DH comment during night wakings

[Sosotiredandconfused]

I have a 5 month old DD who is a terrible sleeper. She'll do a 2-3 hour stretch at first and then will wake every 1-2 hours for the rest of the night. This has now been going on for 2 months. I do all of the night wakings as DP is working. He's a teacher and finds his job stressful and hard.

I'm getting to the point where I've hit a brick wall with the night wakings and am struggling to cope. I suspect I may have PND. I'm already in therapy and have an appointment booked with my GP to discuss medication, although I'm not sure if any will be compatible with co-sleeping, which I do for part of the night as the only way to get some sleep.

I am struggling to keep going with the nights and am at my wits end. I get very emotionally distressed when the baby wakes up - feeling angry and frustrated. I can't stop crying and struggle to motivate myself to do anything. To be clear none of this is directed at DD - I always leave her safe in her crib and leave the room to try and get a hold of my emotions. I don't see how I can continue to do this. DP is very reluctant to share the night load due to his job. I think we would share if I insist, but I'm worried that if I insist it will put him off having another child - he was unsure about this one.

I suspect DP thinks my reaction to the night wakings are over the top and he says I have no choice other than to just get on with it. During one waking tonight I was trying to explain how I feel - that I can't carry on anymore and have hit a brick wall. I said I felt like just walking out. I think he took that to mean permanently (I meant I just wanted to leave the house and remove myself from the situation so someone else could deal with it). He said if I left he'd have to put DD up for adoption as he wouldn't be able to cope with looking after her and working. I didn't know what to say to that so pointed out that she's a joint responsibility and not just mine, and would he put her up for adoption if I died? He said maybe if my parents couldn't help out (they live 1.5hrs away). I was very shocked and just got on with getting DD settled and told him to go back to bed.

I don't know whether to just take this as something said when emotions were high at 2am and just leave it, or bring it up again tomorrow. If I should bring it up I'm not sure how to approach it. Its made me think he sees DD as just my responsibility and has made me feel more alone and like everything is on me. It's even more surprising as he was great when he was on paternity leave - couldn't have been more supportive/ done more for us.

Any tips on getting DD to sleep/how to get through also appreciated. I feel I've tried everything - late/early bedtime, strict/relaxed routine, big bottle before bed (she's combi fed), warm room/ cool room.

Also grateful if you could go easy on my behaviour during the night wakes. I feel ashamed enough as it is and like a shit mum already.

this will pass but I had the exact thing and I felt like I was going insane. He needs to help end of. You need a five hour stretch of sleep couldn’t he just do nine til one or something? So you get at least a chunk of sleep

Your dh should definitely be doing Friday & Saturday night. No question. Could you go and stay with your parents for a bit if one of them is at home and could let you sleep on in the morning.

As a teacher l have worked with many teachers with a bit older children who were waking at night and as mother's they had no choice but to do night waking and take class. One session during the night wouldn't kill him.

You are both over tired.
You need to see your GP and talk about your PND.
Ideas ..
Travel the 1/2 hours to your parents and stay for a week. Try to sleep as much as you can and ask them to wheel the baby in the pram for a couple of hours per day. You need intervention to catch up on sleep and to treat your PND.

Ask your DH to be the main child carer every Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning.

Build outside time into every day.

Each take out term life insurance for the years while the baby is not at school. You both need to be able to manage parenting if one of you does die.

Sorry, OP- this period is really tough. It will get better.

Your husband's remarks were awful. Obviously 2am is not the time for talking about that kind of thing but it does sound as if he sees the baby as your responsibility and that fits with you saying he was uncertain about having her. I would think very hard before having another baby with him and whether you're willing to do so on this basis- I doubt very much that he will change.

FWIW I did all the nights when my children were babies- I was BFing and it worked better for us for me to do them rather than DH waking up as well. I've never really understood how dads help with nights- I've heard about couples where the dad gets up and brings the baby to the mum but to me that just seems a lot of rigmarole and not really much benefit. Keeping things really calm and quiet, not having conversations or putting the light on can really help your baby learn that night is for sleeping.

So I wouldn't assume that you necessarily have to get him doing 50% of nights in order for things to be fair- it's about finding what works for you both. Likewise your baby's sleep sounds quite normal- don't feel you have to keep trying new things. A lot of sleep is either genes or development anyway and any strategies you try make only a marginal difference.

I think his adoption comments are shocking.
I would be writing it all down and if his attitude doesn't change in time I would be making a plan to get rid of him.

I can recommend getting a sleep trainer. Best couple of hundred pounds i spent with both my kids. Helped me see the wood through the trees with bad habits i had got into. Gave me confidence. There was no crying out required which was my fear. Honestly it was a game changer.

My only bit of advice is to not take too much notice of what is said in these sleep deprived middle of the night arguments discussions. Nobody is at their best or even in their right mind.

Having said that, this does need discussing at a more rational hour.

I will also say, this too shall pass. Good luck op it’s an unbelievably tough thing to get through.

I found being on maternity leave and having a poor sleeper was a horribly isolating experience, OP. I don't think I realised until later on how utterly low and unhappy I was, and I think baby was picking up on that. DD didn't started sleeping well until she was crawling and seemed to exhaust herself!

You've also got a serious issue that your DH isn't pulling his weight. This baby is 50% his - and he needs to be reminded of that. No matter how stressful his job is, he gets to walk out the house and be his own person for however many hours a day. You are stuck with a kling-on 24/7 and that can be incredibly draining.

What he said is awful and I'd definitely have a serious talk about it. If it were me, I'd find it unacceptable.

Your baby's sleep sounds pretty standard to me, but I've had 3 babies and none of them slept through until late toddlerhood!

Definitely see the GP and give the HV a ring too if you want, some can be helpful (some not so much!) but it doesn't hurt to ask for support.

Does your husband take baby at the weekend when he wakes in the morning so you can sleep in? If he doesn't yet, have him start doing that, it'll be good for him to have some one to one time with baby and for you to have an extra couple of hours to rest in bed.

Since you're combo feeding, could husband do the feed of the first wake up? So you sleep uninterrupted until the next one?

If baby is up early in the morning could your husband spend time with baby until he needs to get ready for work? That way you could get an extra bit of sleep. (Eg sometimes my baby is up for the day very early, so I wake partner at 6am and I get extra 30 minutes sleep before he needs to get ready).

I have a baby similar age as yours and I do all night wakings (it's what works best for us at the moment), what is helping me is co sleeping full time and going to bed when baby goes down in the evening at 7ish. Some nights I'm fast asleep by 8pm. Sucks not having an evening but it's temporary. I need all the sleep I can get at the moment. Also sleeping in at the weekend helps. If this is your first baby, do try to have a rest during baby's naps, even if you don't manage to sleep!

Lack of sleep is tough but it gets better eventually, with my first baby it was brutal.
You do need to speak with your husband about what he said. Hopefully you can also have a constructive conversation about what would be helpful to you right now and how he can support you. Even if he works full time and needs rest there are many ways he can contribute!

Does she sleep at all during the day? If so, go to bed/co-sleep then. Get comfortable clothing on when/if she shows signs of a nap. Put yourself first with baby. Also use any family help so you can sleep. Ignore DH's comments, he can do all weekend with DD.

Any tips??

Yeah, DH needs to be more involved. I get that he's working, but as it's been pointed out, he's not a bloody brain surgeon.

It's not. Maternity Leave is sitting on your arse all day playing dollies and watching Loose Women.

Childcare is easy for women but almost impossible if you have a willy.

I am a teacher with additional responsibilities and I do EVERY night wake for our 3 year old and have done since the day he was born. My son has slept through the night maybe 4 times and actually still wakes usually every 1-2 hours after an initial decent stretch. There is absolutely no reason your

In the state you’re in, I wouldn’t advocate for Co-sleeping as you need proper quality sleep to get your mental health back on track. I’d buy a course from Just Chill Baby Sleep, for about £50, and start sleep training. Ferber method is also excellent and works quickly and effectively. Saved my life, quite literally. If your husband won’t help, take it into your hands and sleep train. We were getting 10 hour stretches from our exclusively breastfed baby by 6 months and we’ve never looked back. If she woke and was hungry, I fed her, and she went right back down. You have to work at it and be bombproof consistent, but it’s honestly a miracle!

How do two teachers manage when they have a baby and both of them work full time?

He doesn't work on weekends so at the very least he could do 7-11 like another poster suggested on friday and saturday so it wouldn't impact his work. Or any night if he'd be going to bed at 11 anyway!

The sleep sounds fairly typical for a baby that age, probably the back end of the 4 month sleep regression. You can sleep train to move past it if that's something you're willing to consider (JustChillMama on Instagram is my personal favourite). If my mental health was suffering I would consider it.

Also, no judgement for the way you're feeling. You are doing the right thing by putting her somewhere safe and taking a break. When you have no support those nights are brutal! When my son was 4 months I only managed to sleep in 20 minute bursts. Thing improved on there own at 6 months luckily.

"He doesn't work on weekends so at the very least he could do 7-11 like another poster suggested on friday and saturday so it wouldn't impact his work. Or any night if he'd be going to bed at 11 anyway!"

He can't. He's got a willy. He needs his rest.
He needs to be chucked back to the 1950s, where he belongs.

Sorry to read that youre struggling as a new mum. I think you bothneed help and support for your child's health and safety.

I think families can find an arrangement that works for them, which might mean one party doing more night wakings and the other party taking on other aspects of domestic labour. It might mean doing shifts so both parties get adequate amounts of sleep.

But the point stands, looking after a small baby is not a holiday. Nannies are paid to do it. Women are granted maternity leave because as a society we understand it is not possible to do while working. And unlike a job, when you’re looking after a small baby, there’s no home time.

The OP’s DH needs to step up. A fair arrangement is one where both parties get equal amounts of downtime. Right now that is clearly not happening.

I’m afraid I agree with your husband. He can’t wake in the night if he is working in the day as a teacher. At the moment you have one baby. Rest in the day. No one’s saying it isn’t tough. Don’t have a second child.

My sibling and sibling-in-law were both teachers when they had their children. Do you think they slept through because they were working in the day?

This is provably less PND and more exhaustion & shit partner. I would consider my relationship over at that comment - I would be horrified by it and unable to come back from it. He is not a brain surgeon, he should be doing his part to help at night, at the very least until you get enough sleep to manage coping with the wakings.

Unfortunately it seems you picked a fucking useless prick. I wouldn't have another child with him. He isnt going to get less useless as the sleep resolves itself and other parenting issues pop up.

@BleedinglyObvious

If two people are working full time (particularly in a role like teaching) then they both have to suck it up and take it in turns. Common sense, although most babies at 9-12 months do at least sleep longer than 1 hour, even if they don’t sleep through all the way. It’s less of an issue when the baby is older than 5 months.

If one person is off work for maternity/paternity leave and the other spouse works full time in a demanding role, then yes the night wakings fall on that person. I’ve known this set up for mothers and fathers, as some mothers go back earlier if they’re the higher earner.

Also, sounds like he wasn’t really up for this child but nevertheless said child is now here. OP is pussy footing around the idea of asking for more help in the night as she knows he’s not keen on baby number 2. Why have another child if you’re severely distressed with one? And no judgement if that’s the case as none of us know how we will react with night feeds etc. Grit your teeth, get through it, and never do it again I say.

Well, that’s my opinion!

I've had this with my now 4-year-old. My ex was a doctor and I was working in IT. My ex would wake up with me, I would feed my DD, and he would take her and hold her for 5–10 minutes until she fell back asleep. We co-slept with the baby. It probably would have helped more if we'd taken turns properly, but my ex didn't agree to that.
A normal person's sleep window is anywhere from around 1 hour 15 minutes to 4 hours. My DD's was 1 hour 15 minutes. So for 8 months I never slept longer than that without interruption. Everyone briefly wakes during sleep, but older children and adults have learned to self-soothe. We learn to self-soothe by actually doing it. My baby had dark circles under her eyes because she was just as exhausted as I was. Because I always fed her after she screamed, I conditioned her to scream every time she briefly woke up. That would raise her adrenaline and make it impossible for her to settle back to sleep quickly. Meanwhile I was going insane, and so was my ex. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture, and you genuinely do start to lose your mind if it goes on long enough. I honestly think it caused some lasting damage because my short-term memory has never fully recovered, and I was left with a very mild form of OCD afterwards.
Because we were both losing our minds, our jobs, and our lives — and because my DD was visibly suffering too — I looked for a baby sleep therapist on Mumsnet. We chose one, had a one-hour session with her, and after 3 days of sleep training our DD slept through the night, and so did we. In total it involved about 15 minutes of crying while she learned to self-soothe. The dark circles disappeared and her temperament became that of a happy, rested baby. I highly recommend sleep training for the sake of both your own health and your baby's. Include your partner in the session and the programme too.

@BurnoutBee OP is pussy footing around the idea of asking for more help in the night as she knows he’s not keen on baby number 2. Why should she ask for help. It's his child too. The poor mother is exhausted to the point of her mental health suffering and he should be doing his bit not refusing to 'help'.

She might be on maternity leave but she isn't a sole parent. She should be doing most of the night wakings but not all of them.