DH angry with me following work trip

[FlamingoFloss]

Been with my husband 19 years. We ‘were’ in a good place. He’s been away working this week. He got home this evening and I was round my neighbours (who he gets on with and we have a great community). I came out as soon as I saw him pulling up with our friend and came in to be with him. Chatted to our friend and offered him dinner which he declined as he said he needed to go. I said to my DH I’ve left my phone at neighbours so I’ll go grab it. No problem. Neighbour reminds me that I’m asking DH to go and see the band we saw last Saturday tonight (we all went and had a fab night) so call DH and ask him. He says he doesn’t want to go so I say fair enough, can you drop us around the corner as I’d quite like to go. We have tomorrow together (he’s working tomorrow evening) and we have Sunday and next week together. The connection drops so I try to call him back. He doesn’t answer. I’ve come home and he’s laid into me that he just wants to spend the time with me but I’d rather eff off with my neighbour (joint friend), threw his glass so it smashed in the kitchen, shouted at me some more that he’s been away working all week and I should just want to be with him and stormed upstairs telling me to eff off out.

Fair enough. Just wondered.

It sounds like he’s not in touch with his feelings and he lashed out. As a grown man, he can change this if he chooses to, and nothing absolves or excuses his behaviour.

I think it would have been better to have talked about going out just to him rather than in front of your neighbour. I wouldn’t like this myself. And I also would have been put out at being asked for a lift when I’d only just got back. However, as I say, there is no excuse for his reaction. Good on you for deciding this is enough.

What a load of nonsense

It’s not “special treatment” it’s consideration that working away from home is different from coming home everyday.
Most people like to say hello to the family, stick clothes in the wash and decompress for a bit when they get in. Not be a taxi service.

The Op said he has nerve damage so can’t have sex and definitely wouldn’t be having an affair. I don’t think the Op finds him attractive, otherwise there’d be the possibility someone else would.

His text messages weren’t particularly abusive ( couldn’t see them properly but didn’t see swearing etc). I think the marriage is over. It’s not healthy for either I of them.

It’s not “special treatment” it’s consideration that working away from home is different from coming home everyday.
Most people like to say hello to the family, stick clothes in the wash and decompress for a bit when they get in. Not be a taxi service.

The Op said he has nerve damage so can’t have sex and definitely wouldn’t be having an affair. I don’t think the Op finds him attractive, otherwise there’d be the possibility someone else would.

His text messages weren’t particularly abusive ( couldn’t see them properly but didn’t see swearing etc). I think the marriage is over. It’s not healthy for either I of them.

It’s not “special treatment” it’s consideration that working away from home is different from coming home everyday.
Most people like to say hello to the family, stick clothes in the wash and decompress for a bit when they get in. Not be a taxi service.

Comparing giving your partner a lift somewhere to being a taxi service is a tad dramatic. If he didn't feel up to it he could have just said no and explained why.

I travel for work, in fact I'm away right now working in Asia and will be away for another week. If my partner needed a lift when I got back I'd happily do that providing I wasn't too jet lagged. I wouldn't become aggressive or violent because he asked or if he wanted to go out with a friend.

He's worked away for the last three work weeks are you suggesting that she shouldn't do anything by herself or with her friends during those weekends?

Nothing like has been suggested by the Op, Ops DH or posters on here !
They clearly go out together and separately without issue as the Op has said in her posts.
Given the DH is also working on the Sat night perhaps that would have been a better night to go out with friends. Spend time catching up with her DH on the night he is home.

Yeah, maybe the band she wanted to see would move their gig to the following night to satisfy her husbands work schedule?

@HighLadyofTheNightCourt and if you were jet lagged? And partner was round at his mates on your return and had planned a night out with no thought that you might be knackered, you honestly wouldn’t feel a bit put out on your return?

The reason I’m arguing it is that my DH works away home and abroad frequently. Varying days like the Ops DH. Divorce is rife in his industry for that reason. Inevitably one partner or the other doesn’t get their needs met.

So sorry OP. Please stay safe and get legal advice as soon as you can. You don’t have to act on it immediately but it will help you regain some confidence and control.

@HighLadyofTheNightCourt
They already saw the band together the week before though. Prioritising your wants over your partners when theres an obvious compromise is not great.

If I had jet lag then I wouldn't given him a lift anywhere as I wouldn't feel safe to drive.
DH is actually going out to see a play the night I return with some friends of ours. I'm invited but I've declined as I will probably be tired. I'm not in the least bit bothered DH is going as we'll see each other before he goes and the day after. It's only a few hours!

Both me and DH travel for work so maybe that's why we understand each other and don't get precious about how we're treated when we get home. We also have a child so appreciate that the person at home has a much tougher time as they are juggling work and childcare solo. The returning person gets stuck straight into home life and gives the other a break rather than the other way around!

What? So you’re ignoring the shouting, the bullying behaviour, the throwing a glass, because he was TIRED?? Jesus wept.

But it is

Are you safe at home with him?

You say he has been violent/abusive before. What do you want to happen?

I’m sorry but the posts blaming the OP are bloody shameful. Give your heads a wobble!

No, not just because he was tired, there was a lot more in that first post than that.

It's obvious what's been going on here now we've had the drip feed of the rest, including the sexual dysfunction and the fact that the glass was full of a pint of juice. This marriage has been dead a long time.

I hope the OP finds a better life for herself without him.

He’s still angry this morning. He’s supposed to be taking me for a procedure today

It sounds like you've had a tough night OP. I hope you both wake up and realise last night wasn't great and you can both have a decent discussion of where your marriage is going. Personally I think you need to leave due to his aggression and manipulation anyway . Post a different thread if you need advice on how to to leave as this one is a mess

I think it would be wise not to rely on him for anything anymore. Get a taxi instead. Start making plans to leave, if you are doing, which everyone is advising as it is a horrible idea to ignore his violent and abusive behaviour. It won't get better. You shouldn't have to live in a home where glasses are smashed in your vicinity because you were talking to the neighbour, regardless of any other factors.

aggression and violent behaviour is never ok. I wouldn’t put up with this- a one off, where he apologised profusely (and meant it, shown by it not happening again and/or steps to try and work out why it did), I might be able to work through.

That said, I can understand why he might have been upset if he had been working away and just got back to have his wife decide to go out without him. And ask for a lift when he declined. It’s a bit thoughtless, regardless of whether he previously joined the band or that you invited him. His reaction is totally unacceptable. I think you should end this relationship, unless he recognises his error and seeks anger management. If the latter, no more chances.

I'm so surprised by some of these responses. OP's life doesn't have to be put on hold because her DH got back from a work trip.

She wanted to go out, and his response is to smash a glass in anger, tell her the marriage is over, that she's not to return to the house she also owns, and to message the friend.

Yes, it's abuse. He's already said it's done, so at least you can agree on that one if you want to, OP. Time to get legal advice on dividing assets.

Thank you. He’s stropping around slamming doors and glaring at me

How old are you both? He’s going to be pretty to extremely insecure if he isn’t able to give you normal sex, and the fact you could seek it elsewhere while he’s away is something he will naturally be thinking about, despite it being something you’d never consider. Or have you?

Whatever the circumstances, his over reaction is unacceptable and something he needs to get help to manage.

The fact you’ve said you’ve seen and spent time with him every weekend makes it seem all the more odd, particularly as he’s carried it on to this morning. There seems to be something more going on. Is this working away recent or something he’s done for years? Do you think he suspects you of having an affair? Is he worried about work?

He needs to be honest with you.

Whether he is upset, pissed off, hurt, or whatever is largely irrelevant.

His actions is the issue.
Throwing a glass and smashing it against a wall , shouting and the ignoring is very much abuse.
As this isn't the first time ,it cant be put down as being a mistake.