- you have "plenty of money" so why not gift her this operation as a one off since she's in pain?