Uncomfortable situation involving adult child's partner

[TenTenTenAgain]

My adult son has been with his gf for 4 years. She is from another country and is here on a student visa. They live together.

I've met her 3 times in 4 years , she is always invited to family gatherings but frequently refuses for various reasons. I feel like I don't know her and only recently learned her real name , she uses an English name due to pronunciation issues. The last time I saw her she was very rude , she shamed my son and mocked him about his job. He works ft and earns an average wage for a young man of his age.

They've asked me to sign a letter stating that they live together as a married couple for her new visa , as she's no longer a student. And put pressure on me to do so within a few hours. I said that I needed more information and asked her some questions , the last one of which was about how she sees the future with my son. She didn't respond and apparently phoned my son shouting about me being rude and throwing accusations at her. She then blocked me on social media.

My son sent me an apology message , but said that the pair of them have lots to talk about because of what has happened.

I'm confused and concerned. Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do?

I only saw my mother in law when I visited with my husband. No one to one chats, no going out for coffee. We had nothing in common. I don't think I was rude to her, I certainly didn't intend to be, but I suppose she might have interpreted it that way.

I would write and sign a factual letter so that you are supporting your son without lying. A PP suggested the detail. That way, you aren't burning bridges with son but aren't putting your name to something you are uncomfortable with. You can explain what the four instances are when you met each other, for instance, or any plans your son has shared when you meet up regularly.

I don't either. I don't even know what her job is or what her parents do. She avoids giving out information even if just in casual conversation.

Just seen this update. You absolutely cannot sign that letter, he was very wrong to ask you.

So she expected you to lie for her and then got shirty when you asked how she saw her future with your son? Yeah, I wouldn’t be signing that form either!
If this was my son in this situation, I’d be wary that she’s using him for a visa too.

They’re not living together as married so don’t sign it.

Shouting and being rude about you doesn't sound like the behaviour of an anxious, nervous and fragile person.

She sounds very manipulative actually.

it was a perfectly reasonable question to ask someone who has asked your help getting a visa.

And i wouldn't be signing it either.

I don't think you've done anything wrong here. If she wants you to do something life changing for her then she needs to put some effort into getting to know you. I'd be worried for my son here tbh!

Marriage is for life that's not what the phrase living as a married couple means otherwise the question would just be 'Are they married?'. Cohabiting is living as a married couple.

Four years is a long time.

If they live together as if married, and want you to verify that, Op, even though your personal observations differ, DS should have put a ring on it.

Why did they not just get engaged?
Formalising their relationship is not hard.

I agree that the girlfriend could be wanting to stay in the country but not necessarily wanting to stay with DS.
If she does not, then she should be deported, or find another visa on which to legally stay.
.

Are you worried about your son being in an abusive relationship?

The next time you see him, I’d broach the subject. mention the things you’ve talked about here, see what his reaction is. Keep communication open between you.

i agree, his gf doesn’t sound great.

Her reaction to you makes me worry about how much she is controlling your son? I don't think you should sign a letter that contains things you believe to be untrue or don't know because you have hardly ever met her. Maybe you made a slight mistake probing her but her flying off the handle with you is a massive red flag.

I'd do almost anthing for my sons but signing a letter with lies, no.

@thetinsoldier Yes. I am. His father is abusive , this has very much shaped my son's personality in negative ways.

she's being a bit daft here then, isn't she?

I would 100% be telling my son that i wouldn't be signing anything, it is clear why, since you did ask questions.

Perhaps you might like to go through the letter with him and point out the discrepancies?

ETA: tell him to make sure he is using 2 forms of contraception.

Totally understand why you won't sign it. But to try and make you feel a bit better it wouldn't make a bit of difference anyway. Letters or statements from family or friends are ignored because - as you've found out - they are fabricated!

I wouldn’t sign this letter either without all these details plus I would have a lot of other questions.
It was very wrong attitude of her. If she wanted to stay she had to prove it’s genuine.

If your relationship is the basis for being granted another visa or LTR then that relationship should be marriage. We can't just give every foreign student the right to stay in the UK because they got themselves a boyfriend or girlfriend and moved in with them.

that puts you in an awkward position

she is invited i guess you could word it that way

then why do they ask for them? and what is your "authority" to claim this so boldly?

ÒP, I think you acted perfectly reasonably in refusing to sign a letter that was not factually true. You are doing them the favour - if the GF refuses to answer a few very straightforward questions, why should she expect you to support her visa application? I fear your suspicions that she is using your DS to get a visa may be well-founded.

I did actually type a letter that stated they've shared an address from x date to x date. I didn't print it in the end.

Who said they had been asked for them?. A decision to grant status to an applicant is not given on the basis that they have or don't have a written letter from a friend/family. Weight is given to official documents that demonstrate they are living as a couple, ak8n to marriage, sharing joint finances etc.