Uncomfortable situation involving adult child's partner

[TenTenTenAgain]

My adult son has been with his gf for 4 years. She is from another country and is here on a student visa. They live together.

I've met her 3 times in 4 years , she is always invited to family gatherings but frequently refuses for various reasons. I feel like I don't know her and only recently learned her real name , she uses an English name due to pronunciation issues. The last time I saw her she was very rude , she shamed my son and mocked him about his job. He works ft and earns an average wage for a young man of his age.

They've asked me to sign a letter stating that they live together as a married couple for her new visa , as she's no longer a student. And put pressure on me to do so within a few hours. I said that I needed more information and asked her some questions , the last one of which was about how she sees the future with my son. She didn't respond and apparently phoned my son shouting about me being rude and throwing accusations at her. She then blocked me on social media.

My son sent me an apology message , but said that the pair of them have lots to talk about because of what has happened.

I'm confused and concerned. Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do?

My friend was/ is in a very similar position.
Her son met his gf at uni.
As soon as they left uni she put barriers up, they married had a child - she never worked after uni.
My friend was blocked on all SM by both of them and very very rarely sees her GC (he’s 5 or 6 now). If she does it’s when she travels 200miles to their town (she has another relative that lives there) and her son meets her on his own in a neutral space - sometimes he may take GC, most often not.

your claim is that these letters are disregarded.

My bad i assumed that the visa authority had asked the OPs son to provide this kind of thing.

In the past i have indeed signed a letter for a visa application, and the request (from the person applying for the visa) was that they had been asked to provide as much "proof" as possible of the longstanding relationship - which I and several other friends provided in the form of digital photographs with exif data etc showing exactly that.

I agree with this. In OP's situation, I would want to know what angle she was coming from. Your signature carries weight. No-one should just sign documents without asking questions.

Well that’s just too bad then isn’t it?

If in a relationship for four years there will be an expectation that she has a relationship with his family as well. That’s not unreasonable in terms of whether she is given leave to remain in the country.

Given she doesn’t have a relationship with his family then this isn’t a relationship in the eyes of immigration because there’s no integration into the country she’s wanting to live in, only a request for a stranger to sign a form to say she’s living with her son.

The OP would be taking an extremely serious risk if she agreed to sign anything.

immigration fraud is real regardless of whether people feel the OP is being vindictive/trying to split her son and her up etc.

This is avery good option. Write the letter with what you do know

Most peculiar behaviour of that woman to be so rude to her partner's parents and family. Maybe she thinks she can hoodwink your son but will be found out if his loved ones get to know her.

Sounds super sus.

Don't sign anything. If she cares about her dp and in extension his family she'll have to make some basic effort. She is essentially a stranger to you and you son is an idiot for putting you in the position.

I disagree tbh.

The OP is being asked to write and sign her name to a letter which will be used in a legal process. If someone asked that of me, I'd want to be sure that I understood the situation.

My son sent me an apology message , but said that the pair of them have lots to talk about because of what has happened.

And this is exactly why she was right to ask.

Because this isn't just a box ticking exercise.

They don’t ask for them. What they ask for is evidence that you are living as a married couple - joint tenancies, joint bills, joint finances over at least a two year period. It sounds as though DS and his partner are having trouble providing this and that’s why they’ve asked OP to help confirm things.

I think she is a walking red flag and would also want my DS out of such a relationship.

I would talk to DS to explain that she knows what is on the visa forms and whilst he might want her to stay, you think she really doesn’t .

If you want to keep your visa and you know that to do so means going to your bf’s family gatherings, getting to know his parents and not being a nasty bitch to the person you are reliant on for writing the letter to get your visa. Then you have to break it to him that she is, in a twisted way trying to split with him and making you the bad guy who is going to cause them to part

I would ask your DS why she screamed at you and blocked you when you asked a perfectly normal question about her relationship with him and her plans.
Her reply didn’t actually mention him in her plans for the future.

Given that it has been 4 years and you don’t know anything about her beyond her name and that she is anxious. Although this seems to manifest itself in her being a rude and nasty bitch.

I work with people who are here on a student visa. I think they are asking you for this letter to confirm they are in a committed relationship because the only other way she could get her visa renewed is if she was in work.

I don’t think she has a job.

so this letter is very important because they are probably unable to show bills etc?

OP is absolutely right not to sign anything for them at all.

Don’t sign the letter. You asked a perfectly reasonable question.

Agreed. She should have put in more effort to develop good relations with the friends and family of the OP's son. She sounds quite entitled.

Can she not request this letter from someone that she has a good relationship with?

She knows they have a shared tenancy on a flat. That's not the same as living together 'as a married couple'.

Yea do not sign the letter, sounds like she is using him. Be extra nice to your son so he does not take it the wrong way. Sorry you are going through this...

She doesn't know what the future holds for her and your son. She's presumably quite young and hasn't got her life mapped out. It sounds like you were interviewing her for a job. I would either of signed the letter or not
It's not really any of your business what their future plans are.
You have now decided not to sign which is up to you but of course it's going to affect your relationship with your son. She either won't be able to stay which he'll blame you for or they find another way for her to stay and still be angry you wouldn't help.

Agreed. Very suspicious that the GF has been with the son for 4 years but hasn't made every effort to meet and get to know his family and friends.

Since the OP barely knows the GF, it would be inappropriate to provide this letter. Bit like asking someone you barely know for a reference.

Not really, because if they cannot provide any official documents to show the claimed relationship ( as mentioned, by others, a history of joint finances etc) then the letter (or social media posts, photographs etc!) will not be sufficient evidence to grant the girlfriend status.

Do you think an interest in your child’s “private life” is “incestuous” 🤣🤣🤣

I don't think you should sign anything untrue or that you are not comfortable with, but I think you handled it the wrong way.

If there were things in their pre drafted letter that aren't true, you could have communicated with your son that you felt they were over-egging what they were expecting you to sign but discussed wording you were happy with.
"I known X since X as my son's long term partner..."

I don't doubt that she is a bit rude and difficult, but the exchange over the letter wasn't handled well.
She already probably (accurately) already felt dislike from you, and then you basically implied after four years that she might just be a user and a gold-digger.

as i said: in the past i have provided the kind of info/documentation OPs Son's GF is looking for. As did several of our mutual friends. And the visa was issued.

But signing such a letter, knowing it untrue, even if it is "ignored" by visa authorities would always be wrong.

That’s how I read it, too.

😂It is the son who requested his mother confirms his status living as a married couple. How will she be able to legally sign such a document if she has no clue who this woman is.

She could write a letter

I have been told that x is my son's partner but I do not know her well enough to confirm they live as a married couple. Invitations to meet and include her in family gatherings have routinely been declined and I only know about the relationship based on what my son tells me not first hand.

Signing the form to say that doesn’t require you to ask about their business.

I would never sign an even quasi legal document, as this letter is being evidence in a legal process, without knowing all the circumstances. If the woman is not willing to be courteous to the OP then she should refuse to get involved.

It's funny how when a mother extends care to their son they get ridiculous comments isn't it? Incest! Really? I love and care about him and being male doesn't protect him from manipulation and abuse.