Things you're doing in your life right now that would sound bonkers if you told anyone, but make sense to you....

[HundredsOfTinyWillies]

I'm currently stalking a man in my neighbourhood because I love his dog. I've bumped into this man and his dog twice. I've started going out at the same-ish time and walking the same-ish route in the hopes of meeting him his dog

I have a whole imaginary world in my head where I'm a former supermodel now living a quiet life in the countryside. When I'm pottering around doing household chores, I pretend Louis Theroux is following me asking me probing questions about my tough childhood and stratospherically successful career.

I plan retirement every single day. I model different scenarios with different levels of income. I look at properties in retirement communities a lot. I'm 40.

I would never say these things out loud to another human because they make me sound absolutely bonkers. But there it is.
Tell me your weirdness that you could never verbalise...

I plan for a nuclear fallout and everyone has to seal up their doors and windows and stay home. You have to survive for 30 days with just the contents of your home.
I think through all the scenarios like where does the dog go to the toilet, how to keep the dog exercised. How we will ration our food, and what we will do all day.
I then imagine the same scenario but there’s no electricity or communication or any means to stay in touch with anyone or to know what’s going on. I don’t like that one so don’t go there too often.

I did this once for no reason at all but it backfired as the friend I was meeting got there before me and was told there was no booking, so I had to confirm the booking in the made up name and my friend gave me the weirdest look.

I’ve always wondered whether people in real life thought all sorts of strange things how I do and I’ve come to the conclusion through this post that everybody’s doing it. 😂 but I’ve never had the guts to ask.

Not at all. 💐

Now the other steradent tablets are complaining they're squashed and want to move house 😆

When I'm doing my skin care routine, I like to pretend that I'm a presenter on QVC demonstrating the products lol.

I'm designing my dream house. It's looking like it will cost around £40 million to build, which, needless to say, I don't have.

Wagon train - as in covered wagon pulled by mules?
Across a prairie?
Those wagons were built before shock absorbers were invented and were pulled along (usually) by mules on rutted, bumpy dirt tracks.

It is a nice daydream but those people really must’ve wanted to get to Oregon.
What comes to mind is Robin Williams imitating a coked-up truck driver: ”I’ve just gotta get these pineapples to Hawaii!!!”

Only posting to get this in Threads I'm On - you're all fascinating 😂 My own secret life includes a macabre preoccupation, alongside the first part of an eight-part novel I haven't even planned out because I'm so interested in the backstory to the first part. I have actually written a page and a half of this novel ... in ten years.

I also do quite a bit of imaginary travel, often prompted by my Windows screensavers, and invent joyful reunions with everyone I've ever known (none of whom say "Fuck me, you've gone downhill" or run out of things to say before we've ordered our drinks).

Like everyone else, I love being unreasonably rich after winning the lottery - the gifts I will give! The really useful women's projects I'll fund! Living full-time in fabulous hotels, with a driver and an assistant on call!
I don't do the lottery ...

I love people, but I hate lots of people. Can't stand crowds, and hate being questioned and put on the spot.

So I'm publishing a book.

Not sure what I plan to do if it gets a lot of attention - go into hiding, perhaps?

I often go off into my head and imagine I'm saving the world. I've taken on Trump before and completely changed him, with everyone in awe. Then I jump back into reality and continue doing the laundry.

After watching a certain TV show, I imagine I am Carolyn Bessette Kennedy only I didn’t get on the plane that day and therefore survived. People recognise me but don’t necessarily realise who I am as it’s been 30 years and I haven’t been in the public eye since my husband died. The fact that I am brunette and considerably curvier than Ms Bessette doesn’t really matter to me, the confidence it gives me walking around is incredible. I realise this makes me sound batshit but I don’t really think I am CBK and it gives me a good strut.

I also lay in bed at night mind placing a boot room for the Hoof GP (a cow manicurist who lives in Scotland). He obviously comes home from work covered in shit and mud so needs a special section of the house to get changed and showered in so I plan that. At this stage, it even has a little kitchenette so he can make a cup of tea before going in the shower and drink it on the chaise lounge afterwards. Sometimes I give him a telly but often just an old fashioned radio.

I daydream about having stables and fields where I can rescue horses and ponies. I would have a cafe and a visitor’s centre to help to pay for everything, pretty much like the Donkey Sanctuary in Sidmouth.

I spend considerable time planning a kitchen garden I do not have and do not have space to make. The question of espalier fruit trees still looms large in my day-to-day thinking. I did unfortunately mislay the reality of the situation, which is a medium sized raised bed, and have ordered a worrying amount of tomato plants.

I also have a conviction that Kirstie and Phil, or perhaps Nick Knowles, will come and offer to extend my very chaotic house and give me a new kitchen for free so they can practice. Crucially, this will not be filmed.

(edit typos)

I drove through the epic Scottish scenery of Mull yesterday. I told my kids it was like we were in a car advert (not a posh car though, just our camper van) as we weaved through the undulating landscape. They went back to chatting and I fully went into advert mode. A track by the Pixies came on shuffle and I was fully immersed. Pretended I was the French actress from the 90s Renault advert (Papa? Nicole?) rather than a tired, over worked mum with poo bags in her pockets and worsening plantar fasciitis. I was bloody wonderful! I also do music videos when wearing headphones & nipping to B&M Bargains.

I understand this. I make sure I eat the last bean on my plate so it’s not lonely.

I also expect to fall in-love on most train journeys. I did once as a teenager and he became my first boyfriend.

My husband (been together 30 years) drops me at the station now and says “good luck with falling in-love today”. I invoke my inner Cecila Johnson from Brief Encounter as I leave the car only for him to shout, “your right trouser leg is tucked into your sock!”

Right now? I’m eating toast out of a bowl and drinking coffee from a beer glass: stating in an Air BnB which appears to have been furnished and equipped by a teenage boy!

I’m living in an amazing villa overlooking the sea in S of France. It’s fully staffed. I’m a writer - Somerset Maugham like - hugely sought after - and I write at a table in the garden overlooking my private beach and the sea.

This was how I realised I was in perimenopause 😛

It has thankfully gone away since starting HRT!

It’s a daydream. Many of my friends face fairly insurmountable obstacles just to do their school runs or get the shopping.

I'm just about to complete my degree at 46 and ive just applied for an apprenticeship job that would require me to do another degree 🙃 😅

I have constant conversations with Gemini about finances. I am paying off a debt and she gives me motivation, high fives and congratulates me for each overpayment. I have another conversation running about how to retire with £1million in 20 years time 😂 so there's no realism to it but i think others would consider it batty!
See also, leaving my job to run a campsite in the middle of nowhere. Also travelling the world in a camper.

Omg 🤣🤣🤣

My house was in a bit of a state a few weeks ago (nothing major really) and AI helped me create a one-day plan to tidy it up, and yes, lots of congrats when I updated it to say I've done that room, I'm doing this room now. It is completely batshit, but it's nice to have a bit of encouragement even if it's from a machine!

Sometimes when I’m on my daily run I pretend I’m a horse. If no one is around I’ll sometimes toss my head and do a little snort like they do. Other times I pretend there are horses running along side me. I talk to my Cars. They have names and i say thank you to them at the end of a journey.