DH comment during night wakings

[Sosotiredandconfused]

I have a 5 month old DD who is a terrible sleeper. She'll do a 2-3 hour stretch at first and then will wake every 1-2 hours for the rest of the night. This has now been going on for 2 months. I do all of the night wakings as DP is working. He's a teacher and finds his job stressful and hard.

I'm getting to the point where I've hit a brick wall with the night wakings and am struggling to cope. I suspect I may have PND. I'm already in therapy and have an appointment booked with my GP to discuss medication, although I'm not sure if any will be compatible with co-sleeping, which I do for part of the night as the only way to get some sleep.

I am struggling to keep going with the nights and am at my wits end. I get very emotionally distressed when the baby wakes up - feeling angry and frustrated. I can't stop crying and struggle to motivate myself to do anything. To be clear none of this is directed at DD - I always leave her safe in her crib and leave the room to try and get a hold of my emotions. I don't see how I can continue to do this. DP is very reluctant to share the night load due to his job. I think we would share if I insist, but I'm worried that if I insist it will put him off having another child - he was unsure about this one.

I suspect DP thinks my reaction to the night wakings are over the top and he says I have no choice other than to just get on with it. During one waking tonight I was trying to explain how I feel - that I can't carry on anymore and have hit a brick wall. I said I felt like just walking out. I think he took that to mean permanently (I meant I just wanted to leave the house and remove myself from the situation so someone else could deal with it). He said if I left he'd have to put DD up for adoption as he wouldn't be able to cope with looking after her and working. I didn't know what to say to that so pointed out that she's a joint responsibility and not just mine, and would he put her up for adoption if I died? He said maybe if my parents couldn't help out (they live 1.5hrs away). I was very shocked and just got on with getting DD settled and told him to go back to bed.

I don't know whether to just take this as something said when emotions were high at 2am and just leave it, or bring it up again tomorrow. If I should bring it up I'm not sure how to approach it. Its made me think he sees DD as just my responsibility and has made me feel more alone and like everything is on me. It's even more surprising as he was great when he was on paternity leave - couldn't have been more supportive/ done more for us.

Any tips on getting DD to sleep/how to get through also appreciated. I feel I've tried everything - late/early bedtime, strict/relaxed routine, big bottle before bed (she's combi fed), warm room/ cool room.

Also grateful if you could go easy on my behaviour during the night wakes. I feel ashamed enough as it is and like a shit mum already.

Its really tough when someone's sleep deprived or stressed, and a jokey 'id give her away to the circus' or a less jokey 'she's doing my f-cking head in' would be understandable, but I think what he said to you was really fucked up.
Im really sorry that you are in this position. He should be thinking of ways he can support you, not just leaving it all to you. Its a horrible way to realise someone doesnt actually love you like you thought they did, you and your girl deserve better.

The potential problem with that is that as a teacher he might be marking/lesson planning in the evenings. But I don't see why he can't do Friday or Saturday night. Or both.

Sorry you're going through this. Your husband has a baby who is not sleeping well too and needs to take some responsibility! Does he do Friday/Saturday night? School holidays? Have you tried a dummy? This was a game changer for my DD

Teacher and mum of 2 here, with a teacher husband.

Firstly, I can empathise - DS is a rubbish sleeper (now 3.5 years old). Don’t think there is some magic fix, some babies sleep well others don’t IMO. You’ll drive yourself crazy thinking there is more you should be doing, but some babies just don’t sleep very well, and it compounds how hard being a new mum already is. I did everything the same as DS with DD (8mo) and I just got lucky second time as she sleeps. It’s DS waking us up not her!

Try safe cosleeping, this is the only thing that in the end saved my sanity and allowed all of us to sleep.

Your DH is being unreasonable to not help at all. I have always been mindful of DH when he is at school and I’m off. But ultimately, he has always pulled his weight with the nights when I’ve struggled regardless of teaching the next day.

Bit of parenting advice is to not worry about hypotheticals in the future, especially ones that are out of your control (him wanting a second child) and don’t let them affect your decisions in the present. Ask your DH to step up because you need him to right now.

I'm surprised how many posters seem to be putting your husband on a Big Job pedestal because he's a teacher. I've never come across a teacher who felt this exempted them completely from night wakings with their own child.

The threat that you should put your child up for adoption as he wasn't going to help is almost unbelievable. He told you to shut up and put up. He sounds stupid as well as nasty.

I seem to be in the minority here, but I actually don’t think your husband should necessarily be doing night wakings if he has to get up early for work. Unless he has a very relaxed job or starts much later in the day? My partner was up at 4am for work and there genuinely was no safe way for him to function properly on broken sleep. Meanwhile I was home with the baby, exhausted too of course, but at least able to rest in bits during the day.

Of course if you are feeling ill or very broken there should be a couple of days respite for you where either dh or someone else steps in so you can rest. But generally the one who is off work should take the nights. That doesn’t mean what you’re doing isn’t incredibly hard. It is. I’m not minimising it at all. I remember the emotional meltdowns vividly, rocking baby every two hours in the dark, crying silently thinking “what the hell is this torture?” The sleep deprivation is brutal and it can make you feel desperately alone. It also makes emotions huge and distorted. You absolutely did the right thing by stepping away to catch your breath.

I said things I didn’t really mean in those moments too and dh snapped back sometimes as well. Honestly, that first year is survival mode. I very much doubt your husband literally means he doesn’t love your baby. It sounds more like panic and overwhelm about the pressure of being the financial provider and wondering how he could cope if he had to do everything alone.

At 5 months, you are really in the thick of it but soooo close to things improving. It doesn’t suddenly become easy overnight, but it does gradually get better. What helped me most was almost mentally surrendering to the season I was in instead of fighting every bad night. Accepting that nights would probably be broken somehow made them feel less shocking and upsetting.

One huge practical thing: sleep in the day whenever the baby sleeps, in whatever little increments you can. Once I stopped trying to “get things done” during naps and started sleeping instead it changed everything. Humans can adapt surprisingly well to broken sleep if we get rest in chunks — look up polyphasic sleeping, which is basically what most mums end up doing in the first months. A couple of decent daytime naps can make the nights feel much more manageable.

Also as a compromise, can partner take one feed before leaving for work which will guarantee you a sleep chunk of around four hours? We used to do this sometimes, I would text him if the last feed was at 2am, so he fed baby before getting ready for work.

And honestly, some of those night feeds and cuddles ended up becoming some of my strongest bonding memories with my baby. Often baby just wants a cuddle and to know mama is still there. As hard as it is, sometimes reframing it from “this is torture” to “this is a very short season” can help emotionally.

Most importantly, remember you and your husband are on the same team, just with different roles right now. Don’t let the exhaustion convince you you’re enemies. I hope this helps a bit and good luck x

It's not putting him on a pedestal, it's pointing out that if he can't do his paid work then they won't be better off.

When we had a couple of months of bad sleep, I was also given the advice of ‘sleep when the baby sleeps’ - except baby solely contact naps so it’s impossible. It’s not always as straightforward as catching up on broken sleep during the day unfortunately.

I've not read the full thread but "H" should at least be doing Friday night and Saturday night when he doesn't have to get up for work. I mean he should be doing more but at least get him to do this. If he's not prepared to even do this then he's a selfish twat or alternatively scared of your baby which he needs to overcome

I echo sleeping in the same room as the baby

edited for missing word

I’m a teacher and I think your husband is being really unfair. Yes, it is a stressful job at times, but one of the things I love about teaching is that it has peaks and troughs. So while I don’t doubt that there will be times when he’s more exhausted, there should also be times when he can step up more and give you a break.

What’s he like at weekends and during the holidays?

Honestly, one thing I’ve noticed since being back at work after maternity leave, is the number of women who make use of flexible working options compared to men. Of the 6 staff members who became parents in the last couple of years (3 men, 3 women), all 3 of the women have either gone part time or stepped back from a TLR, and all 3 men have continued as normal - one even just got a promotion to Assistant Head. Female teachers seem prepared to sacrifice their career prospects to make parenting work. There is no law to say that men can’t, they just choose not to (and before anyone says that the men might need to do this because they might be the higher earner - of those 6, I know this: woman 1 is the higher earner, woman 2 is the higher earner, woman 3 is married to another teacher, man 1 is married to another teacher, man 2 is married to someone in the Civil Service who is a former teacher and left for better pay, and I don’t know what man 3’s wife does).

You shouldn’t even be talking to him at 2am when he had work the next day.

Both of you were talking rubbish as it was 2am and you had a crying baby to deal with.
Neither of you should ever bring up what the other one said again.

As he’s working, it’s important that he gets his sleep.
However, he should be doing 50/50 once he gets home.

Let him get home, eat and have a shower etc and then go to bed.
Have him bring baby to you when they need feeding.
It just means you might get a couple of hours uninterrupted sleep before your normal bedtime.

On the weekends share the nights.
You go to sleep at say 6pm.
DH should be responsible between 6pm-12.
Then you take over from 12-6
Both of you will get a decent chunk of sleep.

Are you BF?
That obviously makes a massive difference in how much DH can help.
I would seriously consider bottle feeding as that’s the only way my DC slept.

As some else said- he’s not a pilot or surgeon. It won’t kill him to help you. If he feels he can’t look after children on so little sleep, how the hell does he expect you to!

We are not meant to deal with these things alone. No one can keep going when exhausted. I know people act different when stressed, but he is showing you his real personality. Don’t have more kids with him as this will be your life.

@Duckiewasthefirstniceguy

I’m glad you’re getting help. I’ve often thought that what’s termed PND is just a natural human reaction to everything being a bit shit for a while. It does get better, I promise.

I also thought that PND was a natural human reaction but a mental health worker corrected me. It’s not “just” PND, it’s considered to be more serious that a general depressive episode.

There are many medications that can help and are suitable for when cosleeping. I took sertraline throughout my last pregnancy and breastfeeding and cosleeping.

Aside from all of this, DH could definitely step up more, he could do some night wakings at the weekend, at half term. And suggesting that he’d put the child up for adoption is pure manipulation. He’s telling you that he won’t step under any circumstances. I’d be working out how much a divorce would cost him, so
he can see what the results are going to be for him if he doesn’t step up.

There is no good marriage where one partner has a 24/7 role and one has an 8-6 role. ‘Different roles’ my ass.

Taking the baby to a cranial osteopath might be helpful.
Your husband needs to take some responsibility. Someone said above that he's not a surgeon or a pilot and that's right so he ought to be the one who gets up at night some of the time. These days everyone's job is harder than it was so that's no excuse.
You may have PND but you could just be tired and dispirited which is bad enough.
I wouldn't take what husband says when sleepy and irritable that seriously unless he carries on being difficult.
You need to sit him down and explain how you feel and that you need his support. Tell him that when he says what he did it makes you feel bad etc.
Can you engineer it that someone looks after the baby for a couple of hours here and there? If so you can use that time to sleep - don't be tempted to catch up with housework.
Things will get better over time and you'll get through this.

I never said that though did I.

Driving whilst tired is just as dangerous as drink driving.

We wouldn’t encourage someone to drive after they’ve been drinking, which is basically what we’d be doing if we said he should do the nights and then drive.

He is looking after 30+ children all day and as a parent, I would like to know that my child is being looked after properly, is getting a good education and taught by a teacher who isn’t going to be snappy or make silly mistakes - all of which is going to be affected by lack of sleep.

I think it’s very important that he gets his sleep and so he shouldn’t be waking up in the night.
However, he should be pulling his weight during evenings and weekends and that’s when OP can be catching up on her sleep.

Wow your partner is a total A-hole!!! He doesn't deserve to be a Dad.

I am so sorry you're struggling. First of all, you must sleep whenever you can Everything else can wait. If DD sleeps for a long nap during the day, yo do it too. Sleep deprivation is awful.

Could you afford a night nanny for a while? Not sure if that would help. It does get better. Please hang in there.

Genuine question - if both parents are back at work, baby still isn’t sleeping and mum is a teacher, what would you say needs to happen then?

Do you have any friends or family you can talk to? If you were my daughter I’d help you especially if your partner is not being supportive. What he said is horrible. Could you go and stay with your parents or siblings for a while for support? Especially with PND.

no disrespect to teachers, but his job is not so stressful that he cannot do a few wakings here and then. he’s just more invested in it than in your baby/you - since he’d put her up for adoption. what a complete w.

How’s the babies sleep in the day? Babies only need so much sleep.

your baby could maybe have baby porridge (omg I had one that loved it before bed as milk was not enough)
What about hungry baby formula
Is it a pain cry? Teeth? Allergic to cows milk?
Reflux? Can wedge the mattress at an angle slightly.
Wet nappy? I swear I could have one that was toilet trained by 4 months one spot of wee screamed the house down loved bone dry nappies
I had mobile and light sensory over the ceiling.
Too hot or too cold? Mittens on? Brushed cotton cot sheet seems to give a warmer feeling than just cotton as mine knew cotton cot sheet scream.
Can you baby move to another room (I mean which baby doesn’t want its mummy) but they will smell you and want you.

I had 2 terrible sleeper omg it’s awful. In a morning I used to walk up the street with the pram as soon as asleep go back to the house and catch up on sleep on the sofa same in the pm.
Not liked on mumsnet but I did have 2 that LOVED their dummies and just would want to suck (I’d pay a million pounds for those even bought glow up in the dark ones 🤣)
Id get your “partner” to do the 1st bottle at 10 so you have a chunk of sleep.

Also, Friday and Saturday night he can help more. Plus weekends you can catch up daytime.

I really feel for you OP - it’s will get better! If the baby is screaming I used to put mine in a baby bath in the middle of the night to let them get rid of energy and kick it out, bottle and then they would go back to sleep. It’s exhausting though. Keep going you got this 💪

Also he’s checked out - so try to work on this yourself and you might feel less resentment (it’s not right though especially when exhausted)

Any grandparents / mum that can stay over and help? With a feed.

Keep going your doing amazing!

You’re doing everything right, including getting some outside help with your mental health.
Getting a little more sleep will definitely help. Is it possible that you feed baby around 8.30-9ish and then go straight to bed alone and leave DH on duty for burping/changing/soothing/cuddling until 11ish? Then he can hand her over and get to bed (ideally in a different room) and avoid the night waking. You would be heading into the night shift with a solid couple of hours.
It can only get better, and he will be on school holidays soon enough.
Well done for asking about meds. It made an enormous difference to me.

Then it would be 50/50.

But if one is at home all day then they should do all of the weekday nights.
Especially if it means they can nap during the day.

Has the baby got wind? You can buy drops for tummy ache and also when it’s awake in the night on the bed with you and kicking their legs it will make them tired. Also, if teeth is coming through you can feel the gums bonjela (or you can get powdered organic more friendly) but I was all for take the pain away …..