DH comment during night wakings

[Sosotiredandconfused]

I have a 5 month old DD who is a terrible sleeper. She'll do a 2-3 hour stretch at first and then will wake every 1-2 hours for the rest of the night. This has now been going on for 2 months. I do all of the night wakings as DP is working. He's a teacher and finds his job stressful and hard.

I'm getting to the point where I've hit a brick wall with the night wakings and am struggling to cope. I suspect I may have PND. I'm already in therapy and have an appointment booked with my GP to discuss medication, although I'm not sure if any will be compatible with co-sleeping, which I do for part of the night as the only way to get some sleep.

I am struggling to keep going with the nights and am at my wits end. I get very emotionally distressed when the baby wakes up - feeling angry and frustrated. I can't stop crying and struggle to motivate myself to do anything. To be clear none of this is directed at DD - I always leave her safe in her crib and leave the room to try and get a hold of my emotions. I don't see how I can continue to do this. DP is very reluctant to share the night load due to his job. I think we would share if I insist, but I'm worried that if I insist it will put him off having another child - he was unsure about this one.

I suspect DP thinks my reaction to the night wakings are over the top and he says I have no choice other than to just get on with it. During one waking tonight I was trying to explain how I feel - that I can't carry on anymore and have hit a brick wall. I said I felt like just walking out. I think he took that to mean permanently (I meant I just wanted to leave the house and remove myself from the situation so someone else could deal with it). He said if I left he'd have to put DD up for adoption as he wouldn't be able to cope with looking after her and working. I didn't know what to say to that so pointed out that she's a joint responsibility and not just mine, and would he put her up for adoption if I died? He said maybe if my parents couldn't help out (they live 1.5hrs away). I was very shocked and just got on with getting DD settled and told him to go back to bed.

I don't know whether to just take this as something said when emotions were high at 2am and just leave it, or bring it up again tomorrow. If I should bring it up I'm not sure how to approach it. Its made me think he sees DD as just my responsibility and has made me feel more alone and like everything is on me. It's even more surprising as he was great when he was on paternity leave - couldn't have been more supportive/ done more for us.

Any tips on getting DD to sleep/how to get through also appreciated. I feel I've tried everything - late/early bedtime, strict/relaxed routine, big bottle before bed (she's combi fed), warm room/ cool room.

Also grateful if you could go easy on my behaviour during the night wakes. I feel ashamed enough as it is and like a shit mum already.

Wow I’m shocked at his comment! Plenty of single mums power through working with a baby. His automatic reaction is to put her up for adoption?! Really?! Does he not feel protective or any attachment/bond with the child? My husband helped me with the morning feeds before he went to work and did the weekends. I needed his help as the sleep deprivation nearly broke me. He really ought to help you at the weekends you know with the feeds. He isn’t a king nor are you his servant! It’s a relationship and it should be both of you helping each other raise this baby.

My first was a terrible sleeper and from 4-6 months only slept for 1-2 hours at a time, it was the closest to a breakdown I have ever been. I remember going for walks with him in his pram and I would just sit on a bench and cry I was so exhausted, it was awful

My DH was supportive though which made a big difference and I am so sorry your DH has turned out to be a disappointment (and shit father). He should absolutely be doing some of the night wakings to allow you to get some rest especially if your mental health is deteriorating

I would stop worrying about potential future children (and would seriously think about whether you actually want to stay with this man and have another child with him now you know how shit he is) and focus on short term survival. He needs to step up and you need to prioritise rest. I felt completely different if I managed a 4 hour stretch so maybe focus on that - can you go to bed and sleep from 8 til midnight and he takes that shift? Assuming you are BF could you express and he does a bottle in that time? Or he could take the baby from 3am to 7am. Does the baby nap in the day? Make sure you are using that time to rest, not do any housework etc

Him being a teacher doesnt mean he needs protected sleep to the detriment of your health thats mad.

Your husband is a dick.
Sending you a hug, OP. I had terrible sleeper (later diagnosed with food allergies), I know how it feels.

I haven't read the whole thread, but there are definitely medications you can take for PND that allows you to continue to co-sleep.
I took sertraline at first and later mirtazapine (Due to adverse reaction to sertraline). Mirtazapine IS one that makes you drowsy, but I didn't start that until LO was 9 months and I didn't find it actually impacted my ability to wake up.

He needs to step up.

People have done other things which may or may not work but the important thing is he needs to help

my DH did no night feeds and I was responsible for baby 11-6. So when he got home from work I would go to bed and when he woke up he would take baby for a couple of hours before going to work. I then also slept when baby slept during the day. At weekends I could sleep as much as I wanted and he would take baby.

this will pass but at this time you are struggling and a supportive partner helps

Do you have any family nearby that could give you a break to catch up on sleep?

What an awful and incredibly unhelpful thing to say. Does he normally lack empathy?

What happens at the weekend?

You have had a lot of great advice already, and the number of people commenting hopefully shows you that you arent alone in this experience. My main points - all of which I think have already been raised:

This does not last forever. Your baby is very little. It feels like it stretches on for eternity, but they change all the time and sleep will come back to you at some point.

You need to try shifts - if you can manage a 4 hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep every night, it is a game changer. That was my magic number. If baby is combi fed, there is zero excuse for your DH not to be doing at least until 1/2am every night.

Don't be ashamed of co-sleeping. Talk to GP about safe meds.

Does he do any night wakings at the weekend?

There is half term coming up he can do a week of them to help you recharge your batteries and get baby into a new routine

On the subject of having another child (regardless of his adoption comment) the person who doesn’t want a child trumps the person who wants another. Don’t bring a child into the world when one parent doesn’t want them

He heard you were going to abandon your baby and countered with so would he. You both love your baby and each other and are exhausted. Nobody is leaving anyone and you know that because you are pondering how you feel about him going forward. Don’t let this become a thing.

You don’t say if the baby is bottle or breast fed, but it sounds like hunger to me. Add half an ounce to your evening feed and see if that stretches the sleep. You are nearing introducing solids which holds things in the stomach and is more “filling” so I expect you’ve just got a hungry one.

Does he held over night on the weekends or holidays? Does he do a shift at night or a turn at getting up on a morning?
He should be doing all of these. I'm a teacher so I do get it but he is also being a dick. Neither if mine slept through until at least 2 years so I had a year if teaching and crap sleep but DH helped.
Tbh I had a bit of a meltdown at a similar ages to yours is now and we made some bug changes as I was at breaking point.

This phase does not last forever. I know it feels like it but it really doesn't. Your partner needs to do until midnight/1am whilst you have a stretch of unbroken sleep. Honestly he sounds like a right knob. Please don't consider having another child with him. I can't imagine a father saying they would put their child up for adoption- tired or not! It doesn't sound like he has a bond with your child.

You are just exhausted. I remember at this stage both my children were the same and I felt the same! It’s the lack of sleep.
The only way I survived it was co-sleeping.
I set up in the other bedroom and co slept with baby in there. It helped massively.
Be gentle with yourself during this period xx

Can you go to bed as soon as he gets home from work and leave them downstairs with a bottle? I kind of agree that he shouldn’t have to wake up in the night if he has work the next day but he should be doing everything else he can to support you, and sharing wake ups at weekends and in the holidays. And you need to find a way to get a stretch of at least 4 consecutive hours; if that means you go to bed at 6pm and sleep till 10 then you should do that. I had twins and this was the only way I got any sleep for a good long while. Sleep deprivation is honestly a killer.

oh OP I hear you and went through the same thing.

1. you are not a shit mum
2. it is a phase. However shit it feels, it will pass. Keep telling yourself that. Prioritise sleep over everything else, and that will help you cope
3. you are not a shit mum
4. keep saying out loud, to DH, repeatedly: ‘we are a team. We need to work together’. Use this for everything - night feeds, washing up, etc.
5. you are not a shit mum
6. call your family. Don’t be proud. Ask friends to visit. I wish I had done that more
7. you are lot a shit mum

plus all the excellent other advice posted above.
Re the adoption comment: I would address this later if he doesn’t start pulling his weight. Actions speak louder than words, he will show you who he is.

My DH is not a teacher but he took a long time to adjust to parenthood. There is a 5 year gap between my children. He got there in the end…

he was unsure about this one.

No surprise he is acting this way then.

DP is very reluctant to share the night load due to his job. I think we would share if I insist, but I'm worried that if I insist it will put him off having another child

Don't bring another child into this world. He is a crap father but to be fair he wasn't sure and you are thinking about what if you have a second. What is wrong with you?

I couldn’t forgive my DH if he said he’d give our children up for adoption unless it was very clearly a joke. I think your DP was trying to be manipulative and hurt you.

DD1 would only sleep on someone for the first few months of her life so we used to take it in turns. DD2 slept better but we still took it in turns. My DH never sees our children as entirely my responsibility - they’re joint and he expects himself to be an equal part in parenting them.

You need to seriously ask yourself why you would have more children with a man who is such an inadequate father and partner. I mean that with all sincerity.

Yes, in short, of course he needs to step up. But will he without resentment and causing your wellbeing any further damage? I have my doubts.

So you have any extra funds to afford a temporary night nanny or a day nanny (which would be cheaper) to allow you some rest and perhaps advice on help for baby’s sleeping?

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. It sounds like both of you might be struggling with your mental health above the typical new parent tiredness.
I have 4 children, and the sleep you describe is completely normal in my experience, all of mine woke up that much for most of the first year at least. I wonder if part of your struggle is feeling the responsibility of it all, because your husband sounds completely unwilling to help you. Him saying he would put your child up for adoption is awful, but you had also just said you wanted to walk out so you're both feeling pretty strong feelings at the moment. I'd think the best thing is for you to go to sleep early and him to support night wakings until midnight or so, then you take over and that way you both get a reasonable stretch of undisturbed sleep. It will get better, but it sounds like he needs to be on your team more. It might not be the best idea to have another child with him if this is how having one is going, because multiple children is a lot more work and stress.

@Sosotiredandconfused lots of advice on this thread and I hope you’re feeling better today.

i wanted to give you some advice that worked for us: mixed feeding. I went to sleep at the same time as the baby (around 8pm) and then dh stayed up for the first feed of the night (around midnight). That meant I got a solid few hours until 1 or 2 am, I was breastfeeding but dh fed dc formula with a bottle and it was fine.

like your dh, mine pretty much refused to share the night wakings and I was totally totally exhausted. Some babies sleep through early on and others don’t, so you need some strategies to make this sustainable in the longer term.

look after yourself, and I hope you’re getting some rest today x

If it helps I'd says that what you describe is not abnormal for a 5 month old. She's not a terrible sleeper, you're not doing anything wrong.

Maybe look into gentle sleep training at 6 months if it doesn't improve and you're really struggling. I used Lucy wolfe, support method- worked very well and you stay with baby.

Your DH should be helping currently.

He’s a teacher, not a surgeon. He needs to grow up and be a father.

Well he sounds delightful! What a horrid thing to say. I would highly advise no more kids with him until he proves that he’s all in with this one. He’s being an absolute twat.

The most important thing for you right now is to get some semi decent sleep. Go to bed early, co sleep if that works for you, don’t worry about jobs that need doing during the day, have a nap if you can,
they aren’t going anywhere, (is he helping out around the house BTW? Or is he expecting you to do everything?) focus on trying to be as rested as possible. This stage doesn’t last forever, even though it feels like it does, it will pass.

Set your expectations accordingly re DD’s sleep, it sounds normal enough to me but I fully appreciate that that statement is no help at all when you’re knackered with a useless lump of a husband who isn’t helping you get the main thing you need to function as a semi reasonable human being, but knowing what to expect at different stages can be helpful, if only in a ‘it’s not just me’ kind of way.

Talk here if it helps. Get the thoughts out. Someone will be around for a handhold. See your GP if you think PND is at play.

We managed this by me going to bed at 8. My husband would have the baby and
put them to bed. He would then do then11 o'clock feed. Then when 2 am came about i had 6 hours sleep.

Gosh what an utterly hideous thing for him to say.

My DD was not a great sleeper and I found waiting to hear her wake up exhausting. I chucked DH in to the spare room and I co slept with her in our Super King Size.

She is 26 now and I still haven’t had an unbroken nights sleep since she was born. Doesn’t stress me out now but I never got over that waiting for the cry.

Good luck. This too will pass.

But your DH will continue to be a twat.

I think right now is not the time to focus on what was said at 2am.
First off you need support. It's nearly half term, can he do nights for 1 week and you sleep in a spare room with earplugs? You need rest. Sleep deprivation is torture for a reason, it is very hard to think straight.
I am glad youre seeing the GP too. Hopefully with some sleep and a proper check up you can work out what's going to help you.
Once youve had some sleep and can think clearly then you can sit down for a conversation with DH. Ask him if he meant what he said, talk about the support you wanted at the time (which was empathy not some overreaction) and see what he says.
Good luck. Bad sleepers are hard to bear. My oldest ws the same.