Would you lend money to family for private surgery costs?

[BarefootOnSand]

A relative has been told she needs an operation. It’s nothing life threatening but she is having some symptoms including pain and has been told she will probably need to wait about 10 months, possibly longer, for the op.

She has seen a specialist privately who agrees she needs the operation and it could be done in 3-4 weeks.

She has approached my partner to ask if we could lend her the money. My partner said no but she has asked him to think about it, talk to me and has suggested an amount she could pay back each month. Based on the estimated amount for the op and the amount she can pay back, it would take almost 5 years for us to get the money back. There is also the possibility of it costing more if there are any complications. We can afford it but don’t like lending money to anyone. The last time we lent money to another family member, we only got about half of it back and that was much later than agreed.

What would you do? It’s hard to say no because she is family and we can see she is suffering with symptoms but we also don’t want to lend money. We don’t know if we will get it back and are worried about her needing more. We could say all our money is tied up and we have kids at university which cost a lot so we have reasons we could give. We don’t want things to be awkward but I think they will be now if we say no. We don’t think she would get a loan due to financial issues in the past but she has been stable more recently so maybe she would and we should suggest trying to get one.

My partner is seeing her at the weekend and I’m sure she’ll ask again so we need to decide.

Well, she asked. But it’s not your job to provide healthcare. She has clearly made little provision for her future. That’s her choice, but it doesn’t make it your job to fill the gap.
I think it has to be a firm no. Lots of us are waiting for NHS operations, it can be trying, but you just have to wait.
This lady is unlikely to change. She won’t be able to magic up monthly payments year after year. And she may need further treatment so who pays for that? What if she needs further treatment or another op?

@BarefootOnSand It will never be a one off. It never is when people are bad with money and then they expect a bail out, or there is a level of expectation cos you have something and "they don't" and therefore "it's not fair". If things had gone really wrong like covid had wiped out what had been a profitable business or something then I would understand but no, this is an ever decreasing circle where you will be tapped up.

In addition, it doesn't matter how much money you have. Once it's spent it's gone. I know how much we spend on life in general, school fees, holidays and other things. Plus, I know how much we want to be able to have when we retire. I make sure that can be serviced through our various income sources, but it takes management of not only income from work but investments as well, and I enjoy it but it takes time and commitment. It's not for anyone else's benefit than mine and my nuclear family.

Financial issues in the past - there's your warning.
Advise her to apply for a loan or credit card, see what happens.

It will open the floodgates. Before you know it will be Aunty Vi, Cousin Tom, Uncle Fred etc tapping you for money. Say no.

No I wouldn’t lend money full stop and certainly not for something she could get on the NHS in 10 months if she waited. If it was my parents, I would just give them the money if I could afford it.

It depends. I paid for gallbladder surgery myself, the pain is indescribable and mine was on the verge of bursting. I couldn’t have waited 10 months. I wouldn’t wish the pain of an attack on anyone. If I could afford to then yes I probably would give her the money if it’s this type of op.

I assume that if your DH's step-mother was married to your husband's dad who died, he would have left most of his money and other assets to her. If she has made poor financial decisions, it isn't your husband's job to use your family money to fund her non-urgent operation.

As you and your DH have closer relatives with medical needs who haven't put you on the spot by asking for money, it would be a kick in the teeth for them if they found out that you were funding your DH's step-mother's operation.

If you know of other family members that are in greater need of private health care then ofcourse you help them first. In her place I would just wait 10 months rather than asking my son/stepson for money. So either she's cheeky or in such pain that she's desperate. Only you know if she's got form for being cheeky?

The fact that she didnt take NO for an answer tells me all I need to know about her. I would say 100% NOT to lend money.
She can wait 10 months.
A considerate person would feel embarrassed to even push like that. They would drop the subject and wait for help to be offered if you saw them struggling

Unless I misread - she asked and he said no - she refused to accept that and is putting pressure on??
If she asks again all he needs to say is 'I have already given you my answer'

Well now let’s see. How reliable a payer is she? Will she realistically be able to stick to those repayments, and will she be motivated to stick to them? Even a year after the surgery or whatever. And if she doesn’t stick to the repayments, how much will that annoy you? And how does that contrast with how good you will feel helping out family. Ultimately you have to weigh up risk (she won’t pay you) vs reward (you will have helped) and decide if you’re happy to do it

I've worked in private health care for 22 years and private hospitals offer 0% payment options.

Has she she to referred to a private hospital under the NHS through Choose and Book.
Depending what it is orthopaedics is fairly quick, this is only in England though

Yes, in the circumstances you describe. She is in pain and has asked if you can lend it and worked out how she can afford to pay it back.

I wouldn't see any member of family wait ten times as long if I could do something to help and could wait to have the money back.

Wether you decide to loan her the money or not is up to you but if you decide to do it, you really should have a written contract to specify this is a loan. God forbid anything happens, at least you will be able to prove it was a loan.

I work in a private hospital and we take NHS patients under choose and book.

A lot of the patients are in for hips and knees

I would suggest she ask the private hospital about a payment plan.
She could also ask about right to chose and see if she can get it quicker on NHS elsewhere

A parent or my child yes ( as I wouldn't see it really as a loan) aunties, cousins or further no. Never a lender or borrower be.

If she can afford the repayments then usually private clinics have payment plans.

I did this (not for an operation). The waiting list at the time was months and months and my symptoms made life untenable. Saw a private specialist for a definitive diagnosis. Then I knew exactly what the matter was and could make a plan.

I can confirm that. I recently paid for private surgery as I was in severe pain and NHS waits where I live were ridiculous. I managed to pay for most of it on a new credit card which offered 18 months interest free, and I will clear it before then.

However the hospital (Spire) also offered payment plans to help with the cost. I’m sure they must all do. Perhaps she should enquire about those, or for at least part of the cost? But tbh if I had had only a 10 month wait for the NHS I would have waited. I had the same surgeon I would have had on the NHS.

If it was a sibling parent child or child of sibling I would do it unless there was a track record of broken promises. Yes you have to write it off and be pleased if you get it back. I nearly lost my home and a brother offered me more money than he had to help me save it. I will always be grateful. I dont owe him money now but I really do owe him a tonne of love and respect.

It is a tough one but lend as much as you could possibly afford to loose. Some things just matter. In my opinion. If they have been flaky or taken money in the past maybe not but it sounds like a first and they sound desperate.

What type of op is it? A new hip will cost in the region of £16k. If the pain can be managed for 10 months, then I would recommend she wait. If she feels she can't, she should look at borrowing from the bank. If she was in agony I would ask other family members to chip in and just gift my share of the cost.

Could she ask the private consultant if he/she accepts NHS at that private hospital.
If they do the can write to her gp asking them to refer her back to them under NHS. I work in a private hospital and this happens a lot depending on their condition

Personally, if you don’t want to lend it to her (which you are entitled to - your money you do as you wish) I would offer to gift her maybe 25% if you are able and then you have shown willing but are not footing the full cost, but maybe it would prevent any ill feeling (as mean as it may sound, if she can’t afford the other 75% you won’t end up giving her anything).

Could she see if they offer any 0% finance deals? Does she have any health insurance she can claim through?

If the bottom line is she cannot afford it, she will have to wait the ten months. You could try and be supportive in other ways and look for pain/symptom management with her.

You can afford to, but you don’t want to. I think that’s pretty mean for a parent-figure.