DH comment during night wakings

[Sosotiredandconfused]

I have a 5 month old DD who is a terrible sleeper. She'll do a 2-3 hour stretch at first and then will wake every 1-2 hours for the rest of the night. This has now been going on for 2 months. I do all of the night wakings as DP is working. He's a teacher and finds his job stressful and hard.

I'm getting to the point where I've hit a brick wall with the night wakings and am struggling to cope. I suspect I may have PND. I'm already in therapy and have an appointment booked with my GP to discuss medication, although I'm not sure if any will be compatible with co-sleeping, which I do for part of the night as the only way to get some sleep.

I am struggling to keep going with the nights and am at my wits end. I get very emotionally distressed when the baby wakes up - feeling angry and frustrated. I can't stop crying and struggle to motivate myself to do anything. To be clear none of this is directed at DD - I always leave her safe in her crib and leave the room to try and get a hold of my emotions. I don't see how I can continue to do this. DP is very reluctant to share the night load due to his job. I think we would share if I insist, but I'm worried that if I insist it will put him off having another child - he was unsure about this one.

I suspect DP thinks my reaction to the night wakings are over the top and he says I have no choice other than to just get on with it. During one waking tonight I was trying to explain how I feel - that I can't carry on anymore and have hit a brick wall. I said I felt like just walking out. I think he took that to mean permanently (I meant I just wanted to leave the house and remove myself from the situation so someone else could deal with it). He said if I left he'd have to put DD up for adoption as he wouldn't be able to cope with looking after her and working. I didn't know what to say to that so pointed out that she's a joint responsibility and not just mine, and would he put her up for adoption if I died? He said maybe if my parents couldn't help out (they live 1.5hrs away). I was very shocked and just got on with getting DD settled and told him to go back to bed.

I don't know whether to just take this as something said when emotions were high at 2am and just leave it, or bring it up again tomorrow. If I should bring it up I'm not sure how to approach it. Its made me think he sees DD as just my responsibility and has made me feel more alone and like everything is on me. It's even more surprising as he was great when he was on paternity leave - couldn't have been more supportive/ done more for us.

Any tips on getting DD to sleep/how to get through also appreciated. I feel I've tried everything - late/early bedtime, strict/relaxed routine, big bottle before bed (she's combi fed), warm room/ cool room.

Also grateful if you could go easy on my behaviour during the night wakes. I feel ashamed enough as it is and like a shit mum already.

I had a very poor sleep hygiene with our first and struggled to get back to sleep after wake ups and we did a split that helped me and didn’t impact his sleep too much. I did a breastfeed at 7 pm ish and baby slept until 11 ish ( this varied) and my husband did that feed with a bottle and I went to bed sometimes at 8.30 or 9 and I slept until the next wake up which sometimes was 2 ish so I got 5 hours straight and then maybe another hour here and there after 2 pm but it made me cope with the day better - he slept from 11.30 to morning and was fine to work.
This is completely separate from his comment and wrt that I think get a few nights sleep yourself and then sit down together and tell him how his comment made you feel - he needs to see that this was a terrible thing to say but could have been a ‘middle of the night knackered’ thing or could be more serious (?) but I would want to talk this over

And what if both people were working? Who’d take priority then?

Then it would obviously be 50/50.

Surely if you were working FT and your DH wasn’t working you would expect them to do more of the parenting, especially during the nights?

But isn’t looking after a baby also working? Just because it’s unpaid doesn’t mean it’s not work ffs

No it’s not.

That’s why you say SAHP or working parent.

Else you’d just say everyone was a working parent even if they didn’t have a job.

Grab sleep whenever you can and don’t have another child with this man.

God forbid you become ill or need to be hospitalised. He’s useless.

I’m assuming he helps on Friday/Saturday nights? Actually I know the answer, of course he doesn’t. He needs to help out. My partner is a paramedic, and still helped out during the night when we were in the trenches with ds. It’s part of being a parent. It’s about survival in the early/poor sleeping days. For everyone, not just him. I had terrible pnd with my first, when I was a single parent with a colicky/wakeful baby and nothing with my second when I had a partner who pulled his weight.

If Co sleeping is easier, do that and your DH can sleep in the baby’s room if he refuses to help. It will get easier, but you need to take care of you too.

DH has a full on job but he did his share still. He would stay downstairs until 11pp/12 with DD until she had the night feed. I’d go to bed about 9pm.
Hed put DD in our room and then sleep in the spare room until around 6ish and then take her again until I got up at 7.40. So I’d do 11/12-6am.
we both would get enough sleep between us until she slept more.

Op I sympathise! My first was not a sleepy kid and my dh was less than useless.
I ended up bed sharing with dc in a separate room. I got some sleep that way. They do eventually sleep but the resentment you will feel towards dh if he doesn’t step up will linger.

I disagree, that terminology refers to work outside the home but looking after a small baby is (more than) a full time job.

If you can afford it hire. Night nurse to get yourself back on track and help with routine.

hope things get better for you OP no advice on the husband front that’s your decision to make…..

I think you also need to recognise that the pressure he has now put on you will not be helpful to your mental state. He’s essentially said ‘shut up and put up’ because he won’t

perhaps you need to tell the doctor you don’t have support at home so they have the full picture when advising you

I just think he’s not exhausted , he’s not up all night every night, and that comment is not ok and he needs to know it. I’d draw a line- say I’m going to move to my mums as if mum and dad are baby’s parents if I die they really need to form a strong bond, and god knows you’re not bonding with baby and actively severing any bonds we used to have, so no point being here with you. Make it super clear that there isn’t tolerance for that shit.

My Dh and myself used to get 6 hrs each. I would feed the baby just before 9 and then sleep until about 3. He would do the 12 and 6am feeds which worked for us. My DD was a month early so she fed often only taking small amounts at a time. Its all about give and take, one person should not have to do all the night feeds. Its a team effort!

It's funny how he thinks you're over reacting to the lack of sleep yet he wouldn't even entertain the idea of himself doing one or two of the waking shifts because he couldn't cope with the lack of sleep.......

So considering DH is a teacher, if OP is back to FT working by the summer holidays - are you going to tell OP that she should still be doing 50/50 nights as DH is still working?

You’re saying that over the summer holidays DH will still be working as he’ll be doing the parenting.

I am assuming that every poster on here that says DH should be doing 50/50 night wakings is going to say the same to OP when she’s back working FT and he’s on the summer holidays.

I suggested something similar and think this is a perfect solution.
I’m glad someone has actually tried it and it worked for them.

OP can go to bed early and DH take over and she could have a good chunk of sleep before he goes to bed.
OP should be able to get at least 7 hours sleep in total most nights if they did this.

He will then also get a decent amount of sleep and not be as tired the next day.

He is an absolute dickhead. Please show him these posts. My now 18 month old was exactly like what you describe, but I have an actual partner in his Dad.

He did every second night wakings, feedings and changing while I was on maternity leave because guess what, I was working all day too with the baby.

Oh, I'm also a teacher in a very difficult state secondary school. Maternity leave is far more difficult. Your partner is a shit partner and an even worse Dad.

I'm not even going to comment on the adoption discussion, I would have walked out there and then.

Also...do NOT have another child with this man. Tell your HV how you are feeling or go to your GP.

Can everyone stop using the phrase 'helping out' it's his bloody child.

Your DD is not a terrible sleeper. She is pretty average for her age. I hope that will dampen the anger, frustration and the constant need to try things to get her to sleep longer. If anything, babies do better with consistency.

I also can relate to the brick wall, I think we all feel that at some point. For me, I was back at work FT and so my baby started to sleep all day and then nurse all night. Every 2hrs she would wake up and I’d have to do a night feed. However, after feeding her, I would wake up my husband who also worked full time and he would do the winding, nappy change and walk/sing her back to sleep. He kept a pedometer and said at one point he’d get all his steps in for the day by 5am!

It is a very tough period and even tougher for you as your husband isn’t doing anything to help. Just because he works, it doesn’t mean he gets to opt out of being a dad. Try and find a compromise where he does something at night or some of the night.

I would not put much store by what you and he said. He thought you meant it when you said you felt like just leaving and mistook it as a permanent I’m leaving you and the baby forever. So his reaction of I’d have to adopt DD out if I got no help was from shock and panic. It’s best to not dwell on these things.

I would think some of what may be pushing you towards PND is being too hard on yourself and your husband not doing his fair share of parenting. You are doing fantastic for your DD, but you need him to take his turns with DD so you can take care of yourself.

He said if I left he'd have to put DD up for adoption as he wouldn't be able to cope with looking after her and working. I didn't know what to say to that so pointed out that she's a joint responsibility and not just mine, and would he put her up for adoption if I died? He said maybe if my parents couldn't help out (they live 1.5hrs away). I was very shocked and just got on with getting DD settled and told him to go back to bed.

Bloody hell. This knobhead is a teacher. He doesn't even care about his own child.

You have my sympathy OP.

My youngest woke up every 2-3 hours for 3 years. I did all the nights, even when I went back to work, as DH wanted to sleep train and I refused.

Sleep disruption long term is ghastly!! I couldn’t risk having a third baby because of it.

I remember wishing I could have a stint in hospital just so I could sleep 🙈

With hindsight, I wish I’d hired someone to do the night shift twice a week. Instead I had PND and piled on so much weight, which I’ve since had to lose.

I think what you’ve described is normal for such a young baby. It will end when she is bigger and I hope you’re able to find help soon!!

WTAF is wrong with him saying he'd put DD up for adoption if you left or died?? OP I'm so sorry about your absolute twat of a husband.

I am a teacher and yes it's tiring but I went back to work while my DS was still sleeping similarly to yours at 11.5 months! Same thing, about a 2h stretch in the crib then up and feeding at least every 2 hours. Co sleeping was the only way I could get through it and my DH would do his flexible WFH job hours mostly at night so he could keep an eye on us, he would also always make dinner and did the majority of the cleaning as I was basically always on baby duty.

It could be PND or it could be that you're absolutely shattered and don't have support at home. Can you find a trusted mother's help to come look after DD for a few hours a day while you get some sleep? Or take DD to your parents' for a while?

You didn't want to sleep train so he did no night wakings? And you're still together? Why?