DH comment during night wakings

[Sosotiredandconfused]

I have a 5 month old DD who is a terrible sleeper. She'll do a 2-3 hour stretch at first and then will wake every 1-2 hours for the rest of the night. This has now been going on for 2 months. I do all of the night wakings as DP is working. He's a teacher and finds his job stressful and hard.

I'm getting to the point where I've hit a brick wall with the night wakings and am struggling to cope. I suspect I may have PND. I'm already in therapy and have an appointment booked with my GP to discuss medication, although I'm not sure if any will be compatible with co-sleeping, which I do for part of the night as the only way to get some sleep.

I am struggling to keep going with the nights and am at my wits end. I get very emotionally distressed when the baby wakes up - feeling angry and frustrated. I can't stop crying and struggle to motivate myself to do anything. To be clear none of this is directed at DD - I always leave her safe in her crib and leave the room to try and get a hold of my emotions. I don't see how I can continue to do this. DP is very reluctant to share the night load due to his job. I think we would share if I insist, but I'm worried that if I insist it will put him off having another child - he was unsure about this one.

I suspect DP thinks my reaction to the night wakings are over the top and he says I have no choice other than to just get on with it. During one waking tonight I was trying to explain how I feel - that I can't carry on anymore and have hit a brick wall. I said I felt like just walking out. I think he took that to mean permanently (I meant I just wanted to leave the house and remove myself from the situation so someone else could deal with it). He said if I left he'd have to put DD up for adoption as he wouldn't be able to cope with looking after her and working. I didn't know what to say to that so pointed out that she's a joint responsibility and not just mine, and would he put her up for adoption if I died? He said maybe if my parents couldn't help out (they live 1.5hrs away). I was very shocked and just got on with getting DD settled and told him to go back to bed.

I don't know whether to just take this as something said when emotions were high at 2am and just leave it, or bring it up again tomorrow. If I should bring it up I'm not sure how to approach it. Its made me think he sees DD as just my responsibility and has made me feel more alone and like everything is on me. It's even more surprising as he was great when he was on paternity leave - couldn't have been more supportive/ done more for us.

Any tips on getting DD to sleep/how to get through also appreciated. I feel I've tried everything - late/early bedtime, strict/relaxed routine, big bottle before bed (she's combi fed), warm room/ cool room.

Also grateful if you could go easy on my behaviour during the night wakes. I feel ashamed enough as it is and like a shit mum already.

Please don't have a second child with this man. He sounds very odd

I'm a bit confused about the current sleeping arrangements but I would have baby in with you and odd husband can sleep in baby's room

If odd husband refuses to do this , then you and baby sleep in baby's room. Buy a new bed and make the room really lovely for both of you

I repeat......do not have another child with odd husband

Edit baby's sleeping sounds normal to me for bf baby

"If you are finding it this hard..." as if most mothers wouldn't struggle with broken sleep and no support!

It’s absolutely possible for him to share the load. We found that it was best if he took either the first or last waking of the night. That way you sleep in shifts and both get a decent stretch.

First your baby’s wakes are entirely normal, I’d really recommend Helen ball’s book about baby sleep. For me, knowing what is normal / average and stopping trying to fix it took a lot of pressure off. You have to split the nights. Hes a teacher not a surgeon or pilot. For us, my DH preferred doing the first half of the night so he did all wakes til about 1/2am and I did the rest. Then you both get a block of sleep - use noise cancelling headphones if you need to. Or he does 2 full nights at the weekend given she takes a bottle. I’d really take a potential 2nd baby out of the conversation/your head. Putting pressure on him / yourself about that is just pointless. Not trying to fixate on ‘fixing’ baby sleep but I would look at whether she needs less day sleep and a later bedtime. Mine wasnt going to bed til 9ish at that age. Try and align her longer stretch with when you go to bed. As much time in the day on the floor so she can practice moving, eg not in a bouncer or chair.

At 5 months your baby’s sleep sounds normal. It is hard and you’re doing a great job; your husband is not, and he is not being at all sympathetic or supportive.
he is not a brain surgeon, he should be helping more in whatever way you feel would be beneficial.

also he sounds very cold towards your child, that’s not a healthy attitude to have about placing your child up for adoption. Hopefully he said it without actually meaning it- huge red flag!

please know that baby’s sleep will get easier- hang in there!

I had a similar situation and yes to some extent dh saw it as my problem. And yes it did put me off having another.
What we did regarding night feeds was dh stayed up til midnight and did any feeds. I went to bed at 7.30 asleep for 8. I slept 8-1 (ish)plus any snatched sleep I got after and dh slept 12- 7.
Somethings that helped -
tilting the cot (reflux)
stopping night feeds (at around 10 months)
getting rid of the dummy (around a year)

Agree he should be giving you breaks from the nights, at least the first or last hours so that you can actually sleep with ear plugs in.

At 5 months, mine were in their own room - they quickly slept much better and then so did I after 48hrs. We had been waking each other up. Appreciate they are all different. it is definitely ok to prioritise your own sleep for your health.

I’d ignore the 2am comment. We said alot of things during the bleak middle of the nights. Focus on getting him to do his share, so you can get some sleep.

He’s not being an adequate parent or partner if he’s doing no night parenting.

It’s not ‘helping’ or ‘making a difference to you’ it’s parenting his child.

His health and wellbeing isn’t more important than yours. His paid work isn’t more important than your ability to care for your tiny DC.

You need to sleep in that first 2-3 hour stretch, and then get DH to feed and resettle her at the first waking. You can then do the rest of the night. 4 hours was the magic number for me. If I coukd get 4 hours sleep in one stretch, life became bearable.

I'll come back later - need to deal with breakfast.

Would he take baby from 8pm, give a bottle at 10/11 and settle baby so you could go to bed at 8 and hopefully get to sleep uninterrupted until 12 or 1am?
Me and DH did this routine for a while and having 4 or 5 hours without being disturbed was really important in making sure I was well rested enough to protect my mental health. Sleep deprivation is a torture method.

His comments were either manipulative or if he really thinks and feels that way he should seek help for his mental health.

And meanwhile still do some parenting.

I'm trying to be helpful here, OP and I understand that you are exhausted and feel you might have PND so please don't take this the wrong way. When your DD wakes in the night is she fussing or is she hungry? I'm asking because my oldest was often just fussing, he wasn't really hungry. I realised after quite a while that I should not have gone straight to him but waited to see if he would settle. I eventually sort of accidentally sleep trained him by letting him have a bit of a fuss/whinge and found he did self soothe back to sleep.
Please speak to your doctor or health visitor too because if you do have PND you need treatment.

Ooof this takes me back. My DD was exactly like this with waking hourly after a 3-4 hour stretch sleep and it broke me (temporarily). Couldn’t go to sleep at 7pm as had to spend time with DS (aged 8) and put him to bed. DH not home until 8.30pm and “needed” to download about his stressful job. Ended up under the Crisis team and then DH had to step up.
Agree with PP about going to bed at the same time as the baby at 7pm as that first stretch of sleep does really help. Sorry your DH is being a dick. And the hourly walking thing does stop but it’s absolutely brutal and you have all my sympathy.

Isn’t it interesting how he thinks your reactions to night wakings are over the top ( implying they are easy) but that he couldn’t possibly cover them (implying they are hard)?

Hmm. Look how that worked out.

My husband used to take the slot 10pm- 1.30am and I would sleep that. Then the babies would usually be awake on and off after that until morning and I would do that bit - he would give them a bottle at 7am and then go to work and I stayed in bed while they slept. When it's not night time, perhaps broach with him that he needs to step up. It will probably help with bonding; my husband always talks about those early weeks he had just him and the children while I slept.

I would phrase it as we need to discuss what you said last night, and I think we need a sit down meeting with both of our parents so they are fully aware that if I died you’d be considering adoption if they didn’t step up and parent for you. I will be interested to see their faces when they realise you said that to me and have so little to do with your own baby, but hopefully they do offer me some help once they know how on my own I am with our baby.

what Is your husband like at the weekend/ school holidays. Over Easter did he do his share of night wakings? Does he care for the baby happily in the daytime. What would happen if you went out for the day all day on Saturday. Would he cope?

I would consider these questions before deciding whether to have another baby. If he’s not doing any of the parenting now it won’t change as children grow. You’ll be 100% responsible for all school runs, bedtimes, activities, admin, meals etc. His job will always come first.

Your DD is still young. Is she hungry? I started baby rice with DS at 5 months.

I'm so sorry! I remember that feeling of having hit a brick wall. My first was an awful sleeper. I recommend popping baby in bed with you in the spare room (if you have one) and just co sleeping for the next few months to get some sleep. I didn't do it with my first and had PND and it was horrific. Then my second, I just put him in bed with me and he woke every 2 hours for months and months but I was ok because I could feed him lying down and we would both go back to sleep. The night wakings were up to me and I had to survive any way I could.

This and I hope you have a plan to return back to work OP.

This sounds like very normal sleep for that age, but it doesn’t mean it’s not incredibly tough, especially when your partner is so unsupportive. I have no advice other than please don’t have a second child with him, if you think you’re tired now, it’s nothing compared to how tired you’ll be pregnant with a toddler or juggle by a toddler and a newborn night wakes by yourself, as he’s not going to suddenly change.

Another question I might ask him is how he sees the future when it's not a baby, but a child. Is he doing all the childcare in the school holidays ? Because that would be usual, considering he is a teacher.

If you have discussions like that in the middle of the night when you are exhausted, and you have woken him up although he doesn't do the night time wakes because of working long hours, you are likely to get extreme answers. I don't really think he would put your DD up for adoption, but in the moment I'm sure he couldn't see how he could possibly cope without you.

I was known to end up sleeping on the floor beside the cot so I hardly had to wake up to settle my DD back down, she was a terrible sleeper and as an adult is still a night owl. My DH also didn't do nights, long working hours and a long commute every day as well, he would be out 5am to 6pm.

The solution here is to work in shifts. Eg you do the first shift until 2 am, he does the rest of the night. Going to work on little sleep is hard, but that's life - staying at home with a baby after a sleepless night is hard as well! Many mothers go back to work when their babies aren't sleeping well, they still manage to hold down a job. A PP said he's not a surgeon - surgeons have gruelling night shifts where they're doing operations at 3 am in a massively sleep deprived state. Unfortunately, functioning on little sleep can be a part of adult life.
He needs to bite the bullet and do his share of nights, however hard it is. It's part of being a parent. Besides, leaving you to struggle alone with something - no matter what it is - when you're clearly not coping is nasty behaviour!