Would you lend money to family for private surgery costs?

[BarefootOnSand]

A relative has been told she needs an operation. It’s nothing life threatening but she is having some symptoms including pain and has been told she will probably need to wait about 10 months, possibly longer, for the op.

She has seen a specialist privately who agrees she needs the operation and it could be done in 3-4 weeks.

She has approached my partner to ask if we could lend her the money. My partner said no but she has asked him to think about it, talk to me and has suggested an amount she could pay back each month. Based on the estimated amount for the op and the amount she can pay back, it would take almost 5 years for us to get the money back. There is also the possibility of it costing more if there are any complications. We can afford it but don’t like lending money to anyone. The last time we lent money to another family member, we only got about half of it back and that was much later than agreed.

What would you do? It’s hard to say no because she is family and we can see she is suffering with symptoms but we also don’t want to lend money. We don’t know if we will get it back and are worried about her needing more. We could say all our money is tied up and we have kids at university which cost a lot so we have reasons we could give. We don’t want things to be awkward but I think they will be now if we say no. We don’t think she would get a loan due to financial issues in the past but she has been stable more recently so maybe she would and we should suggest trying to get one.

My partner is seeing her at the weekend and I’m sure she’ll ask again so we need to decide.

Depends on what the surgery was/ how serious it is for me. My partner went private for surgery as his condition was ruining his career and mental health and I’m not sure if he would have survived the 18m + wait on the nhs so it was money well spent for us.
If you’re loaning the money I’d weigh up if you if you can afford to lose it should she not pay you back, and how much she is struggling and wether you could allow that to happen, if you have an opportunity to help.

Five years is a very long time to be out if pocket.

Do you think this is genuinely the only way she can have the op quickly? Why would she not qualify for "proper" finance (a loan or payment plan)?

I would be so wary of this as, if she has no money, you would essentially be paying for the treatment, not lending her £10k and there’s no saying what the total bill might be.

If something went wrong, she wouldn’t be able to pay.
If there were additional fees for appointments, scans, follow ups, she couldn’t afford to pay.

Going private for medical treatment is something people save up for/take risks for/commit money to, pay interest on loans for.

She wants YOU to do all the risk taking, so she can get what she wants without waiting.

No, ten months is not long to wait. She will be too strained to pay it back.
Say you can't spare it but also encourage her to wait and spend less.
Gift her something to help pay her painkillers.

What this would be doing is taking your emergency fund and cashflow for five years (assuming you do get paid back). What happens if one of you loses your job in two years' time, say?

Also, I am assuming she is not offering to pay interest. £15k (cost of hip operation) at 4% over 5 years will earn £3,250 compound interest.

Just say you don't have that sort of money. Don't say the money is committed elsewhere, just that you do not have it.

Not for a ten month wait, no. I've paid for a lot of private healthcare but it's always been for stuff I would have to wait longer than ten months for.

This sort of shizz is what credit cards, loans and re-mortgages are for.

Hi op I would say no. Yes she might be in a lot of pain but 5 years is a long time and what happens when another relative needs private healthcare it will be oh we can ask barefoot.

YANBU
No she should wait like everyone else if she can’t afford it.

Sorry to sound harsh, but you’re not a lending bank (that you risk not getting back) for all your families monetary problems.

Not a chance I would lend money to a partners step-mum.

Is it a gallbladder op?

i wouldn’t lend the money, paying privately instead of waiting 10 months is crazy.

Nooooooooo. It will ruin your relationship.

Seen it in my DH’s family. One sibling financially helped another, then when they split with their partner, both decided not to pay.

Siblings no longer speak.

What is the nature of the surgery and how much is she asking to borrow?
Difficult to offer an opinion without this information.

A lot of the private hospitals offer payment plans. I'd ask if she's considered them. If she is very dismissive maybe she can wait 10 months.

Not a chance. She simply has to wait like the vast majority of people do.

It isn't life threatening and she needs accept that no means no.

She’s asking for a loan, not to be given the money. Which means that she is planning on paying for it, albeit in instalments.

5 years repayment is a long time.

I think if you don't have the kind of money where you can just write off the cost without too much worry, and you have kids at Uni, still saving for a pension? Paying a mortgage? it's just not something you can do unless it is life and death.

And she has had financial issues on the past / bad credit? You would be at risk of not being at the top of her list for repayments.

It's hard but if you can't do it, you can't do it.

Where is your Dp's Dad in this?

This.

I was prepared to pay privately for a family member and we were in the process of arranging everything when a cancellation appt came through.

It does happen.

If it were me in this case? I would say no. Mainly because it is months of a wait and pain is manageable.

What has society become? YES!
She is his step mother and in pain and you have the money.
I despair at the selfish world we live in

Your partner already said no. That should be enough. Suggest the payment plan and say you'll help with the interest on it, perhaps

If you have the money and can afford it I would absolutely! I would never leave someone I love in pain when I could pay to take them out of it! Quite shocked someone would rather prioritise money than their families well being!

She might be planning on it but that doesn't guarantee that she will. 5 years is also a long time.

Where’s your partner’s dad in all this, or her own children if she has any? Does your partner have a close relationship with his stepmother?

No, 5 years is too long to wait for repayment. She needs to take out a bank loan if it is going to take her that long to repay the money.

Or wait for the NHS.

This and they have a standby waiting list too, trusts often have more then one site they can book too
if it was life threatening they’d be booking her sooner to the clinicians can’t think it needs this level of urgency which is a preety good gauge.