Uncomfortable situation involving adult child's partner

[TenTenTenAgain]

My adult son has been with his gf for 4 years. She is from another country and is here on a student visa. They live together.

I've met her 3 times in 4 years , she is always invited to family gatherings but frequently refuses for various reasons. I feel like I don't know her and only recently learned her real name , she uses an English name due to pronunciation issues. The last time I saw her she was very rude , she shamed my son and mocked him about his job. He works ft and earns an average wage for a young man of his age.

They've asked me to sign a letter stating that they live together as a married couple for her new visa , as she's no longer a student. And put pressure on me to do so within a few hours. I said that I needed more information and asked her some questions , the last one of which was about how she sees the future with my son. She didn't respond and apparently phoned my son shouting about me being rude and throwing accusations at her. She then blocked me on social media.

My son sent me an apology message , but said that the pair of them have lots to talk about because of what has happened.

I'm confused and concerned. Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do?

Oh OP you are only seeing this through your eyes.

Culturally you may seem rude or cold or perhaps indirect etc. yes I get she is foreign but as a foreigner living in the UK I often see this where Brits think they are doing all the right things and it doesn’t culturally translate.

You aren’t signing your life away. You are saying factually they live together and the are. So what’s the problem? Instead of supporting your son you have decided she is the problem and now won’t sign it.

Not having a visa and being in love with a man in thr country you are trying to stay in is STRESSFUL. You don’t know because you haven’t been there. Would you prefer they get married to sort out the visa? Cause that is where this will push the to.

YABU

Rude - culturally different . Same thing right?

Wrong. Your assumptions are based on feeling. They just need as much evidence as possible they dont really need you though. £29k a year with savings of abiut 16k which she can provide.

Ah yes the marrying for a visa - I had that coming from the most educated country in the western world from a wealthy family. Such British arrogance.

@Besafeeatcake are you addressing me with regards to marrying for a visa? Because I didn't say that she's doing that , she's not applying for that kind of visa.

I am happy to corrected but I was led to believe that if you don't earn the required amount you can't be a sponsor. Savings are separate from that amount in my understanding.

‘Ah yes the marrying for a visa - I had that coming from the most educated country in the western world from a wealthy family. Such British arrogance.’

Can you further explain this bit please?
Which is the wealthy family?
Which country is the most educated…?
I would personally prefer it if you kept your personal feelings out of it and didn’t insult British people. Are you a British citizen? FYI We are not an arrogant nation. People often praise the Brits for their modesty and their self- disparagement, such as their addiction to saying ‘sorry’ in all sorts of circumstances,

That quality was certainly very much appreciated by my family when they came here quite a long time ago as refugees from a very unpleasant part of the world.

I was born in the UK but continue to feel gratitude to be a citizen in this most pleasant and liberal country.

I believe there are countries today where publicising your view that inhabitants of the country are ‘arrogant’ could get you into serious trouble.

That quality was certainly very much appreciated by my family when they came here quite a long time ago as refugees from a very unpleasant part of the world.

And my family fleeing from an unsafe regime.

"I believe there are countries today where publicising your view that inhabitants of the country are ‘arrogant’ could get you into serious trouble." Aren't we glad then that there is freedom of speech here, including speech that we disagree with?

We're all different. As a British citizen myself I can't say I'm offended by "British arrogance", especially not in the context that poster described which is quite similar to OP's previous statements that she thinks the young woman is "using" her son for a visa (a common trope in certain less tolerant circles).

I really sincerely hope that this young woman does not come from any unsafe regime herself and can be allowed to be a bit surly or avoid socialising with her mother in law without risking being put in danger. She's already been accused of visa fishing.

@StartingFreshFor2026, you're still stuck in the literary world.

The idea of using someone to get a visa is not a 'trope'; nor is it an expression of OP's 'arrogance' (!); it's something that happens in the world. I personally know someone to whom it happened with devastating emotional consequences.

Parents feel responsibility for their adult children, especially when they're vulnerable and have been victims of DA. In the same way they feel responsibility to their cousins, siblings etcetera, if they're decent people. It's called love.

OP is not accusing the girl of anything. As I understand it, she's thinking through the possibilities in the situation that she's seen very little of her and what she has seen doesn't look particularly encouraging. Therefore, it makes sense to seek other opinions.

I think the underlying difficulty is that one has to have experience of a situation to have much insight into what it feels like . Without wishing to sound patronising, which is certainly not my intention, it is crystal clear that you are not the parent of an adult child who has areas of vulnerability.

Nevertheless, I think you could try to be a little more charitable to those who have worries about their family members.

Using people for visas (sham marriages etc) is uncommon but amplified in the media to make it seem more common, very similar to benefit fraud.

I have two very severely disabled children who will be exceptionally vulnerable as adults and it's something I worry about every day. I suppose I don't have to worry about them being part of a visa scam because the liklihood that they will be able to work or get married is pretty negligible.

Maybe I am charitable- just to the other party?

That’s obviously an extremely challenging situation for you and I can see you post regularly about it.

However, this post is about what OP should do for the best.
Whether or not the media amplify news about marriages designed to obtain residency isn’t really relevant.
What’s relevant is what OP thinks may be happening here.
Equally, no reason not to feel sympathy for people from other countries who want a visa to live in the UK.
But that isn’t what this post is about.

It keeps coming back to the same issue:

MN is intended to provide support and advice. If the post triggers you and you can’t feel sympathy for OP, you really should go elsewhere.
Otherwise, the whole thread is derailed with irresponsible and unkind jibes and fantastical theories

Well since I have British citizenship I can say that I have lived it for decades and that is my experience. You may not like it but it’s my experience. Most educated country in the world Canada (fact). I have lived here for decades and yes there is a British arrogance. Since we have free speech no trouble will happen. Wealthy family - mine.

Yeah they are seperate but the sponsor just has to earn 29k. Savings can be from her.

@Besafeeatcake Then my understanding is correct. Thank you for the clarification.

Anyone who thinks that people don’t marry for visas or that it isn’t common is naive.

Pretty much every woman who meets a cute waiter in certain countries is has made herself visa bate. And these older women who get chatted up by young handsome tour guides and the like? Let’s not pretend the guy has fallen madly in love with a woman 20 years his senior.

It sounds like the OP has done the right thing. She has been asked to embellish the truth (to sign something stating the GF regularly attends family gatherings and is seen as part of the family). She has quite correctly chosen not to do this as it is not truthful.

Now the son has stopped asking for it, probably because he realises the request was not reasonable. So the relationship with the son has not been harmed. Good result.

@5MinuteArgument yes , apart from him wanting to not talk about this visa thing , things are normal between us.

@StartingFreshFor2026 I can empathise wrt to your 2 children. My youngest will never live independently and I'm beyond terrified at what life will be like for him when my husband and I are no longer around to protect him.

Right now though I find myself most worried about my eldest son and I've felt this way for many years. He was around exh for so long and absorbed the abuse to the point where he's probably normalised it and seems to lack the confidence other young men of his age have. He still isn't ready to address what he saw and experienced and I won't push him to. When he moved out into a flat share I was so proud of him , he saved up and planned the move after finding a stable ft job. The education system wasn't a great fit for him and that knocked his confidence also. He then met this girl. She moved in with him despite having a place in uni halls set up he said she didn't like it there or something. I've explained the rest in previous posts.

I feel that you very much are trying push your narrative onto me and this situation , whether this is intentional I do not know , but as I said earlier you're not going to agree with me and that's okay. I've no desire to argue though and I accept your difference of opinion and thank you for offering your perspective.

In which culture is it acceptable and normal to ignore all overtures of friendliness from your partner's parents and then throw a tantrum when said parent won't jump to your commands?

GF has made no effort to even get to know her BFs mother, even though her future in this country may depend on it. She sounds as entitled AF, but I'm sure that's okay in some 'cultures'.

@TonTonMacoute I have found that most people born in her country are very insular.

I would absolutely understand her apprehension if I was (were?) a loud and overwhelming person. I'm actually rather reserved and quiet , and we're not the kind of family that kisses and hugs anyone that enters our home. I'm also teetotal and probably more than a little boring! I have tried to slowly get to know her , as I said before , I've sent a card and a small gift on her birthdays and included her at Christmas. I've extended invitations to her , tried to make her feel welcome. It's just not been well received.

Cultures where women don’t have the same rights as men and they come from a wealthy household and have been sheltered from the reality of other people’s experiences and realities their whole life.

Their only experience of having autonomy over their lives is to treat everyone “lesser” than them as servants to be ordered about.

It’s when the servant turns round and says No
The reaction is a toddler tantrum because no one has ever said No to them before.

Does that fit

@FairKoala Reading between the lines , yes I believe it could fit. I know that she carries a bag that costs 2k+ and collects very expensive specific items , ones that cost the same as the average person's monthly rent. She has many of these things and has photos of them on her social media account. I am also aware that she is from a city that only the wealthy can afford to live in. And as I said earlier only the rich can afford to send their children from this country to the UK for their education. The poor , predictably , are stuck there in very low paid jobs. So yes , I wouldn't be surprised if she is sheltered and used to having people say yes to her.

I'd like to add as well that when she and my son moved into a flat we gave them both a housewarming gift of a voucher to buy some things from a popular store. Certainly not fancy , but practical and supportive. I handed this to the pair of them the last time they visited. She didn't say thank you when she glanced over it , I remember my son saying that it'd be great to get some kitchen things and new bedding and she just nodded and told him to order those things. That £100 didn't seem like a big deal to her , but it's a lot of money to us and we had to save in order to make that gift.

I wonder how her parents fit into the picture?
Are they okay with their DD living with your son?
How would marriage look to them?

@SixtySomething I've asked myself those questions. She and my son come from completely different worlds financially. I have asked myself why someone like her wants to be with someone like him and what her family genuinely think. I'd like to say that love is the answer but I've seen her behave like she doesn't like and respect him so I'm struggling with that concept. This is one of the reasons her mocking his job is so awful , even if she was being playful it came across like a huge insult from someone so privileged.

Of course I don't know what culture the girl comes from, but it seems to me that marriage between them would not be acceptable to her family, which underlines the suggestion that she may just be playing with him, perhaps before settling down to a 'suitable' choice.