Friend from my group keeps copying me and putting me down - sorry it is long!

[PippaRamadge]

I’ve been friends with a woman in a wider group setting for 10 years. We have a shared hobby - knitting if you must know 😆.
We have been in a WhatsApp group with 12 women since Covid. It’s a very active WhatsApp group and until recently we probably only met once a quarter or less in person despite talking every day on our phones.

One of them is quite negative but I thought nice enough to pass the time with in a pub whilst waiting for everyone else to arrive.
However I’ve been forced to become close to her by virtue of having a baby in the same academic year and living 2 streets away.
Mine born in the September and her baby born the following August.

Since then (and she has every right to) she has:

• Joined the local mum and baby group I set up.
• Started all of the same baby classes as me (and gone on about why they are better at the different time she does, compared to me/better for younger babies/better if you drive than go by foot/basically better if she does it)
• Taken up a plot on the allotment I’ve been on for 15 years (and said how and why her plot is better than mine)
• Put her daughter in the same nursery as my child, despite at first saying it was “grotty and working class” and then finding all the others nurseries full and having to “resort” to our nursery - where btw my child is very happy and thriving.
• Booked herself onto my other hobbies - hobbies she didn’t previously share.
• Booked herself in with my hairdresser, eyebrow woman and massage therapist.
• Bought loads of the stuff I have bought for our house.
• Applied for a job at my workplace - I would be her head of department.
• Said I shouldn’t be upset about being a victim of a crime and I was making our area look bad.

Other things:

• Slagged off my child’s hair - good luck doing your daughter’s hair when she’s 20 months and running around the house.
• Slagged off my child’s nursery clothes, nope I’m not giving her Organic Zoo clothes to spill ravioli or paint down.
• Slagged off nearly everyone in our mum and baby group.
• Slagged off my child for saying the shortened version of a word they have learned.
• Slagged off the positioning of my house on my road 🤯
• Told me that the days she’s going to return to work are “better thought out” than the days I work.
• Told people she “knows my dogs better” than me.
• Told people that I don’t in fact hold the degrees that I do. My education has no impact whatsoever on my working life, so her saying that doesn’t actually cause any issues it just makes me look like a liar and I JUST DON’T GET IT.

She is pivotal to my knitting group and I have some very close friends in that group but they have NO idea she is like this because they aren’t subjected to spending time with her ALL THE TIME.

All my peace and tiny bits of “me time” are either taken up with her being there or me feeling tense fearing she will turn up somewhere I am.

Now I don’t feel like I can do to my allotment because she’s always texting to comment on my fucking weeds, meaning she has let herself through a gate and into my plot for a look around.

I don’t want to leave these baby groups because 1. I set some of them up 2. I really enjoy them and so does my child. 3. They were pivotal in helping me deal with post natal anxiety and do the same for other women that I like to support.
But she fills me with an overwhelming sense of dread.

I’m absolutely exhausted by her constantly telling me why her and her child are better than me an my child. I’m having a rough time at work and with my wider family, which is causing depression so I’m probably letting this overwhelm me more than I would before I had a baby but truthfully I’m struggling.

This evening I took my child for one last go on the roundabout in the park close to our house. She turned up and proceeded to tell me I was wrong for getting on the roundabout with my child. Blah blah fucking blah.
Even if I don’t invite her around me she just shows up and tells me why I’m wrong.

There's a lot here but what jumped out at me is her applying for a job where you'd be her manager. Do NOT end up in that position. Go to HR, tell them this stuff and say it would be really difficult to work with her. Unless yours is a niche industry and she's super qualified for it, they won't want to take on someone who will cause them bother.

I think this is about the only thing you can do. Just be utterly uninterested in anything she has to say. Mute her on WhatsApp so her messages dont pop up and intrude on your day. And if she follows up in person just be vague and say "oh didn't spot that" .
If it's anything factually incorrect do call her out explicitly but otherwise just grey rock style without being overly rude given shes in your group

Not only strange, but slanderous.

Sounds like she is trying to Wendy you out of your own life.

Or if you are in the same mood as me tonight, not because of her...

Text her and say.

Why are you saying I dont hold the degrees i have, clearly you think you have proof otherwise, I'd love to see it!!, If you think you know my dogs better than me then feel free to come walk them twice a day. Also heard you have said xyz.....what is your problem!!?

And await silence.......

Call her out - confront her - say - I know you think we are friends, but we are not, I find the things you say to me upsetting and often offensive. I presume you don’t mean to be, but it makes me uncomfortable. Then do a long pause. She will either be so embarrassed that she will avoid you or she will stop. If she fails to stop - everytime she says something say in a loud voice ‘ that is exactly the sort of comment of yours that I was referring to’

she sounds terrible i know someone similar,get a lock on your allotment gate, think bad things about he, tell her nothing just talk about daft stuff nothing she can gain info on,the person i know like her everyone thinks the sun shines out of her bum, but i listen and pick up on all her comments, a man died called Lenny i knew him she started talking about Les dying i just said his name was Lenny, people will realise soon what she is like, hopefully she will get another victim to annoy soon, breathe and ignore her

F

This. DH and DS combined take up less of my headspace than this.

You can't work with a woman like this. It would be really awful. She'd try to get you fired so she could have your job. I'd have a word in private with HR about her.

I’ve found an interesting tactic is to say either ‘okay that’s interesting’ or ‘what an odd thing to say - are you okay?’

Yeah that would annoy me . I’d tell her to go fuck herself.

I do often say things like “that’s an interesting take, we’re happy with our choice” but she seems to be oblivious. Perhaps I’ll have to step up responses if I have to give one.

It's usually a rule that allotmenteers are not allowed into another's plot without express permission, so tell her to stay out... !
I'd utterly 'grey rock her ' on the rest... just don't respond, although as another poster said I'd be tempted to start making up a few things... you are going to start open water swimming next week aren't you? Or take up ballet or martial arts at the local centre on a tuesday... hopefully she'll sign up😂
And just keep everything private from now on even in your whatsapp group.
And tell HR!

Tell her nothing. That way she can't judge you or copy you.

I've had someone like this in my life..i dropped the rope a year ago and it's worked out brilliantly for me.
She is furious of course! 😂

I would tell her nothing, mute, block her on text. Why does she have your number?
Don’t walk anywhere with her, ear pods and ignore.

Other than when she’s trying to impugn your professional reputation with slanderous comments, ‘okey doke Jane’. To everything she says and does.
As for the former, I’d be clear in no uncertain terms how unacceptable her false claims are. And potentially actionable.

But why are you allowing this?

@PippaRamadge why haven't you blocked her on your phone?
Just because you have children the same year group doednt mean you have to be friends.
Honestly stop responding to her, don't sit near her, don't chat with her. If she sits next to you fake a call you need to answer, walk away to take it and sit down somewhere else when you return.

Don't LET her be like this to you.

She sounds insufferable. I would have lost the plot with her a long time ago.

How about "Jane, have you ever been convicted of stalking or impersonation? The baby group, the classes, the hobbies, the alloment, the hairdresser, my workplace - why do you want to be me so badly?"

Agree with everything she says. It’ll annoy the fuck out of her.

That’s brilliant for you.
it must be great being you.
You’re soooo lucky.
You have such a brilliant life.
Aren’t you amazing.

Also, no response except a hearty thumbs up - face to face or online - will piss her off too.

I have a friend who is becoming quite competitive but when she feels I’m “winning” in life she makes negative comments and makes me second guess my choices or takes the shine off things. I try not to tell her things that I know will bring out that side but she can appear angry or jealous over the most random things.

She also copies everything I do or buy but I think that’s just to show she can as she’s financially much better off.
I started lying for my own amusement with that one saying I’d bought things when I hadn’t that were pointless and expensive or clothes I’d never wear and sending a picture.

I got so fed up of her criticism after she started commenting about weight I’d lost and saying I’d lost it too easily and would regain it and it made me look older and I was becoming boring because I wasn’t drinking and going to gym.
I put my finger to my lips when she was mid rant and just said “sssshhh” like a teacher would to a child.
I didn’t plan it but she was totally taken aback and went quiet.

After that I do it whenever she starts with the negativity and just say “sssshhh Jane, don’t be a negative Nelly” or “ssshhh don’t talk nonsense” 😂.

Shes never replied or commented and usually looks surprised and embarrassed and changes the subject. She has stopped with a lot of the bitchy comments.

If you are wondering why we are friends? We have been friends for 30 years and a lot of the behaviour is very new and she’s been a very good friend in the past.
Hopefully I’ve found a way to solve it for me but I appreciate this approach might not work on everyone!

Understandably.

I’ve not read all the replies, but have seen your most recent post @PippaRamadge
This woman sounds absolutely insufferable & a tad unhinged TBH - perhaps she has a very unfulfilled, boring, stagnating in her own inability to carve out a personality for herself, type life. Which is of no help to you, sorry.
I would however, reply with a sentence you used towards the end of your opening post, “Blah, blah, fucking, BLAH” whenever she comments. With a very dramatic eye roll for extra effect, & also loudly if there is an audience. She’ll soon (hopefully) stop with the unwanted commentary & opinion, & your friendship group will see things clearly! Good luck!

"That came out sounding pretty rude. I'm quite happy with my choices and would appreciate you not making snarky comments". Rinse and repeat. Never defend the thing in question, just call out the attitude or you get sucked into a spiral of justifying yourself when the problem is actually all her. I'd call out the rudeness and also walk away each time. You're happy to have polite conversation but not if she's going to be insulting.