DH comment during night wakings

[Sosotiredandconfused]

I have a 5 month old DD who is a terrible sleeper. She'll do a 2-3 hour stretch at first and then will wake every 1-2 hours for the rest of the night. This has now been going on for 2 months. I do all of the night wakings as DP is working. He's a teacher and finds his job stressful and hard.

I'm getting to the point where I've hit a brick wall with the night wakings and am struggling to cope. I suspect I may have PND. I'm already in therapy and have an appointment booked with my GP to discuss medication, although I'm not sure if any will be compatible with co-sleeping, which I do for part of the night as the only way to get some sleep.

I am struggling to keep going with the nights and am at my wits end. I get very emotionally distressed when the baby wakes up - feeling angry and frustrated. I can't stop crying and struggle to motivate myself to do anything. To be clear none of this is directed at DD - I always leave her safe in her crib and leave the room to try and get a hold of my emotions. I don't see how I can continue to do this. DP is very reluctant to share the night load due to his job. I think we would share if I insist, but I'm worried that if I insist it will put him off having another child - he was unsure about this one.

I suspect DP thinks my reaction to the night wakings are over the top and he says I have no choice other than to just get on with it. During one waking tonight I was trying to explain how I feel - that I can't carry on anymore and have hit a brick wall. I said I felt like just walking out. I think he took that to mean permanently (I meant I just wanted to leave the house and remove myself from the situation so someone else could deal with it). He said if I left he'd have to put DD up for adoption as he wouldn't be able to cope with looking after her and working. I didn't know what to say to that so pointed out that she's a joint responsibility and not just mine, and would he put her up for adoption if I died? He said maybe if my parents couldn't help out (they live 1.5hrs away). I was very shocked and just got on with getting DD settled and told him to go back to bed.

I don't know whether to just take this as something said when emotions were high at 2am and just leave it, or bring it up again tomorrow. If I should bring it up I'm not sure how to approach it. Its made me think he sees DD as just my responsibility and has made me feel more alone and like everything is on me. It's even more surprising as he was great when he was on paternity leave - couldn't have been more supportive/ done more for us.

Any tips on getting DD to sleep/how to get through also appreciated. I feel I've tried everything - late/early bedtime, strict/relaxed routine, big bottle before bed (she's combi fed), warm room/ cool room.

Also grateful if you could go easy on my behaviour during the night wakes. I feel ashamed enough as it is and like a shit mum already.

@BleedinglyObvious

Monday to Friday she should be doing them all. Not the weekend. Also, parenting involves more than just night feeds. Perhaps he is taking over as soon as he gets in? Doing the bed time/ bath routine? Who knows. I stand by my opinion though. It sounds like he wasn’t keen on even having baby number 1 (not that that’s a get out of jail card for him because it isn’t) but it’s not someone who i would really want to have a second baby with.

It is also contextual with certain jobs making it incredibly hard to do night feeds and teaching is most certainly one of them jobs. My husband did most the night wakings when I was teaching as he worked from home. Worked for us!

During my actual maternity leave though I did them all. I would say on reflection, it was always 50/50 depending on the context of our lives at the time.

No one is saying it isn’t tough. We all know it’s tough.

It is also contextual with certain jobs making it incredibly hard to do night feeds and teaching is most certainly one of them jobs.
I forgot that teaching is so hard and so stressful.

@BurnoutBeewhy do you assume what would work for your family works for all other families? The arrangement currently is not working for the OP so it needs to change.

@PancakeCloud

OP laid out her situation and I gave my opinion. I said I don’t think the husband is being unreasonable and I stand by that. Is what it is if people disagree.

@BleedinglyObvious

Yep. Glad you agree.

I don't. She is burning out and he's watching it happen because looking after his own child is too much to ask of a male teacher.

@BleedinglyObvious

It isn’t really about the gender it’s about the set up. One working full time in a demanding job whilst the other one is off on maternity/paternity leave. Teaching is one profession whereby it’s extremely difficult to do with repeated night wake ups. Police, nurses, lawyers from the top of my head….. plenty of other jobs.

So what then? When that other person burns out? Where’s the money coming from?….. you look at your resources and you divide the labour in the most appropriate way, even if it is hard.

He’s not going to burn out by helping a couple of nights while she gets a decent nights sleep

as a teacher I’d ask him how many of his female colleagues are doing night wakings, and then tell him to be more supportive

as a pp said, he's not going to burn out from it.
OP has had months of barely no sleep.

@BleedinglyObvious

Wow you seem very sure of yourself there.

OP has a 5 month old baby. No one said that was easy. Some jobs are impossible though with broken sleep. OP can at least rest or nap in the day when baby allows. They’re not awake for 24 hours of the day.

I can read and comprehend the OP's posts. I'd expect someone claiming to be a teacher to be able to do so too.

@BleedinglyObvious

I have gave my opinion. And you don’t seem to like it. Interesting how he was “great” whilst off on paternity leave. 2am chats aren’t really the most coherent or emotionally stable either so I didn’t give too much credence to the adoption statement. Anyway, you’re really boring me now.

I still think husband isn’t being unreasonable. He clearly cannot teach and wake for night feeds. OP is going to have to get on with it.

Do not have a second.

I'm not planning on having any more, @BurnoutBee .

Yy to this. It doesn’t matter what’s “fair” and how the spreadsheet of free time stacks up, if the person you promised to love and cherish is on their knees with exhaustion and is manifestly overwhelmed. You step the fuck for your family, your life partner and your daughter, and you go to work a bit tired a few times if that’s what it takes for her health and sanity.

He sounds horrible and you need a long lie in at the weekend. And afternoon naps.

At 5 months baby isn’t ready for food. Breastmilk is complete nutrition.

OP can your husband look after baby when he gets home so you can get some sleep ahead of night time?

So many men not wanting children but doing it to please their partner..

They want children but they don't want to do any parenting.
The baby arrives and they lap it up for a couple of weeks then expect their mother to be nanny, housekeeper, PA and fuckbuddy.