Friend from my group keeps copying me and putting me down - sorry it is long!

[PippaRamadge]

I’ve been friends with a woman in a wider group setting for 10 years. We have a shared hobby - knitting if you must know 😆.
We have been in a WhatsApp group with 12 women since Covid. It’s a very active WhatsApp group and until recently we probably only met once a quarter or less in person despite talking every day on our phones.

One of them is quite negative but I thought nice enough to pass the time with in a pub whilst waiting for everyone else to arrive.
However I’ve been forced to become close to her by virtue of having a baby in the same academic year and living 2 streets away.
Mine born in the September and her baby born the following August.

Since then (and she has every right to) she has:

• Joined the local mum and baby group I set up.
• Started all of the same baby classes as me (and gone on about why they are better at the different time she does, compared to me/better for younger babies/better if you drive than go by foot/basically better if she does it)
• Taken up a plot on the allotment I’ve been on for 15 years (and said how and why her plot is better than mine)
• Put her daughter in the same nursery as my child, despite at first saying it was “grotty and working class” and then finding all the others nurseries full and having to “resort” to our nursery - where btw my child is very happy and thriving.
• Booked herself onto my other hobbies - hobbies she didn’t previously share.
• Booked herself in with my hairdresser, eyebrow woman and massage therapist.
• Bought loads of the stuff I have bought for our house.
• Applied for a job at my workplace - I would be her head of department.
• Said I shouldn’t be upset about being a victim of a crime and I was making our area look bad.

Other things:

• Slagged off my child’s hair - good luck doing your daughter’s hair when she’s 20 months and running around the house.
• Slagged off my child’s nursery clothes, nope I’m not giving her Organic Zoo clothes to spill ravioli or paint down.
• Slagged off nearly everyone in our mum and baby group.
• Slagged off my child for saying the shortened version of a word they have learned.
• Slagged off the positioning of my house on my road 🤯
• Told me that the days she’s going to return to work are “better thought out” than the days I work.
• Told people she “knows my dogs better” than me.
• Told people that I don’t in fact hold the degrees that I do. My education has no impact whatsoever on my working life, so her saying that doesn’t actually cause any issues it just makes me look like a liar and I JUST DON’T GET IT.

She is pivotal to my knitting group and I have some very close friends in that group but they have NO idea she is like this because they aren’t subjected to spending time with her ALL THE TIME.

All my peace and tiny bits of “me time” are either taken up with her being there or me feeling tense fearing she will turn up somewhere I am.

Now I don’t feel like I can do to my allotment because she’s always texting to comment on my fucking weeds, meaning she has let herself through a gate and into my plot for a look around.

I don’t want to leave these baby groups because 1. I set some of them up 2. I really enjoy them and so does my child. 3. They were pivotal in helping me deal with post natal anxiety and do the same for other women that I like to support.
But she fills me with an overwhelming sense of dread.

I’m absolutely exhausted by her constantly telling me why her and her child are better than me an my child. I’m having a rough time at work and with my wider family, which is causing depression so I’m probably letting this overwhelm me more than I would before I had a baby but truthfully I’m struggling.

This evening I took my child for one last go on the roundabout in the park close to our house. She turned up and proceeded to tell me I was wrong for getting on the roundabout with my child. Blah blah fucking blah.
Even if I don’t invite her around me she just shows up and tells me why I’m wrong.

IMO she’s definitely jealous in some weird, twisted way, otherwise she wouldn’t be copying everything.

As regards telling blatant lies, e.g. about your degrees, I’d certainly pull her up very sharply about that! Preferably in front of others! But if that’s not possible, I’d say something like, ‘I don’t know why you’re telling such lies about me, but it needs to stop NOW - and you need to tell whoever you’ve lied to that you were mistaken. Or I shall have to tell them that for some bizarre reason of your own, you have lied about me,’

This is good advice.

She may be doing what she’s doing consciously or subconsciously but it is to provoke response (some people who are neglected as children develop this behavior as a trauma response to get any attention whatsoever, some people are just deliberately twattish).

But on the job, you alert HR/the recruiting manager and say you wouldn’t recommend her as she has a history of untruthful. You protect your workspace.

Call it out, it's too much now.
Hi too close lady, I'm finding your constant stream of comments too much and unwelcome. Can you tone it down and maybe keep them to yourself, I don't need that level of advice. Thanks.

For all the criticisms, she loves copying you.

I would laugh out loud and say ‘Thanks for the compliment!’

Do not let her upset you anymore. Take it as a huge compliment and ignore that loser that doesn’t have any of her own ideas.

(and don’t for one second think people like her, those desperado vibes come out through peoples pores and that’s what you are picking up on. I’d say everyone else hates her too)

If she mentions your garden/allotment again reply, ‘feel free to take photos of it for your instagram!’

Up your own craziness. UNO reverse.

That ‘blah blah fucking blah’ thing you did?

Say exactly that to her next time she starts at you. Call it out directly. Life is too short to have someone steal
your peace.

And 100% say it in a group setting when she tries to belittle you. Fuck it. Who cares what the other people think? Call her out, completely. Tell her she’s gone full single white female and call her out on all the points you’ve made above. Speak to your knitting friends one by one and explain what she is like to them. You’ll know who your real friends are once you’ve done so.

I loathe people who stand on the shoulders of others just to make themselves feel bigger.

I’d say she is in op’s face a LOT wouldn’t you .

I'd use some 'did you mean for that to sound... rude / snobby / unkind / judgemental / superior' to reflect back to her how some of the things she says sound. I'd pop a lock on the allotment gate and for everything else I'd say 'it must be hard always seeing the negative side, I'm so glad I don't feel like you do about that'.

I agree . I’d be calling her out every time .

Yes, also this - absolutely!

100% this. Never get sucked into the details / content. Just note what the behaviour is not the words. Have the same response every time - means you don’t have to think each time. It could be anything from silence, grey rock / vanilla response, killing her with kindness, laughter, eye role or a fuck off - pick a lane that suits you and stick with it. She likes having you on high alert and unsettling you. My sister is the same - I did grey rock / information diet / ignoring - I don’t give the emotional energy this vampire is craving. With my sister it has worked - she has zero access to my life info or emotions so she has sloped off. She did however overstep recently about a family funeral and I sent a calm text to say - this is unacceptable, you do not speak for me, please rectify it - she exploded into a narc rage and has flounced and blocked me (result) but I am not interested in triggering her as I will loose as conflict is her forte.

However - you need to take your career situation very very seriously - she is coming for you - document everything and bring it to HR verbally

which is understandable given that she's consistently in op's life

When it comes to schools, I agree with PP. Do not mention any.

In fact go one step further and tell her you’ll be homeschooling, or sending to really expensive boarding school out of the area.

If she turns up at your home uninvited, just ask if it had been previously arranged. When she says no, just say, “oh good. I thought I was going mad. Thanks for knocking but I’m busy. You’d be better off calling first in future.”

Whenever she starts with the oneupmanship, just yawn and say, “well, that’s one view. Obviously I disagree.”

I’ve found sticking with the exact same responses works well with people like that. They soon realise you have no interest in their opinions and aren’t inclined to put any thought into conversations with them. They get bored and a bit embarrassed.

'No, it doesn't'
'No, I don't'

Put her straight but as directly and briefly as possible. So for the allotment comments, say 'No, it isn't' but resist the temptation to justify what you do and why it looks like it does. That looks like it's up for discussion. She's wrong and you disagree with her. Say so.

She sounds horrendous. You need to go on an information and communication shut down with her. Stop sharing so much info in the groups. When she arrives at the park, you leave. When she messages, you ignore. I would also choose a few people to strategically tell what's happening the problems you're having with her. Also tell your workplace. Do not let her con her way into there. Tell them she is basically low-level stalking you in every part of your life. Do not get sucked into thinking you have to be polite to her. Ignoring her is the best way. There's something profoundly wrong with her.

Ah the classic covert narcissist. I feel for you, OP. I've encountered a few of them. One went too far, and I confronted her, and she played the victim and I lost my mutual friend group as a result. In another friendship I used the slow fade until she gave up on me.

The sad fact is that if others in the knitting group aren't witnessing this kind of envy and bullying, you might end up losing them too when you extricate yourself. But it's worth it to get people like this out of your life. Obviously the work situation isn't so easy to solve. I would suggest talking to someone in HR about what has been happening before they make a job offer.

There will be an semi-official allotment 'committee' made up of long-standing allotment holders who like to enforce the Rules, and some of whom are probably there every day at various times. Mention to a couple of them that you think someone has been going onto your plot when you're not there. Ask them whether this is allowed. They will take great umbrage on your behalf, and read her the riot act if they see her doing it.

Your only option is to poo on whatever she's most proud of in her allotment.

Your life sounds lovely btw. Sorry about this horrible woman. I do hope it catches up with her and others realise what a vile personality she is.

You can let it get to you.

Or you could start to have a lot of fun with this.. 😈

So sorry, OP. She’s no friend (although I’m sure you know that). She’s a bitch.

My only worry is that could cause the plant in her allotment to thrive?! Don’t plants respond quite well to poo? Lol.

I’d say don’t respond like that, she’s getting a dopamine hit saying the horrid thing and she will get an other one if op bites. Pause and ask her to say it again and do not defend or counter what she’s saying. She’s doing it because it feels nice , cut that off.

If you don't want to have the conversation with her, just block her on socials and block her number. If she turns up just say 'sorry I am busy now' and shut the door - she will get the message.
But I would just tell her upfront that she is intense and rude and you don't appreciate the comments about your children etc.

She sounds deeply unhappy, the death of her partner may have triggered all this. She maybe sees you and your life as something that would make her feel better but at the same time deeply envies you because you are living it and not her.

If it was just the copying that would be irritating (I've had that happen and I've just done the "information diet" and waited it out until the person gets bored and fixated on someone else). But it sounds like she resents you for being/having what she wants and thinks if she had your life she would appreciate it more and live it better, hence the criticism. It's almost like she wants you to climb out of your skin so she can climb in and be you which is quite chilling.

You absolutely have to shut down her getting a job at your firm.

For the rest of the stuff I'd just cheerfully retort "It's just as well that your opinion is neither desired nor required". I say that to my husband occasionally if he's getting a bit pompous and veering towards mansplaining. Soon shuts him up.

I have a relative like this in my life. Whenever I have to be around them (which isn’t much, luckily) I am always very upbeat, happy, smiling. It annoys the f*$k out of her because people like that tend to want to bring you down.

I have no idea if it’s a self-esteem issue or they’re just awful people who wish others were doing or feeling more poorly than them.