Can’t stop thinking about pics partner sent to “ex”

[CherryGirlAimz]

My fiancé and I are very happy together, engaged last year, live together, been on plenty of holidays together, and I help look after his daughter on weekends he has her.

however, about a year and a half ago, the mother of his child (not exactly an ex as he said she was just a sex thing to him and she developed feelings for him but he never wanted to be with her) messaged me and sent me screen shots of what’s app sexual messages and images (penis pics) my partner sent to her. It broke me at the time but partner swiftly apologised and said it was a one off moment of madness when he was working away. We had a long walk on the beach and he swore he would never do it again. I know for sure he hasn’t as after this moment he stopped communicating directly with mother of his child, she has mental health issues as it is and even tried to commit suicide after he refused to communicate with her again.

fast forward to now and we are happy and engaged, our relationship looks perfect from the outset, however I cannot get this incident from my head - I still feel insecure and jealous that he did that, and it plagues my mind often. She is very attractive and intelligent and I can’t stop feeling I’m inferior to her. He says the mother of his child is a drama queen and just wants to cause him and us misery hence why he never speaks to her anymore. I’m glad he doesn’t as I’d be worried of a repeat if she messaged him again.

my question is - when will this one incident stop plaguing my mind in my otherwise very happy relationship? I’ve not told any friends or family about it, his family don’t know of it either, I’d be too scared to disclose it to anyone I know really in case they judge partner badly for it.

Remember that the way he talks about his ex is the way he talks about you when he’s trying to hook up with someone else - if he’s not doing it already, he will be as soon as he gets an opportunity.

By living in his house and making no contribution, you’ve made yourself incredibly vulnerable. Please, at the very least, make sure you have savings he can’t access so you can get out when (not if) you need to. And don’t get pregnant, because then you’ll find yourself in the ex’s position faster than you can count to 5, and it’ll be you handing your baby over to the stranger he’s installed in your place every other weekend so they can play happy families with the most precious person in your life.

Ii too do not believe this is the only thing he has done.

You are being very naive OP, and one day you are going to regret it. Do your older self a favour and get out of this before you dig yourself in any deeper.

@CherryGirlAimz , i have read all your messages and all that I can see is that you have been played.

Really thoroughly played.
So much so that you have taken on his opinions about his 'horrible' ex and made them yours, you actually think you made those deductions yourself.
You blocked her when she was being genuine and nice to you??!

I know you will go on and marry this human because you have been so thoroughly played, you just can not see.

But you will. Eventually.

I just hope that you would not have wasted too many years of your life on him by then.
I really hope you have your own source of income.

My advice: unblock his ex, do not tell him or his family, arrange to meet with her and have a chat with her. And maybe meet with her again and again. If you do this with an open mind and all that MNers are trying to get you to see/understand. You will leave this danger sign of a human. AND you will be so thankful, one day.

Ps: she may not want to get involved or meet with you after the way you have treated her.
Still leave this man, anyway.

Here's a suggestion OP.

Why don't you go back through this thread and count the number of individual posters who have all taken the time to come on here and give you the same advice. I think the number will surprise you.

Not one of them has told you this relationship is a good idea, have they? Have a think about that.

OP it’s very very unlikely that he didn’t sleep with her as well as send pics. I also think he very likely is lying about her ‘just being a sex thing’ and being a drama queen. These are all very common lies men tell women about their exes. In time you will understand all of these things in a very painful way if you don’t wake up now. Of course he is lovely and kind to you. It isn’t hard to be sweet and lovely to someone who provides you sex and keeps you company or helps a lot with your childcare. Wait until you have your own children and see how he is then . Ask me how I know all of this!

Ah, the old “my ex is crazy” line. How original he is 🙄.

I don’t believe in “moments of weakness” in a relationship. Someone is either capable of cheating/crossing lines or they’re not, and if they are, they’re likely to do it again. If they don’t, you’ll always know they did and wonder when they might again. Fuck that for a life.

There’s a reason you’re unable to forget. This guy is a misogynist who thinks his penis is picture worthy and calls the mother of his child - his daughter, no less, a sex thing 🤢.

I agree with other posters that he’s a walking red flag. You should run, and please for the love of god, do not have kids with him.

he was very angry at her and upset for me.

Sorry, what?!?!?! HE was angry at HER because HE sent her dick picks, like the disgusting pig he is?!?!?!? The fuck are you both on about? Do you know that on top of being an act of cheating (in my eyes) and being horribly disgusting, it is also illegal and if she reported to the police, he'd pay for the offence?

When I asked to meet her when she found out about our relationship (long before what happened) - I actually suggested to partner we should be friends - he said no, she’s not that type of person who’d be friends and it’s not a good idea.

Red flag here. So he says what type of person she is (not a good one I presume) and you just believe him?

she did message me on Facebook saying i deserve better and thanks for being an “amazing step mum” to her daughter

So this woman tried to warn you about him, and also seems to be really mature and grateful for the amazing step mum that you are. And you just block her?!

i really don't understand. Your fiance did something that'd be crossing the line for most of us, putting an end to the relationship and somehow this poor woman gets the blame from both of you?
Also, you may be playing happy family with her child, but she's her mum. She's her family.

Wait, it’s her fault he sent her unsolicited dick pics?
No one is really this pigshit thick are they?

I do feel sorry for children who are raised by single parents

Wow, just wow! You completely lost me here. 🙄🙄🙄

@CherryGirlAimz , you say that his ex treated him badly, but you have actual photographic evidence of how badly he's treated her.

She is reportedly in love with him, is the mother of his child, wanted a relationship and he sent her dick pics? How confusing and upsetting do you think that was for her?

OP he has cheated on you with someone he will have to have in his life in one form or another for a long time, they have to co parent their child, theres no coming back from that (I wouldn't have even tried to forgive him even if it'd been a stranger).

You are not happy as you can't get this out of your head and feel insecure (and he has given you every reason to feel that way) and yes I think he will do it again and she will go for it again. Leave him OP and leave them to their mess, I frankly feel sorry for any future partner he has, find someone who will respect you.

Totally agree with this. Deep down you know he can't be trusted and he hasn't been honest, your subconscious is screaming at you.
He has all the power in this relationship, his house, his money, his rules. Some people like being subservient and there is nothing wrong with that but don't lie to yourself that this is an equal relationship.
If he is so lovely and supportive why do you feel so inferior?
He has supported you to get a career, work hard in your career, success will help your self esteem, start saving for plan b in case. You sound overly dependent on him, a good career will give you options.

Wtf is he annoyed at her for and upset for you??? He’s the one who messaged her those things. He did that. He’s just upset she told you!! Please open your eyes and see this for what it is. If he was so uninterested in her why was he even messaging her like that in the first place. He thought he could get away with it so he did it. If she hadn’t told you then he never would have. He has no respect for you.

here in black and white for you to ignore...

Marrying him would be a phenomenal mistake.
There are a long list of red flags
He will treat you like shit.
You will regret it.

I hard agree with @Tiptopflipflop

• Decent men dont shack up with someone when they have a baby.
• you are a nanny with a fanny.
• The crazy ex is the classic spiel.
• Kind loving men do not refer to the mother of their child so disrespectfully,
• they don't send dick pics

It won’t stop, ever. I bet if you spoke to her you may change your mind about her, she’s probably got a lot to say, these men always have a ‘crazy ex’. There are better men out there. I’ve been there.

You will be the 'crazy ex' when he wants to move on.
Pattern will be repeated.

I don’t know why you would start a relationship with a man who had a 6 month old baby, especially introducing you straight away.

Most mothers with a maternal bone in their body wouldn’t want their 6 month old baby palmed off to a stranger. That’s protection, not jealousy.

You do sound very jealous of her and like you want to replace her. If she’s such a crazy bitch, how did she get his cock hard to send a picture?

You’re being very naive here OP.

I think it's abundantly clear now that you've been massively disrespected by this man. He's spinning all sorts of stories to you and you're swallowing them without thinking of the consequences.

Run for the hills and for god's sake, don't look back.

he has allowed me move in with him in a house he bought, I don’t pay bills or mortgage

And when you break up he’ll call you a freeloader. Oooof OP you are financially vulnerable here.

But back to the offending incident. If he was alone working away and horny, why wasn’t he sexting you and sending you pictures of his glorious penis?

No. Dump this misogynistic twat.

Where are your family op? It doesn’t sound like you’re from the uk.

He is a nasty mysoginist. Imagine treating the mother of your child , the one whose happiness and wellbeing sets the tone for how safe and calm your child’s home and life is, so badly and making her so confused and distressed and using her as an object and then callingHER crazy when she has an emotional reaction to this harmful treatment!!

op why do you think you’re so special that he wouldn’t treat your feelings like trash too?

the incident is standing out as it wasn’t a one off it was inevitable with someone with a nasty personality like his. I would not marry or have a child with him op. I would also meet the mum and allow her to tell her side of the story.

How do you know he isn’t sending this type of picture to anyone else if he has to be away for work? or chatting to someone that he meets on a night out with friends
Or still in touch with her anyway- after all he has set the seed in your mind that his ex is crazy hasn’t he…
Do you think stuff like that every time he isn’t with you

Of course he said that and you fell for it hook line and sinker.! It’s somehow her fault that he chose to take off his trousers, take his pants down, take a photo and send it to her. He is either still attracted to her or wanted to control an assert dominance by cyber flashing her. Not husband material!

op honestly look at my username please take heed of women that have not seen red flags in the past who are advising you now. He will make you miserable and you will be the crazy ex next.

Goodness. Please don’t feel sorry for my beautiful, well adjusted children who I’ve raised alone for the last eight years. They don’t need your pity. I actually asked my son the other day if he misses having a male perspective, he laughed and said he has everything he needs and I give the best advice ever.

You’re very naive OP. He’s sent dick pics to his ex and managed to worm his way out of it (blaming HER for showing you!) and you still think he’s the best thing since sliced bread.
How do men manage to have this sort of hold over people? Anyone who thinks their penis is in any way a ‘gift’ should be avoided at all costs. If you saw one crawling towards you, you’d hit it with a bloody shovel.
Have some self respect OP, you are worth more.