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DH angry with me following work trip

322 replies

FlamingoFloss · 27/03/2026 19:35

Been with my husband 19 years. We ‘were’ in a good place. He’s been away working this week. He got home this evening and I was round my neighbours (who he gets on with and we have a great community). I came out as soon as I saw him pulling up with our friend and came in to be with him. Chatted to our friend and offered him dinner which he declined as he said he needed to go. I said to my DH I’ve left my phone at neighbours so I’ll go grab it. No problem. Neighbour reminds me that I’m asking DH to go and see the band we saw last Saturday tonight (we all went and had a fab night) so call DH and ask him. He says he doesn’t want to go so I say fair enough, can you drop us around the corner as I’d quite like to go. We have tomorrow together (he’s working tomorrow evening) and we have Sunday and next week together. The connection drops so I try to call him back. He doesn’t answer. I’ve come home and he’s laid into me that he just wants to spend the time with me but I’d rather eff off with my neighbour (joint friend), threw his glass so it smashed in the kitchen, shouted at me some more that he’s been away working all week and I should just want to be with him and stormed upstairs telling me to eff off out.

OP posts:
itwasyourshowallalong · 28/03/2026 08:43

You might benefit from having this moved to Relationships x

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 28/03/2026 08:52

Peony1985 · 28/03/2026 07:06

It’s not “special treatment” it’s consideration that working away from home is different from coming home everyday.
Most people like to say hello to the family, stick clothes in the wash and decompress for a bit when they get in. Not be a taxi service.

The Op said he has nerve damage so can’t have sex and definitely wouldn’t be having an affair. I don’t think the Op finds him attractive, otherwise there’d be the possibility someone else would.

His text messages weren’t particularly abusive ( couldn’t see them properly but didn’t see swearing etc). I think the marriage is over. It’s not healthy for either I of them.

No swearing, huh? There were only four texts, and "Game fucking over" was the third.

Every PP here - like you - who focuses on whether he's right to be angry has COMPLETELY missed the point here.

It doesn't matter why he was angry! A man does NOT have the right to aggressively smash a glass in the sink in front of a woman, or child or physically weaker person. It is intended to intimidate her and it is a known precursor to much more violent behaviour against the physically weaker person.

This is how men control women, and how women become trapped in horrific relationships. These men THREATEN IMPLICITLY with their actions - a violently thrown object, a punch against the wall, standing in front of her so she can't leave the room, grabbing her wrist, grabbing her face, driving aggressively. These actions are all intended to show the woman his physical power and his ability to hurt, even kill, her.

In most cases, men don't even HAVE to hit their wife: she will become intimidated by glasses being thrown and she will do what he wants. Which is EXACTLY why this man threw the glass. And why he's being extremely aggressive in his messages. And btw, telling his wife not to RETURN TO THE HOUSE SHE LIVES IN is also flagrant abuse: this fucker is threatening to render his wife homeless.

Women are socialised to second guess and doubt themself. That's why, when OPs come on MN and tell us about the dreadful abuse they receive at the hands of their male partners, the OPs nearly ALWAYS say, "Am I being unreasonable?" So any PP who comes onto this thread here and ignores the flagrantly aggressive behaviour of the male partner and instead says, "Well, he was right to be angry" - YOU ARE COMPLETELY MISSING THE POINT! And you're absolutely NOT helping OP, because you are making her second guess herself. That is not support. That's helping the patriarchy.

Anna1mac · 28/03/2026 09:06

Where do you get that? Do you take cocaine and then feel bad, come to Mumsnet and deflect on others to make you feel better 🙈

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

blackpooolrock · 28/03/2026 09:10

Sounds like something has triggered his behaviour.

your answers seem indifferent when speaking about him, it sounds like you didn't expect he would want to see you when he came home, all you keep saying is that's what happened the last three weekends. and what does that matter?

Some people on MN have very vivid imaginations... flirting with male neighbours, cocaine, sex trysts, pouring large alcoholic drinks. I think some people need to come and live in the real world instead of making wild accusations.

SecretSquid · 28/03/2026 09:15

Stay safe OP, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Hopefully you'll get some more genuine support this morning if the Friday night Reddit excursion has gone home.
Either all the misogynists were visiting last night, or we need to run some weekly reading comprehension workshops.

Clarefromwork · 28/03/2026 09:19

Hope you are ok OP

Has your neighbour seen this side of him before? It may help now that they have seen it as sometimes it’s easier to go back to normal and pretend nothing has happened if no one knows what has happened.

dointhebestwecan · 28/03/2026 09:20

I remember when my ex shouted F off at me four times near the children’s bedrooms. I’ll never forget it and it sounds similar. It’s never about what it’s about. I wonder if something happened when away which made him feel angry about his situation with nerve damage. He’s blaming you for it as that’s how our society works. Women suffer huge male violence and people think it’s ok as it’s normalised. Some men also have a sense of entitlement about thinking they are able to tell you what you are allowed to do which is in evidence here where he thinks he can tell you not to go out/ not to come home etc. I used to travel n every time I came home my ex would leave as I entered the door. I accepted this and never said anything. See how differently women have to respond as we don’t have the same societal and physical power - we are so used to poor behaviour towards us - I suspect he generally doesn’t treat you very well but it feels normal.

BlackRowan · 28/03/2026 09:28

FlamingoFloss · 27/03/2026 20:45

him and me have been out the last 3 Fridays jus us. Last weekend and the weekend before was a joint neighbour outing (lots of our neighbours as we often do)

Are you being obtuse on purpose?
last two weekends you were OUT with him AND other people. Only last Fridays it was you/him and clearly he thinks you should want to spend more time with him (possibly at home) rather than constantly party as a group of people especially on the first evening he is back.
i would be annoyed with you going to a neighbours just to grab your phone and then basically not intending to come back at all and deciding to go out, regardless of what he wanted to do (as you decided to go out without him if he didn’t want to join). are you in your 20ies?

doesnt excuse the glass throwing though!

TheSquashyHatofMrGnosspelius · 28/03/2026 09:29

My ex was unable to have good sex. He was blown up in NI in the troubles and had some terrible injuries as a result. He was also permanently angry.

It didn't stop him having an affair and disappearing until she realised that he wasn't fully functional and she dumped him.

He came back full of excuses but I knew exactly what must have happened and I told him to gtf obviously.

@FlamingoFloss don't assume because he's not full ok downstairs that he won't try. I made that mistake.

Tacohill · 28/03/2026 09:32

TheSquashyHatofMrGnosspelius · 28/03/2026 09:29

My ex was unable to have good sex. He was blown up in NI in the troubles and had some terrible injuries as a result. He was also permanently angry.

It didn't stop him having an affair and disappearing until she realised that he wasn't fully functional and she dumped him.

He came back full of excuses but I knew exactly what must have happened and I told him to gtf obviously.

@FlamingoFloss don't assume because he's not full ok downstairs that he won't try. I made that mistake.

I’m surprised that OP is so adamant that there is no one else, simply because he struggles to have sex.

If he can be in a relationship with OP without it, then he can be with someone else without it.

GottaBeStrong · 28/03/2026 09:33

Please seek help from your local domestic abuse organisation, Women's Aid or the National Domestic Abuse Helpline. His behaviour is escalating.

The message he sent you was triggering to me because it reminded me of my abuser. No one gets to tell you as an adult what to do. No one gets to swear at you and it be okay. If you want to see a band then that's your decision, and if he didn't want to attend then that was his decision - both fine. Even if he didn't want to drive you there, he could have told you that politely.

For me the message and the glass incident would be enough to end things. I can't believe that people are trying to blame you. It doesn't matter if your choice to go out instead of stay with him upset him, it doesn't give him the green light to treat you in this manner.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 28/03/2026 09:34

blackpooolrock · 28/03/2026 09:10

Sounds like something has triggered his behaviour.

your answers seem indifferent when speaking about him, it sounds like you didn't expect he would want to see you when he came home, all you keep saying is that's what happened the last three weekends. and what does that matter?

Some people on MN have very vivid imaginations... flirting with male neighbours, cocaine, sex trysts, pouring large alcoholic drinks. I think some people need to come and live in the real world instead of making wild accusations.

"Sounds like something has triggered his behaviour."

This man has violently thrown a glass in the sink, been verbally aggressive to OP per text and words, and is threatening to make her homeless. This is a violent man who thinks he is entitled to behave in this threatening and aggressive way.

If OP hadn't been talking to a neighbour and instead been reading on the sofa, he would have behaved like this anyway.

Blaming OP for his actions - that she triggered him - is NOT OK! That makes you complicit to domestic abuse.

Laura95167 · 28/03/2026 09:35

FlamingoFloss · 27/03/2026 19:40

He was so aggressive. I didn’t react. Only said I’d asked if he wanted to come

And he could have said tbh ive missed you and hoped we could spend a night in with a take away

He didnt he expected you to read his mind and then resorted to aggression

NinaGeiger · 28/03/2026 09:36

Horrible to read - I hope your procedure goes ok and that you're ok.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 28/03/2026 09:36

BlackRowan · 28/03/2026 09:28

Are you being obtuse on purpose?
last two weekends you were OUT with him AND other people. Only last Fridays it was you/him and clearly he thinks you should want to spend more time with him (possibly at home) rather than constantly party as a group of people especially on the first evening he is back.
i would be annoyed with you going to a neighbours just to grab your phone and then basically not intending to come back at all and deciding to go out, regardless of what he wanted to do (as you decided to go out without him if he didn’t want to join). are you in your 20ies?

doesnt excuse the glass throwing though!

You are the obtuse one.

This man has violently thrown a glass in the sink, been verbally aggressive to OP per text and words, and is threatening to make her homeless. This is a violent man who thinks he is entitled to behave in this threatening and aggressive way.

NOTHING EXCUSES THIS BEHAVIOUR.

abracadabra1980 · 28/03/2026 09:41

If he has no issues with the friend, sounds like he was expecting sex and has thrown a tantrum. Been there, done that, got divorced.

usedtobeaylis · 28/03/2026 09:46

I don't know what some of these responses have been throughout this thread. You have done nothing wrong here OP, but he has failed to communicate and tried to intimidate you with anger. He sounds childish.

usedtobeaylis · 28/03/2026 09:48

BlackRowan · 28/03/2026 09:28

Are you being obtuse on purpose?
last two weekends you were OUT with him AND other people. Only last Fridays it was you/him and clearly he thinks you should want to spend more time with him (possibly at home) rather than constantly party as a group of people especially on the first evening he is back.
i would be annoyed with you going to a neighbours just to grab your phone and then basically not intending to come back at all and deciding to go out, regardless of what he wanted to do (as you decided to go out without him if he didn’t want to join). are you in your 20ies?

doesnt excuse the glass throwing though!

There's no 'clearly' anything here. The whole point is that he's defaulted to having a temper tantrum instead of clearly communicating. The OP has done absolutely nothing to deserve that. Or these kind of posts that imply she has.

TheSquashyHatofMrGnosspelius · 28/03/2026 09:50

So what do you want to do OP? Leave? The collective on here can see you through that. Been there, done that. Got the tee shirt sort of thing!

northernlight20 · 28/03/2026 09:59

His bad attitude is bad enough and he can’t even have sex, just what on earth do you get from this type of marriage?? It’s ok to be alone you know. Eventually u may meet someone who you can actually have sex with.

Happyjoe · 28/03/2026 10:03

ToKittyornottoKitty · 27/03/2026 19:49

By OPs behaviour prioritising the neighbour and not being arsed with him?

Wow. Wow. This comment is bad.

elfendom1 · 28/03/2026 10:06

FlamingoFloss · 27/03/2026 20:05

Maybe read my post again

The poor punctuation is making it difficult to read. I can see why a male neighbour was assumed.

TheZanyScroller · 28/03/2026 10:08

Throwing a glass in temper towards you is inexcusable and was a serious over reaction by your husband. I do understand why he was fed up. I don't condone his behaviour.

You seem more focused on spending time with your neighbour than sorting issues out in your relationship. I think you could have been more considerate to your husband as he was away working all week. You seem to prefer to spend more time with your neighbour which is telling.

A conversation between you and your husband seems much needed to get to the root of why he was so angry and why you seemed to be dismissive of him when he's been away all week.

You're both adults, talk to each other. If you're no longer on the same page in the relationship, time for a rethink.

pimplebum · 28/03/2026 10:10

MaggiesShadow · 27/03/2026 19:52

I'd understand him being upset or hurt. Maybe even pissed off. But that level of aggression is never okay, under any circumstances.

Is it a bit telling that you don't want to spend time with him after he's been away all week, @FlamingoFloss ? I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong but is that a sign of something?!

Yes bit odd to plan to be out after he's been away all week but then i am happily married to someone i want to spend tme with

BUT

id leave any man who swore at me or thew snd smashed glass around me

TheZanyScroller · 28/03/2026 10:13

BlackRowan · 28/03/2026 09:28

Are you being obtuse on purpose?
last two weekends you were OUT with him AND other people. Only last Fridays it was you/him and clearly he thinks you should want to spend more time with him (possibly at home) rather than constantly party as a group of people especially on the first evening he is back.
i would be annoyed with you going to a neighbours just to grab your phone and then basically not intending to come back at all and deciding to go out, regardless of what he wanted to do (as you decided to go out without him if he didn’t want to join). are you in your 20ies?

doesnt excuse the glass throwing though!

I agree with this. Her behaviour is dismissive and she wants to go out and have a good time. I understand that. She is living like a single person and someone much younger and can't seem to function without her neighbour's input. Does the neighbour have to always be involved on nights out? It is a bit weird.

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