Uncomfortable situation involving adult child's partner

[TenTenTenAgain]

My adult son has been with his gf for 4 years. She is from another country and is here on a student visa. They live together.

I've met her 3 times in 4 years , she is always invited to family gatherings but frequently refuses for various reasons. I feel like I don't know her and only recently learned her real name , she uses an English name due to pronunciation issues. The last time I saw her she was very rude , she shamed my son and mocked him about his job. He works ft and earns an average wage for a young man of his age.

They've asked me to sign a letter stating that they live together as a married couple for her new visa , as she's no longer a student. And put pressure on me to do so within a few hours. I said that I needed more information and asked her some questions , the last one of which was about how she sees the future with my son. She didn't respond and apparently phoned my son shouting about me being rude and throwing accusations at her. She then blocked me on social media.

My son sent me an apology message , but said that the pair of them have lots to talk about because of what has happened.

I'm confused and concerned. Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do?

So they need your help and are
rude and horrible to you?

She was , yes. I won't be signing that letter.

My main concern now is for my son's wellbeing and my relationship with him.

That was an odd question to ask, even under the circumstances. No wonder they're annoyed. Either sign the letter or don't, but don't quiz them about things that are none of your business!

She does sound rude but they do live together so why not just sign it? Why question her about her intentions? You aren't being asked to predict the future.

Thank you for your responses. I figured she'd say that she saw marriage or travelling etc in their future. I personally don't understand why it was a hard question to answer.

Putting your name to a document to say you believe they are living together as married presumably means she wanted to reassure herself that this was the case. As married doesn't mean 'passing relationship to get visa'.

If she's rude to her sons mother, she's not worth doing anything for and I'd tell her to do one.

Sounds like you want to split them up and not signing the letter will (you hope) achieve this as she won’t be able to stay in the country.

I think you overstepped. If your son wants her to stay that’s all that matters. You don’t know what their relationship is like. By your own admission you’ve hardly met her.

I would say try and get to know her, but that’s going to be much harder now.

I may be over interpreting what 'as married ' means

To be fair you could of signed it without integrating her.

To explain further , I have tried to get to know her which is why I added her on Facebook. I also sent birthday cards and a small gift each year and also Xmas gifts for them as a couple.

Yes I wasn’t sure what the requirements actually are.

‘Live together as a married couple would’

is different to

‘Live together and are a married couple’.

One is asking OP to lie; one isn’t. I assumed it was the former otherwise she’d have said they’d asked her to lie.

But you didn’t need to ask in that context. She probably felt you were prying and trying to find a reason not to sign.

Agree with everyone else. While she sounds rude and difficult, you did yourself no favours asking her questions like that.

I think I would have just written a letter that was factual without quizzing them e.g x and x live together. I have met X 3 times over a period of 4years. To the best of my knowledge they are in a long term relationship.

You basically just demonstrated really clearly that you don’t like her and don’t want her to stay.

They are living together, as if married. Signing the form to say that doesn’t require you to ask about their business.

If she’s worried about having to leave, you just made her even more worried. She’s in a very stressful situation and you made it harder.

@CaptainMyCaptain it's the opposite actually! I wanted to do it but wanted to speak with her first. I have very much made an effort with her all along.

Sounds like you've burnt your bridges there. This woman could end up being the mother of your grandchildren.

You’ve invited her to family gatherings which might feel like formal things. Ever gone for coffee with her 121? Lunch with the two of them? Near to their home rather than “summoning them” to yours?

You may well have, but on the brief info we have it feels that you’ve expected her/them to put in the effort.

I still think this is academic now as bridges are burned.

They've been together for 4 years. 'Living together as a married couple' means they share accommodation, eat together etc. I'm using a definition used when I worked for the DHSS. It has nothing to do with future intentions.

This.

Given her attitude towards you i don't see why you should sign this letter.
It comes over that she is using your son just to get a visa.

4 years. They're playing a long game in that case.

You need to speak with your son and check how he feels about the long term implications of agreeing to live together 'as married'. Her visa in the uk would be totally dependent on their relationship working out.

That's a lot of pressure. Is he willing to live with that pressure?

It certainly comes over that her partner's mother thinks she is using him to get a visa. I can see why she would find this offensive.