Can’t stop thinking about pics partner sent to “ex”

[CherryGirlAimz]

My fiancé and I are very happy together, engaged last year, live together, been on plenty of holidays together, and I help look after his daughter on weekends he has her.

however, about a year and a half ago, the mother of his child (not exactly an ex as he said she was just a sex thing to him and she developed feelings for him but he never wanted to be with her) messaged me and sent me screen shots of what’s app sexual messages and images (penis pics) my partner sent to her. It broke me at the time but partner swiftly apologised and said it was a one off moment of madness when he was working away. We had a long walk on the beach and he swore he would never do it again. I know for sure he hasn’t as after this moment he stopped communicating directly with mother of his child, she has mental health issues as it is and even tried to commit suicide after he refused to communicate with her again.

fast forward to now and we are happy and engaged, our relationship looks perfect from the outset, however I cannot get this incident from my head - I still feel insecure and jealous that he did that, and it plagues my mind often. She is very attractive and intelligent and I can’t stop feeling I’m inferior to her. He says the mother of his child is a drama queen and just wants to cause him and us misery hence why he never speaks to her anymore. I’m glad he doesn’t as I’d be worried of a repeat if she messaged him again.

my question is - when will this one incident stop plaguing my mind in my otherwise very happy relationship? I’ve not told any friends or family about it, his family don’t know of it either, I’d be too scared to disclose it to anyone I know really in case they judge partner badly for it.

he has allowed me move in with him in a house he bought, I don’t pay bills or mortgage, he has supported me since doing my degree and career

Thats one perspective
Here is another
Letting you stay costs him nothing. The mortgage is the mortgage.
But now he has sex and childcare on tap.
He also does minimal house work or housekeeping now 👍
I bet you do all or almost all the cooking and cleaning....?
Who shops for food?
When is the last time he cleaned a shitty toilet or hoovered or changed the bedding?

You arent contributing to the house so have zero rights.
You are earning less..?
Hes older?

He has all the power.

When it goes to shit and you want out or he dumps you i hope you've been putting 1k pm + into savings and not pissing money up the wall on paying 100% of household food bills and buying holidays for you all or furniture for a house you have no legal right to.

Of course she was ‘too possessive’ of the child this man who had discarded her while pregnant and cant control his own penis doesn’t sound like he was a strong safe attachment figure to be around a vulnerable baby that can’t talk yet. I’m not surprised she didn’t trust him. But she’s let him build up a relationship with the child over time hasn’t she. My ex was out dating with a four month old - I was also the crazy ex fiance I’m sure to his next gf. He had such a sob story about how much of a psycho his ex was when I met him too.
i get that you’re attached to his daughter, but have you seen the Mumsnet phrase nanny with a fanny?

He has shown you who he is. Take note. I’d run for the hills.
As plenty of other have said, there are so many red flags here.
He is not a good man. You may love him all the world but he’s no catch.
Your remembering him sending dick pics to another woman won’t stop. It wasn’t ’moment of madness’ it’s a bizarre spontaneous gesture…at best!
Look after yourself and bear in mind the things he says about his ex tell you much about who he is.

You sound like such a fool. A fool who obviously doesnt understand what its like to have a child of your own . And to be also treated badly by a man who obviously used her for sex.
His family said she is too possessive with her child?? Sounds like a good mum to me. And obviously his family wont like her!
Of course he pays for everything...how else does he prove he is such a great guy.
And how strange like every other man like him . He tells you she was obsessed with him and she has mental health problems.
Bloody hell could you fall for more bs?
So she is the devil who is a single mother which is awful. And he is a saint who was tricked into sending dic pics to her . And is the perfect dad as he has a "kept" finance who can play happy families with.
Clueless much??

F* off OP. You feel sorry for kids raised by single parents?! I was raised by a single parent (mum) as dad was abusive and she left him so we were all safe. Do you feel sorry for me, would it have been better for her to stay? You sound stupid quite frankly, this comment has pushed me over the edge.

Also you are just parroting his bullshit and it’s depressing. Get a grip OP.

Oh I forgot to add - don’t judge her for being a single mother when he is the one who used her as “a sex thing” (delightful) and then strung her along whilst shacking up with a new girlfriend when their baby was only 6 months old.

Op the mum sounds nice, that’s a big of her thing to do to thank you for being an amazing step mum. If you’re worried about leaving your ‘stepdaughter’ to be, the mum really sounds like the kind of mature woman who would facilitate a relationship with her daughter and you if you broke up, I’m sure you could visit or take her out for a hot chocolate or cinema trip once a month. I’d definitely allow that.

You won’t be able to forget it OP because it’s coming from your ‘true’ self - the part of you you’ve tried to bury away in order to keep this fairytale you’ve created going, the part that is desperately trying to protect you from a lifetime of pain. But it will continue to remind you of the truth- you might be able to quieten it down sometimes or for a while, but it won’t ever go away. You don’t want to face it, and that is understandable, but please listen to the posters on here that are telling you- all you are doing is kicking the can down the road. You will have to deal with it at some point, please believe that. It’s a question of timing, and as hard as it might feel now- it will be a thousand times harder if you have children with this man.

@CherryGirlAimz don't listen to the haters. bless him. the 1st time he ever ever sent a dic pic he was caught out. I am gutted for him. he was foolish just once.

sarcasm btw

run for the fucking hills

that wasn't his 1st time

you're spidey sense is tingling. listen to it!!

The fact that you haven't told anyone what he did speaks volumes.

You would be an absolute fool to marry this man, but from reading your posts I think that's exactly what you are going to do.

And he was furious with HER after what happened? Why wasn't he furious with himself for being a skeevy creep for sending pictures of his cheesy cock to other women when he is meant to be in a relationship? A prince among men 😑

what the fuck is wrong with these women?!

‘He was angry at her and upset for me’

ermmmmm, how about taking accountability for his own actions? Last I checked men had penises, not ex girlfriends? How do you not see this as a red flag is beyond me. He did the dirty and then totally blamed and bashed the ex. Yet he’s the good guy here???

OP, of course your boyfriend likes 2 people being there for his daughter at the same time because it means he has half the work to do. Not because he's some salt of the earth dick pic sending, impregnating and walking away traditional family guy.

She made him stressed and miserable so he sent her a dick pic? Come on OP, you’ve been fed a lie. You’re going to end up being the next “crazy ex” when he wanders again.

Op just because he is nice and kind to you doesn’t me he is when you aren’t looking. He has proved that the minute he was away he was sending pics and communicating with his ex. This doesn’t add up she is the crazy one? But he was still sending pics and then she tried to take her own life? It sounds like there was more to it than that. I doubt he has been fully honest with you. A marriage needs trust and you don’t trust him do you. I married the nice guy years later it turned out he was a liar and a cheat, be careful and maybe raise the bar.

I do feel sorry for children who are raised by single parents

And with this sentence alone you’ve lost all my sympathy.

Stick with the pathetic cheating misogynist if you want, no skin off my nose. I’d say you’d be doing Women a favour keeping him off the market but Men like that never really are.

I’ll keep an eye out for the thread in a couple of years time when it inevitably all goes to shit, he’s sticking his dick in some other poor woman’s inbox and you’re out on your arse with years of your life wasted and no claim on his house.

Genuinely curious what responses you thought you would get on a LTB forum!

Oh dear, stop being so bloody gullible! You love this man? Why? He treats the mother of his child as a sex object. He (and also apparently his family) blames her mental health and suicidal thoughts for his behaviour. Are you that desperate that you need to stay with such a waster? He will drag you down eventually if you let him. He sounds truly revolting.

Eh?

OP have you talked to anyone IRL about this? Your mum or dad? His family don't count, he didn't lick this behaviour off a stamp & they'll push his agenda.

Just to say, whatever you do please make sure your birth control is bullet proof. When men like this feel their control is waning, they seek to increase it and babies are a typical tactic.

That might sound wonderful - you seem to like kids and it can feel like he's 'picking' you and binding you together. It's not.

Pregnancy makes you extremely vulnerable. Body changes reduce intimacy and sex bites the dust for most people. Given he's already got a history of infidelity, that would likely trigger it again. Plus pregnancy decentralises men in the relationship as you're focusing on your baby. They tend to get subconsciously jealous if they're twats - again he sounds like one. Add to that sleep deprivation, financial dependence, navigating the relationship between half siblings, etc., and you face a very real chance your own baby would be taken off you every other weekend, and handed to a new step mummy at 6 months old.

I don't say that to be harsh, just to advise an IUD would be a good idea if you don't already have one.

Totally agree.

Was your childhood shit/abusive?

It looks as though your self esteem is rock bottom. No woman with an ounce of self respect would want to be in a relationship with this man. So something has happened to make you think this is tolerable or normal 💐

He is playing you for a fool . You would be financially vulnerable if you stayed with him and are looking at him through rose tinted glasses. Have a bit of self respect and leave him !

He's done a real number on you hasn't he? He sends dick pics and has you believing it's her fault. He brands her unhinged despite lack of evidence and you swallow every word. Everyone but you can see where this is going. Get away from him, as far and as fast as you can.

This

That “family feel” with Pa Walton. Lolz. I felt sympathy for you until I read that statement. Maybe Pa Walton has put the crazy, obsessed ex off men for life. Families come in all shapes and sizes. I’m not sure that a pretend happy two-parent family (because, OP, you don’t sound happy) gives a better “family feel” than this sensible woman who takes her daughter out alone (cheek of her!) and who did you a serious solid by sending you on your charming prince’s knob photos.

You're obviously not going to listen to randoms on the internet if you won’t believe what your own eyes have seen, viz his knob on screenshots from her phone.

To borrow my favourite MN expression: give your head a wobble.