Would you lend money to family for private surgery costs?

[BarefootOnSand]

A relative has been told she needs an operation. It’s nothing life threatening but she is having some symptoms including pain and has been told she will probably need to wait about 10 months, possibly longer, for the op.

She has seen a specialist privately who agrees she needs the operation and it could be done in 3-4 weeks.

She has approached my partner to ask if we could lend her the money. My partner said no but she has asked him to think about it, talk to me and has suggested an amount she could pay back each month. Based on the estimated amount for the op and the amount she can pay back, it would take almost 5 years for us to get the money back. There is also the possibility of it costing more if there are any complications. We can afford it but don’t like lending money to anyone. The last time we lent money to another family member, we only got about half of it back and that was much later than agreed.

What would you do? It’s hard to say no because she is family and we can see she is suffering with symptoms but we also don’t want to lend money. We don’t know if we will get it back and are worried about her needing more. We could say all our money is tied up and we have kids at university which cost a lot so we have reasons we could give. We don’t want things to be awkward but I think they will be now if we say no. We don’t think she would get a loan due to financial issues in the past but she has been stable more recently so maybe she would and we should suggest trying to get one.

My partner is seeing her at the weekend and I’m sure she’ll ask again so we need to decide.

in lots of situations - genuinely life changing/limiting illnesses, where they were in considerable daily pain, when the waiting time was several years, when I could be as sure as possible they would repay it within a quick time period, etc., then yes I would. If it was a parent or sibling with cancer, for example, as long as I could afford it I'd gift them the money even if they couldn't repay it.

But in the specific circumstances you've quoted, no, probably not. 9 months for something not particularly serious isn't that long, and I'd be wondering why they couldn't just put it on a credit card or take out a payment plan with the private provider. Even if they did half and half so could pay you back in a shorter time or borrow less from you. If they can't pay for it any other way I'd be sceptical that they'd stick to repaying you.

Never lend money you can’t afford to lose.

It depends how much it is, surely? @BarefootOnSand

no. She can call for cancellations and potentially get in before the 10months

Depends on own personal circs. If I had lots of savings or was financially independent then yes. But if I was managing ok but without a huge buffer, no I wouldn’t for something non life threatening

It would be a hard no from me because:

The payback time is too long
The amount she has been quoted is the minimum
She might not still be part of the wider family afterwards
The loan would not be enforceable unless a formal signed agreement is in place
The operation might not work
The waiting time on NHS is not really that long and symptoms can be managed.

Personally I wouldn’t unless you are prepared to write the money off. Lending money to relatives often doesn’t end well. As you have mentioned what happens if there are complications the bill may end up being significantly bigger so how big a blank cheque are you prepared to write. It’s not life threatening and she has been given strategies to help manage the pain. 5 years repayment is a long time and that timescale is based on the assumption the big doesn’t increase. Also is she expecting to pay interest or is it she is assuming a zero percent loan. From me it would be a sorry but we don’t lend money to relatives. You have been bitten once so I wouldn’t run that. Risk a second time.

5 years is an absolute joke. She has a real cheek to even ask for that long.

Say no. She can wait 10 months just like everyone else who can't afford otherwise.

This. If she has no savings, this means that she spends all of her monthly income = no extra leftover to pay you back.

What kind of operation is it? Is the pain bad or manageable with painkillers? 10 months isn't a huge a lot of time, unless the pain is bad.

What kind of step-mum was she? Loving and involved? Or detached?

How old is she? Can the loan be attached to her property?

Lending money gets very messy, very quickly. Lending money is a sure fire way to fall out.

Either:
Gift it. Easier than expecting it back because everyone knows where they stand. Depends on who they are and whether you can afford to just write it off. If I could afford it and the person was close to me, I'd do this.
Or
If you lend it, draw up a proper and realistic contract to avoid any misunderstandings. No guarantee you'll get it back but at least there wont be arguments about what was agreed.
Or
Say no. Unless the person was someone I was close to, this would be my answer.

I would have to say no. I wouldn’t lend for something that would take 5 years to payback. That’s a long time where many things could change.
she can get it done on the NHS in 10 months. So the repayment time is 6 times this wait time would he.
and also the worry that you would be expected to cover any extra expenses that could occur. That just seems crazy to me

All private hospitals offer financial payment plans. What if she needs further treatment, the NHS will likely refuse to treat her for this particular issue if she has previously gone down the private route.

I think for me if I could afford it I would gift it, if she pays you back it’s a bonus, it would depend on what the surgery is, if she is in significant pain I couldn’t see her suffer knowing I could help fix it

Never lend what you can’t afford to lose!

Possibly to find out if it was something potentially life-threatening. For different conditions, a few people have done that (thinking if it was, they would just have to find a way).
OP, I would if you have a good relationship. 10 months is a lifetime if she's in pain.

”but if she’s willing to spend that kind of money (even over a long period of time) she must be desperate to get some sort of quality of life back”

That logic would work if it was her own money she was willing to spend, not so much since it’s OP’s money.

I know, but that doesn’t mean loans are completely off limits. And as you say, if they are, there’ll be a reason.

Nope because I can’t afford to potentially never see all or some of the money again (£5 - £20k?).

Say sorry but no - your money is tied up. No need for a lengthy explanation and for this to take up anymore headspace. As others have said, anything can happen in five years and the economy isn’t exactly in good shape. I wouldn’t dream of asking anyone for a loan that would take me five years to pay back! She’s obviously a bit crap with money, don’t you think?

@BarefootOnSand

How much are we talking about? I think that would put it into perspective

Edit: sorry wrong thread.

Just curious - how much money have you lent to family for private surgery?

Did they pay it back on schedule?

Would I give my savings to my boyfriend’s dad’s wife (whilst putting my own children through uni)? Er…no.

No, it's ten months wait, probably could have been down to 9 months if she'd agreed to go on the waiting list in the first place, instead of paying for a private consultation when she knew she couldn't afford the private treatment.

If she knew about the last person paying it back, she may well turn around and expect not to have to pay it all back because the other person didn't.

If something goes wrong and the cost doubles or triples, she will expect you to lend that too, so you could be agreeing to a far higher amount than the initial guesstimate she has come up with.

You know the answer: £0. It’s easy to volunteer OP’s money, though. #BeKind