Would you lend money to family for private surgery costs?

[BarefootOnSand]

A relative has been told she needs an operation. It’s nothing life threatening but she is having some symptoms including pain and has been told she will probably need to wait about 10 months, possibly longer, for the op.

She has seen a specialist privately who agrees she needs the operation and it could be done in 3-4 weeks.

She has approached my partner to ask if we could lend her the money. My partner said no but she has asked him to think about it, talk to me and has suggested an amount she could pay back each month. Based on the estimated amount for the op and the amount she can pay back, it would take almost 5 years for us to get the money back. There is also the possibility of it costing more if there are any complications. We can afford it but don’t like lending money to anyone. The last time we lent money to another family member, we only got about half of it back and that was much later than agreed.

What would you do? It’s hard to say no because she is family and we can see she is suffering with symptoms but we also don’t want to lend money. We don’t know if we will get it back and are worried about her needing more. We could say all our money is tied up and we have kids at university which cost a lot so we have reasons we could give. We don’t want things to be awkward but I think they will be now if we say no. We don’t think she would get a loan due to financial issues in the past but she has been stable more recently so maybe she would and we should suggest trying to get one.

My partner is seeing her at the weekend and I’m sure she’ll ask again so we need to decide.

If I were you, and I could afford it, I would give her the full amount for the operation with no loan, and no paying back over 5 years. The condition is, she doesn't ask for more after the operation.. You can't have the stress of waiting 5 years for money to be paid back and it never arrives. Waiting lists are terrible and a relative of mine is going through similar - terrible pain, signed off work, no operation until next year. The system is broken. Never a borrower or a lender be. Give the money if you can, but that's it.

I would just say I never lend money to friends or relatives because it always sours relationships- if she doesn't just accept that, point out it is not life threatening and you cannot afford to be without the money for the best part of 5 years.

No

I'm sure the bank would lend her the money... if they wont... take heed.

A difficult decision to make but you’ve made the right choice. 15k is a lot of money to loan your DP’s stepmother and it’s very clear she would struggle to repay it.

Difficult one. I have lent a large sum of money to a family member, and am still struggling, years later, to get the money back. Because I'm a close relative, every time money is a bit tight (pretty often these days) my payment is the first to be cut or reduced, and I don't want to damage our relationship by making a fuss. With hindsight, I would have stuck to the advise I give others, which is never lend to friends and family. Give if you can afford to, by all means, but lending changes the relationship. Btw, you make a good point about possible complications, which could derail both the anticipated costs and the repayment plan. It's not as if the waiting list is years!

Is there a chance the wait might be shorter than 10 months?

I was going to offer to pay for a friend to have a laparoscopy and endo removal privately. She had been told an 18 month wait and was frantic about fertility, I was going through the same process privately at the time and felt so terrible for her. It ended up only being 5 months

I was going to make it clear there was no obligation to repay. I think that’s the only way you can do it without potentially damaging the relationship

You don’t have any obligation to pay and like you say there are other considerations (spiralling costs, others you know waiting for operations etc)

She could try a bank or credit card. The private hospital should be able to advise on self funded options .
She shouldn't be asking relatives unless it's a very close relative who
She knows can easily afford to help and for life savings operation.

10 months wait sounds relatively normal for NHS op.

She's put you in a very difficult potentially no win situation. If you say no you feel guilty and it could be awkward. You say yes it could get messy if she doesnt pay it back, pays smaller amounts, takes longer. A lot can change in 5 years and there's a high chance there will be more times when she needs more money or cant pay that month etc etc. So awkward no matter what you do but only one option is going to cost money and has potential to cause even more trouble.....

You dont need to justify why its a no, just say you have considered it and unfortunately you are not able to lend the money. I agree its a bad idea. Private say we could get it done in x weeks but the reality is often a few weeks longer, with pre-op assessments etc. So realistically probably within 2 months vs within 10 months on the NHS - so only a few months over a 6 month wait. The NHS can be unpredictable re their operations ie they get you in when the can - it could be sooner or later. It could be just before xmas when no one else wants the op. But thank the lord for the NHS. Surely private is for those who can afford to not wait. Its often the same surgeons. If the difference was years its probably worth considering. But even then not at your expense. Id just stick to no for a non-urgent op.

You can’t understand any situation whereby someone might ask a wealthy family member for a loan of money?

Personally I wouldn’t. I might tell them of my predicament in the hope they would offer. But no, I wouldn’t ask for a loan from anyone. Just personal pride and not wanting to embarrass the relative.

I couldn't let her live with pain if I could afford to help.

Why can’t she get a bank loan?

I totally understand this because I am in extreme pain and often in A&E while I wait to get a date to have my gallbladder removed. If I had the money I think I would go private. But why doesn’t your relative start a go fund me page? she may be able to raise the funds that way. If it wasn’t life threatening I don’t think I would pay for all of her surgery but I’d definitely make a contribution.