Would you lend money to family for private surgery costs?

[BarefootOnSand]

A relative has been told she needs an operation. It’s nothing life threatening but she is having some symptoms including pain and has been told she will probably need to wait about 10 months, possibly longer, for the op.

She has seen a specialist privately who agrees she needs the operation and it could be done in 3-4 weeks.

She has approached my partner to ask if we could lend her the money. My partner said no but she has asked him to think about it, talk to me and has suggested an amount she could pay back each month. Based on the estimated amount for the op and the amount she can pay back, it would take almost 5 years for us to get the money back. There is also the possibility of it costing more if there are any complications. We can afford it but don’t like lending money to anyone. The last time we lent money to another family member, we only got about half of it back and that was much later than agreed.

What would you do? It’s hard to say no because she is family and we can see she is suffering with symptoms but we also don’t want to lend money. We don’t know if we will get it back and are worried about her needing more. We could say all our money is tied up and we have kids at university which cost a lot so we have reasons we could give. We don’t want things to be awkward but I think they will be now if we say no. We don’t think she would get a loan due to financial issues in the past but she has been stable more recently so maybe she would and we should suggest trying to get one.

My partner is seeing her at the weekend and I’m sure she’ll ask again so we need to decide.

Difficult as it may be, I’d say no.
It could cause a rift in the future if she can’t pay it back. There may be extra expenses if there are complications.
You may need the money in the next 5 years - who knows ones what the future holds.

Please tell me its not gallbladder surgery 🤣

No Unless it was life saving . And if the wait was years rather than months . Is your FIL still alive ? Just wondering why she is asking as opposed to him on behalf of his wife . The repayment term is too long and if she has bad credit it probably is because she can't afford much . If she became incapacitated or even died you would never get anything back . Which is OK if you are prepared to possibly be stuck for providing for your family for uni, retirement, etc.

No, dont lend! 10 months not long to wait at all and if it was essential for her to have it done sooner they'll put her on the Cancellation list anyway...and partners stepmother is hardly a close relation.

Ask her to take out a loan from the bank. She has a real cheek asking. If she had spare money to pay you back she would have some savings.
Save you money for your own children, house deposits etc. Money generally in the UK goes down not up.

There are lots of reasons we are reluctant to which I’ve mentioned already. We have lent money before to someone else and it hasn’t all been paid back, the amount needed could go up if there are any complications and there is an alternative as she could just wait like most people. We wouldn’t ask for money for something we couldn’t afford, even medical unless it was life or death.

No

How much does she want to borrow and how much has she offered to pay back monthly?

If she has had financial issues in the past, my answer would be no. It’s not like the surgery is unavailable unless she pays; it’s available but she’ll have to wait a bit.

I work in private healthcare - typically anyone who isn’t insured and can’t afford the upfront cost either chooses a payment plan through us or goes to a credit union. If neither of these are an option for her then I doubt she’d actually be able to pay you back. I’d also be very wary of paying for her as once she has private treatment then she is technically no longer entitled to NHS care for this condition. If there was further surgery needed down the line then you could be in trouble. Unless she’s in agony and absolutely cannot function, 10 months isn’t a huge wait. Most people who choose to pay are waiting years, not months.

We lent money to a sibling for medical treatment. What happened was that they then insisted on every aspect of the treatment being done privately even though there was the option for some elements (scans and blood tests mainly) to be done within the same timeframe free of charge on the NHS. The treatment was unsuccessful and there was an element of blame levied at us even though our only part in the treatment was to agree to a request to pay for it - we didn’t even suggest they go private or play any part in choosing the doctor! It wasn’t paid back and about 6 months afterwards my husband was made redundant and we really could have done with the rainy day savings we’d handed over for it.

I wouldn’t lend her the money in these circumstances. If she was in intolerable pain it might be different. Has she asked if other hospitals have shorter waiting lists? Has she asked to be put on a cancellation list?

The bank also offers loans & 5year repayment terms. Is there a reason this relative hasn’t tried a bank?
Only lend what you’re prepared to lose.

You don’t need to feel guilty over saying no.
have you got a figure you would be happy to lend over a shorter payback period? We can’t do x but could offer y.

It says in the OP she has had previous financial difficulties.

Which is a good reason not to lend her the money. If a bank won’t lend it to her, it’s probably because they think she won’t pay it back!

I am very much of the view that if the bank would say no as a person is a bad credit risk to them, then you should say no too.

I know that is harsh but the simple fact is that if she got into trouble with money in the past with banks/credit cards etc, she is far more likely to default on a loan with family that isnt going to affect her credit rating.

If you could afford it, don’t need that money for anything else, and wouldn’t be in any financial trouble if it wasn’t paid back, I don’t see any reason not to help.

We have a few family members we support financially with a bit of money every month. We’re not particularly well off, and I’d love to spend that money elsewhere, but we have everything we need and can afford it, so it feels like the right thing to do.

I’d first ask her to challenge the wait time by speaking to her doctors about how much pain she’s in and how it’s affecting her life, but if she’s willing to spend that kind of money (even over a long period of time) she must be desperate to get some sort of quality of life back, and I think helping her, if you can afford it, would be the right thing to do.

It doesn’t sound like she will actually pay back the money; and 10 months isn’t that long for a non-life threatening condition. I would be angry that she asked.

No. Neither a borrower or lender be.

No.

It all depends on the kind of surgery and the management she's been offered.

Private care for symptom management might be a much more reasonable approach. I got private dietary support via work when the NHS gave me three contradictory and in parts incorrect prices of advice on managing my gallstones prior to surgery.

And if there are comorbidities such as weight, taking longer to get herself fit before surgery might be a better idea than rushing into it.

I was offered surgery in five days after my final flare up, but chose to take six weeks as it allowed me to get fitter and ready for surgery.

I'd have no problem paying for a private consultation or two, but not for the actual surgery TBH. If the issue was life threatening she would be treated asap I presume, if it is not she goes on the list like everyone else. What do others do who are on the list, surely there is an interim management plan here?

I'd worry that she would spend it on something else! It doesn't sound like she's good with money, otherwise she could borrow it from the bank.

@BarefootOnSand If you are wealthy I would give her the money- not loan. If you are not wealthy then I would say no. It's not life changing, she can get it on the nhs and 5 years is a ridiculous long time to wait for reimbursement.

I wouldn’t , 5 years will mean in real terms you will get back significantly less than you’re giving upfront. She could split from family member etc and no guarantee she will honour the agreement

If I could afford it without hardship to myself or my children and I believed she would repay me then yes I would.

Of course it depends who she is. Parent, sibling, niece or nephew yes. Aunt or cousin no.

I think the 5 years to pay back to too much. Could she not get a bank loan?

I have borrowed and lent to siblings/mum/ stepdad, but it was paid back much faster.