Would you lend money to family for private surgery costs?

[BarefootOnSand]

A relative has been told she needs an operation. It’s nothing life threatening but she is having some symptoms including pain and has been told she will probably need to wait about 10 months, possibly longer, for the op.

She has seen a specialist privately who agrees she needs the operation and it could be done in 3-4 weeks.

She has approached my partner to ask if we could lend her the money. My partner said no but she has asked him to think about it, talk to me and has suggested an amount she could pay back each month. Based on the estimated amount for the op and the amount she can pay back, it would take almost 5 years for us to get the money back. There is also the possibility of it costing more if there are any complications. We can afford it but don’t like lending money to anyone. The last time we lent money to another family member, we only got about half of it back and that was much later than agreed.

What would you do? It’s hard to say no because she is family and we can see she is suffering with symptoms but we also don’t want to lend money. We don’t know if we will get it back and are worried about her needing more. We could say all our money is tied up and we have kids at university which cost a lot so we have reasons we could give. We don’t want things to be awkward but I think they will be now if we say no. We don’t think she would get a loan due to financial issues in the past but she has been stable more recently so maybe she would and we should suggest trying to get one.

My partner is seeing her at the weekend and I’m sure she’ll ask again so we need to decide.

5 years is too long to wait for the return of your money. In the US 5 years is a car note. 🤔

I would say no too. Just say unfortunately you can’t help due to your own financial commitments. If she pushes then just say “we’ve already said no, please don’t ask again”.

Don’t be guilt tripped and don’t engage further.

Which is why my first post said that they shouldn’t do it unless the money is money they don’t need.

If they really can’t trust her, it’s another story entirely. But they don’t seem to be worried that the she won’t pay it back, just that it will take a long time.

My whole point is just that if you can afford to be kind, then why not.

I am another one for wondering if it is a gall bladder operation. The symptoms can easily be managed by eating a fat free diet and 10 months isn't long to wait.

Definitely not. 10 months is barely anything to wait.

There are ways to manage the condition, so no. If it were life threatening unless done swiftly, yes.

Rather than paying you bacl @BarefootOnSand , why can't she get a bank loan if she wants it badly?

Because it is only that simple when you are spending someone else's money. OP also mentioned her step mums poor handling of money in the past so it is clearly a concern.

OP would also have to consider the future. Are any other family members going to ask for money? What about if her, DH or her children need surgery and have no choice but to wait because the money has gone on stepmums surgery instead?

I wouldn't be in a kind mood when someone seems to feel entitled to my money. Not taking no for an answer would really rub me up the wrong way.

When I went for private surgery they offered me an instalment plan at 0%. They would offer that to her in the UK. Luckily my father paid for it as he hated seeing me in pain and it affected his care. Is it someone close like your mum? I would do it for my mum, dad or children, but not for extended family. You would have to think what would happen if they never repaid me? Can you live without it? If so then it’s fine. If you really need the money back then I wouldn’t, as you may need it if your car breaks down or you lose your job unexpectedly.

The OP literally says that they are worried she won’t pay it back and worried she might ask for more.

Never a borrower or a lender be. If it was life threatening or medical issue it would be on NHD, clearly this isnt so no.

If someone has got to their late middle age or elderly years without building up some sort of savings buffer for emergencies, they are not going to suddenly find the wherewithal or motivation to live sufficiently within their means to pay back an unofficial loan.

It would be a no from me.

Many providers offer interest free repayment plans.

Wouid depend for me. If it was a close relative like mum or sister then yes without hesitation. Anyone else and it would be a no.

I would for my stepmum but I am very close to her. I also wouldn’t lend anybody money with the expectation of getting it back - even if they promised me they would. The hospital may also offer a payment plan

If someone I love or my partner loves was in pain and I could fix it for them I would. 10 months is a long time to be in pain and there may well be further delays. This could be a kind thing to do for someone. I wonder if she would've asked if she wasn't desperate - is she a bit cheeky or would she have found it embarrassing to ask?

No. It’s ten months, not ten years. And if the payback will take five years, the chances are you’ll never see it.

If i couldnt afford to lose it i wouldnt loan it

Not in those circumstances no. 10 months isn't a long time. Niece or nephew etc with cancer or serious illness and or injury, I probably would. 10 months is no time at all. The waiting lists in my area are insane. 3 years to see gynaecology for an initial assessment. Im currently waiting for a blood test. Next one is 7 weeks away. Ive got chronic low iron and b12 post hysterectomy. Madness

I used to work in a private hospital chain - first thing you see when you enter the reception area is 'We offer help with finance'. Most of clients were not rich people, but those who did not want to wait on the NHS - so the hospital was fully aware and was selling not only operations, but long-term repayment finance. Don't get involved.

If you give her cash, and if she dies during the procedure (she will have to sign a disclaimer) you won't receive a penny back. She will be warned about specific risks of death, plus she will receive a letter like 'We have also briefly discussed risks associated with long operations and general anaesthetic such as chest infections, blood clots in the leg and lung and death from other complications. Further details of these risks will be available in the patient information document that will be sent out should she wish to proceed'. When private self-paying patients died (no health insurance), most surgeons and anaesthetists refused to reimburse the fee, so in worse case scenario, which I hope won't happen, her relatives may be reimbursed theatre fees, and an overnight stay, if applicable.

There are a few comments similar to this.

I wouldn’t say I love her. She’s my partners step mum and I get on well with her but love is probably a little much. My partner also gets on well with her, but it’s his step mum, not his mum and love probably isn’t the right term for his feelings towards her. He loved his dad and she made him happy so he respects what they had. He died about 8 years ago.

Saying we are prioritising money over family is twisting what is going on. Our money will in some way be passed on to our children when we are alive and the rest when we die so we are prioritising our family.

My step mum has not always been good with money and has prioritised wrong things in our opinion, which has resulted in her not having her own money to pay for this herself. We have plenty of money because we have made better decisions, so although I appreciate different takes on this, implying we are selfish isn’t something I’ll accept.

Can she borrow half from someone else and you lend the other half? Then she pays you back in 2.5 yrs instead of 5? Does she work full time or is she retired?

She can ask her current surgeon to refer for 2nd opinion on the nhs.

I have mentioned the payment plans offered by private hospitals to my partner so he is going to have a look into them and mention them to his step mum. We don’t know if she would be approved due to her history but it’s something we hadn’t thought of so thank you to posters who mentioned that.

This is so difficult for you and a bit unfair for her to put you in this situation but that being said I have been in dreadful pain for over 2 years and I am on a waiting list for an appointment with a NHS Gastroenterologist have been since January and I opted to recently go private I couldn’t cope any more and I got my diagnosis and just received my medication today granted I didn’t need an operation but I do know that there are payment plans offered in the private sector maybe she could look at that !!

Sounds like you've made a decision and just needed a hand hold to commit. You've got to do what's right for your family. Everyone will base their advice on their own families and financial situation.