Would you lend money to family for private surgery costs?

[BarefootOnSand]

A relative has been told she needs an operation. It’s nothing life threatening but she is having some symptoms including pain and has been told she will probably need to wait about 10 months, possibly longer, for the op.

She has seen a specialist privately who agrees she needs the operation and it could be done in 3-4 weeks.

She has approached my partner to ask if we could lend her the money. My partner said no but she has asked him to think about it, talk to me and has suggested an amount she could pay back each month. Based on the estimated amount for the op and the amount she can pay back, it would take almost 5 years for us to get the money back. There is also the possibility of it costing more if there are any complications. We can afford it but don’t like lending money to anyone. The last time we lent money to another family member, we only got about half of it back and that was much later than agreed.

What would you do? It’s hard to say no because she is family and we can see she is suffering with symptoms but we also don’t want to lend money. We don’t know if we will get it back and are worried about her needing more. We could say all our money is tied up and we have kids at university which cost a lot so we have reasons we could give. We don’t want things to be awkward but I think they will be now if we say no. We don’t think she would get a loan due to financial issues in the past but she has been stable more recently so maybe she would and we should suggest trying to get one.

My partner is seeing her at the weekend and I’m sure she’ll ask again so we need to decide.

Just because someone is a step-mum, does not make them a "parent figure". She's already explained that they're not close like that.

I absolutely wouldn't lend her the money unless I was mega rich. She will just havd to wait her turn on the NHS waiting list like everybody else. She may never be able to pay it back even through no fault of her own. Say no sorry we're not in a position to do this.

I worked with a lady who's friend knew she had money, the friend was in debt and turned up with a repayment plan of how much she would pay each month. It's save to say she didn't repay a penny and used the money to go on holiday among other things. When someone makes a plan for your money it's a red flag. Knowbody should expect your money. Tbh what would she do if you didn't have money?????

I dont agree with anyone saying guilt tripping you into lending her the money. How far would some people go, maybe getting into major debt themselves for a more expensive operation?

I think youre being sensible about it.

She should absolutely look into getting a loan herself first.

If you do decide to lend her the money, then make sure you have paperwork- both so you can enforce repayment and in case anything happens to her before repayment so you can make sure the estate repays you.

No need to feel guilty if you decide not to - the NHS will get round to her, it is very sad that people have to wait so long for surgery and be in pain but she is by no means the only person in that boat and has had the option previously to set aside money for situations like this but has chosen not to do so.

you've mentioned she hasn’t been good with money decisions in the past so I’m going to suggest she won’t stick to a repayment plan long term either. There’s always going to be something else pop up.

my SIL did this to MIL and then us, although we didn’t go through with the loan after much consideration. SIL declared bankruptcy a few months later and the loan was going to be secured against a property we owned.

Don’t be swayed by love bombing either…

does she have children of her own ? What’s their financial position ? Why doesn’t your FIL borrow it for his wife ?

Absolutely do not give the SM any money.
I am bewildered that anyone would ask their family for money for any reason whatsoever.
If, knowing her problem, you had offered to help, all well and good. But she has no right at all to ask this of you and put you in such an embarrassing situation.
Personally I would rather curl up and die than beg for money; and I can promise I have been in dire straits!!

No. You’re not a bank. If she can’t afford it, she can’t afford it. We can all have a wishlist with other people’s money. What would happen if she had something more serious like cancer? Or need a hip op? Would she expect private treatment then.

The vast majority of us develop long term conditions but that’s a fact of life. She needs better pain management whilst she waits.

No

Never a lender or a borrower be is my motto. Only lend money if you can afford never to see it again, and without expecting to. If it was me, I would just tell them straight that we couldn’t afford it. Very sorry.

Don't lend money to people who are bad with money. You'll never get it back. The brief pain of saying no is tiny compared to the resentment of never getting your money back.

As someone from the opposite side of this, both of my parents have over £100k in savings each. I've been in AGONY since November and had to cancel holidays due to being on a very long waiting list for a surgery I need.

I asked my mum if I could borrow the money to have my surgery done privately, she said no and told me I was an idiot for considering going private, something about the aftercare not being very good.

She has lent money out before as she refused to let me or my sister (or my husband!) get car finance when she could easily help, so she's not against lending money in general.

She then asked my opinion on her getting an optional surgery done privately to help with her weight loss because she was jealous of how much weight I'd lost (I've lost the weight due to my illness 🙄).

So clearly she meant I was an idiot for wanting to go private, because I don't have the money, but she does 😂 Needless to say this has added to the list of things that have really soured our relationship in the past 12 months 🤦🏻‍♀️

If I had as much money as my parents do, I would ABSOLUTELY help a (close) family member out. If it would wipe out my entire £3k savings, which is all I have, then no, totally different scenario!

It depends on how close you are and family dynamics. I know if I lend money to either of my siblings they will pay the money back. In fact I have and they have on multiple occasions, sometimes £1,000's, sometimes more, but they've always paid it back. That said I would never lend outside my immediate family.

OP depending on what surgery she needs she can ask her GP for a referral to a private hospital under the NHS e referral service (used to be called choose and book) I think only certain conditions can be referred though. Google NHS e referral. If she’s eligible then she will be treated in a private hospital for free paid for by the NHS.

My red flag alert system and alarm bells started when reading this.
You said at the start she has bad credit so probably won't get a 5 year bank loan or a 5 year hospital payment plan agreed. But she won't want them anyway because she would be legally bound to pay the payments each and every month on time. Much easier for her to get the money from you and then start being late paying, paying less then skipping payments claiming poverty. I doubt you'd get more than a few months payments back.

A 5 year repayment plan is far too long - I think it's taking the mick to have asked you. She should take out a personal loan and suck up the interest payments (assuming you would not be paid interest, either).

She can get finance through the private hospital or a 0% credit card or a personal loan at her bank.

There are a number of options. Spending your money isn't one of them.

Or, if need be, she can wait 10 months. I've been waiting 4 years. It sucks, but it's survivable.

Don't do it. She can apply for a loan or 0% credit card and pay them back over 5 years. And if she cannot get either of these, that shows the state of her financial standing.

10 months isn’t a long time really / depending on what the illness is and the cost

Sorry if I’ve missed it, but how much money are we talking about here? If it’s for a hip replacement it’s around 15k or more!

It’s a very long time if it’s painful and affects your ability to live a normal life.

As you have learned with a previous family member, don't lend what you cannot afford to loose. If you can afford to contribute some money, offer it as a gift but advise that you are unable to contribute more either as a gift or as a loan. No is a complete sentence and you do not need to justify yourself nor set yourself on fire for someone else. Your partner has already said no to this woman so if you really need a reason, all he needs to say is we would love to have been in a position to assist but we have run the numbers and we do not have the spare cash at the moment. If she continues to ask, say we have already had this conversation and we are unable to assist. Please stop asking as our financial circumstances haven't changed. Good luck X ps this needs to be your partner that has this conversation otherwise you will always be the wicked witch of the west.

Agree. Hence I said “depending on what the illness is.”

10 months? Unless the symptoms are really awful I wouldn’t. I had to wait years to a) meet the criteria for and b) actually get a date for surgery for an increasingly painful condition that significantly affected my mobility and in that instance would have paid for/borrowed for surgery if I could. But 10 months if it’s a realistic estimate sounds manageable.

If a parent, child or sibling yes if I had it

We have decided not to lend her the money which was about £15k. My partner is going to talk to her about the other options people have suggested. Hopefully she will be able to get a payment plan with the private hospital but if not then we agree that 10 months is not that long to wait.