Uncomfortable situation involving adult child's partner

[TenTenTenAgain]

My adult son has been with his gf for 4 years. She is from another country and is here on a student visa. They live together.

I've met her 3 times in 4 years , she is always invited to family gatherings but frequently refuses for various reasons. I feel like I don't know her and only recently learned her real name , she uses an English name due to pronunciation issues. The last time I saw her she was very rude , she shamed my son and mocked him about his job. He works ft and earns an average wage for a young man of his age.

They've asked me to sign a letter stating that they live together as a married couple for her new visa , as she's no longer a student. And put pressure on me to do so within a few hours. I said that I needed more information and asked her some questions , the last one of which was about how she sees the future with my son. She didn't respond and apparently phoned my son shouting about me being rude and throwing accusations at her. She then blocked me on social media.

My son sent me an apology message , but said that the pair of them have lots to talk about because of what has happened.

I'm confused and concerned. Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do?

It kind of is your business if you're having to sign something. You need to know what you're signing and why surely?

Thank you for your responses , I appreciate the balance.

And in answer to the question regarding me expecting them to make the effort , I am a carer to a severely disabled child so my time is limited. I have to sleep and do housework while my child is at school. Sending gifts and inviting them over is me making the best effort I can.

No doubt living with a man who has a full time job whilst she was a student from another country has provided her with a better life situation than she would have had otherwise.
Why be so rude and unpleasant to his family if she had any emotional attachment to him?

Under the circumstances (whereby you hardly know her), I would have had some questions before signing a document like that too. Her behaviour is pretty poor considering she wants something from you. You don’t mention your son’s attitude though. When will you next see him?

She knows they live together as a married couple though. What they want to do in the future isn’t relevant!

Putting your signature on something absolutely does give you the right to ask questions. It sounds like she's trying to get ILR or something so I would be worried that she was using my son.

Well I can see why OP has found the gf's attitude quite offensive given the way she has continually rebuffed attempts to get to know her.

@TenTenTenAgain I wouldn't sign anything for someone who is so dismissive and rude. I would hate having a dil like this so I hope for you that she won't get her visa prolonged.

I'm regularly asked to sign similar documents and would also dive deeper before committing my name to anything. I wonder how responses here would change if it was a DD and her male partner from overseas who was rude & dismissive.

So that’s a chat to have with the son.
OP isn’t the immigration police. She isn’t being asked to lie.

It’s like being asked to sign a photo saying ‘I’ve known Fred 5 years, this is him’. You don’t ask why they need a passport, or whether they’re going on holiday.

The form asked if they are living together as if married, not whether they will marry, whether she’s just after a passport, and maybe wants kids.

DS’s girlfriend is a from another country, and her visa arrangements are independent of him. However if I were asked to sign that they live together then assuming they do, I would.

We only know OP’s side of it though, we’ve not heard hers - things like OP disparaging her for using a different name due to pronunciation issues is really unfair, for one

Presumably she is trying to change her status from student to dependant. In which case, your DSs income will be considered. Currently it stands at £29000 a year. Does your Ds earn this?
I’m not sure where the letter comes into play though. Here’s the evidence requirement for this visa.
*The relationship evidence required depends on the category of dependant.
Spouse or civil partner
You should normally provide:

• a marriage or civil partnership certificate
• evidence of cohabitation
• documents demonstrating shared financial or domestic responsibilities

Cohabitation evidence may include joint tenancy agreements, mortgage statements, council tax bills or official correspondence addressed to both parties at the same address. Where there have been periods of separation due to study or employment, these should be explained and supported by evidence.
Unmarried partner
For unmarried partners, documentary evidence covering at least two years of cohabitation is normally required. This evidence should span the full qualifying period and be spread across time rather than concentrated in one short timeframe*
A letter from the parent of the resident does not form part of this evidence - it is not proof of relationship.

I normally see my son once a month or so.

All I actually know is that they live in a flat together. I would have agreed to put that in a letter if she hadn't reacted the way she did. The one they drafted for me had much more detail and included things that either were not true or I didn't believe to be true.

I would be making no more effort and telling son exactly what I think of her behaviour and attitude. She sounds like a using chancer.

oh that is an awful attitude - like blackmail
is that a common attitude as it stinks

Besides the visa application, what I find more worrying is that she is very condescending to your DS. And in public. It’s probably worse when it’s just the two of them.
Living with him whilst studying has been very beneficial to her unless she actually made a substantial financial contribution to the living arrangements. I doubt she did.
She has zero interest in his family and hardly makes an effort towards this part of his life. Why? Why not be civil and polite? It has nothing to do with potential cultural differences. She is very rude.

Signing a document to make yourself someone's supporting evidence really does give you the right to ask them questions about their relationship and housing plans when that's what you're specifically supporting. OP doesn't know their relationship or housing situation first hand because she never sees them or talks to them. How would she actually know they live together as a married couple, they might have separate bedroom or even a sperate flat. If she doesn't know by first hand experience then she has to ask. Or refuse to sign.

I wasn't being negative about her using an English name. I was being factual regarding how little I know about her. I'm aware that using an English name is common practice for some.

If I was asked to sign something like that, I’d be asking questions and not blindly signing it, just because he was my son.

Son or not, I wouldn’t be signing anything now, his reaction to that is on him.

included things that either were not true or I didn't believe to be true.

This is important. So they were asking you to be complicit in lies? What were the untrue things they wanted you to sign for?

If you have been asked to sign an official document stating they live together as a married couple then you are legally obliged to confirm that. Anything else could potentially be a criminal offence and land you in trouble. As a carer to a disabled child you have to consider that possibility. When you speak into your son just say that. He should be man enough to understand.

The GF should apologise, she’s asking for a very big favour.

I totally understand why you asked. You’re concerned about your son and I would be too. Better to talk to him than her about their future plans, and carefully so’s not to alienate him. But I share your sense that all isn’t right here,, and think people might be more understanding if you’d said you were concerned about a DD who was with a male partner behaving this way. The ‘none of your business’ and ‘don’t interrogate them’ comments would be more ‘she could be in an abusive relationship do what you can to help her’. I hope your son communicates with you and it gets better.

Well yes of course we only know OP's side- isn't that always the case on MN.
But I didnt think OP was being disparaging about the gf when she gave the information about the name. I thought she was using that as an example of how much this woman was still a stranger to her even after 4 years of her living with her son.

(And definitely right not to sign the letter given your concerns.)

In that case, I think if you are asked to sign a letter that has things in it that you are not sure if they are true, you have every right to make some further enquiries before putting your name to it.
However I think it's possible that the questions may have come across as intrusive or having a hidden agenda. I guess that's all down to tone and how the conversation was conducted.
It sounds like DS has some conversations of his own to have. But ultimately you are reasonable not to have signed a letter which contained things you didn't know to be true