Friend from my group keeps copying me and putting me down - sorry it is long!

[PippaRamadge]

I’ve been friends with a woman in a wider group setting for 10 years. We have a shared hobby - knitting if you must know 😆.
We have been in a WhatsApp group with 12 women since Covid. It’s a very active WhatsApp group and until recently we probably only met once a quarter or less in person despite talking every day on our phones.

One of them is quite negative but I thought nice enough to pass the time with in a pub whilst waiting for everyone else to arrive.
However I’ve been forced to become close to her by virtue of having a baby in the same academic year and living 2 streets away.
Mine born in the September and her baby born the following August.

Since then (and she has every right to) she has:

• Joined the local mum and baby group I set up.
• Started all of the same baby classes as me (and gone on about why they are better at the different time she does, compared to me/better for younger babies/better if you drive than go by foot/basically better if she does it)
• Taken up a plot on the allotment I’ve been on for 15 years (and said how and why her plot is better than mine)
• Put her daughter in the same nursery as my child, despite at first saying it was “grotty and working class” and then finding all the others nurseries full and having to “resort” to our nursery - where btw my child is very happy and thriving.
• Booked herself onto my other hobbies - hobbies she didn’t previously share.
• Booked herself in with my hairdresser, eyebrow woman and massage therapist.
• Bought loads of the stuff I have bought for our house.
• Applied for a job at my workplace - I would be her head of department.
• Said I shouldn’t be upset about being a victim of a crime and I was making our area look bad.

Other things:

• Slagged off my child’s hair - good luck doing your daughter’s hair when she’s 20 months and running around the house.
• Slagged off my child’s nursery clothes, nope I’m not giving her Organic Zoo clothes to spill ravioli or paint down.
• Slagged off nearly everyone in our mum and baby group.
• Slagged off my child for saying the shortened version of a word they have learned.
• Slagged off the positioning of my house on my road 🤯
• Told me that the days she’s going to return to work are “better thought out” than the days I work.
• Told people she “knows my dogs better” than me.
• Told people that I don’t in fact hold the degrees that I do. My education has no impact whatsoever on my working life, so her saying that doesn’t actually cause any issues it just makes me look like a liar and I JUST DON’T GET IT.

She is pivotal to my knitting group and I have some very close friends in that group but they have NO idea she is like this because they aren’t subjected to spending time with her ALL THE TIME.

All my peace and tiny bits of “me time” are either taken up with her being there or me feeling tense fearing she will turn up somewhere I am.

Now I don’t feel like I can do to my allotment because she’s always texting to comment on my fucking weeds, meaning she has let herself through a gate and into my plot for a look around.

I don’t want to leave these baby groups because 1. I set some of them up 2. I really enjoy them and so does my child. 3. They were pivotal in helping me deal with post natal anxiety and do the same for other women that I like to support.
But she fills me with an overwhelming sense of dread.

I’m absolutely exhausted by her constantly telling me why her and her child are better than me an my child. I’m having a rough time at work and with my wider family, which is causing depression so I’m probably letting this overwhelm me more than I would before I had a baby but truthfully I’m struggling.

This evening I took my child for one last go on the roundabout in the park close to our house. She turned up and proceeded to tell me I was wrong for getting on the roundabout with my child. Blah blah fucking blah.
Even if I don’t invite her around me she just shows up and tells me why I’m wrong.

1. tell her less about your life
2. put her on facebook 'restricted' settings so you remain friends but she doesn't see what you are up to. Do similar for other socials.
3. find other groups / supplilers you can use and don't tell her
4. tell the rest of the knitting group!

When someone is like this I see absolutely no benefit in being polite. You can’t freeze her out but she is making your life a misery. You are completely within your rights to tell her, bluntly, to back off.

“You seem to feel comfortable criticising every single aspect of my life. I have not asked for your opinion and you are being rude by giving it. Please keep your thoughts to yourself.”

I would also try to do some reputational protection with your mutual acquaintances and friends and make them aware of her behaviour.

@PippaRamadge
I mean this kindly, shes getting away with it because you're letting her.

Shes being absolutely awful and politeness is stopping you from dealing with it appropriately.

Never mind all the clever replies the op's are supplying you with on this thread.

In your position I would be as forward as your "friend" is and tell her straight.
I'd wait for the next comment to give me an "in"

"Janet, I really dont understand why you constantly have to make digs at me but it stops now, I've had enough and I no longer want to be friends"

If she challenges you tell her you are not prepared to discuss it, you stand by your previous statement and it's over.
If you can't do it face to face text her.

You are past the point of being polite, she's not polite to you and she's not your friend.

If she tells your joint friends explain to them what you wrote in your OP.

Be strong 💪 dont put up with it anymore, you don't deserve this treatment. ❤️

.

Jesus she sounds a bit unhinged!

For starters if she messages you separately about anything just give her a thumbs up or ignore. If she chases for a response just say ‘got a lot going on’ or something equally non-commital.

If she asks for recommendations on hairdressers say just say you don’t have a favourite, you just go where there’s an appointment. Again non-commital.

If you have the power to reject her application for a job without consulting anyone else then do it. If she asks say it’s not something in your control it’s dealt with by HR.

Just slowly slowly reduce engagement basically. If she turns up at the park/allotment etc criticising just say bland stuff like ‘we’re having fun/I’m a bit busy/need to get on and just ignore her.

I can see why it’s bothering you though, she sounds very hardwork and enmeshed in your life!

Can she see your house from hers? Sounds really creepy and like she is following you. Tell her nothing, walk away when she approaches you or use your phone. Use the phrase “everyone’s different” when she makes a remark.

"You always seem so negative and pent up (insert friends name). Everything ok at home?"
I can't stand people like her. They're like dementors, changing the rooms atmosphere with their shitty comments. My husbands friend is like it. He's an only child and no matter what you say or do he's done it ten times better or 5yrs before you. Insufferable. I told him to stfu once when he was constantly trying to outdo my husbands achievements at work with his one-upping as he was annoying me that much.

Surely there are other people at these groups. You don’t need to spend time one on one with her. Stop focusing so heavily on her. Spend time chatting to the other people,

I wonder if she’s maybe become the focus of your unhappiness right now‎. For example do you live in a major city where going to the same groups would be weird.

“Why are you always trying to put me down? It’s getting a bit tiresome.”:every single fucking time.

OP I really feel for you. I had a friend like that but on a much smaller scale. People like that suck the joy from life and make you feel bad about yourself. I went NC with her, but that was easier to do because we didn’t live near each other.

I mean stop tell her your business for one.

My best asdvice is do not even breathe a HINT on schools. To anyone.
Say FUCK ALL. dont discuss tours. Dont share your opinions. Act as if you are barely aware.

And do not do it with ANYONE in case she goes digging an someone else tells her.

On a practical note.
Short answers and move away.

Eg arrive a t playground dhe says hi you say hi. Excuse me I need to hang my coat" then do anything apart from talk to her
She comes to find you. You ask her hoe are things and listen "distractedly" and say you are just going to check on your dd

And so it goes on

Leave her on read/unread.
Dont initiate any contact.

At the allotment if you see her explain its your down time and you knwo she understands and you judt want to do your own thing.
If she keeps talking just give tight smiles until she fucks off.

I think you need a range of stock phrases to reply to her

”….And…?”

”What are you really saying?”

”Why on earth do you think that?”

”So…”

”Oh that doesn’t work for me”

or

“Are you ok?”

”Is everything ok at home?”

”You must be really unhappy”

You really need to think about what you say because you are coming across as a little unhinged”

“Have you thought that you might have PND?”

You could always tell people what she really thinks of them and ask them for what she thinks of you.

I am in awe of proper knitters. Such an amazing skill.
Next time she Whatsapps something nasty, Whatsapp in a group saying - this is rude. Enough. Do it every time when she is rude, in the same Whatsapp group, every time.

She's constantly criticising you, telling lies sbout you, trespassing, but you're polite to her? Call her out on her behaviour, tell her to keep her opinion to herself and tell recruitment about her negativity and telling lies. I don't get you are being so passive.

"Fuck off" is a complete sentence.

You need to tell her. Allotment situation “I haven’t given you permission to go in there and I can see for myself thank you”. Your friend sounds jealous of your life. Im presuming you were good friends and now she is to much. I had a friend with jealousy issues mostly around money/job/children she didn’t join in though but would criticise or the odd nasty comment even to do with my children. In the end I stepped back quietly but I had done distance. This is obviously tricky as you live near each other. I would still make changes to some of the things you attend and strip telling her. Definitely restrict your social media too.

With such people l trot out the sentence, when l want an opinion, l will ask for one. It usually stops them in their tracks and on a few occasions l don’t see them again.

Good god, “Susan can you just stop please? Your getting me down with the way you go on at me all the time. Stop going on my allotment and stop tryinr to be a carbon copy of me it’s weird.”

I agree. She's like a stalker. Can she somehow see your location, for her to be turning up to places you are?

The degree thing is probably because it's one thing you've got she's not able to get herself. What a nutter

Don't feed her madness. Give her no information to play with. Lock on the allotment gate. Grey rock all the way. Don't agree to meet, you are busy. If she starts, tell her you're not interested in her opinion. She sounds like a nutcase, but if she's getting nothing from you she'll move on.

Oh yes, and a quiet word to HR to make sure she doesn't land in your workplace.

I’d use a tact and it really works, which is to agree with them in one sentence.
Thats so useful to know that I bought a house in the wrong place.
Yes, you’re right, I do dress my child in rubbish outfits. That’s useful to know.
I totally agree you have chosen excellent days to work, more fool me for working the days/hours I do.
Thanks for pointing out that Susan is so unpleasant, I hadn’t noticed until you pointed it out.
etc etc
she will have nowhere to go with it and start to feel stupid. Don’t continue the conversation after your one line agreement, say it and walk away.

I'd be concerned about her working in the same place as you if she claims you don't have the degrees/qualifications that you do have. She could cause you real damage.

Otherwise she sounds like an 'Amandaland' character they haven't got round to introducing yet. An utter pita who needs stopping in her tracks.

I can see why this woman continues to behave like this. It’s the way her brain thinks and processes and she has no idea it’s bothering you as you keep on chatting to her. Why would she understand it’s annoying you when you do that?

I suppose none of know why she is doing this, but my guess is she’s got poor social skills, her brain is wired this way to constantly compare and she genuinely doesn’t realise it’s rude to do this. You keep talking and chattting to her so she thinks you are good friends.

Your reply of ‘Thats an interesting way to see it’. Just makes it sound like you are having a normal conversation rather than you are offended. She won’t realise what you are trying to communicate. I’m not sure even I would.

You have two choices for handling this. Explain to her bluntly and plainly that constant negative comparisons are rude and upsetting you. Tell her every time. Hopefully this will rein her in whilst keeping a cordial relationship, being as she is in your social group. You can explain that you understand she won’t realise it’s bothering you, but it is.

Other choice, I had a negative colleague like this. It was always about other people till me day it was aimed at me. Something in me snapped and I said ‘ you can think what you like’ and walked off. The stunned expression on her face told me she had no idea how she was coming across. She even found me the next day to explain she hadn’t meant xyz by what she said. And I believed her. I think she believed we had always got on really well and I liked her. So you could do something like that, though it may make things more awkward in future.

Finally, I would not be remotely surprised if this woman has autism and that is why she doesn’t understand how her behaviour is inappropriate. My guess is she likes you, you are perhaps a bit of a special interest to her, and her behaviour is her, badly misjudged, way of showing her liking for you.

Who would be making the decision on hiring her? If you have the opportunity to give feedback then say that you would be wary of her. If you know the decision maker well then have a frank confidential discussion, they won't want to hire a trouble maker.

Gray Rock her, she sounds absolutely vile. Avoid her at all costs