DH comment during night wakings

[Sosotiredandconfused]

I have a 5 month old DD who is a terrible sleeper. She'll do a 2-3 hour stretch at first and then will wake every 1-2 hours for the rest of the night. This has now been going on for 2 months. I do all of the night wakings as DP is working. He's a teacher and finds his job stressful and hard.

I'm getting to the point where I've hit a brick wall with the night wakings and am struggling to cope. I suspect I may have PND. I'm already in therapy and have an appointment booked with my GP to discuss medication, although I'm not sure if any will be compatible with co-sleeping, which I do for part of the night as the only way to get some sleep.

I am struggling to keep going with the nights and am at my wits end. I get very emotionally distressed when the baby wakes up - feeling angry and frustrated. I can't stop crying and struggle to motivate myself to do anything. To be clear none of this is directed at DD - I always leave her safe in her crib and leave the room to try and get a hold of my emotions. I don't see how I can continue to do this. DP is very reluctant to share the night load due to his job. I think we would share if I insist, but I'm worried that if I insist it will put him off having another child - he was unsure about this one.

I suspect DP thinks my reaction to the night wakings are over the top and he says I have no choice other than to just get on with it. During one waking tonight I was trying to explain how I feel - that I can't carry on anymore and have hit a brick wall. I said I felt like just walking out. I think he took that to mean permanently (I meant I just wanted to leave the house and remove myself from the situation so someone else could deal with it). He said if I left he'd have to put DD up for adoption as he wouldn't be able to cope with looking after her and working. I didn't know what to say to that so pointed out that she's a joint responsibility and not just mine, and would he put her up for adoption if I died? He said maybe if my parents couldn't help out (they live 1.5hrs away). I was very shocked and just got on with getting DD settled and told him to go back to bed.

I don't know whether to just take this as something said when emotions were high at 2am and just leave it, or bring it up again tomorrow. If I should bring it up I'm not sure how to approach it. Its made me think he sees DD as just my responsibility and has made me feel more alone and like everything is on me. It's even more surprising as he was great when he was on paternity leave - couldn't have been more supportive/ done more for us.

Any tips on getting DD to sleep/how to get through also appreciated. I feel I've tried everything - late/early bedtime, strict/relaxed routine, big bottle before bed (she's combi fed), warm room/ cool room.

Also grateful if you could go easy on my behaviour during the night wakes. I feel ashamed enough as it is and like a shit mum already.

As I’ve said upthread, it isn’t always as simple as being able to nap in the day. My baby will only contact nap so I’ve never been able to sleep in the day.

When I was pregnant and getting very little sleep, as often happens in pregnancy, I was still able to do my job without being grumpy with the children I teach.

OP - Do not have another child with this man! He's clearly not that bothered about the one you've got, he certainly doesn't see it as his job or responsibility to do any of the actual parenting beyond bringing in a wage. If he doesn't shape up, I'd ship him out, personally.

He's a teacher, not a brain surgeon. A few broken nights shouldn't affect his ability to teach unless he's actually not that good at his job to start off with.

But by letting OP do all care at the moment, she’s at risk if driving and could make, arguably as she is alone, more serious mistakes.

I used to teach. Do you not think there were days when I’d not have had as much sleep or feeling under the weather? I still went in and taught. No one died. Making the odd cock up on the board is no where near as dangerous as watching a helpless infant 24/7 on no sleep.

As a parent, you should understand people with kids. What would you say if it was a female teacher? Would you be quite so defensive? Or would you expect her to suck it up?

Teachers are human. They have kids. There are very few serious mistakes they can make as there are systems in place to prevent them. Tired parents watching kids on the other hand; well they make silly mistakes like letting the child sleep on them which could cause SIDs or not check the temperature of liquids etc.

But OP taking care of a baby, functioning and possibly driving whilst tired is fine? It’s not important she gets her sleep for those things? It’s not important that her child is looked after properly and she doesn’t make silly mistakes?

What are you even saying?!

I'm really surprised with some of these comments siding with the husband.

My husband did all night feeds when baby was first born. I was pumping every 3 hours so he would do the feeds (baby wouldn't latch initially). Then when he did latch, my husband still woke up and changed the nappy before I did the feed.

It's a bigger responsibility to keep a baby alive than it is being a Teacher.

No wonder you feel alone and struggling, because you are. He considers the baby to be your responsibility and he’s finally voiced what you’ve clearly been feeling from him.. that he isn’t there for you.

Co sleep was the only thing that saved me with two of my difficult sleepers. And honestly ltb. He isn’t just useless, he’s abandoned you.

I'm asking because a friend of minexher husband is a teacher, he seems to spend his evenings planning or marking. Now, I don't know if he's particular in that, but we get posters telling the OP that he can care for the baby in the evening while she naps. I'm asking if he has to do that and prep for lessons etc how is that possible?
I suspect there would be a post from a parent complaining that DS/DD was going to fail exams because the teacher wasn't up to scratch.
Doing Friday/Saturday makes sense as no work that day.
I'm not unsympathetic to the OP, but I would suggest that trying to encourage a baby who slept better might be the way forward. My oldest didn't sleep well until, as I say, I accidentally sleep trained him. The next baby, I had learnt my lesson, strangely he slept from his first night.

if not-so-Dh covered, say, Wednesday night and Saturday night in full then it would give OP some protected time. I would even suggest she goes to a cheap travelodge or something one Saturday so she can sleep completely undisturbed and then come home and take over at 8am or whatever on Sunday,

He needs to get rid of this idea that because he works he doesn't get to do nights. Most babies aren't sleeping through by the time mum goes back to work. Some will wake more at a year than they did at a week. After a decent first few months, it took 18 months before my second stopped waking hourly. So unless you're giving up work for potentially several years, one or both of you will be juggling work with sleep deprivation. So he may as well start now!

If he doesn't, the likelihood is that baby will be so used to only you doing the nights, that they'll be far harder for dad to settle, and you'll give up. He'll carry on having full nights sleep and then going off to work, whilst you drag your butt out of bed every hour or two go and go to work exhausted.

If you end up with a great sleeper and that's not an issue, fabulous, but I've seen too many families with exhausted mums and rested dads to see the danger of not getting good patterns in during maternity leave.

This is extremely difficult, OP: you have my sympathies!

It is very easy for people to say it’s developmentally normal - they have probably forgotten how hard it was or had more emotional resources to deal with it! Their saying it doesn’t make it easier to deal with.

As to tips for handling it: when my son was similar at 4.5 months and we were on our knees, we hired a sleep consultant and, with her support, instigated an absolutely rigid routine to get his sleep sorted. It was very difficult for 2.5 weeks or so - a lot of crying. it was really expensive - but we fixed it and our family was much happier for it. I could not have continued the way things were - I am absolutely useless without sleep and would probably have crashed the car or something.

Good luck!

This hit me like a ton of bricks. My Mum died when I was young - we (sibling and I) were almost adopted by a family member with our Dad’s acceptance. Thankfully I was asked if I wanted that to happen and I refused (had lost Mum, didn’t want to lose Dad too - we’d have been hundreds of miles away) but this explains a lot about the relationship with our late father that sibling and I had. Need to go and process this a little. I used to be threatened with being dropped off at an orphanage if I misbehaved (and it was really minor stuff - the misbehaving). Hmmm.

he can care for the baby in the evening while she naps. I'm asking if he has to do that and prep for lessons etc how is that possible

baby is having a 2-3h stretch at first, according to OP - say that's 8pm-11pm or whatever, DH does his marking then, OP sleeps, DH does any settling/feeding 11pm- 1am, dozing in between, then OP takes over and DH sleeps 1am-7am.

Have you tried giving her a bottle at 10pm to get her through the night? Then only giving water in a bottle in the dark if she wakes in the night, straight back down to self soothe?
If she doesn’t want food go in, reassure her of your presence, check nappy isn’t wet keeping the lights off then retreat without cuddles etc.
Old advice but it works.
You do have to train babies to sleep by getting the food right in the day , otherwise you are just too tired and upset which is no good to anyone.
Maybe DP could take one waking every other night for a week or two to get you back on track while you’re wobbling. It can be better if Dad goes in if you’re BF since baby then won’t smell the milk.
There is a lot of unhelpful commentary these days about how leaving baby to cry will assure a life of mental health problems - it won’t. My mum did it to me, after two nights I slept through. No mh or attachment issues. I did the above with my girls and they are fine! It’s way more important for mental health that a child establishes a good sleeping pattern, in my view, and that doesn’t happen automatically.

That’s a horrible comment from him! He’s both yoir child and his responsibility too. Giving up yoir child if you die is just horrible. It would make me think what was I with him fonim so sorry . But sleep is difficult. Ask him to do the night waking til midnight so you can get a 4hour block of sleep in another room eoth ear plugs and the he can get his 7hoirs and not complain.

Agree with others that this is a pretty standard sleep pattern for a small baby.

Your DH's reaction however was spiteful and frankly a disgusting thing to say, even if it was 2am in the morning. I would be making it clear to him that this was the worst thing he has ever said to you and that you're having to adjust your opinion of him as a decent human being. I'd be sharing his comment with everyone including the GP & HV and I can tell you there'll be some open mouths in response.

So he's a teacher - therefore in under 2 weeks it's half term - tell him he's on night duty for 3 nights at least and if he refuses, tell him he can leave. I would pull in support from wherever I could get it - eg, day time sleeping for you,could your Mum come over to stay and take a night shift, making it absolutely crystal clear your DH is failing in his responsibilities and to give your DH an ear bashing re his spiteful comments.

As for having a 2nd child with him - well he would need to really prove he is decent and supportive before I'd even have sex with him.

OP, half term is coming up so your husband should be taking some of the night wakings. Does he have extra responsibilities? My husband is in the same career but is a senior leader and I am a SAHM, if I said I was struggling he would help me without hesitation during term time and in the holidays everything is very 50/50. Your husband has no excuse, just sounds like a knob.

Bloody hell. Your comments about your "partner" I read open mouthed. and it takes a fair bit to shock and disgust me. 😱😡

I'm so sorry OP. You are effectively a single mum with zero support.
Do you have any family you can lean on a bit? Even just to have a cuppa and a cry with? Sometimes when my eldest was tiny I'd hand him to a lovely lovely friend I had in my life mid afternoon and go and have a short nap in bed while she watched him. I was soo sleep deprived and it does take a toll so my heart goes out to you.

Reach out to anyone in your life who can be any sort of support. Don't be shy. Tell them how you are feeling, and be honest with them too about the zero support you are getting at home.

Could you also chat to your HV about it all? There may be some local support groups, in my area there are some lovely ones for new mums with PND.

What is the plan for you and work? Will you be returning after maternity leave? And if so what does he think will happen then?

OP should not be driving at all on a lack of sleep.
That’s extremely dangerous for her, the baby and everyone else.

And it wouldn’t make a difference if it was OP that was the one going to work and DH being at home.
Its whoever is at home that should be doing the nights on weekdays.

I was a teacher and a single parent.
I absolutely did go to work tired and stressed sometimes but if I had a DH at home that wasn’t working then I’d have been annoyed if he expected me to do nights.

My sister is going through similar so perhaps I can see it from a different angle.
She works FT but her DP only works 2 days a week.
He refuses to do the full night wakings even if he’s got a day off the next day.
I have told my sister that he’s being selfish but perhaps I am in the wrong as most posters would be agreeing with him.

Tbh, with my first (bottle fed) baby, we split the nights 50-50 and then alternated them (so still 50-50). Neither of us were on our knees with exhaustion. Both of us were capable of functioning.

We'd have one very broken night followed by 8 hours undisturbed. We both felt a bit tired most of the time, but that was it. We were even still able to have our evenings (broken by wakings obviously ), because no one needed to go to bed at 7pm because they were knackered.

The choice isn't 1 knackered person or 2. The choice is 1 knackered and 1 rested person or two slightly tired people. That's so much better.
With my second who was breastfed, I had to do it all, and the difference was huge. A bit tired with my first compared to virtually hallucinating and repeatedly zoning out with my second. Sharing is so much better.

Only read the first couple of comments and came to say just because it’s “normal” doesn’t mean it’s easy or even manageable. I’m a teacher and I find my job hard, but that doesn’t mean I would expect my partner to do all of the night wakings. Does he pull his weight in school holidays, I would expect him to do it all because he is off work, let him feel how hard it is. Me and DP have guaranteed sleep time, I like a lie in and he prefers an early night, so any wake ups up until 1am are mine, after that are his, this way we both have a block of sleep.

A friend of mine once said she found it easier bringing her child up as a single parent than with her partner because in both cases she was a single parent but the expectation went and she knew where she stood.

Your DH sounds awful, I’m sorry. Has he bonded with your DD at all? His attitude is appalling.

How is DD fed? If bottle, I would increase intake during the day in case that helps.

Your DH needs to pick up the slack by taking some nights (e.g weekends and one week night), or else by taking a long stretch (7pm-11pm) so you can get some decent sleep.

But mums have to drive! to checkups for baby, for them, to just about anything you want to go to. They have to look after the baby all day, and that's important too. IF they have an older child they have to get to school and sports too and be in the car at set times to get somewhere on time, and they are carrying the family's most precious cargo.

With regards to your husband.. when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
..and for the baby, I second cranial osteopathy. My first wouldn't sleep at all through the day and was completely wired all the time. He had to be held or he cried. By 3 weeks I was really running out of steam and as a last ditch effort went to a cranial osteopath. After the first session my baby slept for 21 hours straight (I fed him in his sleep) and I could put him down!
It turns out his vagus nerve was trapped and he was in constant fight-or-flight.
2 more sessions cemented the fix and he has never looked back.
It's also very gentle, not painful or scary for the baby, and what a relief for me!
He actually sagged in the osteo's arms after about 10 minutes and fell asleep..

Yes that does make sense and I will tell my sister as she is really struggling at the moment with night wakings and working.

I was never able to share the night wakings and so for me, if someone is at home all day and doesn’t need to drive, leave the house, concentrate on work etc then it makes sense to me for them to be much more tired than the one that does.

And I definitely don’t think he should be doing nothing but my argument was that he shouldn’t be doing night feeds.

Once he gets home, he should be taking over allowing OP to go and sleep.
If she can get 3/4 hours sleep in the evening before DH goes to sleep, plus the hours during the night then that is a good 8 hours of sleep without DH needing to do night feeds.

As I said upthread if OP isn’t bottle feeding then DH waking in the night is harder but I would 100% move to bottle feeding as that was the only thing that actually helped my baby sleep.