Friend from my group keeps copying me and putting me down - sorry it is long!

[PippaRamadge]

I’ve been friends with a woman in a wider group setting for 10 years. We have a shared hobby - knitting if you must know 😆.
We have been in a WhatsApp group with 12 women since Covid. It’s a very active WhatsApp group and until recently we probably only met once a quarter or less in person despite talking every day on our phones.

One of them is quite negative but I thought nice enough to pass the time with in a pub whilst waiting for everyone else to arrive.
However I’ve been forced to become close to her by virtue of having a baby in the same academic year and living 2 streets away.
Mine born in the September and her baby born the following August.

Since then (and she has every right to) she has:

• Joined the local mum and baby group I set up.
• Started all of the same baby classes as me (and gone on about why they are better at the different time she does, compared to me/better for younger babies/better if you drive than go by foot/basically better if she does it)
• Taken up a plot on the allotment I’ve been on for 15 years (and said how and why her plot is better than mine)
• Put her daughter in the same nursery as my child, despite at first saying it was “grotty and working class” and then finding all the others nurseries full and having to “resort” to our nursery - where btw my child is very happy and thriving.
• Booked herself onto my other hobbies - hobbies she didn’t previously share.
• Booked herself in with my hairdresser, eyebrow woman and massage therapist.
• Bought loads of the stuff I have bought for our house.
• Applied for a job at my workplace - I would be her head of department.
• Said I shouldn’t be upset about being a victim of a crime and I was making our area look bad.

Other things:

• Slagged off my child’s hair - good luck doing your daughter’s hair when she’s 20 months and running around the house.
• Slagged off my child’s nursery clothes, nope I’m not giving her Organic Zoo clothes to spill ravioli or paint down.
• Slagged off nearly everyone in our mum and baby group.
• Slagged off my child for saying the shortened version of a word they have learned.
• Slagged off the positioning of my house on my road 🤯
• Told me that the days she’s going to return to work are “better thought out” than the days I work.
• Told people she “knows my dogs better” than me.
• Told people that I don’t in fact hold the degrees that I do. My education has no impact whatsoever on my working life, so her saying that doesn’t actually cause any issues it just makes me look like a liar and I JUST DON’T GET IT.

She is pivotal to my knitting group and I have some very close friends in that group but they have NO idea she is like this because they aren’t subjected to spending time with her ALL THE TIME.

All my peace and tiny bits of “me time” are either taken up with her being there or me feeling tense fearing she will turn up somewhere I am.

Now I don’t feel like I can do to my allotment because she’s always texting to comment on my fucking weeds, meaning she has let herself through a gate and into my plot for a look around.

I don’t want to leave these baby groups because 1. I set some of them up 2. I really enjoy them and so does my child. 3. They were pivotal in helping me deal with post natal anxiety and do the same for other women that I like to support.
But she fills me with an overwhelming sense of dread.

I’m absolutely exhausted by her constantly telling me why her and her child are better than me an my child. I’m having a rough time at work and with my wider family, which is causing depression so I’m probably letting this overwhelm me more than I would before I had a baby but truthfully I’m struggling.

This evening I took my child for one last go on the roundabout in the park close to our house. She turned up and proceeded to tell me I was wrong for getting on the roundabout with my child. Blah blah fucking blah.
Even if I don’t invite her around me she just shows up and tells me why I’m wrong.

Call her the fuck out. Just say oh Jane I know you're far superior in every way so let's move on yeah?

OMG. That is truly awful.

How do you currently respond to this?

I would not judge if you went nuclear/let a heard of slugs loose among her courgettes/taught her child a Very Rude Word.

I suspect the sensible answer to all this is to have a single stock reply that you repeat in every instance. "fuck off" is tempting. I am sure others will come along with something more subtle.

She takes a LOT of your headspace up doesn’t she!

Clearly copying you. Start messing and say you're going to Disney, joining a gym, buying a motorbike etc. Bankrupt her slowly 😆.

In all seriousness though, stop telling her stuff, keep away from her and cosy up with others in the groups.

I think you just have to call her out. You don't have to be rude. Just say 'OK. I disagree. Let's move on.' Repeat every time. She will get bored eventually. She is probably jealous in some weird way.

You should try to take great enjoyment in her criticism- eye contact as you go tound and round the roundabout, pushing it to go faster etc but also give her zero information about your life.

1. Don’t tell her stuff. She can’t copy you if she doesn’t know where you’re going / who does your hair / which hobbies you take up
2. block her number on text so you can’t see when she messages you. Or just ignore.
3. She says unkind stuff - say … Jane, that’s not acceptable, please stop saying such ghings 4);She tells lies about your qualifications ? Say … Jane, I don’t know why you think it’s any of your business but actually, you’re completely wrong.
4. Jane, I’m not interested in your opinions
5. Jane, if you can’t say anything positive, please say nothing.

Etc.

You are allowing her way too much headspace. I think you need to change the way you respond to her, and learn some new strategies that enable you to ignore her.

Agree with this! She sounds like a jealous, irritating bore!

Sounds deeply insecure.

Has she made contact with your partner? Or family?

If you have social media of any kind you need to lock her out of it.

God, she sounds awful!

What exactly did she say about you not having the degree you have and to who? That is so strange!

She sounds insufferable but also like she’s incredibly insecure and trying to essentially be you. She’s basically trying to emulate your life but the only way she can make herself feel like she’s managing it is by making negative comments to you.

Honestly I think you have two options: just completely mentally switch off from it all, disassociate from anything she says, just smile and nod and say very bland things or just laugh at it all; or you tell her she’s a raging knob and to stop contacting you.

I suggest the former if you don’t want to burn bridges or feel like it would have wider social implications. If you can try to shift your perspective to finding what she says humorous, it can help, and treat everything she says like she’s made a joke. And also a dose of feeling sorry for her because how miserable must being inside her head be?!

Don’t bite, seems she’s looking for an argument. Just take the wind out of her sails.

Baby class times - ‘oh that sounds like it’s really working out for you’!

Allotment - ‘I’m so glad you’re enjoying your plot’

Hair - ‘oh bless her’

Clothes - ‘haha, yes she’s going through her boho stage’

Slagging off people - ‘oh, I’ve not had that experience, anyway, I must get off’

Slagging off children - ‘they’re so cute at that age aren’t they’

House position - ‘what an interesting point of view’

Days off - ‘sounds like a perfect set up for your family’

Dogs - ‘what a skill! Have you thought about going into dog training?

Not sure what you can say about your qualifications if it’s not in front of you, but people have obviously brought it up with you. I’d just make a joke about it and say something like, ‘that’s an odd thing for her to say, she can’t have been on the examining board then!’

Ive known people like this and my usual response is to say, ‘oh, ok’, and then change the subject. I’ve found they soon get bored if you don’t engage.

What do you say when she says these things? If you call them out every time then I doubt she’ll keep doing it.

Oh and also look into the Let Them theory. This is the perfect use case for it!

Oh my god op! You poor thing. This is the young mum version of single white female.

Have a very minor version of that going on too but yours is 100 times worse.

"To each his own"
"Ah well, we'll have to agree to disagree"
"Wouldn't it be boring if we were all the same"

on a loop. In the blandest tone you can manage. And don't give it any thought.

I would screenshot every single negative message, paste them into an animated slideshow, publish it to YouTube video with Britney Spears “Toxic” as the background music, and then block her. If anyone asks why just send them a link.

I'd look at her for a moment and simply say, 'Right' or 'Ok' to whatever she said. You could always say, 'Whatever,' if you wanted to be really teenagey and passive aggressive.

I just wouldn't give her any headspace.

Just tell her to shut the fuck up, she won't bother you again.

Keep that list on a piece of paper in your pocket. Openly add to it when she criticises you or makes another unfavourable comparison. Every time your list gets to another multiple of 10 treat yourself to something nice to congratulate yourself on tolerating her.

And when she or anyone else asks about it, tell them ;)

She turned up and proceeded to tell me I was wrong for getting on the roundabout

Some choice responses might include,

"Oh do shut up"
"Give it a rest"
"Thanks, I am not interested in your opinion"

Or you could always go retro and land her with a mean girls, "Why are you so obsessed with me?"

No suggestions just sympathy. She sounds deeply insecure but I doubt that makes her any less annoying. Is there any hope your kids will end up in different schools at least?

OMG sounds awful. I would nod and smile -
have non committal responses
Yep
nope
ok then
hmm
most be getting on
okey Dokey

try to reduce the contact she has with you. Don’t walk to nursery with her
put on head phones when you see her.
avoid at baby groups

she wants to be you.
never ever leave your child with her
don’t ever let her in your home
don’t hire her - and let your boss know the unfortunate situation where she is effectively stalking you and spread a lie about your qualification

be firm about calling her out on any lies that could affect your career.

She’s really encroaching on your space but in a very competitive way. She sounds exhausting. As PP have said, I think you need to shut her down, so don’t reply to her messages. If she says something negative respond with “I’m happy with my choice”. If she says something about your allotment then “Don’t go into my allotment without me please”.
It’s hard but I think you need to cut back on engagement with her and don’t expend your energy on her.

I would “confide” in her that someone has informed you that there’s a total and utter crank going around shitstirring about you, lying to people about your degrees.

Tell her that this person won’t tell you who it is, but they’ve said you don’t need to worry because everyone thinks she’s a toxic nutter and nobody believes her.