DH comment during night wakings

[Sosotiredandconfused]

I have a 5 month old DD who is a terrible sleeper. She'll do a 2-3 hour stretch at first and then will wake every 1-2 hours for the rest of the night. This has now been going on for 2 months. I do all of the night wakings as DP is working. He's a teacher and finds his job stressful and hard.

I'm getting to the point where I've hit a brick wall with the night wakings and am struggling to cope. I suspect I may have PND. I'm already in therapy and have an appointment booked with my GP to discuss medication, although I'm not sure if any will be compatible with co-sleeping, which I do for part of the night as the only way to get some sleep.

I am struggling to keep going with the nights and am at my wits end. I get very emotionally distressed when the baby wakes up - feeling angry and frustrated. I can't stop crying and struggle to motivate myself to do anything. To be clear none of this is directed at DD - I always leave her safe in her crib and leave the room to try and get a hold of my emotions. I don't see how I can continue to do this. DP is very reluctant to share the night load due to his job. I think we would share if I insist, but I'm worried that if I insist it will put him off having another child - he was unsure about this one.

I suspect DP thinks my reaction to the night wakings are over the top and he says I have no choice other than to just get on with it. During one waking tonight I was trying to explain how I feel - that I can't carry on anymore and have hit a brick wall. I said I felt like just walking out. I think he took that to mean permanently (I meant I just wanted to leave the house and remove myself from the situation so someone else could deal with it). He said if I left he'd have to put DD up for adoption as he wouldn't be able to cope with looking after her and working. I didn't know what to say to that so pointed out that she's a joint responsibility and not just mine, and would he put her up for adoption if I died? He said maybe if my parents couldn't help out (they live 1.5hrs away). I was very shocked and just got on with getting DD settled and told him to go back to bed.

I don't know whether to just take this as something said when emotions were high at 2am and just leave it, or bring it up again tomorrow. If I should bring it up I'm not sure how to approach it. Its made me think he sees DD as just my responsibility and has made me feel more alone and like everything is on me. It's even more surprising as he was great when he was on paternity leave - couldn't have been more supportive/ done more for us.

Any tips on getting DD to sleep/how to get through also appreciated. I feel I've tried everything - late/early bedtime, strict/relaxed routine, big bottle before bed (she's combi fed), warm room/ cool room.

Also grateful if you could go easy on my behaviour during the night wakes. I feel ashamed enough as it is and like a shit mum already.

I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. Your DD’s sleep sounds pretty standard/developmentally normal to me. I don’t think you’ve described a terrible sleeper.

Your husband should be doing some of the night wakings. He’s a not a surgeon or a pilot, nothing he’s doing the next day is harder than what you’re doing. He’s not more deserving of sleep because he works outside the home. He’s being an absolute pillock.

I don’t think not having more kids with this man would be the worst thing in the world. What he’s said to you is horrible.

I’m glad you’re getting help. I’ve often thought that what’s termed PND is just a natural human reaction to everything being a bit shit for a while. It does get better, I promise.

You have my sympathy, my son did not sleep through the night until he was 4.5 years old.
key thing is find a cranial oesto trained in babies - birth process is hard on their bodies as is teething and even health insurance sometimes pays for cranial
honestly you are both tired and stressed - I would not take what either of you say as gospel in this period.
I ended up getting a baby sitter to stay over while I slept in next room.
I do wonder if baby is hungry, speak to health nurse about introducing food during day.
when my son was about 3 I ended to putting a double bed in his room and (with barriers) putting him to sleep there each night and then I joined him. It made sense as my sleep and his sleep was less disrupted.
we also had sucess with the gentle crying method, two mins in room patting, two minutes outside of room (took 3hrs first night but less each night).

Do you co sleep? Possibly putting her in with you after the main sleep stretch would help her and you sleep better.
Don't have another child with this man though. He doesn't have normal attachment bonds with the one you have. It's not normal to feel you'd put your child up for adoption if your spouse left or died.

I think your sleep expectation is far too high for your baby , it sounds very normal . Both of mine were similar but starter to sleep a tiny bit better closer to one with the occasional terrible phase thrown in .

He sounds ridiculous and a good chance he was trying to upset you, I would have to bring it up with him .

Weird comment

he sounds useless

why would you want another child with someone like that

You poor darling. You’re not a shit mum at all. You’re bloody awesome.

Really glad to hear you have a GP appointment. Can you speak to your HV as well?

DP needs to step up. He can do one night a week with minimal impact on his sleep and that will make the world of difference to you. Either Friday or Saturday. Go to bed early and use ear plugs. He is not allowed to disturb you. If you just have to get on with it, so does he.

With DD it really is trial and error and some nights where it works and some nights where it doesn’t. Do you use a sleeping bag? White noise? If you haven’t tried those, that would be my starting point.

I am sending you a huge hug and some fairy dust for DD.

This sounds incredibly tough especially the being put up for adoption comment. He definitely needs to do at least one night of feeds a week to give you a chance to catch up on sleep. You must be chronically sleep deprived. I share the nights with my husband who sleeps in a separate room on his nights “off” so he can catch up on sleep be functional for his paid work. I do four nights and he does three and that works for us.

It is totally unacceptable for one parent to say to the other “you were the one who wanted this baby so you have to look after it”. That must have been so hard to hear. Is he coping, mentally? Perhaps he hasn’t bonded with your daughter as well as you have; maybe he lacks confidence in which case all the more reason for you to insist on him being more involved in her care (ie picking up one or two night feeds).

Gently, I would not entertain having another child with someone in this situation until his bonding / the uneven night feeds has been addressed.

Absolutely no judgement regarding your feelings of frustration at night time, I have felt this too.

I don’t think you should brush over this as it doesn’t sound like this is going away and that there might be a potentially long road ahead. Are you going to be expected to do everything for your daughter forever? If you’re not able to bring this up and discuss this productively with him it would justify relationship counselling in my opinion.

You are doing your very best to cope with sleepless nights and shield your OH from the situation. Exhaustion at this stage is, sadly, pretty normal. Your OH’s response isn’t normal. He may have a stressful job but he could/should help at weekends, if not in the week too.
I had twins who were like your baby and rarely slept at the same time. My husband, a teacher, helped and worked. They slept through at 3.5 years.
Both my daughters now have children. Both had poor sleepers. One employed a sleep coach, who stayed overnight for three nights when baby was 6 months. He’s a good sleeper now. Both of their husbands shared the wakeful nights.
Can you have a relative/friend to stay over to give you a break? Could someone look after baby one day and you sleep in the day? You would feel better for a few hours of sleep. My mum used to come occasionally and it was wonderful to know we could sleep. Have you willing relatives?
Children do settle eventually. Have you thought baby might be ready for some solid food? Ask your health visitor.
You sound as though you are a very good mum.

My first baby was a terrible sleeper and it made me feel all the emotions that you are feeling. I ended up accepting that I was going to get very little sleep and started watching a lot of long TV series during the night because at least that stopped me feeling so frustrated and emotional. She began sleeping far better when she started solid food.

Please don’t even contemplate having another baby with your DH until he can absolutely prove he is capable of looking after and care for the one you already have. He needs to step up and support you. So what would be the point in him keeping his job if he can’t keep his child should you be out of the picture? Your and the baby’s wellbeing should be his priority. Yes, of course, he may well be under a lot of pressure to keep his job. I absolutely get this. But he needs to also work harder at home. This is the reality of having a baby. You can’t just opt out of duties. It’s exhausting. Having help in any form (relatives or paid care) does help a lot. But not everyone has access to help and this is the reality. Just as you get on with it, so does he need to get involved and get on with it.
Some great suggestions already and hopefully you can try some of these and find the right balance.
These regular nights time breaks from sleeping are so unbelievably draining, I can completely understand you feel as if you are at breaking point.

You have everyone’s sympathy re lack of sleep and the profound impact it has. Your DDs sleep is normal for her age. My youngest is 16 and I still value every night of sleep (and no one has woken me up for years!).

Some suggestions:

1. yes, see GP
2. co-sleep full time (getting you more sleep is the biggest priority); big mattress on floor if you can, just you and DD.
3. don’t even consider more kids until you feel you are flying with this one (my second pg was twins and even when they are regularly sleeping through little kids often need you in the night, and the more you have, the greater number of times that happens in a week)
4. your DH was a knob. You are both struggling so yeah, maybe some slack here but I would be considering what he said as massively problematic
5. dont consider more kids with DH unless and until he shows he really wants to parent with you
6. you need sleep as the priority, before anything else, hence my point 2

We coslept with our twins as we had no options and were desperate for sleep.

sending a hand hold x

get him to do first shift eg 7pm - 11pm so you get at least one solid chunk of sleep (it feels crazy going to bed that early but helps you survive). Then I sleep trained my babies with gentle method when 6 months + and my 3yo son who is mad during the day has basically slept through ever since except when ill. Co sleeping is my worst nightmare now they’re a bit older! All the best

No wonder you’re struggling if your OH is that crap!

We co slept with my eldest until he was 5 because he repeatedly woke up after the first wake up, we’d take it in turns once he was bigger and slept through (as long as he was next to someone)
His brother arrived 16 months after he did and slept through from 5 months and went into his own room at 6 months. You haven’t done anything wrong, some are sleepers and others require more reassurance etc I’m currently scrolling through MN whilst our youngest is curled up next to me, he’s exactly the same as his our eldest one regarding sleeping.
Your DH should be doing the night shift on a Friday/Saturday night….. My DH works 6 days a week but has always either done those nights (except for youngest who was BF) or he has got up with them around 4/5 when they’ve woken up so I’ve been able to get a couple of hours catch up sleep.
His comments regarding getting her adopted if you weren’t there are totally bizarre. It’s one thing to say he would struggle and need help, anyone would but actually giving her up?!
Sleep deprivation is the worst, so it does make you feel really low. I personally would hire a qualified dbs checked sitter for 2 mornings a week so you can hand her to someone and you go back to bed.
I honestly wouldn’t have any more children with him, he was unsure about having this one and sounds like he’s not dependable what so ever.

Your DH’s comments do sound awful, I hope this is a one off.

My 2 year old is a terrible sleeper, at 5 months she woke every 45 minutes (until at least 18 months when I started getting 2 hour stints). She’s over 2 now and doesn’t sleep through. I’m 35 weeks with number 4 and very scared of what’s to come!!!

When she was little, once I went to bed (which was very early) I would co-sleep, latch her on and go back to sleep myself at each wake. If you are co-sleeping, have you nailed the side-lying feeding position? This was required for my survival. I became very disciplined about never looking at my phone, never checking the time or counting the wakes, this just led to me being upset/ frustrated/ focussed on it. Even when woken I would try to keep myself sleepy and my eyes closed repeating to myself the mantra that I was “resting” even if I wasn’t asleep. It started to feel like a bit of a disturbed but continuous night of sleep rather than getting up several times a night. I changed my whole mindset.

Unfortunately, my body hates being woken so from 3/4am it refuses to go back to sleep and if I allow myself to wake up properly at any of the wakes, it’s hours until I drop back off. My DH slept in another room at my request, nothing rages me more than watching him sleep. I promise I do actually like him, haha.

My DH is very willing but he doesn’t have boobs and he is a doctor doing long shifts/ night shifts. Instead, I guilt free asked him to pick up other tasks - for example, he does all the meal planning, food shopping and majority of the cooking. I am exhausted and he is rested or “normal person tired” as I call it. I need to feel validated/ seen for the work I am doing and what I am putting myself through for us all. To not feel appreciated would be awful, I’m sorry you are going through this.

Given you are mixed-feeding it makes perfect sense for him to take some of the nights for you to rest and I think he needs to walk a mile in your shoes. I hope my story about my mindset change is helpful rather than a hindrance.

You poor thing. Broken sleep is the worst. Your baby sounds absolutely normal and things will get better. I remember wanting to walk out of the house and jump on a train to anywhere, to escape the crying and being needed all the time.

Your husband sounds scared of the responsibility and really needs to be more supportive. Don’t beat yourself up about this, you are doing a fine job and you are a good mum.

I know it’s 1.5 hours away but could you call in family to help? Even if mid day for a good solid sleep?

If she is in a separate room you should go and sleep with her there. I am sympathetic to both your situations. Right now is the time when your DH has to live in a way that allows him to meet the needs of his job (which is supporting all of you) and you need to live in a way that meets the needs of the baby. Also, get rid of any clocks; don't count the number of times she wakes, or add up the minutes you spend awake, or keep a tally of how much sleep you get each night. You just need to sleep when she sleeps and be awake when she's awake. This phase won't last forever.

If you are finding it this hard, your DH may be right that a second child is not a good idea.

Well your OH has it quite cushty. What does he think mums who are teachers do? He needs to do some of the night wakings and stop using his job as an excuse. No wonder you're exhausted 😔

What a twat.

I say that as a mum who breast fed a terrible sleeper. There was one week where she woke for 20 minutes, slept for 20 minutes, all night, every night. I did end up putting my mattress in the floor and co sleeping. Baby wore a sleeping bag, my covers didn’t reach her.

Oh, I was also a full time early career teacher in a large comprehensive and could only afford three months maternity.

Like I say, he’s being a twat.

I’ve been in both positions - a new mum with a DH in a high impact job and a burnt-out teacher struggling with stress. I think the first thing is to accept that this is a stressful period for you both but you will come through it. Some children are better sleepers than others, don’t worry about DC2 just yet - you may well both be in much better headspace in a few years’ (or even weeks!) time.
Secondly, although I do have sympathy for your DH (teaching is one of the inner circles of hell right now), he does need to help out at night. Being alone all day with a baby is the only thing I find comparable to a day teaching so you are both burnt out and exhausted and need to find a way through it together. My DD tended to have a good sleep between around midnight and 3am so DH stayed up with her until midnight and I went to bed early and slept in until 3. You both need some sleep so this is something to negotiate. If it helps, show him my post. I am very, very sympathetic to teacher burnout (and actually left teaching for that reason - which is also an option!) but this is something to weather together as a team. You will get through this.

When it comes to what you do now and how you cope and parent and DH role - forget about a 2nd DC for now.

Focus on the here and now and what’s needed.

I would rise above the conversation in the middle of the night due to emotions running high and tiredness.

If he can do Friday nights and Saturday nights that would be a big help.

Our situation was very similar at 5 months. I felt like I was going mad from sleep deprivation. I actually couldn’t get back to sleep a lot of the time.

My husband also didn’t help and I felt very alone. It was because baby was breastfed and refused a bottle. But I did feel he could have done more. I think he actually suffered from PND himself and possibly still does at 18 months in.

Anyway, everything improved with weaning and when she moved into her own room at 6 months. She started to actually eat more during the day and sleep longer stretches.

I’m very glad I didn’t get into co sleeping actually as I would never have slept a wink. I think I might have been waking her up a bit too sometimes when we were in the same room.

Can you go to bed 6/7pm and catch up on some sleep while he has her until 11/12 at least? That kept me sane during the time mine were waking like this. I was breastfeeding so he still had to bring them up for a feed in the middle but it really helped having a little bit of a stretch of sleep on my own.

Will your baby take a bottle? When my DCs were babies DH took all wakings until midnight with milk that I pumped. I went to bed straight after dinner and slept. After midnight I did all wakings and got up whenever baby was awake for the day, which was usually 4-5am. That first chunk of sleep really helped.