Uncomfortable situation involving adult child's partner

[TenTenTenAgain]

My adult son has been with his gf for 4 years. She is from another country and is here on a student visa. They live together.

I've met her 3 times in 4 years , she is always invited to family gatherings but frequently refuses for various reasons. I feel like I don't know her and only recently learned her real name , she uses an English name due to pronunciation issues. The last time I saw her she was very rude , she shamed my son and mocked him about his job. He works ft and earns an average wage for a young man of his age.

They've asked me to sign a letter stating that they live together as a married couple for her new visa , as she's no longer a student. And put pressure on me to do so within a few hours. I said that I needed more information and asked her some questions , the last one of which was about how she sees the future with my son. She didn't respond and apparently phoned my son shouting about me being rude and throwing accusations at her. She then blocked me on social media.

My son sent me an apology message , but said that the pair of them have lots to talk about because of what has happened.

I'm confused and concerned. Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do?

If she's so reliant on your help that she might actually be deported, she maybe shouldn't have been a rude bitch I guess.

Come on !

I am with you OP.
As per usual on here it’s very sexist. If this were a male needing the visa from a full time employed woman the answers would he very different. I too would want to ask questions OP.

She doesn't sound very nice. Is she using your son for a visa? Shes refused to spend time with his family and mocks him. The problem with not signing the letter could damage your relationship with your son. Good luck

As the 'MIL' here, you are going to get given a hard ride.

The last time I saw her she was very rude , she shamed my son and mocked him about his job.

This stood out for me. I would not be keen to help someone who is openly hostile to my child to get a visa, particularly if they wrote the letter for me and I was not certain of the content.

I was being asked to agree that she had regularly attended family functions and that she was seen as part of the family.

They literally want op to sign a letter saying that they live together as a married couple. Marriage is for life so how the two of them see the relationship is highly relevant. Op knew very little about the gf or her life together with her son and so asked some questions before agreeing to sign a legal document but she's the one being unreasonable? Is this the level of entitlement that exists now 'do what I ask without asking any questions otherwise I will punish you'. This has red flags all over it in so many different ways.

I think it’s obvious what you meant, don’t worry. People will jump on anything on here to blame the OP, but it was clearly an example of how little you’ve been able to get to know her and yet they want you to lie for them like this.

I would be wanting to read the letter carefully and looking at the implications of signing it. It might mean he he has to fully support her financially. She doesn’t sound very nice. Are you concerned she’s using him to get residency?

The bit that confuses me about this is being asked to confirm that they 'live together as a married couple.' Well they don't, do they? They live together as a cohabiting couple, not a married one.

Surely the criterion for being allowed to stay in the country is that you are married to a British citizen, not simply living with one? Otherwise we'd have to say yes to absolutely everyone that could find a flatmate to agree to say they were in a relationship. It's wide open to fraud.

Drip feeds that change the context of the OP are really annoying and waste pages of replies.

OP If you have genuine concerns about her behaviour and the reasons why she is with your son then you are perfectly right not to sign this letter.

I am an immigrant myself so my comment does not come from a place of being suspicious/disliking someone just because they are foreign.

I would try to have a chat with your son and calmly explain to him why you are concerned about this woman and that although his relationships are his choice as an adult, you have struggled with her criticism of his life choices, such as his career, and her lack of friendliness towards you.

I think from a legal point of view you are also right not to want to sign something without making sure first that the statement you are asked to make is accurate. They are not married so for a start you cannot confirm they are living together as a married couple. They are cohabiting and surely they have a joint tenancy that could be used to confirm that already?

Basically as a middle aged woman myself I have seen enough of the world to be a bit more cynical and less trusting compared to some of the many people posting who immediately jump in to say you are being unreasonable...

Then there was nothing wrong with asking questions about the things that you haven't witnessed and don't know to be true. Because you're putting your name to that letter.

If you'd put this in the OP I think you'd have had different responses.

What untruths were in the letter?

What does your son have to say about it all?

Another massive drip feed. There’s a world of difference between your first (superficial) ‘letter that says they live together as a married couple’ which sounds like a pro-forma and the actual document, which they drafted and contains things you don’t/can’t know.

I would have asked for more info before signing in that case, as well.

Were you? That’s not what the OP says.

Initially I was afraid that she was unpleasant towards my son , I have thought this for a while. Now I believe that she could be using him for a visa.

And yes to the pp that said that there is sexism here , I am reacting exactly as I would if this situation involved my daughter. Young men can be vulnerable too.

If this is a legal document you have to verify things, if you have only seen her 3 times in 4 years, stating they are living together as man and wife is a bit problematic you don't know her at all. I would be cautious too, is she just using your son to get a visa? But if your son says they are living together properly and he wants to continue doing so I would sign it for him.

Why wasn't your son there when you were discussing signing this document? That seems rather odd since you have barely met her in the past and it is their relationship you were talking about.

There is a risk here that they will fake the letter. Be aware, she is very likely using him for a visa - not necessarily in a “bad” way but if her only way to stay here is with him, he may find the relationship fizzles out once she has acquired a right to stay here independently.

While I think the probing questions were probably a bit too much I actually think it was rude if her to ask if she hadn't actually made the effort to have a relationship with you.
After 3 years I could talk to my partner's mum about anything. If she had even done the minimum of popped in to a few family gathering over the years it wouldn't have been a big deal at all. She's shot herself in the foot here.
She is probably panicking but also sounds like a diva. I would have signed it due to the relationship with my son but wouldn't have been happy.

That's a good point but we don't know her side of the story.

I'm having trouble tagging pps but to answer a question my son seems to treat her as if she were made of glass. He always talks of her being anxious , nervous and fragile. He missed his brother's birthday because she was upset over a bad essay grade a few years ago.

I see it as attempted manipulation as well. I would want a serious chat with DS before signing.

I don’t understand most of the replies here and agree with you, I wouso nit have signed that form.

Yoyve only met her 4 times, you’re worried about how she interacts with your son and she reacted angrily when you asked a question, whilst trying to sign a legal document.

Id tell your son you’re worried about him and cannot possibly sign a letter when you’ve only met her 4 times.