What's the worst hospitality you've ever had?

[Arniesaxe]

Not a TAAT but I was on a thread recently where a lot of people were saying they wouldn't expect any snacks, if they'd visited a friend for the afternoon 90 mins drive away, and that just one cup of tea would be sufficient. Many disagreed, saying that if they were the host they'd have at least biscuits/cake or savoury snacks and plentiful drinks for their guests.

I have a very recent example where I travelled for around 40 minutes to visit a friend who was having a gathering and me and other guest I'd come with were not even offered a drink at all! It was fine, I was obviously driving and other guest I brought doesn't drink alcohol but even a glass of water would've been more considerate than nothing at all.

Also I once visited friends in order to go out for the day for food/drinks/trip around the town. Planned to stay over as longish drive and we'd likely have wine with dinner. When I got there, they'd changed their minds and decided to just stay in, watch TV and drink wine. I love wine, but sitting about at home drinking it in the middle of the afternoon is not my idea of fun and I wouldn't have visited them had I known that was their plan, not my thing at all. That was also about an hour and a half's drive. It really affected our friendship.

I am the opposite, anyone visiting even to drop something off or such will at least be offered a tea/coffee even if they're only coming in for five minutes. If I have guests I make sure I have what they want and I fulfil expectations with very little exception. If I am having a proper gathering I try to cover all eventualities, I'd rather have ample leftovers than anyone leave my house hungry/cold/sober thirsty!

When my oldest was a few weeks old my in-laws offered to look after her for a few hours so I could get some sleep. When I arrived in the morning, they’d changed their mind but asked me to stay. I wanted to leave but they kept asking me to stay. In the end, I was there until my DH finished work at 6.30pm at their request. All they offered me was one cup of coffee and an oat cake! By the time DH arrived I was shaking from hunger and exhaustion.

At any other time in my life, I’d have advocated for myself and left when I wanted to but I now realise I was struggling with PPD and was incredibly vulnerable.

I guess it’s how your brought up. My parents would offer tea and biscuits and food , my in-laws liked doing us dinner. Most friends offer a tea or something like that. Not really had any bad experiences, but I know someone who refused to make the plumber a tea and he was there for days putting in a boiler. He had to bring his own tea ( probably a whole different thread there )
I think it’s only polite, but people are strange and don’t think about it or maybe can’t afford the extras to offer people.

My SIL and her husband. Them having enjoyed several Christmases at ours over the years with plentiful food and drink, on one occasion we broke our journey at theirs for dinner. They’d bought a half shoulder of lamb - for five adults. Didn’t cook it nearly long enough so what there was was not easy to eat at all. About ten roast potatoes of which SIL’s husband took four. I ended up with one piece and a few scraps. Meagre veg. No pudding. We had bought them a gift of some gorgeous cheese and crackers which they ended up getting out of the fridge to serve.

For a number of unrelated reasons we’ve been no contact for over ten years.

We would go to visit my actually very nice stepdaughter for a few days, staying in a hotel, and if we went to her house during the day she would offer us a drink but never any food, even at lunchtime. To be fair she doesn't really eat much herself, and she just used to give the children some crisps or something, but it got so that I would have to be the wicked stepmother and suggest we went back to the hotel just so that we could get something to eat!

Things are a LOT better now - for a couple of years I wasn't well enough to make the 6 hour journey and her dad went on his own. She offered him a sandwich for lunch and now when we go there we will both have a sandwich. That's all we need - and sometimes we will pick something up from the supermarket for everybody and take that over.

That is not only awful of them but incredibly bizarre! Why do you think they did that?

I'm lucky most of my friends are feeders like me but as a veggie I've had some hosts reluctant to go out of their way....fortunately I always bring a veggie option to dinner parties anyway to minimise embarrassment!
I do think for short visits people seem obsessed with being fed and hydrated though!

Yes, for very short visits and journeys I don't expect anything and will often refuse a cup of tea etc, although I do always offer one myself.

I agree it is totally different if people are in financial struggles. That's never been the case for me or many others I've heard about, and often is exactly the opposite! The friends I mentioned were far from skint, dual-income household, mortgage paid off etc etc.

I admit that taking food to someone else’s place didn’t occur to me on my teens / 20s and I was pulled up on it. We didn’t go to many gatherings when I was little and I didn’t know it was polite to take food and drinks along. I suppose people would say I was rude but I honestly didn’t know. I do it now, but cringe about my past with things like that. Probably because I was brought up quite poor and not much money around.

My father in law 😬Will drive 7 hours to see them. No hint of a coffee or tea until I reluctantly put the coffee on. Then I get a patronising "Oh well done" when I bring him a cup of tea 😬😡

I find some of the most hospitality oriented hosts are weirdly the least accommodating and expect things to go exactly their way. There are times you ‘only’ get a cup of tea and a biccies and have the most fun few hours, other hosts lay on the best spread etc but everything is to a timescale, and there’s no flexibility at all

I honestly don’t get why your friend changing the plans affected your friendship op

No, I agree you didn’t have the best hospitality op. I guess it my musings that some people don’t offer things because they don’t have it around or can’t afford it. but it’s clearly not the case here!

Back a few decades. A woman I met at uni invited me round for the evening which involved a long journey on public transport on a freezing cold February night. I had a bottle of wine in my bag, assuming some after dinner nibbles or fruit, cheese, what have you. There was no heating on so I had to sit in my coat. My host explained that as her lodgers were away she was economising so presumably its ok to allow your guest to freeze.. After about half an hour (and being offered nothing) I asked for a cup of coffee, assuming nibbles would accompany it. She made me a cup of watery coffee apologising that she "didnt even have a biscuit" in. I asked, rather pointedly "Have I come on the wrong night?" but she assured me I was expected. After about 11/2 hours I left with the bottle of wine still in my bag. I hailed a cab for the journey home. Next time she suggested a meeting I declined.

If I invited someone for the evening I would assume they had eaten dinner but provide something like fruit, cheese. cake and other after dinner nibbles. I would also make sure my home was warm enough for guests on a cold night.

Left our home early in the morning to travel over 200 miles to visit a family member at their request, arrived mid morning, no offer of a drink, no lunch, nada. At one one o'clock i told them we were leaving and why, they kept saying "but we are having takeaway for dinner" We left and drove the near 5 hours home. I have never spoken to them again.

Do you not?

I'd driven a fairly long way, (I know it was a doable journey but it was hardly 'around the corner' territory) with the expectation of a nice day out, had taken a change of clothes for going out, hadn't taken any food or drink with me for this same reason, and now things had changed and I was expected to sit around from lunchtime until bed time watching their choice of TV program (I very seldom watch TV which they're aware of) and had to go out to buy myself some wine and some food for the day, rather than find a nice place to eat in town. I don't drink during the day either (exception of weddings etc) It was a total change of plan that I, a guest was not privy to. I'd never do that to someone.

At the very least I would've expected a call to say 'We've decided we're just going to stay in tomorrow now, is that okay?' So that I could make an informed decision.

I consider myself to be a terrible host but even I offer tea/coffee/water. Usually followed by ‘hang on, I just need to go out and get milk’ (I don’t take it so rarely have it in).

I suspect they just wanted to see DD and weren’t really bothered about me. It was a long time before I took them up on any offers of babysitting and visits for a while were only with DH.

I haev a good friend I love very much. But a few years ago I was completely bemused to turn up, after a long drive, at her house with DS. He was about 5 at the time. We were there for a very specific reason that basically involved us helping her with something an the plan was to have an early supper before I drove back again.

She had two teenage boys and a DH. So 6 of us for supper. She served 6 small chicken thighs, a spoonful of green beans each and a couple of new pototoes.

DS and I stopped at a McDonalds on the way home!

It turns out her DH was on a strict diet and she was was trying to be supporive, but it was too little food even for my 5 year old! They emigrated a few years ago but I did laugh when they came round while visiting once and didn't even bring a bottle of wine. But I didn't mind - as I said, she's an amazing friend so the oddness of this particular thing when it's hardly ever how we get together, doesn't bother me. It probably would if we lived near by and saw each othe ra lot.

Arniesaxe

Do you not?
I'd driven a fairly long way, (I know it was a doable journey but it was hardly 'around the corner' territory) with the expectation of a nice day out, had taken a change of clothes for going out, hadn't taken any food or drink with me for this same reason, and now things had changed and I was expected to sit around from lunchtime until bed time watching their choice of TV program (I very seldom watch TV which they're aware of) and had to go out to buy myself some wine and some food for the day, rather than find a nice place to eat in town. I don't drink during the day either (exception of weddings etc) It was a total change of plan that I, a guest was not privy to. I'd never do that to someone.
At the very least I would've expected a call to say 'We've decided we're just going to stay in tomorrow now, is that okay?' So that I could make an informed decision.

Basically they knew you wouldn’t come. It probably wasn’t right for them to not tell you the new plans but maybe they were exhausted and just wanted to see you. I don’t think something like this should change a whole friendship and you could have had a lovely day still. Changes of plans can make a better day, especially if you weren’t expecting to have a good day

It was a bit 'straw that broke the camel's back' to be fair. Other things had gone on that I had found not conducive to a two-sided relationship. That day they were too engaged in their TV and getting drunk to pay me any mind really. I couldn't really 'have a lovely day' just sitting about doing nothing watching two people get drunk, it is just not me. It was something I did with friends during lockdown when there were no other options.

But I would've still visited, just not been under the expectations that we were going to do something. I spoke to one of them about it afterwards and he blamed the change of plans on her, saying he didnt think to let me know.

Drove 3 hours with small children to see my father and his partner- at their insistence. They brought out 2 lovely cream cakes and ate them in front of us. We are a packed lunch I had in the car. Then they complained we don’t come often enough …