Can’t stop thinking about pics partner sent to “ex”

[CherryGirlAimz]

My fiancé and I are very happy together, engaged last year, live together, been on plenty of holidays together, and I help look after his daughter on weekends he has her.

however, about a year and a half ago, the mother of his child (not exactly an ex as he said she was just a sex thing to him and she developed feelings for him but he never wanted to be with her) messaged me and sent me screen shots of what’s app sexual messages and images (penis pics) my partner sent to her. It broke me at the time but partner swiftly apologised and said it was a one off moment of madness when he was working away. We had a long walk on the beach and he swore he would never do it again. I know for sure he hasn’t as after this moment he stopped communicating directly with mother of his child, she has mental health issues as it is and even tried to commit suicide after he refused to communicate with her again.

fast forward to now and we are happy and engaged, our relationship looks perfect from the outset, however I cannot get this incident from my head - I still feel insecure and jealous that he did that, and it plagues my mind often. She is very attractive and intelligent and I can’t stop feeling I’m inferior to her. He says the mother of his child is a drama queen and just wants to cause him and us misery hence why he never speaks to her anymore. I’m glad he doesn’t as I’d be worried of a repeat if she messaged him again.

my question is - when will this one incident stop plaguing my mind in my otherwise very happy relationship? I’ve not told any friends or family about it, his family don’t know of it either, I’d be too scared to disclose it to anyone I know really in case they judge partner badly for it.

How is she financially vulnerable if she lives there rent - free?

Come on, OP, his ex didn’t force him to send her dick picks and sex texts. He did that.

It sounds like you are both blaming her for his cheating. And it is cheating.

And how do you think you'd feel if you had a baby with this man and when she was only 6 months old he had her around a new girlfriend?
You will feel the same feelings she felt and be also called crazy and jealous and possessive.

How did he go from being stressed about the messages from her to sending her dick pics? He has forever tainted your relationship now.

And he was angry at her? yes well obviously she just wanted to stick to his story that she was crazy and this, that and the other, but even when clear evidence came out that all isn't as it seems with the story he's given you you believe him anyway.

Awww, the people I feel sorry for are women who are so desperate to keep a man that they’ll justify being treated with total disrespect, believe obvious lies and go on trying to play mummy to another woman’s daughter.

I haven’t met her and it doesn’t look like I ever will, especially as partner has not even seen her since what happened - he was very angry at her and upset for me.

Was he not angry at himself for sending the dick picks and sex texts for her.

It’s really weird how you have both absolved him of any wrongdoing and placed all the blame on the ex.

So you think she has that family feel with you but yet her daddy is sending pics of his dick to her mother.

You won't be able to get over it because he's lying and minimising and you don't trust him, rightly. No man randomly sends his ex dick pics out of nowhere as a one off - they clearly have/had an ongoing sexual dynamic of some kind. I can't believe you think it's a good thing too that he won't communicate directly with his child's mother. How do they make arrangements for contact?!

Illegal porn?! Who said it was illegal/unsolicited?

You need counselling as a priority, before marriage, to determine if this is something you can get over or not. Because you haven't accepted it and it is eating you up.

I also don't understand why you are blaming her for your partner sending her dick pics. It sounds like deflection or a coping message you are telling yourself. Thats entirely on him.

Yep. Don’t marry him. He sent dick pics to someone else. It wasn’t a moment of madness. He had to take them, pick one or a few, send them and doesn’t see a problem with it.

you aren’t happy. You’re constantly thinking about him doing this. As you should be.

OP, you sound completely naive. There are many occasions on Mumsnet where I've wanted to reach out and say stop to someone headed for trouble, but you are so determined to defend him despite his bonkers totally unrealistic defence of his actions (which everyone is saying makes NO SENSE) that I am not sure it is worth trying.

Please also think carefully about your view of single mothers. The mother has reached out to you and actually thanked you for your care, she has prioritised her daughter above anyone else and hasn't denied her ex contact despite his behaviour towards her, and yet you think the daughter is better off with the adulterous father who is bad mouthing her mum and degrading her just because it gives her 'two parents'? She has two parents already - one is doing a solid job and it isn't your partner.

“Allowed you”.

don’t marry him.

What you are feeling is cognitive dissonance. On one hand you want to be in love with this man, and want to believe you have a perfect relationship and blame this woman (the mother of his child). On the other hand on some level you also know what he did was unforgivable and you know you can never truly trust him again.
Please listen to what your gut is telling you - he is not trustworthy, he has minimised what happened, is a misogynist, and has spoken about his ex in an unforgivable way.
He may be faithful for a while, but one day he will badly let you down again. End the relationship.

OP I was raised by a single mother. She was amazing. You know who wasn’t? My dad.

he’s got you wrapped so round his little finger. I really hope you see this before you have children with him.

You sound very young, don’t waste your life with him.

A man who sends ex-girlfriends (or anyone for that matter) dick pictures gives me the creeps. Maya Angelou said: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

FYI: Sending unsolicited nude photos is not only a form of sexual harassment, but in some states, it’s actually a criminal offense and punishable by law.

This !!👆🏻
Why do these hideous men always try to label their exes as crazy? No wonder his ex has mental health issues after being with this misogynistic monster. Get rid of him OP before he breaks you down in the same way. He obviously still fancies his ex. It's just a matter of time before your relationship ends up in tatters and he'll be branding you the "crazy ex" to his next victim!

She's probably been gaslighted by the whole family, called crazy, possessive etc.

She can't have been 'possessive' with the child if the OP was around the baby when she was only 6 months old.

She apparently made him miserable and stressed when he had to deal with her, but yet then he's sending her pics of his dick...

Sends pic of his dick, she tells the OP and then he says 'she'd do anything to break us up'😂 why did you send her a pic of your dick then?

Like come on!!

As one ancient philosopher said “There is no medicine to cure a fool!"…

He has brainwashed you, OP. It is so sad that you cannot see it…

This is really condescending to the mother, especially from the position that you're in. Would you think it was so 'nice' if the mother was raising this child with the help of a partner but there was no trust in the relationship because he was sending dick pics to an ex?

And what makes you think the mother 'made' him? How did she make him exactly?

You’re not happy together, you don’t really love him and he doesn’t love you.
The guy is a complete idiot and you are enabling him.
Wake up and get rid. Don’t be so gullible

You can't get it out of your head because it's a strongly waving red flag. I suspect the mother of his child wanted to give you a heads up who he is. She can't send it to try to break you up if he didn't provide the material in the first place.

Before you get married, therapy for you individually.

This 100%! 👆🏻

My partner is not perfect, but you know what he has never done: sent dick pics to someone, let alone an ex. There is no excuse for that; it is not actually legitimate or genuine in any form. Your partner was aggresively pursuing another woman while you were together; there is no coming back from that. You have to consider that you only have the word of a man who sends out dick pics to people while in a committed relationship. Read through the boards; your story is not a new one. Some men lie and seem so sincere while simultaneously pursuing other women. You are better than this! You deserve better than this. Have some self-respect. The ex is not the problem.

I suspect he made her miserable to the point of a suicide attempt. Please run for this hills ..
There's a reason you can't erase that incident from your mind.
It's your inner voice trying to tell you something....
Listen to that inner wisdom..,
Plus, I could never be with someone who sent d*CK pics. Yuk! What a chav....

I don’t think she’s the problem to be honest;